His mother died and his father started drinking. I didn’t see my friend for a whole year, and then I heard his moans and my father’s screams...
— I argued with my friends whether I had enough courage. Who won't have enough, me?..
A homeless child is a child who has no home and no family. A homeless person is someone who regularly runs away from home but always returns back.
During the day, Tanya goes to police stations, boarding schools, hospitals and train stations. He feeds, dresses, and bandages the ulcers on the legs of his charges. And at night she cleans the temple. A cleaning lady, that is.
Tanya Sveshnikova is known at all Moscow train stations and in all station pharmacies. The street kids call her mom. Tanya receives seven calls from prisons from her named sons a day.
- Dim, will they give you IVs in prison? Will two be enough? No, I haven’t bought any medicine yet. Why do you need syringes? Inject vitamins? Exactly vitamins? Well, look... When you get out, call.
- Why do they trust you?
- Because I love them.
- Do they feel it?
- They know it.
Tanya helps them obtain documents, formalize relations with guardianship authorities and military registration and enlistment offices, and tries to solve problems with housing. But all these guys are drug addicts with ten years of experience, they all use drugs. They quickly drink away the documents and “pierce them”.
Butorphanol is sold in pharmacies without a prescription for 300 rubles, a gram of heroin in the Moscow region can be obtained for 800 rubles, in Moscow - for one and a half thousand.
In the morning they wake up and think about where they can get money for food and injections. It's better to inject yourself. If there is no money for heroin or butorphanol, they buy glue. I’ve been breathing and I don’t feel like eating for three hours. Glue costs only ten rubles, bread is more expensive. At night, my only dream is to stretch my legs, get drunk and fall asleep.
— In the future, everyone will have hepatitis C and cirrhosis. Those who live to reach cirrhosis will die painfully; those who do not live will also die. It's all useless, but I support them... in human form.
Street children come to Moscow from Orekhovo-Zuevo, Noginsk, Fryazevo. They run away from boarding schools or from drinking parents. In twos and threes they live at train and metro stations, in abandoned houses and near pharmacies. The largest group - 15 people - lives near the Kursky railway station.
About 16 people lived on Paveletsky a year ago. The other day Tanya sent the last of them to a homeless shelter. The younger ones beg, the older ones steal mobile phones. Tanya returns some of them home seven times, while others are sent to a rehabilitation center three times.
“They think we are free youth, we do what we want, and no one tells us to do it.” They speak slang, listen to Butyrka, live under the platform, fry sausages there.
Well, living under the platform is a lot of fun! One craftsman even installed light from a lantern; they had a DVD player and several tiles there. The cops took some of it, and sold some of it themselves for drugs. And then the police burned their home.
“Tanya,” one investigator once told her, “let’s put them all in jail, you’ll have less hemorrhoids!”
- Oh, why are you so uninterested in talking to me? And I love coming to you so much!..
For misconduct, the child is taken to the police station. There he says: “I’m a drug addict.” He is taken to a drug treatment clinic. They ask: “Are you going to get treatment?” He answers: “No.” And in the evening of the same day - freedom.
The police chase street children away, burn their “houses”, and if someone burns alive along with the rubbish, who cares... They don’t consider street children to be people. Once we caught one girl: “Blowjob or shelter?” The girl chose a blowjob. They say that her friends “recaptured” her after all.
And saleswomen in pharmacies make money from drug addicts. Tanya somehow shamed one of them: “Do you always sell drugs to children or only on holidays?” The police were called, the pharmacy was closed, but the next day they opened again. Then the guys themselves threw Tanya out of there, not “her” guys, some “strangers”...
“There are no “strange” children, but everything I do is useless, they have been on the street for a long time, and they drag each other into the street. My task is to return them home, if this home exists, or to place them in a decent private shelter so that they do not run away.
Volunteers of the movement “Kursky Station. Homeless Children” share Moscow train stations among themselves. Some people are better guided by Paveletsky, others by Kazansky. Tanya works at Kursk.
“Our task is to send home those who have just arrived as quickly as possible, before they become homeless, before they start using drugs. We are trying to place the children in good private orphanages. Sometimes it works. And sometimes they come back and take their friends with them.
On the way to the shelter, they write to Tanya from every stop: “Mom, hello, how are you? We’re going to bed,” “Tanya, don’t worry, everything’s fine.” Sometimes they write from the shelter: “Everything is fine, we are working slowly. Good night».
True stories from the lives of street children
Masha
Masha is 18 years old, she came from Orekhovo-Zuevo. When she was four years old, her mother died, when she was 12 years old, her father died. Masha lived alone in a two-room apartment, “hanging out” with substance abusers, until she was sent to a shelter. She immediately ran away from the shelter, came to Moscow, and started injecting drugs. At the age of 16, she gave birth to a child (he remained in the hospital). Someone suggested that we come to the Hammer and Sickle station, where they feed the homeless. There Masha met Tanya. Tanya helped the girl get documents and return her parents' apartment. So he probably lives without electricity, gas and water...
Maxim
Maxim is 13 years old, he also came from Orekhovo-Zuevo. Max is a very quiet, modest boy, but he has no friends. For the dark ones beautiful eyes The street kids called him a chump. Max's mom died of an overdose, his dad was in prison. Tanya took the boy to his “native” boarding school to get documents.
“You go,” Max said to Tanya, “and I’ll wait in the bushes...
Tanya was gone for about 40 minutes.
-Have you seen the boy? – she asked the janitor.
- Yes, it’s already injected somewhere, go to Pushkin Street, there they boil poppy seeds in every yard.
A week later, Tanya found Max at the Paveletsky station and took him to Yekaterinburg, to the drug-free city rehabilitation center.
“It’s good that we were alone in the compartment, he screamed all night in his sleep.”
In Yekaterinburg, Max was lured by some new friend, and he became a local street child. And then he was caught again in Moscow. Sometimes Tanya meets Max at the pharmacy...
Nikita
Nikita is 15 years old, he came from Noginsk. When he was two years old, his mother was hit by a car.
- We met him funny. For his thirteenth birthday, some girl gave herself... and gonorrhea. He came up to me and said: “I have problems with my genitals.” I took him to the hospital. “Tanya,” she says, “this can’t be, she’s a homemade girl!”
I had to undergo treatment. And when Nikita left the hospital, Tanya sent him home... until his first quarrel with his alcoholic father. Then I went to a winter camp. But when Nikita was diagnosed with hepatitis C, he was “asked” to leave the camp. The boy was again admitted to the clinic, from where he immediately escaped. He spent one whole night in the Yekaterinburg rehabilitation center. A month later I called Tanya from home: “I’m a complete loser, Tanya, I got drunk on the first day, I’m smoking weed, I’m robbing dachas with the boys.” He ran away from a special school. Since he was in last time the police caught no word from him...
Andrey
Andrey is 16 years old, Tanya met him a year ago in a psychiatric hospital. After escaping from the boarding school, the child is admitted to a psychiatric clinic as a preventive measure. They forgot Andrei there. When Tanya met him, it was the eighth month of his imprisonment. Tanya tried to get him somewhere, but who needs a sixteen-year-old undocumented guy with two years of school?
He stole someone's cell phone and ended up in the hospital again. It's been there for a year now. He is proud and doesn’t want to beg, so he steals. He also ran away from the boarding school out of pride. At the age of 15, Andrei completed the second grade with flying colors, and was immediately transferred to the fifth. But then he quarreled with the head teacher, and he threatened him that he would send him to third grade. Andrey ran away. By the way, he learned to read and write in the hospital.
Ilya
Ilya is 20, Tanya met him when she was breaking up a fight. Tanya stopped Ilya from beating up some drunk guy. Ilya was right and sober. The guy was wrong and drunk. Tanya stood up for the one who was wrong. Ilya was offended and did not talk to her. Ilya’s dad drinks at home with an unfamiliar aunt, mom drinks in an unknown place and with whom. Tanya was at his house; she was let in by a neighbor who had been imprisoned six times. The last time was for the murder of a stranger who walked into the wrong door.
Tanya decided that it’s not worth living at home for Ilya, she’s trying to settle him somewhere.
“Now the guys breathe in varnish less and inject themselves more.” They look “lousy” and have abscesses at the injection sites. But they crush pills into ampoules and inject themselves into the groin, after which their legs give out. When I walk down the street, I see only street children and homeless people. I don't see anyone else.
Homeless statistics
The first wave of homelessness hit the RSFSR during the Civil War. According to some data, in 1921 there were 4.5 million street children in Russia, and in 1922 there were already 7 million. At that time, solving the problem of homelessness was declared a political task.
The “State Council for the Protection of Children” was headed by the People’s Commissar of Education Anatoly Lunacharsky himself, and the “Children’s Commission of the All-Russian Central Executive Committee” was headed by the People’s Commissar of Internal Affairs Felix Dzerzhinsky. At the same time, the first orphanages, labor communes and colony schools appeared. In 1919, 125 thousand children were raised in orphanages, in 1921-1922 - 540 thousand. In 1935, it was officially announced that homelessness in the country had been eliminated.
The second wave of homelessness occurred during the Great Patriotic War. Then the first colonies for juvenile offenders appeared in the USSR. By the end of 1943, the number of teenagers in these colonies reached 50 thousand people. In 1950, there were 6,543 orphanages, in which 637 thousand children were raised. In 1960, approximately one million minors were enrolled in boarding schools. The third wave of homelessness broke out in the 1990s. At the beginning of the 21st century, there were between one and five million street children in Russia.
According to the Ministry of Internal Affairs, in 2005 there were more than 700 thousand orphans in Russia, 2 million teenagers are illiterate, more than 6 million minors are in social security unfavorable conditions. For every street child there are 2-3 street children. According to volunteers, no more than 30-40 street children currently live in Moscow.
How to live after death parents? Unfortunately, most of us ask ourselves this question sooner or later. On the one hand, children must outlive their parents: this is the law of life. However, it is very difficult to accept the fact that the people who gave us this life are gone forever...
When there is a warm atmosphere and a strong emotional connection in the family, any separation (even for a while) is a source of suffering for others.
And no one taught us to deal with these feelings, so we find ourselves completely unprepared.
The departure of a mother or father always leaves a deep wound in the soul that never heals. However, gradually you can learn to move on with your life after death loved ones.
Pleasant memories from the past, photographs where you are still together and happy - all those intangible treasures that your parents left in your soul will help you with this. No matter what, they will stay with you forever.
We invite you to think a little about this topic with us. Perhaps this will help you develop certain behavioral strategies to overcome this difficult crisis period in life.
No one is ready to live after the death of their parents...
The pain of loss is always proportional to the emotional connection you had with your dad or mom. And here it doesn’t matter at all whether you grew up or not, became independent, whether you had your own family, etc.
Emotional connection with a loved one is beyond time, distance or years lived.
After all, inside we remain the same person who needs advice and support, who is sincerely grateful for a mother’s hug and for a father’s look, full of pride for you and instilling confidence.
Man is a social and emotional being, and the connections that are established with parents are so intimate that when they are lost, literally everything inside collapses.
Each person experiences the pain of loss differently
The pain of loss you feel is always a very personal process. Through it you come to understand that loved one gone. Psychologists identify the following stages of acceptance:
- Negation
- Depression
- Acceptance
Typically the entire process takes about three months. Nevertheless, Each person experiences grief differently.
Therefore, you should not be offended or angry if it seems to you that someone is grieving “wrongly”. He does not seem “killed” and “crushed” or, on the contrary, expresses his emotions in a grotesque form. Everyone deals with loss differently, and not everyone is able to control it.
It is important to find your own way out of this difficult situation, That, what will help ease the soul. Talk to loved ones or stay alone, look at photo albums or cry to your heart's content.
Gradually, over time, our suffering will decrease. And although it’s hard to believe at first, you will overcome your grief and again you will move forward.
The sudden death of a loved one, without a final goodbye. How to deal with this?
The death of parents can be caused by various circumstances. A long illness, an accident or an unexpected...
- Usually, the most painful thing happens when there was no opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one. After all, they didn’t have time to tell him how much they loved him.
- Sometimes people lose their loved ones directly after a quarrel with them, after some kind of misunderstanding and misunderstanding, after a harsh or offensive word spoken to them. All this, whether we like it or not, aggravates the situation, and it becomes even more difficult to accept the fact of death.
- But it is impossible to correct this, because it is impossible to turn back time. In such a situation, you need to focus your thoughts on the following: the father and mother always know that their child loves them. There are no hard feelings, which means there should be no remorse.
Remember that the past disagreements don't matter. The connection with your parents is so strong, noble and sincere that you must find the strength to say goodbye to them quietly and calmly. After all, they will always be with you, in your heart, thoughts and memories.
To honor the memory of your parents, you need to learn to smile again
Losing a parent is a wound that never heals. And yet, gradually you must learn to live with it, move on and allow yourself to become again. The important things to keep in mind here are:
- Your parents would not want you to continue to live in the grip of emotional suffering, sadness and sadness. It may seem impossible, but you need to relearn how to smile. After all, your happiness is a way to honor the memory of your parents.
- Don't push away the past, let good memories fill your thoughts. They will enrich you and give you strength to live on.
- Everything your parents told you and all the moments you shared with them are emotional gifts that you should pass on to your children. It is a legacy of love and affection that gives strength to grow, but at the same time don't forget your roots.
All of us, sooner or later, will have to face the loss of people close and dear to us. It is impossible to prepare for this. But remember that the one you have today is will become the strength and support of tomorrow.
So learn to live in the present and enjoy every moment spent with your parents, with all completeness and sincerity!
Hello, dear Jubal! After another phone conversation with my dad, after which I wanted to tear my hair out from the powerlessness to change anything, I simply typed in the search “free consultation with a psychologist” and without any hope of finding a response, here I am. Well, at least I’ll speak out...Three months ago I lost my mom, the closest and most loving person in my life. She died so suddenly, not living 5 days before her 55th birthday... A powerful stroke (repeated, after the first three years ago she completely recovered by some miracle), deep coma, complex brain surgery, 12 days of intensive care and that's all . I still can't talk about it without crying. I was very close to my mother. It seems that she was a bright prism through which life was kinder and better. I'm leaving, that's not what I'm complaining about now. Nothing can be fixed with mom, but I can’t imagine what to do with dad...
Dad bears this grief the hardest of all of us. Dad is a complex person, hot-tempered, selfish, but still very good, understanding, caring. And during my mother’s first stroke, he lived with her in the hospital and looked after her better than us daughters, and this time he did everything to get my mother out, sparing neither effort nor money. After my mother’s death, we decided that he couldn’t be left alone now, and his sister (they live in the same area) moved with his family to help and support him. Dad cries all this time every day, sees no meaning in life and doesn’t want to hear or see anyone. Although, surprisingly, he finds the strength to go to his grandmother’s apartment to do renovations, it seems, only because that’s what he and his mother planned (to do renovations there and go live there, and leave his apartment to his sister). At first after the funeral it was open, but soon everything changed. He constantly complained to me about his sister and her family, that they irritate him with their presence, that they do everything wrong and that among them he is even more lonely, to the point that no one talks to him. And his sister says that he isolates himself, does not want to communicate and accept support. In addition, he began to drink... He does repairs during the day, and by the evening he gets drunk. At the same time, he becomes so aggressive that I really fear for my sister. He yells obscenities at them, and this is heard by two 10- and 5-year-olds, shouting “let you all die” and other terrible things. The sister can no longer stand it and is going to return to her home. All this time I was a lightning rod for both my dad and my sister; they complained to me about each other on both sides. Of course, this weighed on me, but I was glad that dad could at least cry with me - I saw that after talking with me, he felt a little better. But now, it seems to me, he has resigned himself a little and calmed down, but he has started drinking more and seems to be using his grief as an excuse for his behavior. Time passes, but he is focused only on himself, he shows neither care nor interest in us, in his grandchildren, in life in general. Due to constant drinking of alcohol, his condition only worsens. This morning I tried to gently bring this to his attention. Like, this only aggravates the already sad state of health. He flushed and did not speak to me. In the evening, when I called him as usual, he behaved like a child. He spoke through his teeth. To my question: “Dad, don’t you want to talk?”, he began to be indignant: “Why do you want to talk to an alcoholic masochist?! Although I never even thought of calling him an alcoholic, let alone in my language. And away we go... In his words, we “treat” him with our advice and decrees, but he feels bad even without it; we all feel good and we don’t understand him; he doesn’t care whether we support him or not, and stuff like that... And now I can’t find a place for myself. It seems that she has deprived him of his last support (he and his sister occasionally quarrel)...
What to do? Maybe we are really wrong in trying to guide him on the right path? Maybe we are not patient and should just offer a shoulder for his tears? But the sister also thinks about her family, which suffers from his anger and aggression. How to provide support if dad rejects her? To any persuasion that it is better to believe that after death we will all meet, he gets angry and denies everything. And not only for this - for almost everything. Even a simple “Dad, hold on, time will ease the pain” can be heard: “Yes, but I will look at you if you lose your husband with whom you have lived for 35 years! It’s easiest to say “hold on!” and so on. So what can we say then??? In general, I don’t know, I’m depressed and just killed by everything that’s happening. It seems that with my mother’s passing, our family fell apart and the whole world was completely cracked...
It seemed like she had spoken out, but it didn’t make it any easier.
When a loved one dies, especially parents or mother, the grief seems unbearable, the person simply goes into shock. My first thought is that this can’t be true! How so? What's next? Even if the mother was ill for a long time and her death was a foregone conclusion, doubts about the reality of what was happening did not disappear immediately. You need to get used to the idea that your loved one, such an important and unique person in your life, is no longer around. Grief appears, and is replaced by the thought of your guilt before the dead, that you did not behave like that, were not there when you died, did not provide sufficient attention, could not help, etc. According to psychologists, grief goes through 7 stages, after which a person who has lost his parents comes to his senses and begins to live on. How to get out of depression?
Mourning, grief, depression after the death of a mother is a natural reaction normal person. After all, all the best that a person has was connected with your mother; her love always protected and protected you. Without a mother, a person feels orphaned. But if the state of grief drags on, disrupting the entire way of life, destroying the person himself, then we're talking about about depression.
Grief after the death of a loved one, according to psychologists, goes through several stages:
- Negation.
- Depression.
- Acceptance of what happened.
- Revival.
- Creating a new life.
Denial and Anger
Stage 1 is based on fear, a person is afraid of what happened, does not know what and how will happen next, sometimes people can fall into numbness and become inadequate. They deny death, do not believe what happened. Distract them at this moment, force them to take care of the funeral and wake procedures, do not give them the opportunity to withdraw into themselves, do not leave them alone, talk to them. There is no need to calm and console, they still don’t perceive you, it won’t help them. A person at home comes across the things of the deceased, can hear her voice, see her in a dream, in a crowd - this is a normal reaction to grief, you should not be afraid of this.
This stage ends with the awareness of the death of a loved one, after which comes the next, stage 2 - anger and resentment: everything that happened is unfair, the feeling of hatred is projected onto the whole world. Why did this happen, for what? Why with her, with mom? Envy: why are others alive and walking to work, down the street, as if nothing had happened? This is wrong! Emotions can be like a storm depending on how often and with what force a person splashes them out.
Guilt and depression
Stage 3 - feeling of guilt: moments of communication are remembered, and there is always the thought that they were not attentive enough, why at the moment of death they were not there, did not hold hands, did not say goodbye, did little to help not die. For some, this feeling of guilt remains for the rest of their lives, even when everything has passed, but this apparently depends on the subtlety of a person’s nature.
The next stage is depression: a person gives up, he no longer has the strength to hide his emotions, he is energetically exhausted, very sad, does not believe that he can be reborn, avoids sympathy, does not give vent to negative thoughts and this makes him even more unhappy; There may be a strong feeling of emptiness. Then comes acceptance of what happened, and with acceptance comes relief and reduction of pain: the person comes to terms with what happened. Anger and depression begin to let go, weaken, the person feels that he is able to pull himself together and start new life, although without a mother. In order for a person to get out of a situation, he needs help.
Renaissance
After the death of a mother or another loved one, in any case, the next stage begins - rebirth: an understanding of the need to accept new conditions comes, the survivor withdraws into himself, becomes silent, uncommunicative, and always seems to be analyzing something. This period is perhaps the longest, it can last up to several years.
At the last, 7th stage, a person changes, all stages of grief have been passed, life has become different, reached a new level. Many people strive to find new friends, supporters, and a change of environment. Some move to another city, change jobs, so that nothing returns to the past. A person understands that life goes on, he begins to realize that for his mother, death was liberation, and then he no longer worries about her, but about the fact that she is not with him.
But it doesn’t always go through 7 stages; sometimes a person remains at the stage of depression, fixed on his tragedy. A sign of depression after a loss is apathy: everything is painted in black, interest in life disappears, a person does not return from the past, he remembers the departed, communicates with him in his thoughts, there may be sleep disturbances or insomnia, mechanical absorption of food or refusal of it, melancholy , anxiety, feeling of hopelessness, desire to die. If there are at least 3 of the above symptoms and it has lasted for more than 3-6 months, a diagnosis of depression is made. Depression after death is more severe when a person has witnessed the sudden death of a loved one.
Depression no longer goes away with the usual crying of tears; a person may not remember the reasons for his condition, everything becomes so hopeless for him. In a normal situation, when a person is still in grief, he can allow moments of joy, but with depression this is not the case; melancholy and despair are constant. With depression, there is a constant feeling of guilt, thinking and motor skills are inhibited, speech is slow, there may be hallucinations, apathy, indifference to the environment, even to the dirt in the house, inactivity, and constipation develops. Tearfulness and anticipation of problems and troubles are often added.
In such cases, they turn to a psychologist and psychiatrist. Psychotherapy is often effective and helps to get out of the situation after the death of loved ones. How can a psychotherapist help you? To be there in moments of worry, to help you go through all the stages, to restore strength after loss, to maintain mental health and to prevent the consequences of grief.
According to psychologists, mental recovery, when memories cease to be sharply painful, occurs after 9 months. Until that time, you must not remain alone. Be surrounded by family and people close to you with whom you can remember and be sad. It’s not for nothing that they say that grief shared is grief halved. Take care of the funeral, wake, registration of housing, inheritance - this will distract you. If it’s very hard, don’t forbid yourself to cry, grieve, tears cleanse. Change your environment, go on vacation or, conversely, immerse yourself in work. Do not resort to alcohol or sedatives - mental recovery will be disrupted.
Remove your mother's things from your sight so as not to upset yourself, visit the grave, don't restrain yourself if you can't bear it. Do not be shy about your grief and its manifestations; in such a state a person is helpless and resembles a child. People need to be listened to, let them talk, tell them about their pain. A diary helps many in these cases; write down all your experiences in it, re-read and analyze what you have written. Don't cultivate feelings of guilt.
Another way is to write a letter to your mother; she will take over all the unfinished letters; you need this, not her. It won’t be funny that there is nowhere to send it, then you can just burn it.
There is another method: using two cans. Make a lot of colorful pieces of paper, and when you remember something good about a departed person, write literally 2 words on a piece of paper, roll it into a ball and throw it into a “good” jar. It’s the same with the “bad” one - a jar of grievances. When your “good” jar is full is up to you. Put it in a place where you can see it, and all the good things will now be before your eyes. And with a “bad” jar, the day will come when grievances will not be remembered, then burn the balls in it, and you will be free.
Find a new hobby, do general work around the house, do not do anything that would remind you of the loss. Force yourself to move, communicate, go out into nature, take part in pleasant activities. Master the technique of deep breathing, relaxation, do meditation, start doing gymnastics in the morning, walk, sleep 7-9 hours a day. This will help you cope with the pain of the death of loved ones and move on. Don't let grief turn into depression.
Memories soften the blow. Change your thinking, because any problem can be reformulated with a plus sign. Mom died of cancer - she was freed from pain, received peace, and no longer suffers. No one can radically change their life after a loss, but it is possible to gradually recover and recover. Living in the present takes effort; asking for help is natural. If they turn to you, take the time to listen to the person in grief and support him. Be patient with yourself and others, experiences last longer than people imagine.
Think about your usual daily routine, go shopping, start doing chores around the house. Do not set difficult tasks for yourself, postpone their implementation until better times. Lives inside every person small child, and you must definitely talk to him, like an adult with a child, and convince him that you are not to blame for your mother’s death. And no one is to blame. Convince him until a feeling of relief comes, until the feeling of guilt recedes, until the mind and soul calm down.
Anyone who has left always has unfinished business, take care of them, settle everything - this will also give you strength. Don’t close yourself within 4 walls, you need to go out to people. Grief and renunciation of reality are not a way out, not an indicator of the power of love, but a manifestation of selfishness. Let you be interested in the life of those living nearby.
Treatment
Sometimes there is a need for the help of doctors - do not hesitate to contact them; in such cases, treatment is carried out in a hospital, under the supervision of medical staff.
Among the drugs used according to various methods, one can name antidepressants, tranquilizers, and sometimes antipsychotics. Physiotherapy, vitamin therapy, nootropics, correct mode day, the help of a psychologist - all this helps to get out of depression completely and without relapse, because we are talking about a reactive etiology.
All of us go through loss. At such moments, it is important not to let yourself plunge into the abyss of despair and find the strength to survive. It turns out that time really heals and reveals new colors of the world. After all, spring always comes after winter, whether we like it or not. When remembering your mother, let there be only light sadness and gratitude that she was with you. The departed are always invisibly present as long as people remember them.
You cannot live in the past, if you want to take only good things from the past, think more about others and very little about yourself, and then there will be no getting stuck in grief. Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting about it, but learning to live fully after the loss.
Good afternoon Help me understand what to do?
I'll try to be brief. Mom died, dad was left alone in the apartment. We children live in another city. It is clear that he feels bad there. He is 55. Still young. The first year after my mother’s death, we often came and invited him to visit us, tried to greet him with all honors and entertain him in every possible way. Once, on one of these visits to us, while we were at work, he brought an unknown “lady” into the house. At the same time, he called me and my brother to clarify when we would come home from work. It was only later that we realized that he was afraid that we would catch him, and we had just given my mother a year. When we returned from work, we found condom wrappers on the floor, a towel stained with lipstick and mascara, and I also didn’t find my perfume, which was on the nightstand in the hallway; all the family photos were wrong. When asked who was here, my father denied everything and was even offended. In the end, realizing that it was stupid to hide, he confessed, claiming that nothing worked out with her. And he tells these details to us, children who have recently experienced loss. Having not cared about our feelings and sullied the memory of our mother, he sincerely believes that he did not do anything reprehensible and even says, I thought you would understand me. My brother and I don’t mind if he moves in with some woman, but in a human way. Let him live. But that's not the way to bring prostitutes into your children's home. A year has passed since that incident. We just can’t improve our relationship, my brother doesn’t communicate with his father at all, I try, I call several times a day, to find out how he’s doing, despite his meanness, because I understand that he feels bad alone. He tells everyone that we abandoned him and yet sees nothing wrong with what he did. Tell me what to do? I bad person? What to do in such a situation. I don't know what he wants from us. We no longer want to invite him to our place, because we are afraid that he will do this again. Who's right?
Answers from psychologists:
Osintseva Tatyana Viktorovna
City: Taganrog
Types of activities:You are now under extremely strong emotional stress. This is because there is a conflict inside: is daddy wrong? or are we wrong?
Remember your childhood, when you brought friends to visit and littered during the games and your brother... You were probably actively told that you did not bring friends to the whole house, shamed for the games you played!?
Your feelings for your mother are hurt, which you impose on your dad. He is not you. We have a good proverb: “The egg doesn’t teach the chicken.” In the family hierarchy, you and your brother are lower than your father, so it’s not for you to tell him how to behave. You are responsible for your life, you can carry your values to your children, but not to your parents. You must respect them.
Think about the fact that because of this situation in your life there is resentment, irritation, no father, no love...
Do the exercise. Closing your eyes, remember all the good things your father did for you personally. Thank him for this from the bottom of your heart. Feel your emotions. You don't need to do anything else.
Be happy.
Osintseva Tatyana Viktorovna
City: Taganrog
Types of activities:psychologist-consultant, leader of psychological groups
Specialization in psychological approaches and directions:addiction treatment, NLP, symboldrama, body-oriented psychotherapy, transpersonal approach, other approaches and methodsRead the article here, maybe it will explain more to you: http://www.b17.ru/article/chto_daet_blagoslovenie/
Korzh Maria Alexandrovna
City: Ekaterinburg
Types of activities:psychologist-consultant, leader of psychological groups
Specialization in psychological approaches and directions:cognitive therapy, online, narrative therapy, client-centered psychotherapy, psychodrama, psychosynthesis, dance movement therapy, systemic therapy, other approaches and methodsHello, Zhanneta! Why do you need to know who is right and who is wrong? And is there a clear answer here? There are two different points of view: for you, your father’s behavior is depravity, he has his own truth. You expected one behavior from your father, but he did not live up to your expectations. Who's to blame? He is that he did what he considered necessary or you are expecting a certain thing from him, convenient for you, behavior. Indeed, this situation also reminded me that you are the mother, and he is a naughty teenager who brought a girlfriend whom you did not approve of.
It may be easy for you to say how and with whom your father should live, living next to your brother (I didn’t understand from your message whether you have a husband, etc.), but he is somewhere in another city all alone, not so already young, just trying to live on, learn to live in new role and satisfy your natural men's needs.
Your reaction is understandable - for you, he is a father who betrayed the memory of his mother, and he also betrayed your ideas about him. But he is not only your father, he is also just a lonely man. Both as children and as adults, you should accept this fact without judgment. Because relationships with women and his other personal affairs should not concern you. And maybe the only omission he made was to remove this line and introduce you to the intimate sphere. What his motives were then is no longer important now.
In any case, what good will come from your condemnation and punishment of your father by rejection? Will this bring your family closer? Will this make anyone happy? What happened cannot be returned, what do you want to prove with your behavior? What action do you expect from your father? What will it change if they tell you “You are right” or, on the contrary, say “He is right”?
You can choose to be right but lose your father forever. Or you can find the strength to accept him as he is and have a close relationship. It's up to you to decide.
I wish all the best to you and your family!
Problem area:
Family relationships
Comments
You are making an analogy with
You draw an analogy with children's games. Yes, we brought friends, but we didn’t indulge in debauchery! Don't care about their feelings! You are justifying an immoral act. Behind our back, he brought not his girlfriend, but a girl from the street just to sleep with him. In our house, not in our apartment. You need to relieve yourself, go to the brothel there and do your business. In your opinion, what if he raped someone? We must also take it for granted, we are inferior, he is a parent, he is right. So? Or did you just read the fifth to tenth post. They didn't understand the point!
To say that you are right would be
Ershova Ekaterina Vitalievna - 29.01.2015 - 14:20
To say that you are right would be fair if the situation happened recently. But a whole year has passed, and you still remember your offense. This means that this resentment against the father has a deeper reason. But if you don’t pay attention to this, then you continue to communicate with him, except that you don’t drag him to you, like last time. Indeed, when necessary, he himself will tell you that he wants to move and live with his children. But if he so cleverly found himself a woman in a foreign city, he is unlikely to be very bored there either. In other words, the period has probably not yet arrived when children and parents “change places” and children begin to act as parents in relation to their parents, who need to be looked after and make decisions for them. If he is so active in looking for a sexual partner, there is a chance that your father is interested in starting a family and having children. You communicate with your father and you are absolutely right about this!