How to find a common language with your child. How to find a common language with a child

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Question to a psychologist

I have two children, a boy 5.5 years old and a girl 7 years old. My daughter is very smart, helpful, and responsible. I can’t understand why all my comments and requests are so ignored, until I start screaming, this year I don’t recognize myself or them, it’s as if the children have been replaced. Anything you can’t ask for, the answer is “now”, “later”, that’s generally a problem with lessons. We went to a tutor, now we go to school, she is praised everywhere, she doesn’t want to do her homework, she throws tantrums, with reading this is generally a huge problem. I don’t want to swear, give me a belt, but sometimes they will tell you that if you say something like that, you yourself become scared. They fight with each other until they cry. They don’t understand a calm voice at all, you try to talk calmly, calm him down, distract him with something, zero emotions. My son generally speaks with only obscene words, and sometimes he flies out, but not the kind I hear from him. And she explained, and slapped her lips, and deprived her of toys, it was useless. So the boy himself is kind, not greedy, gentle. We have financial restrictions, so I rarely buy toys, and it’s such a shame that in a few days, or even that day, there will be no more toys. What should I do, how can I find something with them? common language, how to be an authority for them? how to punish - deprivation of toys, partying - is this even a method?

Toys - you are not very satisfied with your job, it’s difficult financially, and broken toys are an extra reminder.

Brother and sister live like cats and dogs - is everything going smoothly with you and your husband?

Good luck to you!

Lyuba, hello. Try to live at least a little of the life of your children, feel how they live in the space that you created for them? Restriction is also a method, but unfortunately its results are sometimes very disastrous in establishing contact with children. You need to feel children and sometimes try on their clothes for yourself (how they live in it and what you would want in their place if you were their age). And according to by and large they need to be loved, and not given gifts or manipulated by their behavior with toys and restrictions. You understand that this is not what love is about. Finding a contact where they will hear you is an art. All the best to you, love them and see the fruits.

Let's go in order.

Regarding the fact that children do not understand normal, calm instructions on what to do and how to live. Mine don’t understand either, they think that they themselves know better when they can sleep or do their homework (the eldest is 10, the youngest is almost 4). Me too for a long time I felt guilty when I had to scream, then I relaxed. I realized that these are my needs (to go to bed on time, eat on time and do homework) in relation to them, which arise from my adult awareness and knowledge of what is useful and what is “right”. Children can't(due to age and immaturity of mental processes) are just as conscious about these things, they want to laze around, have fun and hang out instead of doing “useful” things, and this is normal. They will grow up and understand, but for now we have to force them to brush their teeth every day and clean their room with at least some regularity. After reading many smart books on this topic, I realized that parents should be more concerned about other children - who, at the first call, come running with the question “What do I need to do, mommy?” or who clean up their toys themselves or - even worse! - they are never scattered during the game. And people like you and me are the norm. You just need to learn not to wait and not to demand from them what they cannot yet do - to be conscious about their life.

Now about the fact that they are fighting. This is also normal. Siblings (brothers and sisters growing up in the same family) are competitors (for the love, attention and money of their parents), and competitors must compete. And they do it as best they can. The wisest thing here, in my opinion, is to interfere as little as possible in their quarrels. Let them find out for themselves who is right, make peace themselves, learn to live together and share resources. If you start doing it for them, they won't learn it. And if you are a “judge” and appoint the guilty and the victims, you risk causing them a lot of aggression and resentment (both at yourself and at each other), because you cannot know how it really happened there. Your job is to ensure their physical safety during these quarrels, to teach this safety, and the rest is their business. If they wouldn’t be aggressive towards each other in childhood, they would be aggressive later, and then they could actually kill and injure each other. So it’s better to let them fight now.

Regarding my son’s swear words. If you do it yourself, then your children will do it too. Double standards don't work here. Children will be guided not by words (prohibiting swear words), but by the actions of their parents.

And finally, about punishments. There are many points of view here (should we punish, should we not punish and, if we punish, then how). Each parent chooses their own. I personally settled on this strategy. I punish (for failure to fulfill rules and promises) only by depriving someone of something important, but not paramount (TV, computer). Works. I don’t punish for bad grades, broken toys and torn clothes. Although I can grumble.

From all the information that I have presented here and which is my personal view of your situation, I suggest that you take what suits you and what resonates with you when you think about it. Because the choice of how to raise and treat your children is yours alone. All the best, Elena.

Ekaterina Bykova

20.02.2015 | 1896

You can make your relationship with a small child healthy and happy if you turn some of the little things in life into a familiar ritual. Our tips will help you find a common language with your child.

It’s not difficult to do them, but the main thing is not to forget about them every day.

Inspire your baby

In the morning, you and your child part ways: you take him to kindergarten, and you go to work. The baby will miss you all day, but he will be inspired by the words you said in the morning that you will look forward to the evening. To meet him, . All day long the child will be looking forward to the evening. This little thing can strengthen your relationship with your child.

Make up funny stories

On the way to kindergarten, do not be silent, but come up with entertainment for your baby. For example, you can read short poems or even hum songs quietly. Another option is to come up with a story on the spot and tell it to your child. The next day, you can develop the plot, and let the child come up with it.

Laugh at jokes

If your child does something funny, for example, tries to parody the dance of his favorite cartoon character or tells the shortest joke, like “the bun hanged himself,” laugh sincerely with him. Of course, the kid’s jokes are not as sophisticated as those of the KVN players, but he will be pleased that his humor brought a smile to his mother’s face.

Educate through play

Raise your son or daughter while playing. You can find a common language with your child even by playing the fool. Try to ensure that your vacation together most often takes place without moralizing or lectures. However, if a child behaves badly, for example, in kindergarten, you can have explanatory conversations with him in a playful way.

Act out a short scene with your little one’s favorite toys. For example, a teddy bear will be the prototype of your child, and a bunny will be the prototype of the girl he offended in kindergarten. When the bear pushes the bunny, tell the child that the bunny is very upset, just like the girl he pushed in kindergarten today. And the bunny will cry all night now.

Be interested in what is dear to the baby

Some parents believe that their child’s “problems” are nonsense, and some of their interests even more so. For example, for mom and dad, baby plush toys are most often just a pile of dust. And for a child these are true friends.

There is no need to scold the baby for carrying his stuffed friend with him everywhere: to kindergarten, to the clinic, and on vacation. Maybe it’s difficult for him to part with the toy, or maybe he wants to show his beloved Ball the whole world?

Ask your child what his friend likes to “eat” and who he is friends with. You'll see: he will be delighted that you are interested in things dear to his heart.

Listen to the child

Children often take a lot to heart. If your child is worried about something and tells you about it, do not rush to interrupt him to give urgent advice. First, listen to him, let him know that you are imbued with his misfortune, and only then give him some advice. possible solution problems. This way you will achieve the maximum trust relationships with a child.

Speak kind words before bed

Before going to bed, be sure to tell your baby that you love him very much and are incredibly happy that you have him. This needs to be done so that the child once again feels your love and falls asleep with the feeling that everything is good in his world, and his mother loves him very much.

Finding a common language with a child is not so difficult. It's important to put in the effort, and it will pay off in spades.

Any person in his life, including a child, uses a variety of channels of perception, but one of them, as a rule, is the leading one. (see Auditory, visual, kinesthetic test. Diagnostics of the dominant perceptual modality by S. Efremtsev)

Such features of perception appear already in preschool age. It is incomparably easier to find a common language with a child, to better understand him, to help, to explain, knowing his leading channel for perceiving information and the type of knowledge of the baby’s world. By the way, it is not at all necessary that they coincide. The leading type of perception is of great importance when a child communicates with parents and friends, it is not appreciated for mutual understanding, it increases the effectiveness of learning (especially in the lower grades), and promotes the assimilation and memorization of new knowledge.

Visual child trusts visual information most of all. New toy and other unfamiliar objects he will carefully examine from all sides. Children with a visual perception channel love to draw, quickly learn to read, and are more interested in looking at pictures in books than listening to the fairy tale itself. Visual boys resemble little sages, visual girls already in childhood behave like little fashionistas. For a visual child, his clothes and how he looks are important. Visual children are inactive, but their posture is usually upright, with their gaze directed forward and upward. Visual children are laconic; it is quite problematic for them to establish communication. Parents need to make extra efforts to develop their communication skills if their baby is not friends with anyone. The child first observes his future friends visually, and only then joins the common game. If he didn’t like something about other children, he could play alone for a long time. Visual children are future theorists, romantics, aesthetics, in constant search of their ideal.

How to find a common language with a visual child? Use words that are close and understandable for his perception: look, look, peer, see, etc. It will be easier to explain to him what you want if you use words and phrases that describe color, brightness, clarity, shape, size, distance, position. In the student's educational material, highlight the visual with colored pencils important points, draw in the form of a diagram, pictures - this will make it easier for him to remember. He can also remember information, depicting it himself in the form of diagrams and tables. To get a child's attention when he is naughty or disobedient, the most effective thing is to make a certain gesture, for example, threatening with a finger or shaking his head reproachfully.

Auditory child reacts first to sound. He begins to speak very early, easily remembers what he has ever heard, but is slow to learn to read. Auditory children are not indifferent to music and audio fairy tales; they themselves recite poetry with pleasure, they love to talk, and it is important for them to discuss and discuss everything. While studying, they are distracted by noise; complete silence is necessary. An auditory student, doing homework, moves his lips, and for better memorization he will repeat in a whisper. The auditory child is very sociable, but avoids participating in outdoor games. Therefore it physical health And active recreation Parents need to pay special attention. Most often, auditory children are future creatives and excellent speakers.

How to find a common language with an auditory child? Use words that are close and understandable for auditory perception: listen, listen, listen to how it sounds, etc. For him, tempo, speech rhythm, and voice timbre are of great importance. It will be easier for you to convey information if you use a variety of voice variations (loud - quiet, patter - using pauses, intonations). Comments made in a whisper (“sh-sh-sh”, “quiet”) will best attract his attention and have the necessary impact. It is the auditory one who needs to tell in detail, explain what you want, he will listen to you with interest and attention. Crying auditory babies are very well soothed by the voice of their mother or other loved ones.

U child kinesthetics The leading one is the tactile channel of perception: touch, smell, taste. Little kinesthetic children have well-developed motor skills, they begin to walk early, they move a lot - a kind of “mini-electric brooms”. A kinesthetic child gets sick more often than other children if there is a tense atmosphere in the family. A kinesthetic child is picky about food. IN kindergarten The kinesthetic child is the first to take part in active games and is therefore prone to frequent injuries. His other passion is disassembling toys: this is how the future explorer awakens in him. It is difficult for a kinesthetic child to sit in one place for a long time or concentrate his attention on one subject; he is distracted for any reason and for no reason. While doing homework, do not require him to sit continuously at the table; allow the baby to walk around the room, move around, and do a warm-up. For a child, kinesthetics are important tactile sensations, so caress him more often, cuddle him, kiss him. When you tell your baby “well done,” don’t forget to pat him on the head and hug him. A kinesthetic child is very attached to his parents, especially to his mother, does not leave his arms for a long time and often climbs into his parents’ lap.

How to find a common language with a kinesthetic child? Use words that are close and understandable for tactile perception: touch, feel, smell, taste, etc. His attention will be drawn to words and phrases related to texture, weight, temperature. Kinesthetic children are the most emotional, vulnerable and impulsive children, therefore they need a more patient attitude towards themselves. It’s hard to praise a kinesthetic child enough. But once he has beaten off the desire to do what he is drawn to, it is very easy to cultivate passivity in him. Information should be explained to a kinesthetic student without using the particle “not” - he does not perceive it. Instead of “don't make noise,” say “sit quietly.” A kinesthetic child will definitely understand you if you accompany your request or demand by touching his hand, shoulder, or stroking his head.

Find out which perception channel your child has by taking the Auditory, Visual, Kinesthetic Test for Children. Methodology for determining the method of cognition (the leading channel of perception) in preschoolers and primary schoolchildren.

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Find a common language with a child from 8 to 15 years old

The child grows and changes every day. And ours with him life together often comes down to overcoming the difficulties of everyday life. However, statistics show that about 80% of our messages to children are instructions and prohibitions. But they only sometimes justify themselves, and usually as short-term measures of influence. To learn discipline, children need more permission, but only the right permission, given by parents who are protective and have personal authority. The child does not need to be given permission to do whatever he wants, he needs to be himself, move forward, learn independence, the opportunity to express his emotions, thoughts and needs.

Another stone here is the way we were raised: the programmed model of upbringing, no matter how much we want it, can be traced one way or another. And sometimes it’s not so easy for us to admit that our children have rights that we were deprived of as children! However, if we are aware of the feelings that we ourselves experienced in childhood, then we will be able to understand and hear the child. But if we deny our childhood wounds and idealize the upbringing of our parents and themselves, then there is a risk of continuing to reproduce their model of upbringing.

1. Know how to listen

Listening to him means paying attention to him, respecting his feelings. And he must try to solve the problem he is addressing himself (of course, within reasonable limits and if it is within his power; let him learn to be independent). Sometimes a direct question: “What happened?” helps the child begin to speak.

2. Offer choice

In order for a child to feel in control of their life, they need to have choices. Even if you can only choose the time or method of completing your order (for example, you can wash the dishes now or when you return from a walk).

3. Keep it short

By attracting his attention, you will gradually teach him how to relate to his own things and actions. Of course, at first, one reminder will not be enough for him to clean his room or unpack his bag. sports uniform. Especially if he is already accustomed to comments or to the fact that they do it instead of him. Leave the accusatory and irritated tone, do not exaggerate the significance of what happened. Explain yourself calmly.

4. Spend time together

Often, during everyday chores, we take care of the child as if casually, making sure that he does not become completely unruly. But until your children receive the proper amount of attention, do not expect them to meet your demands and fulfill your demands. It is useless to wait for the first step from the child, because if the flower has withered, you will not wait until it blooms again to water it! Try to make the child feel loved, give him attention, and then you will have the opportunity to discuss his behavior, etc. with him in a confidential manner.

5. Express your expectations

We often blame the child, belittle him, emphasizing what is wrong with him. He does not hear the words addressed to him because the first thing he does is defend himself. In addition, the child's brain perceives these words as its own definition. Your task is to direct his energy to solve problems. Express your emotions and expectations, rather than highlighting his mistakes. And together “You don’t follow things at all! You are a punishment, not a child!..”, it would be more correct to say: “I really don’t like it when clothes are scattered. I expect things to be in their place.”

6. Attentiveness to him

Often we limit ourselves to the phrases: “What a beauty”, “Well done!”, as if a child came to us for an assessment. It’s always nice to be praised, but it’s important for children to see their own merits and make sure that your interest in their creation is genuine. By naming details, retelling what you saw, you confirm to him that your interest is genuine. And most importantly, do not exclaim: “How beautiful!” when you see an unsuccessful drawing, otherwise you risk losing the child’s trust.

7. A mistake is a lesson

A bad grade indicates that he did not understand the course material well. Remind both him and yourself that school is for those who study, and not for those who know everything. The child needs help and support so that failure does not hit his self-esteem too painfully. There is no need to shame him, he already feels the punishment. Try to figure out why the mistake occurred, what he didn’t learn, and what he should learn again.

The article is based on the work of the French psychologist - Isabelle Fiyoza