Children in adulthood. Problems of unloved children

Quiet, calm, completely unproblematic children are a mother’s joy. Such children do not cause unnecessary trouble, they are one hundred percent obedient and predictable, comfortable in every sense. Mom said to play, so we play, we need to eat - we eat everything they give me resignedly, sleep according to a schedule and in general are not a step away from mom.

Children tend to grow up, and they bring this “convenience” into adulthood; they don’t know how to go through life differently, they were taught that way.

From practice: the most surprising thing is that such adults with the “convenient child” syndrome have very meager and gray childhood memories; one gets the impression that they were not children at all.

In adult life, a “convenient child” actively reaps the benefits of his convenience, continuing to be convenient for the people around him.

In the material world, which usually happens with convenient things, we simply quickly get used to them and stop appreciating, and sometimes even noticing, their presence in our lives.

The same situation occurs in human relationships.

The “convenient child” is, as it were, a priori doomed to play minor roles in adult life. Inability to take initiative, problems with adaptation in a dynamic society, framework and functioning according to the rules of life clearly laid down in childhood, an underdeveloped desire body, lack of specific goals, plays a cruel joke in adulthood. One of the options for the development of events may be loneliness.

Not taught to establish long-term contact, adapt, be active, take their place “under the sun” in a social group, emotionally withdrawn children, and then adults, find themselves socially lonely hostages of their “peculiarity.”

Adults with the “convenient children” syndrome are dependent on the parental family for a very long time, hence the personal problems of how to build their own personal family if the family already includes “Mom, Dad, Me.” They simply do not have the need to separate; they were not taught this.

Adult life, from a certain point, implies the ability to make independent decisions, the ability to take responsibility, to be aware of the consequences and causes of one’s actions; “convenient children” may never internally grow to this point.

It’s good if you understand that something is going wrong in life, that you want communication, you want quality life changes (although what ones are not yet clear), then the long conscious road of growing up, gaining new and vital experience that was not gained and not passed in childhood. And it’s good if there is a person nearby who can guide, advise, support, it is very unlikely that it will be a mother, she could, but was not able to help get this experience then, in childhood.

You can and should look for a helping hand; it is almost impossible to go through such a path alone. Finding such a person is the first colossal step towards a new life.

Many mothers are in no hurry to let their little ones go into adulthood, considering them small and not independent until almost 30 years of age. Is this parental behavior justified? And how can this end?

Usually fathers are much stricter in these kinds of matters. They believe that the sooner the chick flies out of the parent's nest, the better for everyone. Mothers are in no hurry to let their offspring go far from them; they always worry about their children, right up to their retirement.

If a son or daughter has long reached adulthood, graduated from a university, but still lives with their parents, doing nothing around the house, and at the same time manages to beg for money, is this normal? Is there an age at which adult children simply need to be sent out on their own, whether they want it or not?

5 signs that it’s time for your son or daughter to live separately

There are 10 points in front of you. Read them carefully. If at least 5 of them are true, then it’s time to evict your adult child.

1. You clean the house in splendid isolation, including your son’s room. And he doesn’t even think about offering you his help.
2. The time for school is over, your son (or daughter) earns money on his own, but has never once offered you to buy food for home or pay utility bills.
3. You cook for the whole family, including the heir. He doesn't care about his nutrition.
4. There are often guests in the house: friends of the son. In their company, you willingly spend time together.
5. The son or daughter works all day. You worry about whether they are doing a good job.
6. Money began to become a frequent cause of disagreement with my husband. There seem to be enough of them, but your husband is annoyed that you are still sponsoring your offspring’s small expenses.
7. Your daughter often takes your things without permission and wears them with pleasure. You do not interfere with this state of affairs.
8. An adult child brings his passion home for the night, and they lock themselves in his room. Meeting parents is not included in the “event” program. After a week or a month, the passion changes.
9. When you come home, you are absorbed in only one thought: when will your child return home. The moment when the front door opens is the best moment of the day.
10. If you think about it, the only thing that scares you is that one day your adult son or daughter will tell you that he is going to move and live separately.

Is it time or not time?

In one family, a child leaves home at 18 years old, and in another only after 30. Is this normal? Everything is individual. In our country, young people often find it difficult to acquire their own housing, so adult sons and daughters are forced to live on their parents’ territory until they start their own family. Is this a necessary measure? Maybe you like that an adult child is always nearby, under supervision?

It’s not for nothing that they say that the best relationships with parents are at a distance

Often, adult children find it convenient to live with their parents: they don’t need to spend a lot of money and be burdened by everyday problems. Try to make life a little more difficult for your offspring: make them responsible for cleaning, buying and preparing food, and paying utility bills. Don't expect everything to work out at once. Some children need to be taught independence. Many of them do not need financial support, but are always happy to receive psychological help.

Rules for cohabitation

You need to start building a relationship with your adult son or daughter while they are still a student. Discuss what your offspring's plans are for the future. If you pay for your studies, you have the right to insist on performing certain household duties. By the way, by this time they should already appear in an adult child. You're not still collecting his dirty clothes from every corner, are you? The offspring is also able to prepare breakfast and dinner for himself. And cleaning a room is generally the sacred duty of its permanent resident.

When the offspring is busy searching for himself and has no definite plans, think carefully about whether you are ready to finance this state of affairs.

Explain to your son (or daughter) that he is already an adult. And the house in which he lives is his parents’. Therefore, you will have to follow certain rules established by father and mother, including overnight stays for regular girls or guys. If you are not ready for this state of affairs, suggest that the couple live separately.

If an adult child earns his own bread, but still lives with you, you have the right to count on his contribution to pay part of the utilities and food costs. Naturally, the amount should be reasonable: a fourth or fifth of the entire salary. The point is not that parents feel sorry for money. It is important to let your offspring understand that in adult life everyone has their own responsibilities that must be fulfilled. Help them understand financial issues, tell them exactly how to look for a job, but don’t do everything yourself for your son or daughter.

Due to various circumstances, not every baby is born on time. Some babies are born premature. They require special attention, careful care, and constant care. Even with a record low body weight, a child can quickly catch up with his peers in development. However, premature birth still does not pass without a trace.

There are four degrees of prematurity:

1. First. The baby was born at 37 weeks of pregnancy, is 45 centimeters tall and weighs more than two kilograms.
2. Second. The child was born at 35 weeks, is 40 centimeters tall and weighs less than two kilograms.
3. Third. The baby was born at 31 weeks, measuring up to 35 centimeters and weighing up to one and a half kilograms.
4. Fourth. The baby was born at 28 weeks, his height does not exceed 30 centimeters, and his weight is less than one kilogram.

Sometimes the child appears on time, but his body weight does not reach normal. Such a child is also considered premature. The following features will distinguish him from ordinary children:

1. slower reaction;
2. hypertonicity and hypotonicity;
3. lack of pigmentation in the nipple area;
4. underdevelopment of the genital organs;
5. hypotension;
6. frequent breaths and freezing of breath;
7. perpendicular arrangement of ribs;
8. roundness of the abdomen;
9. location of the navel in the groin area;
10. underdevelopment of nail plates;
11. disproportionate head sizes;
12. softness of the skull bones;
13. insufficient thermoregulation;
14. underdevelopment of the ears;
15. a thin layer of subcutaneous fat;
16. skin wrinkling;
17. quiet voice;
18. pink or red skin tone;
19. presence of hair fluff.

The presence and severity of these signs depends on the specific week of birth of the baby.

Premature babies: reasons

The birth of a baby at the wrong time is caused by many reasons. Firstly, the reason for this is the mother’s illnesses: rheumatism, diabetes, heart disease and some others.

Secondly, premature babies are born to women who were not registered at the antenatal clinic; became pregnant earlier than two years have passed since the previous pregnancy; have had abortions in the past; have diseases of the genitourinary system.

Thirdly, premature birth occurs due to the mother’s age being too early or late, poor nutrition, stressful situations, and reluctance to have a child.

Other prepositions can also be distinguished:

• difficult pregnancy;
• heredity;
• non-compliance with the recommendations of the gynecologist;
• bad habits;
• acute mental shocks;
• carrying twins or triplets;
• presence of harmful factors in the workplace;
• negligence of a pregnant woman;
• fertilization with weak or immature sperm.

Every woman has the power to minimize the risk of having a premature baby. To do this, you should give up bad habits long before the desired pregnancy, lead a healthy lifestyle, get rid of existing ailments, protect yourself from stressful situations, get more positive emotions, and follow the instructions of doctors.

Premature babies: consequences

If the baby's weight is insufficient at birth, he will be able to return to normal by one or two years. As for mental development, it will become equal to the level of peers at two to three years old, and sometimes at five to six years old. It all depends on the degree of prematurity, the individual characteristics of the child, the care of the parents and the implementation of special procedures.

However, early birth causes a number of consequences for a person in the future:

1. instability of a woman’s menstruation, difficult pregnancy, premature birth;
2. dislocations and subluxations, dysplasia, joint diseases;
3. convulsions, cerebral palsy and other disorders in the functioning of the nervous system;
4. reduced immunity, poor health, susceptibility to frequent colds;
5. hearing problems;
6. poor eyesight;
7. diseases of the gastrointestinal tract;
8. speech difficulties;
9. high risk of cardiovascular diseases.

Due to the high probability of severe consequences, premature babies should be under regular medical supervision and undergo the necessary examinations not only during childhood, but also in adulthood.

Thus, children born prematurely do not necessarily grow up weak and sickly, lagging behind normal babies in psycho-physical development. However, their risk of developing various ailments is much higher than that of others. Therefore, parents should pay more attention to their premature babies, take care of them, perform the exercises recommended by doctors and follow their advice. It is also important to constantly be under medical supervision in order to be able to identify serious diseases in time and begin to fight them.

Proper care of premature babies - features and subtleties

Babies who were born prematurely need special care. This applies not only to medical care in the first weeks of life, but also to further stay at home. However, parents should not panic, imagining incredibly complex and specific manipulations. In fact, all parents can provide proper care for premature babies, the features and subtleties of which are described below.

All attention to the temperature regime!

As soon as the baby and mother get home from the hospital, the first thing they have to take care of is maintaining the optimal temperature regime. Due to their low weight and insufficient fat layer, premature babies especially need warmth.

• The temperature in the room where the child will be located is from 22 to 25 degrees.
• Near the baby and under his blanket, parents should constantly maintain the temperature in the aisles from 28 to 32 degrees. Rubber heating pads filled with water at a temperature of 60-65 degrees can help in this difficult matter. It is strictly forbidden to use electric heating pads, blankets and other similar products.
• The heating pads are placed on top of the blanket on the sides, at a distance of a palm from the baby, and also at his feet. In this case, such a heat source is pre-wrapped in a diaper. It is prohibited to place heating pads on top of or under the baby, as this can lead to burns and breathing problems.
• Monitor temperature using a thermometer. The regularity of changing water in heating pads is 1.5-2 hours.
• Ventilation of the room in which the child is staying is carried out every 3 hours and lasts at least 20 minutes.

Important! A premature baby should not be left without warmth even for a couple of minutes, as this immediately threatens hypothermia. Parents will need to adhere to such a strict temperature regime for the first month of the baby’s life, after which he will be able to cope with external changes on his own.

How to organize feeding?

The biggest problem that parents of a premature baby will have to face is related to the child's insufficient or complete absence of sucking reflex. Also, such children are characterized by poor appetite, constant regurgitation, constipation or, on the contrary, diarrhea. All this is due to the immaturity of the gastrointestinal tract.

• Provide breastfeeding to the baby. A young mother should think about maintaining lactation while still in the maternity hospital. Good nutrition, lack of stress and good sleep of a woman will provide the baby born prematurely with the most necessary things.
• To prevent the baby from burping after the next meal, it should be done often and in small quantities, reclining. After this, the child should remain in an upright position for 15-20 minutes.
• In case of unstable stool or other problems with the digestive system, it is strictly not recommended to use tummy massage, gas outlet devices (tubes) and enemas.

Important! If problems with the gastrointestinal tract occur too often, accompanied by alarming symptoms, then you should immediately consult a specialist.

First water procedures - what should they be?

If the baby was born weighing no more than 1800 g, then you will have to give up bathing for 2-3 weeks. Children with greater weight enjoy water procedures already in the first week after arriving from the hospital.

When bathing babies born prematurely, be sure to adhere to the following recommendations:

• Before reaching 3 months, babies should bathe in pre-boiled water, the temperature of which is 38 degrees.
• The room where the procedures will be carried out should be heated to 25 degrees.
• After bathing, you should not immediately transfer the baby to a room with a lower air temperature. Over time, the bathroom door can be left open so that the child can gradually adapt to the new environment.

It is precisely these hygienic procedures that consist of proper care for premature babies, the features and subtleties of which all parents can learn.

Massage – is it possible or not?

Of course, for premature babies, experts have developed special massages and procedures that will help the baby get stronger and master the necessary skills as quickly as possible.

There are some peculiarities in dealing with such babies:

• If a child has muscle hypotonia, then light stroking is suitable for him, which delicately relaxes the muscles.
• After two months of age, such simple manipulations can be varied with light gymnastic exercises. They will help you quickly develop and consolidate motor skills.
• If the baby is already 3-4 months old, then parents can already teach him to turn to his side. The main thing is to do everything carefully and slowly.

Important! The main goal of massage for premature babies is psycho-emotional contact with parents, during which they gain positive emotions and new skills.

Let's go for a walk - how to make it safe and useful?

As mentioned earlier, temperature changes are contraindicated for premature babies. If you want to go with your dear child into the fresh air as soon as possible, then you will need to follow the following rules:

• The first walk for babies weighing more than 1500 g will take place no earlier than two weeks of age. And this is only provided that it is summer outside and the air temperature is from 26 degrees.
• Going outdoors should begin with 15 minutes of exposure to the open air. Then, gradually adding 20 minutes at a time, the total time reaches 1.5 hours.
• As soon as the child reaches a weight of 2500 g or 1.5 months, he can be taken for walks without fear in the spring-autumn period, when the temperature outside is at least 10 degrees.
• If the mark on the thermometer drops below 8, then they refuse to go for walks. The exception is babies weighing from 2800 g and older than 2 months.

Under close medical supervision – which specialists should examine the child?

Before reaching school age, premature babies are monitored at the dispensary. For such children, regular visits to the following highly specialized specialists are mandatory:

• Neuropathologist. As a rule, by the age of one year such children almost completely catch up with their peers in development. But, if there are any problems, only a specialist will be able to diagnose them at an early stage and prescribe effective therapy.
• Cardiologist. In addition to consulting a specialist, you will need to regularly undergo ECHO-CG procedures, as well as ECG, which allow you to assess the state of the child’s cardiovascular system.
• As soon as the baby turns 2 weeks old, he will be prescribed vitamin D and a special massage to avoid the development of rickets.

If at first glance everything seems complicated, then after a week of such a specific regime, parents will not even notice their fatigue. After all, every loving mother understands that proper care for premature babies, the features and subtleties of which are described above, will help the precious child grow up healthy and happy!

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Much of what happens to a person during childhood has an impact on his future. There is no recipe for success and happiness, however, psychologists have identified several factors that provide a more successful life. Get to know them to find out which ones were present in your childhood.

If you don't follow the rules you will have high income

The researchers found that a higher level of income is guaranteed not only by high intelligence, good socio-economic status of parents and level of education, but also by the desire to break the rules and unwillingness to obey parents. Softer and more flexible children earn less because they do not always know how to stand up for themselves.

If your parents quarreled in front of you, you adapt better

Everything is good in moderation. Children from families with constant quarrels cope worse in adulthood. But children from families where conflicts took place with support for each other and the search for compromise are better able to establish relationships with others and do well in school. If children watch their parents resolve their conflicts, they are happier than those who do not see the quarrels at all. The first category of children understands that parents can cope with a lot. In addition, the child copies the behavior tactics of adults.

If your parents divorced during your childhood, you will have a bad relationship with them

If your parents separated when you were between three and five years old, you will not have a reliable connection with them, especially for fathers. However, this will not affect your personal life.

Your behavior in kindergarten determines how you will study and look for work

Researchers assessed the behavior of more than seven hundred children and found that there was a link between behavior in kindergarten and social skills in adulthood. Those who already in childhood know how to cooperate and understand the feelings of others graduate well from university and find work by the age of twenty-five. Those who cannot find a friend are more likely to end up in prison, abuse alcohol and need welfare.

If you are a girl and your mother goes to work, you will earn more

If your mother was not a stay-at-home mom, this may have a positive effect on you. Daughters of working mothers study longer, are more likely to receive management positions and have higher incomes than their peers with stay-at-home mothers. The effect is also noticeable in boys - in adulthood they pay more attention to household chores and caring for children.

If you are a boy and your mom works, you will be a better father.

The division of roles in the house serves as a positive example for the child, and a boy from such a family will be more willing to help his wife take care of the child and household chores.

If you copied your parents, you are a more open person

If you imitated your parents without even understanding in detail what you were doing, you will be more open to new cultures as an adult.

If you were sexually abused, you will be overweight

Research has found a link between violence and eating disorders. Girls who experienced violence were 27% more likely to be overweight, and boys were even more likely to be overweight at 66%.

Being popular in school can lead to problems in adulthood

During your school years, did you want to be popular and did you smoke or drink alcohol? This can lead to serious problems in adult life. Those who try to be mature before true maturity may later become involved in crime.

If your parents have a high income, you get higher grades

According to research by scientists at Stanford University, children of rich parents have higher academic performance. Socioeconomic status determines a lot in how a child strives for knowledge.

If you come from a poor family, you may have memory problems

Scientists have noticed that children from poor families often face memory problems in adulthood.

If you have watched a lot of violent TV shows, you will be an aggressive person

Children who watch a lot of detective series with violent scenes grow up to be more aggressive and harsh.

If you started doing math early, it will be easier for you later

Math skills in early childhood help in school and make learning much easier later on. Interestingly, it even improves reading skills!

If your parents had addictions, you will be a serious person

If you've watched your parents abuse drugs or alcohol, chances are you've learned to be a parent to them. As a result, you lost your childhood and became an adult too quickly.

If your parents had high expectations, it's easier for you to get into university

Based on research data that analyzed the lives of more than six thousand people, scientists discovered that much of a child’s success is determined by the expectations of parents. If parents are confident from childhood that their child will receive a higher education, the goal becomes closer.

If your parents didn't let you decide for yourself, you may be dealing with codependency.

If you haven't been allowed to choose your own clothes or food, you may find yourself in a codependent relationship. You will look for a partner who will completely control you.

If you watched a lot of TV as a child, you may have communication problems

TV interferes with communication between parents and children, which ultimately impairs communication skills in adulthood.

If you've been bullied, you find it difficult to control your emotions

Researchers have found that people with difficult childhoods have poorer memory and are unable to control their emotions.

If you were a child with good self-control, you will be a more successful adult

Children who are able to control themselves from an early age grow up to be healthy, financially secure people, unlike those who do not know how to behave.

If your mother took maternity leave, you will be more successful

If your mother gave you maximum attention in your early years, life will be easier for you. Scientists note a positive impact on both IQ and income.

If your parents are attentive to you, it is easier for you to create a healthy relationship

If the parents were attentive and took good care of the child, the child is more likely to have healthy relationships and be successful in education. Good relationships with parents from the first days influence a person’s entire life.

If you were mistreated as a child, you are susceptible to depression

According to British researchers, people who experienced bullying in childhood are more likely to face the problem of depressive disorder.

If you have problems, you will be more successful later.

According to research, people who are faced with hardships and problems in childhood learn not to give up and fight to the last. It is easier for such a person to finish what he starts.

If you did chores as a child, you're better at collaborating

If a child doesn't wash his own dishes, someone will do it for him. It is important that the child has his own responsibility, so that he understands how important it is to work and contribute to the common cause. Then, as an adult, he knows how to cooperate with colleagues, understands their feelings and can act independently.

If previously it was believed that a child should be dressed, shod and fed - and this is enough, now, thanks to the latest research, psychologists are already with this. Children who lacked parental love, but who had everything else in abundance, rarely grow up happy.

Lack of trust

Such people simply do not know how to trust others. Yes, looking for a catch in everything can be useful against not-so-kind individuals, but not trusting friends and family is a completely different matter. It’s just that such people learned from childhood that they need to deal with their problems on their own and not count on anyone’s help. So they don’t trust those who are ready to offer such help.

Poor emotional sphere

Material support is, of course, good, but it does not guarantee normal development. Such a child, alas, is fixated exclusively on material things, does not know how to express his emotions and understand the emotions of other people. This means he has problems communicating, especially on topics that do not revolve around professional skills and making money.

Fear of failure

A direct consequence of a lack of parental love is low self-esteem. The child tries in every possible way to “earn” love, but nothing works out for him. And each time he suffers defeat, he withdraws deeper and deeper into himself. Fear of mistakes appears, and self-doubt arises. And even if it is not demonstrated, it always remains deep inside.

Toxic relationship

People tend to gravitate toward people like themselves. Therefore, people with a lack of love look for those who are equally deprived and start relationships with them based on partial mutual misunderstanding. But the worst thing is if children are born in such a relationship. After all, parents are not familiar with any other behavioral paradigm other than the one learned from childhood. And there is one more unloved child in the world.

Unreliability

People who are accustomed to relying solely on themselves rarely pay attention to others. And on the promises made to these other people. Which further aggravates social isolation and causes condemnation from others.

Depression

Specific physiological depression. Chronic lack of serotonin and dopamine. It is useless to communicate with psychologists here - you must first undergo replacement therapy and only then try to do something. You can also add increased sensitivity to stress here.

Hypersensitivity

If a child experiences an acute lack of attention and love from childhood, then over time it develops into a chronic one. Such children tend to pay too much attention to their deep inner experiences and elevate any situation to an absolute. Added to this is a lack of understanding of the motivations behind other people’s actions.

The site team and journalist Artyom Kostin remind you that this is the basis of all harmonious family relationships. Even if not everything will be smooth in material terms, without love nothing good will come of it at all.