If the wife corresponds with other men. Why does a girl talk to other guys?

It's nice when your girlfriend communicates only with you and her friends. But what if a girl communicates with other guys? We will discuss this problem.

Every man wants his woman to devote time only to him. At the same time, he gets very jealous when the girl communicates with someone else. Especially when she communicates with a male representative. And that's okay. Where there is love, there is also jealousy.

So let's first look at the reasons why a girl communicates with other guys:

1 Manipulates. The girl wants to make you jealous. Most likely she needs something from you. It's not uncommon for girls to play for the audience and look at the guy's reaction. A girl can also manipulate when she is offended by you. And he wants to make you show emotions.

2. Lack of attention. Perhaps you spend little time with your loved one. And she found a way out of this situation. Namely, the girl began to correspond with other guys or communicate with them on the phone.

3. Changes. This option should not be ruled out. After all, if you are honest with yourself, it is he who gets into your head first. There are girls of easy virtue who are for open relationships. They only need a guy for show. And whenever the guy tries to take control over her, she easily evades. This is such an incorrigible category of girls. And here you are unlikely to do anything.

4. Loves male communication. Some girls have been in contact with boys since childhood. And they like to have more guys in their social circle. For example, singer Alena Vinnitskaya’s communication is more dominated by men.

5. Friendly. Of course, friendship between a man and a woman is a controversial issue. But still, there are girls who believe in her. And that's okay. Most likely, you also have girls you know or, in extreme cases, relatives with whom you communicate. Therefore, the girl may not even suspect that you don’t like it. Or she doesn’t understand why she can’t communicate with guys.

6. Doubts you. The girl is not sure of her feelings. That's why he talks to guys. She is looking for answers to her questions or is looking for a guy in whom she will not doubt. Of course, this is all ugly on her part, but there is such a category of girls.

7. She is not interested in you. Perhaps your feelings have faded over time. And you don't even have anything to talk about. Yes, she loves you and is faithful to you, but she is just bored. That's why she talks to other guys.

Now let's look at what to do in such situations:

1., then you should tell her about it straight to her face. This will bring her to clean water. But the manipulator still needs to be supported by facts. Since it will get out anyway.

2. Give her more attention. At least so that there is no person who will spare it. If this doesn’t work, then talk to your significant other. Explain to her that you don’t like it and tell her other entertainment.

3. If you are sure of betrayal, then make appropriate decisions. If not, then you shouldn’t shoot from the shoulder. Try to find confirmation or refutation of such suspicions.

4. In this case, you need to accept your girlfriend for who she is. Otherwise, the quarrels over this issue will never end. It is worth asking the girl to limit such communication.

5. Explain your position to the girl. And give her clear examples of why she should stop such communication. But you shouldn’t set your position rigidly. Understand that these are her friends after all.

6. If a girl doubts your relationship, then she should confidently and decisively declare her position. Let her understand that you can’t sit on two chairs.

7. If interest has faded, then it is worth renewing it. Sit down and reminisce together about how you met and other wonderful times you shared. And try to become more interesting and romantic.

Draw conclusions and make your decisions. Whatever it is, you and only you are responsible for your life.

Cases when a husband corresponds with another occur quite often. However, as are situations when a wife corresponds with someone else. After all, husbands do not enter into correspondence with aliens, but with someone’s wives. There is a reason for everything that happens to us. There is also a reason why spouses correspond with other women. There is also a reason why your husband is doing this and why you need this situation.

To try to understand the situation, answer yourself two simple questions:

1. Why is my husband texting someone else? What is the reason why and why does he do this?
2. Why is this situation needed in my life, what does it want to teach me?

Write down your answers. By answering the questions honestly, you yourself, without the help of a specialist, will be able to understand the reasons for this behavior and, perhaps, understand what to do. Most often, such situations occur against the background of internal dissatisfaction of one of the spouses with the other or mutual dissatisfaction with each other. Dissatisfaction can be in the sexual sphere, issues of living together, issues of raising children, spending time together, etc.

Moreover, it is not necessary that dissatisfaction initially arose with your spouse; this may be a consequence of your demands on him on some issues. It is possible that he is simply not able to meet the demands placed on him at the moment. Perhaps, in the pursuit of success, you have set the wrong priorities in life. For example, your dream has always been a big, beautiful apartment, you took out a mortgage and your spouse has to work hard to pay for the loan. Perhaps your spouse is very ambitious himself and wants to achieve great success.

Crises occur in every family when relationships become colder. And if at the same time, the spouse works for wear and tear, then at some point he may think that he will not last another 15 years. Naturally, he begins to look for opportunities to relax and enjoy the present moment. The simplest and most socially acceptable way is through sports, you can go on vacation, however, men often start looking for adventure on the side to relieve stress. Even, one might say, not on the side, but at work. After all, a man spends most of his time at work, not with his family. In this situation, it is important to understand in detail the reasons why dissatisfaction with life arose; perhaps it is fatigue, stress, or the need for novelty.

Perhaps you need to convince your spouse to reconsider priorities, joint goals, lower the bar and spend more time together. After all, what is the point of buying an apartment, a car, a house if your family falls apart before this happy moment comes? What is the point of a career if it does not bring harmony to family life? Why work hard to send your child to an expensive kindergarten or an elite school if there is a chance that he will grow up without a father?

"It's stupid to be next to a man who is generally good, but offends you all the time." (With)

I have this letter:

Katya, hello.

I’ll immediately identify the topic that worries me: my man corresponds with other women on dating sites and social networks. Not just like that, not for the sake of communication, but for the sake of, let’s say, unbridled flirtation with a continuation.

I caught him many times in far from innocent correspondence with girls - online and on the phone. On a not at all innocent correspondence. A couple of times I was practically caught on the way out to meet these girls. Scandals, checks, attempts to talk about what is missing, why he is doing this are useless. This has been going on for almost a year now. He promises not to write, and then he thinks that I won’t find the smartest one, and writes again. We live together, sex is normal, 3 times a week (I’m 31, he’s 38). What is he missing?
We decided to break up, but I keep thinking, maybe I’m a fool and exaggerating everything. Although it seems to me that I am justifying him and he simply doesn’t care about me.

I feel like the last idiot, and I am very ashamed to be in such a situation. It's painful, and somehow stupid.

We met a little over a year ago. He didn’t show much initiative, but I liked him, and usually if I set a goal for myself, I try to achieve it and most often I come. So here too - I decided (I will call a spade a spade) that I need family life(before that she lived alone for a long time, worked a lot), and here he is, a potential prince. Well, I lured him in :) So, we moved in together.

I completely sincerely fascinated him; I wanted ordinary, normal, warm human relationships. We lived quietly with him for three months, I trusted him, everything was fine, sex, calls “I’m leaving work, what to buy,” communication at home. We have different interests, and our attitudes towards life are quite different, but I liked it, it was interesting to me - you can’t sit in your usual cocoon all the time.

And then, a few months later, I wanted to look at the time on my phone (with him), but I ran into an SMS from a girl.
This is normal for me, I wouldn’t assume any trick in a different situation. Only the SMS was so-so-so, cute, how are you, when are you coming? I immediately opened everything else. It turned out that he didn’t want to meet with her (he wrote to her that he had no time, and all that), but he corresponded with all his might - and she clearly didn’t know that he had someone.
I felt very unpleasant. I asked him who it was and why he needed all this.

He said that, like, bullshit, the girl got attached. I suggested that he write to her that he has a girlfriend (or simply reduce the correspondence to something innocent, and not such open flirting). He said that it was somehow stupid to write about a girl out of the blue, and that he would nullify the correspondence.
I decided not to make a big deal, just to see what would happen. He seems to have negated it.
Only then she wrote one night, and it became clear that this was how they communicated. My nerves couldn’t stand it, I wrote her a message asking her to write to Artyom during the day, and not when we were sleeping. After that, she didn’t write anymore, I seemed to have calmed down, but in vain.

A month later I saw a text from another girl. He looked at this SMS right in front of me, I didn’t rummage through his phone and didn’t specifically look for anything.
I asked who it was - in my opinion, a completely normal question.
He could have simply said that this was an acquaintance, and that’s all, but he said that this was a colleague, and at the same time he began to get out of it somehow strangely, it was clear that it was a lie.

I immediately opened Facebook, looked for her, and said that there was no need for me to hang noodles on my ears, she was not a colleague.
My God, what a scandal there was about the fact that how dare I take it straight out and check everything, and not trust what he says. I also made a scandal about why some unknown girls were writing in the middle of the night again. In general, we had a fight and made up.

At the same time, he has girlfriends with whom he communicates, calls him up, tells me about them, and everything is fine - I think it’s normal to communicate with familiar men and women. And here is a specific lie, although, in theory, they didn’t have time to have any sex.

And I was carried away. I looked at the history of visiting sites - and was shocked. There, every day I watch porn sites (in principle, I’m fine with this, but every day there are 50 pages? And we have normal sex).
So, porn sites - it’s as if you can’t just jerk off to something, but look at all the girls there, plus dating sites - every day, correspondence “oh, I live alone, maybe we should have coffee.”

Moreover, according to my feelings, it never came to a meeting there. I decided to check how limited it really is virtual communication. I made an account, contacted him on behalf of a pretty naiad, and agreed on coffee. In general, I listened at home to how he was lying about urgent work and having to leave for three hours. Of course, I told him that the naiad was me, and there was no need to go anywhere. I made a scandal, he made excuses. In general, complete nonsense.

Well, that’s all, and so it continued - he promised me that he wouldn’t do it again, he stopped corresponding on one network (or with one girl) and switched to something else. I caught it. Scandalous again. He promised again. A couple of times I practically caught it at the last moment before a possible meeting. In general, it's really some kind of nonsense. I stopped trusting me a long time ago, it was insulting, painful, I wanted to understand whether he is such a liar in principle, or whether he is lying to me personally, what is he lacking?

She asked this way and that - maybe I don’t like me, maybe there’s something missing in sex - what’s wrong, can we somehow agree, what the hell is going on, really. Katya, you can laugh, but I really thought that a person had formed a certain habit over his previous life and now we need to talk, explain that there are other options for developing relationships, and that you can build a relationship with a loved one differently, and not just fuck someone fresh for a month meat and jump to a new one.

Moreover, if you don’t know about these correspondences, then he simply ideal man- and he’ll stop by the store, and wash the dishes, and everything is in its place, and no socks under the sofa - he really likes order. I personally know women who don’t react to their men’s sprees, but I can’t do that, this is not my model of behavior at all.

In general, we agreed that I have passwords for all his social networks, emails and generally everything where there are passwords - as proof that he does not lie to me and does not correspond with anyone.
I, Katya, feel, firstly, a domestic tyrant, and secondly, a complete idiot who has not yet escaped from pure idiocy.

And this is also pointless - he still writes compliments to the girls and does laundry. He thinks I don't see. Today we quarreled again and agreed that he would pack his things and adju this evening. But I still don’t understand why he does this? Does he really care about me that much?
He knows he's hurting me, but he continues. What is he proving and to whom?
Am I doing the right thing by wanting to end this strange relationship? Maybe I should have tried something else - this thought haunts me. Let go, don’t interfere, don’t check? I can't, it hurts. I don’t want to think that maybe he just got off some girl and now he’s walking around smiling at me. I can't. Maybe I did everything wrong and I'm completely stupid?

I decided not to shorten the letter. Something tells me that the problem is typical.

But what I’m going to talk about is not at all what it might seem.
Well, yes, I could write a long post on the topic “what an asshole he is.”
But there is no need to write about it. Yes, he is an asshole, that’s clear. Moreover, he is exactly what can be called a manipulator. With all these hackneyed schemes, like “planting potential rivals” and so on.

Because simply not loving a person (and he, of course, doesn’t love her) is one thing, but that’s what honesty and human attitude towards a partner are for: I don’t love you, I don’t want you, leave.
And to accept care, to see how a partner torments himself, and at the same time like this, meanly, “you suffer, go crazy, flounder, I see it, but I’m not going to change anything, I’ll live with you for now, but I’ll see: what else is there on the side there is good stuff." - this is completely different.
This is bestiality. Bestiality, cowardice and manipulation.

Here, let's say, is a wonderful marker in a letter (although it is generally full of markers):
“I asked this way and that - maybe I don’t like me, maybe there’s something missing in sex - what’s wrong, can we somehow agree, what the hell is going on, really.” (With)

Absolutely typical confusion of one partner, the very thing “asked this way and that way.” She is already spinning like a top and trying to speak to him in the language of “person to person.”
And what does he get in response? And he gets the folklore cat Vaska, who listens and eats.
In short, just in case, I’ll remind you of what I already wrote about: trying to come to an agreement with a manipulator is obviously a failure. A normal partner with all these conversations will simply twist himself into a spiral even more and will inevitably break himself in fruitless attempts to understand “what am I doing wrong.”
Yes, that's it. I just contacted the wrong person.

Therefore, yes, such, to put it mildly, hysterical relationships must be stopped. They are destructive and will not lead to anything good. Unless, of course, you consider the clinic of neuroses a good ending.
In general, the topic was closed with my partner. Everything is clear. Stay away. The further, the better.

* * * * *
And now we will talk about something else. About why we end up in unsuccessful relationships, and why we so often hold on to unsuitable or morally destroying partners to the last.
I would especially like to emphasize that we will not even talk so much about couples in which one of the partners is a manipulator and abuser - that’s what I’m talking about anyway

We'll talk about failed relationships in general. These are the ones when “he’s actually good, but for some reason he offends me all the time.”
Offends you with anything: words, indifference, inappropriate attitude.
In short, about all relationships where we want a little more, but for some reason we alwaysWe don't get enough.
And also about all relationships of the form“He’s actually good, not quite my thing, of course, but what can you do, you have to take what you have, suffer, but hold on.”

And what... do you know how many such letters I have!
I’ll retell one thing from memory. There was a girl there, 24 years old, and the girl had a boy of about the same age. And now the girl was at a crossroads: on the one hand, she was pushing the boy hard on the topic of “living together and the registry office,” and on the other hand, she herself understood that the boy was very problematic and that she was somehow lost.
The boy didn’t strive for anything there, didn’t want to work, spent his life playing shooting games, sex was “nothing”, the boy was frankly of zero use, and in general she listed so many things there that it was enough for her to re-read this letter herself to forget about the boy once and for all.

But no! At the end, the girl wrote a wonderful phrase, saying, I understand that he has all these shortcomings, but what if I can’t find a better one?

And I thought: damn! Yes, the whole boy there is made up of shortcomings, and in order not to find a better one, you have to live on a desert island, by God.
Because she is better than him, with all of the above - for her, every first one can really be. Only she stubbornly refused to accept it.

* * * * *
You know, women are kind of bourgeois. In the sense that we are all, almost all, creatures, in fact, very pragmatic and down-to-earth. We often don’t show it or even fully realize it, but it’s true.
It’s men who can pick a million red roses, climb onto balconies and do other romantic nonsense. And women, of course, are pleased with this. But…

The thing is that women urgently need to nest.
While the man is recklessly tearing roses, she (even the most romantic one) is thinking about how and where, in connection with all this, she can arrange a nest and what feathers to cover it with. Everything is logical, yes. The chicks need to be hatched somewhere.
“Nest” is the main thing that is embedded in a woman’s subcortex.
And everything should be in the nest. And in their places. No, of course, love and all that is often present in this too, but... not at the core, let’s say.

Mentally, it looks like this: a woman, having barely emerged from romantic feelings, begins to feel the space nearby, to see if “everything is in place”: “Here are my plates, here are my spoons, here are my towels, here are my sheets and pillows... sooo, here is my man... in place? in place... here are my earrings, here is my chest of drawers..."

Do you understand, right? By by and large A man in a woman’s life often takes a place between the spoons and the chest of drawers. That is, it must be, and must be in place.

Therefore, a 24-year-old girl (already a ready-made woman) is not ready to take and remove an unsuitable man from her life like that. Because in the nest, next to the lovingly folded sheets and pillows, there should be one more indispensable attribute - a man. Here it is like this, no, it doesn’t really suit, but still, it’s calmer when you have all the objects in your interior.

When a woman gets older, but at the same time for a long time living alone, it's still getting worse.
And here: “So here too - I decided (I’ll call a spade a spade) that I needed a family life (before that I lived alone for a long time, worked a lot), and here he is, a potential prince. Well, I lured him... I completely sincerely told him I was charming, I wanted ordinary, normal, warm human relationships." (With)

Yes, the woman decided to build a nest. Here are my spoons...
And she didn’t have anyone for a long time, but nature demands its own: and I’m not even talking about sex, it’s just that the real point is that you have to live.
And then appeared on the horizon attribute man.
And with it came euphoria: finally not alone, finally there is someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk, who creates the appearance of caring.
A man appeared, gave emotion, the woman began to burn. And twist with triple force.

But since it burns alone, the heat produced is so... incomplete.
But how does a woman reason? If it’s not complete, then we’ll tolerate it here, patch it up here, and pretend that this is how it should be.
In general, as my mother once said about a torn skirt: “Walk fast - you can’t see it.”

In short, from the ensuing euphoria of “finally not being alone,” a woman’s criticality in assessing what is happening is greatly reduced, and the value of the closest found partner itself is overestimated.
Moreover, it is often overestimated not even by the partner (although sometimes this happens, especially if the partner has manipulative tendencies), but by the woman herself.
This is a moment that women are often unable to track.

And the woman, for the sake of possessing this artificially created value, begins to endure things that, in other circumstances, she might not have tolerated. For example, if she were a little more in demand and changed men like gloves, she would know exactly how good she feels and what she doesn’t need to endure.

My friend Tanya, who was in a very unsuccessful relationship for almost two years, broke out of it and analyzed a lot.
You know what Audrey Hepburn said:"Living is like running through a museum. And only then do you begin to truly realize what you saw, think about it, consult books and remember - because you cannot accept it all at once."

So it was with her too. When her nightmare relationship ended, Tanya realized a lot.
And so she told me about one episode. When she was with her, dare I say it, ghoul at a concert.
She said, you know, Katya, then we came to the club, stood, listened, and I looked around and realized: only girls. And almost all without men.
And I felt so high, there was even a feeling of superiority inside, or something, there was somethingHere I am with a man... and I won't like all of them, trudge home alone.

At the same time, Tanya is a very smart girl, smart and pragmatic. But here it is.
I managed to fall into a typical psychotrap. Which she partly set up for herself. She realized it later, that it was a trap, yes. A woman feels a little more valuable when there is a man nearby.
This psychotrap has ruined many women's destinies.

My mother always said: “You should never hold on to anyone, there will always be the next one.” And she lived with a drunk all her life. She also fell into this trap.

* * * * *
Well... the woman falls into a trap and then the pure classic begins: “Well, I’ve been on my own for so long, and now I seem to have the semblance of a family, and in general we seem to live normally, and what else do we need?” , let us have problems, but he is nearby...”
And what else do we like to tell ourselves?

As a result, there seems to be happiness, and we persuade ourselves into this supposed happiness... only this artificially created happiness is very bitter and fragile, like a crystal vase. It sits beautifully on the shelf, although you have to take it in your hands very carefully, and, God forbid, don’t pour water into it or put flowers in it - and so it leaks, or even, God forbid, it breaks.

Conducts correspondence? Going on dates? This hurts me. This is not normal...
What if this is normal? What if it just seems abnormal to me? Maybe this is the norm and I'm just stupid? Put my vase back in its place, it stood there so beautifully!

And yes, fear prevents you from adequately assessing your relationship with such a partner.
Moreover, the fear is not even loneliness. It's just hard to leave with a beautiful but useless vase with hope for a nest.
And we convince ourselves that the chances of building a new one are few, but this one is all around positive. He acts like a bestial, yes... But he’s so positive!
“Moreover, if you don’t know about these correspondences, then he’s just the perfect man - he’ll stop by the store, and wash the dishes, and everything is in its place, and no socks under the sofa - he loves order very much.” (c)

And such everyday trifles, which, in fact, are the norm for ordinary person, begin to be identified by a woman as the great dignity of a man.
For the sake of which a woman is ready to endure the rest of the nightmare.

I’m saying that there is no criticality.

* * * * *
Getting out of unsuccessful relationships is often difficult not even because “the person is loved” (I’m actually writing a separate post about “beloved ones” now, it’s a topic for a dissertation).
It’s most often difficult to leave because “you’ll have to start all over again.”
We must abandon this lovingly nurtured nest and fly to build a new one.

Because a person (anyone) is lazy.
We came up with a TV remote control so we don't have to get out of bed. And washing machines, so as not to bother with the laundry.
Few people would go to work if they had money “just like that.” We would lie on the sofa and spit at the ceiling, even languishing with boredom.
So it is here. Leaving one relationship means thinking about new ones.

What are the new ones?
This is a search, this is going somewhere again, looking, communicating, talking, reviewing a bunch of people on the subject of “suitable or not suitable”, and then inevitably building something new. And here, it seems like, even though it’s a shitty little nest, it’s already a well-fed one.
And we turn into the elephants from the joke: “wow, we don’t need it.”

That's why we endure it for so long. We don’t want to destroy the zone of comfort, albeit very shaky. Well, never mind that the vase is leaking and you can’t put flowers in it. But how beautiful it is on the shelf!

“I personally know women who do not react to their men’s sprees.” (c)
Women who do not react to spree are women with a broken psyche and substituted concepts. But they cling too tightly to that same nest of broken vases.

* * * * *
And finally, about “favorites”. Oooh, this is a common theme in failed relationships!
“He’s so dear to me, and we have such an understanding... and if something happens, where else will I find something like that?”
Yes, women often focus on the wrong things. Because it would be correct to clarify here: what is this? The kind that makes you feel bad?

Well, guys, what I understood when I was thirty-three, I understood clearly and unconditionally: potentially a lot of relatives.
There are three billion men on earth. Is this really the last of the possible relatives? One in three billion?
And yes, it seems that this one is so cool (well, except that it hurts next to him), and this won’t happen again. Will! Only without pain.
And with the next one there will be the same mutual understanding and all that. And it will probably be even better. This is natural. We attract people who are similar to us.
This also works for men: don’t tolerate unsatisfactory relationships, there will always be the next one! And it won't be any worse with her.

You just need to get out of your neurosis and look around.
Someone will definitely fill the empty space.

Relationships should be without neurosis!

* * * * *
In general, I already wrote a lot.
But I want to end with a phrase that once really put my brain in place.
I read it during a difficult period of my life. She was very bitter and... cool at the same time.
And I decided and tested it on myself. And it works.

This phrase is: “If you are afraid of losing someone, lose them already and don’t be afraid.”

Lose and don't be afraid. Because tolerating and being afraid is not life.