How to start a normal sex life. Can't start having sex
Every psychotherapist, sexologist or family psychologist working on female sexual problems of vaginismus, anorgasmia, etc. has its own achievements. We can solve many things, as if according to a template, which we use in our practice, but in any case, each psychotherapeutic session and work on male or female sexual problems is, after all, unique, because behind it there is some kind of life of its own client and his personal history.
And taking this into account, the sexologist, family psychologist or psychotherapist then develops individual sexual therapy. If we turn to girls with problems of vaginismus, then there is something that unites this category of female sexual difficulties. And this will, of course, be the fear of pain, what lies at the core, and if we eliminate this, then everything will sort itself out. And a girl who has not yet known the joy of sex and has not begun to have a sexual life will finally get the desired result.
For example, my client from Moscow, who contacted me regarding female sexual problems of vaginismus and anorgasmia, also had her own personal story, or the story of her fears, with which I began to work as a sexologist and family psychologist.
So, the first memory associated with the fear of pain returns the client to adolescence. Then she was diagnosed with mastitis, the girl was given drainage, there was pus and pain. The doctors scared her, and in the end it turned out that the pain itself was not as painful as the anticipation of it.
We have now removed this memory. Everything was already in the past, not a trace remained of mastitis, and there was absolutely no need to keep this problematic memory to myself.
The second difficulty underlying vaginismus was sex itself. “If the pain goes away, what will happen instead?” - These are the strange thoughts that the girl had, they also supported the secondary benefit of vaginismus and anorgasmia, preventing her from starting a full-fledged sexual life.
I, as a sexologist and psychologist, helped formulate her sexual scenario, orienting my client from Moscow towards the manifestation of love, sensuality, and pleasure. And also, I, as the presenter of women's trainings on sexuality, added to her the missing feminine qualities, equalizing sexual energy, and increasing the desire to finally have sex.
The next story of fear and vaginismus already related to the topic of friends who gave birth, and dealt with the painfulness of the process. And here vaginismus acted as a kind of defense against this situation.
I worked on this topic separately; in principle, all experienced sexologists, psychotherapists and family psychologists have developed patterns in this regard.
I also removed pain from the client, which was visualized in the form of knives. She was so sharp and strong, as it seemed to her, when her partner tried to enter the girl.
It is probably worth noting that the partner has already become a husband, and has happily remained one for half a year, but has not yet entered into his sexual rights.
Now the client noted that he himself was behaving somewhat timidly and unconfidently. She never dreamed of such a wife. The girl thought that an experienced man would come to her virginity and teach her everything.
But in fact it turned out that men she was the second, and his first partner was no longer a virgin. Therefore, when a sexual failure occurred, the partner fell into a kind of depression - apathy, and, probably, the spouses should appear at my appointment together so that I, as a sexologist and psychologist, could assess the situation occurring in the couple and prescribe adequate sexual marital therapy probably to both partners.
anonymously
Hello. I'm a guy. I am almost 25 years old, but I have never had sexual relations with the opposite sex. Everything seems to be fine with attraction and potency. I am not a homosexual, my sexual fantasies concern only women. But no relationship develops. I really can’t imagine how to find a partner for regular sex or how to have one-time sex. I have to masturbate regularly. Maybe that's the whole point. I started masturbating very early, in childhood. I don’t remember exactly, but I think I was less than four years old then. Since then I have been doing this regularly, although I was always ashamed of it and was afraid that someone would find out about it. Now I’m still embarrassed to start communicating with girls, because I have no sexual experience at all. There are two more problems. Firstly, for some reason I get excited very easily (an erection appears) in the presence of girls - I don’t know if this is normal. But, for example, the day before I masturbated, and the next day I had a chance to dance with a girl (for the first time in for a long time) and even from slight contact in dance an erection appears. This situation does not add self-confidence - what will she think of me? Second problem. For some reason, I have been very “whiny” since childhood. In stressful situations, when faced with some failures in life (or even memories of them), I very easily start to cry. I can't control myself. I always tried to hide this fact from everyone. When communicating with girls, this again does not add confidence, because at the slightest failure (I approached and asked to dance - I politely refused), I often cannot hold back my tears, I have to make a lot of effort. For these reasons, I almost never try to establish a relationship - only if something happens by chance (extremely rarely). Please advise what should I do? I was almost desperate to change my life for the better. For other questions I turned to a psychologist, but for this reason I don’t have enough courage yet. She is a woman. Who is better to contact on this issue, a psychologist or a sexologist?
Hello. You need to talk to a psychologist specifically about your inability to communicate. Everything else is secondary. THE INABILITY to get to know each other and maintain relationships is the main problem. Solve it - and everything else will be solved by itself. By the way, if a girl feels your erection while dancing, she will think something like “I’m damn attractive - that guy is so excited. Well done!”, and not something terrible at all. But the inability to control emotions is not good. In a word, go to a psychologist - for GENERAL issues, and not at all directly sexual ones. Good luck!
anonymously
Hello again. I started working with a psychologist about relationships with the opposite sex. There are no significant results yet. But it arose next question to you. Maybe the reason for my condition is the lack of proper “motivation” to communicate with girls? I usually get excited easily, but since I don’t have a partner, I have to satisfy myself on my own. Moreover, I do this whenever possible and at the slightest desire, since otherwise it is difficult to think about something else and do other things. In addition, I often masturbate when there is no particular desire, but I want to “please myself” - in the morning, for example. As a result, when an attractive girl appears on the horizon, perhaps I simply have no particular desire to get to know her and therefore I cannot overcome my fears and indecision? Could this be the reason? I also studied your article about the constitution: http://yuryprokopenko.ru/konstituciya-garantiruet-nam/ The result was disastrous for me: TI = 1.76, libido awakening - before eleven (taking into account masturbation or not?), ejaculation - I don’t remember, hair - male type without hypertrichosis, excess 3 or 4 - I don’t remember exactly. Question: could my sexual constitution be the reason for my situation? Maybe I have serious deviations in psychosexual development and I need to take some special measures to normalize my life?