What to do if your wife cheated on her husband - Advice from a psychologist

A psychologist with many years of experience, Andrei Zberovsky, answered this question in great detail in his books. And we will try to build our answer based on his experience.

Practice includes more than ten main scenarios for the development of events. They depend on a certain type of behavior of the partners, which developed before the husband caught his wife cheating and after. Here many people have a question: what about children, are they taken into account? Children, of course, are taken into account and for most people they come first when making decisions. But the trouble is that if a marriage continues solely for this reason, it breaks up within five years.

No matter how much the husband promises himself that he will endure betrayal for the sake of his children, such a model ultimately does not work. After all, human psychology is dynamic, it changes in accordance with external as well as personal internal circumstances. That is, the decision made six months later may seem like complete nonsense.

What to do if you have a child?

If a wife cheated on her husband, the decision to divorce or preserve the family should depend not only on the interests of the children. First of all, you need to take into account the desire and ability of the partners to live together. When deciding what to do, remember that initially the basis for marriage was relationships. Children don't appear without this. Just like they don’t get the right upbringing if mom and dad behave incorrectly. Psychologists have noticed that being apart, but maintaining positive communication, parents give their child more benefits in personality development than living under the same roof in complete negativity.

By maintaining a marriage for this reason, you risk encountering the following destructive factors:

• Without having time to reach the point of repentance, the spouse may confuse the husband’s generosity with weakness of character and rush back into the arms of his lover. As a result, the victim will not be able to bear it and will file a claim anyway.
• It happens that a wife fell in love with another and became pregnant by him. Even a strong-willed person cannot be around for long under such conditions.
• In a family that has been reconciled formally, but not spiritually, new children together will not be desired, so an accidental pregnancy may end in abortion. This is unbearable for the spouse’s psyche.
• The boy/girl himself, seeing the situation, can take the dad’s side, which motivates him to divorce and take the child with him.
• If a boy/girl is a teenager, they are able to either feel sorry for the cuckolded father or perceive his decision to forgive his mother as weakness. Both cases will cause a strong reaction or filing of an application.
• Acquaintances, friends, as well as parents can criticize and provoke from everywhere, saying that if your spouse cheated on you and after that you live with her, you are a mattress. With this situation, a family rarely lasts for more than two years.
• Financial situation may also be a reason. For example, if it worsened for the male half and improved for the passion, she, confident in her future, will leave on her own. Or vice versa - when he realizes that he is able to provide for his family and himself separately, he leaves on his own.
• If, after the wife’s betrayal, the stronger half turns to alcohol or drugs, the matter ends in reproaches, provocations and scandals. Life becomes unbearable, and the couple eventually divorces. By the way, the reason may not be alcohol/drug addiction. If the tendency to scandals is inherent in the character, the situation will arise with the same probability.
• In mental anguish, the question arises: if my wife cheated on me, why can’t I do the same? Often, having cheated in revenge, the chosen one falls in love with another and eventually leaves for her.
• The wife, who seemed to seriously repent of what she had done, suddenly falls in love with another, after which she herself offers to divorce.

This is how events may develop in the future. Of course, the list is not complete, but the content clearly makes it clear that the conclusion currently accepted is subject to change. Some of the above factors are simply impossible to bear psychologically. Therefore, saving a marriage purely because of the presence of children is the wrong decision.

What should you consider?

“What should a man whose wife has betrayed him take into account? » Advice from psychologist Zberovsky, who comes from his own practice, identified the circumstances that need to be taken into account by representatives of the stronger sex when answering the question: “What to do if your wife cheated?”

So, you need to put pros or cons opposite the following points:

• Marriage, official or civil. Going “to the left” in a civil marriage is not considered treason, therefore there are mitigating circumstances at work here.
• Age of the spouses. Until the age of 40, a man still has a chance to create a new marital relationship. After that, the chances drop. If a woman is under 35, practice shows that preserving the couple is possible through a “reconciliatory” pregnancy.

• What a marriage. If one and the other have it first, it’s worth trying to reconcile, but if it’s the second, third, etc., then look for the problem in yourself or the other partner.
• Who initiated the wedding? It depends on the circumstances and personal point of view. It happens that the initiating husband perceives the situation this way: if she cheated on me, it means she didn’t appreciate my determination to take care of her. This is a minus. And it also happens: she initiated, she also betrayed, but despite this, my wife gave me an incentive, thanks to which I achieved a lot in life. Let's try to move on with our lives.
• The behavior of partners (correct or not) leads to an unpleasant incident.
• How fulfilled the partner is as a mother and wife.
• Circumstances of receiving unpleasant information. If your wife cheated and immediately came running to confess, saying she was stupidly drunk, count it as a plus. If the information did not come from the missus - minus.
• How the betrayed spouse behaved when talking with a partner. Remorse and guilt are a plus, lies and resourcefulness are a minus.
• Behavior of the unfaithful spouse over the next period. What is important here is her ability to show her efforts to maintain the relationship in practice.
• Personal prospects for each partner in the event of separation or reunion. When a wife is self-sufficient and successful, this can save the situation. They are afraid of losing this one. Or vice versa - for a failed and morally weak woman, divorce will become the punishment that the victim craves.
• Children's prospects. Perhaps the spouse will decide to live with the cheater until they reach a certain age. Or vice versa - the baby, due to his age, did not have time to realize the connection with his father, therefore the separation is less painful.
• The baby's reaction to the event. The child took the mother’s side, since the father had not behaved very well before the event. This is a deterrent for the father.
• Relationships of parents and acquaintances to his wife. If she never found a common language with them during the time you lived, it’s a minus, but if her parents perceived her as one of their own, and they reproached you for your inattention, it’s a plus. The same factors apply to the relationship between the spouse and the wife’s relatives.
• Reactions of friends and acquaintances.
• Personality specifics of the male half of the couple. How principled he is on the issue of treason. After all, there are types who can fall into deep depression after a breakup, but at the decisive moment they say goodbye without even blinking an eye.
• How strong is the love of each spouse for each other. This point can negate all previous pros or cons.

Fundamental issues

What to do if your wife cheated: in addition to general aspects, there are several more fundamental circumstances.

So, you shouldn’t save your marriage if:

• This is not the first time adultery has been committed.
• The partner avoids childbearing.
• Often refuses intimacy or does it reluctantly.
• The affair lasted more than a month.
• Until recently, she did not name the true reason for the betrayal.
• He does not repent and even behaves arrogantly.
• Turns children against you.

If you find that all the points apply to your case, then whatever your feelings, you should not continue to live with such a woman. The result of these seven points is complete disrespect on the part of the betrayed passion.

As for the positive answer, the psychologist considers it advisable to save the marriage if:

• The faithful did not deny himself the pleasures of having affairs with others, drank heavily and raised his hand to his passion.
• Initially, I proclaimed that I didn’t need an official relationship, my wife married me to herself.
• Neglected intimate relationships. Didn't pay enough attention.

Of course, under such conditions a woman can be understood and even forgiven. After all, she did not live, but existed in terrible conditions, which is why she went looking for an outlet. Perhaps she should be thanked for the development and preservation of family life before the conflict.

How to save your family and not lose respect

Another important argument in this topic is that the concepts of “saving a family” and “forgiving a traitor” are completely different. Fundamentally: if the goal of preserving the relationship is clearly defined, you cannot leave your missus unpunished!

If you are at a dead end and don’t know what to do, the psychologist’s advice would be: save your family, but at the same time file for divorce! How to understand this? There is no contradiction here, since the cheater must be made to respect you as a man and as a person. Until the spouse resorts to the last resort - legal separation, the missus will not feel the full depth and danger of her offense, and most importantly, the fear of losing her loved one.

Scandals and despair of the male half, alas, will not evoke such feelings in a person who, by committing betrayal, has already shown disrespect.

If we look at the root of the problem, then filing an application is the most effective reason to perceive each other at the proper level. This way the couple will have more chances to talk honestly and without falsehood, and to seriously evaluate the claims. This way the couple will find out how ready they are to eliminate contradictions and work on mistakes.

Perhaps he and she stopped looking at each other with respect a long time ago. Perhaps the opinions of partners have long ceased to have any value. In the end, the cheating lover can tell her husband that under the pressure of the divorce she “saw the light” and really regrets what happened.

The threat of separation, divorce proceedings and even the court are an excellent weapon in the fight to save the couple. But this is only if the couple remains humane, and the clarifications are humane, if extremes and selfishness remain behind the scenes, and there is enough patience to withstand all the insults inflicted in a fit of anger.

Divorce proceedings as a step towards reconciliation

In the end, I would like to add a little optimism and note that even if the couple did not manage to reconcile during the divorce process, even if the separation has already been legally supported, this does not mean the end. Practice, and indeed any forum on the Internet, shows that stories can end completely unpredictably. Remember about dynamism? So, after a certain time, spouses may come to the conclusion that they need to value their family. It’s not for nothing that they say that everything is learned by comparison. Many couples reunite after a divorce and live a full married life.

So, it turns out that when your wife cheats on you, life itself will tell you what to do. You may hate her with all your heart today, but it is possible that after a few months or years after the divorce process, you will remarry officially. Let the event proceed without officialdom and pathos, but the relationship will be no less legitimate than the first.

The psychologist is happy to note that some partners, when they separate and remarry, do not even inform their children. This is the surest path, since the child’s psyche remains untraumatized.

Even more married couples do not legalize their relationship again, which also does not prevent them from creating a full-fledged family again. Every second of these couples, being already divorced, even had a baby together.

Of course, if your wife cheated on you, it’s up to you to decide what to do, but remember that there is always a way out. And parting is not always the only right decision. After all, as it turns out, adultery can not only destroy, but also save a relationship.