How to stop being convenient for others. “Comfortable” woman: why is it bad - expert opinion

The topic of codependent behavior does not lose popularity. How to choose between your own and other people's needs, especially if you are used to being comfortable and not causing trouble? How can I determine what I have the right to and what I don’t, especially if I’m used to thinking that this is decided by someone else? How to learn to refuse and prohibit? How to maintain personal integrity?

Not everyone is ready to discuss these and similar issues with a psychologist, or simply with another person. Many people prefer to figure things out themselves.

These tips are general and only point in the direction in which to think. Some things may be useful in their “pure form.”

1. Get yourself a special bauble, bracelet or ring(if you are right-handed, then on your left hand, and if you are left-handed, then vice versa).

When they ask you for something strange, offer you something unnecessary, or call you where you shouldn’t, instead of answering, move your bauble or ring and say: “I’ll think about it and answer you tomorrow.” Read below for what you need to do tomorrow.

2. Yes, you can refuse if you don’t like some offer.

You only need to APOLOGIZE if you once promised to agree before, but now refuse. In other cases, there is no need to apologize for refusal. You also DO NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN the refusal..

3. Yes, you can also refuse if you don’t like the offer itself, but the one who makes it.

No, you don't have to explain anything again.

4. To points 2 and 3: promise less.

I know that you are doing this while internally jumping with a pang of guilt. Train yourself to endure these injections without breaking into promises. You don't have to promise anything to anyone if you don't want to.

5. If you are visiting, it is not necessary to help the hostess wash the dishes.

Yes, you can just enjoy it. Oh, you just don't like these guests? You don't have to come here next time, even if you were invited.

6. The face of the concierge from your entrance has nothing to do with you.

She always has that face. If she needs something, she will say it herself. Even if the concierge’s face is somehow connected with you, still let her say it herself. You don't have to think about it.

7. Give up the habit of guessing about the mood of other people by their voice: you will always make mistakes that are not in your favor.

Either ask directly what exactly is wrong or leave them to their mood: if they want, they will tell you.

8. You should not immediately respond to a letter (SMS, WhatsApp message, etc.) unless you have a personal need for it.

If you are not interested in this relationship, you may not respond at all. Yes, you have the right to not be interested in a relationship.

9. You have the right to stop a conversation or other communication that you do not need or no longer like.

Over time, you will learn to do this gracefully, but for now remember: you can simply disappear. If you are afraid to succumb to guilt or persuasion, you can leave without saying goodbye.

Honestly, you might as well not pick up the phone at all.

11. No, it's not your fault that your friend got drunk again.

It wasn't that he was "too happy to see you." He's just an alcoholic. Alcoholics get drunk from time to time, using others as an excuse, reason or excuse. You just happened to be lucky for him. Even if your friend tells you, “It’s your fault that I got drunk again,” it’s still not your fault.

12. Develop your own emotional and bodily sensitivity.

Trust your experience of discomfort. If you are being manipulated, it often feels like a sucking feeling in your chest or stomach, and sometimes it immediately feels like a headache. Stay away from such relationships and situations.

13. Shame and guilt are feelings that only you yourself can sort out in your own life.

If someone tells you what you are to blame for or what you should be ashamed of, leave.

14. If your partner does something you don't like, don't wait for him to figure it out on his own.

He is not you, and he won't guess. Ask him to stop. And you don't have to explain why, but if you want, explain. If your partner does not stop doing with you what you asked him to do, make sure that he understood you correctly. The third time, leave.

15. By the way, you probably didn’t know, but if something threatens you, you need to call the police.

I checked, it works. Moreover, you need to call not when you were hit, but after the FIRST VERBAL threat.

16. Before lending money, take a week to think about it. even if you have this amount.

17. Before agreeing to go on vacation with someone, give yourself two weeks to think about it, even if you are free during this time and you like the offer.

18. Before agreeing to a long work project, give yourself a month to think about it. Take everything into account, especially the manipulative nature of future colleagues and boss.

19. Before accepting an offer life together, give yourself six months to think about it. You shouldn't agree to anything you doubt.

20. This applies to any decision you make.

Trying to be good to everyone is a very bad idea for you personally. For others, you will become a convenient and comfortable person. But at the same time, you will always suffer because of this, receive unnecessary stress, and you should not hope that people will love you more for this or will answer you in kind if the need arises. Rather, your compliance and ability to sacrifice your interests for the sake of others will be exploited until you get tired of it. I went through this my own experience. Personally, I myself allowed other people to sit on my neck and I allowed them to guide me. It must be admitted that when you finally get rid of the habit of agreeing with everything and you have a clear understanding of your interests and when you begin to defend them and no longer strive to be convenient for everyone, then other people not only perceive this as normal (although for some it is don’t like it), many will respect you much more than before.

If you want to please others and expect gratitude in return, then disappointment may occur. You shouldn't expect any special gratitude (in general). Constantly seeking the approval of others is a bad career strategy, which in theory may work, but I don’t think you want to get a reputation as an opportunist, a sycophant, or anything like that. Moreover, people who try to please others are usually not particularly happy by and large. After all, they often sacrifice their interests for the sake of vague benefits.

To get rid of such a psychological slippage and stop being good to everyone, you must first understand that being good to everyone is, in principle, an impossible task. And setting such a goal is a big mistake.

How to get rid of the desire to please everyone?

1. First of all, you need to recognize the problem. People are not always aware of what they are doing. Being good to everyone is in most cases a very flawed strategy that can lead to abuse from other people. Do you need this?
2. Remember and write down several recent cases when you expected the approval of others and acted in such a way as to be good for them, but in reality you wanted to act differently, but stepped on the throat of your own song. Analyze these cases and draw appropriate conclusions.
3. Think about it, if you expressed your position and defended it, how dire the consequences would be. It is quite possible that those around you did not act as they wanted, but will accept your position. But if suddenly, after you start standing your ground, they start to perceive you with hostility, then perhaps you shouldn’t communicate at all with people who don’t take your interests into account?
4. Find out what manipulation is and learn to recognize it. It is quite possible that you succumbed to such a game and became someone's puppet due to a lack of awareness.
5. Often in the current situation, when you are trying to be good, and several people are already successfully riding on your neck, it is usually not the environment or anyone else who is to blame. In this case, you allowed others to use you for selfish purposes. Perhaps it is worth reconsidering some habitual patterns of behavior? Having a strong character and the ability to defend your interests can be liked by other people much more than when you behave like a spineless creature. Helping other people as much as possible is definitely a good thing. But this is good only when you know when to stop.
6. When you do what you want, and not what you are forced to do, then you will do it with more motivation and interest. This is why entrepreneurs are more satisfied with life than employees. Get rid of the desire to please everyone around you. This is simply impossible. Do something for others within reason and when you really want it.
7. Many people don't know. It may be inconvenient to refuse other people or you don’t want to offend a colleague or loved one. Psychologists advise you to overcome your habit and still start refusing people from time to time. And you shouldn’t look for any excuses. You have every right to refuse another person.
8. State your interests clearly and unambiguously. Other people need to hear your opinion on this or that issue, and in their eyes you should be a person with. However, it is not enough to have your own opinion. You need to learn to express it to the people around you. After all, they can't read minds.
9. Try to do something for yourself instead of the usual service to other people. Selfishness is not always a bad thing and from time to time it is useful to do something for yourself and your interests. Listen to your feelings. What would you like to do this weekend?
10. Balance is important in everything. If you suddenly start refusing everything to your own boss, then you will soon be asked to leave your job :) Being spineless is just as bad as being overly aggressive and self-obsessed. It is important to find a balance when you take into account the interests of other people in reasonable quantities and when they also take into account your opinion. You must be and be adequate to the situation. Don't go out of your way to please others, but don't be nihilist or antisocial either.

Signs that you are trying to be nice to others:

• passive-aggressive behavior without visible reasons. You do not openly protest, but you are annoyed that you are not doing what you want;
• you are not in the mood and you often walk around with a dissatisfied face.;
• you are in an excessive hurry for no obvious reason.

Act according to how you feel about the situation. There is no need to apologize for not being “as convenient for everyone” as before. At the same time, think before you do anything. As I wrote above, if you do not follow the instructions of your manager, he will do everything to fire you. Always think with your own head and do not forget about a sense of proportion in everything.

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You may have met people who are afraid of making someone uncomfortable. They always live under the status of a “gray mouse”, trying not to stand out from the crowd. I call such people “convenient.” They will never refuse anything, they will reschedule all their plans, just so as not to disturb the comfort of other people. How to get out of the “comfortable person” state and realize your potential? This is what I propose to talk about in this article.

First you need to realize the following: only you yourself are capable of leading your life. Staying undetected is your own choice. Think about whether you need to sacrifice your life for the sake of the comfort of others?

Mistake: you think that by refusing a request for help, you will ruin your relationships with loved ones. This is partly true. At first they will be offended by you, after which they will start looking for another “convenient person”. But at the same time, they will understand that you have an inner core, you are a strong and independent person, capable of making decisions on your own and being responsible for them. Isn't this what you've been striving for all your life?

Some may call this selfishness, but I believe it is natural selection. Only the strongest survive and succeed, those who are aware of their strength and capabilities, those who choose to fight for their happiness until their last breath.

In fact, every person has a chance to break through barriers and become noticed, like a flower that stubbornly grows through the asphalt. Nobody believes that this will work out, but thanks to sincere desire and hard work internal work a miracle happens.

Change will begin the moment you gain faith and the desire to fight for your happiness, a place in the sun, an opportunity to get noticed - call it what you want, that’s not the point. To stop being a “convenient person” you need to sincerely realize that you deserve better! The main thing is to do this not out of spite and trying to prove something to everyone, but simply to find the line where there is a balance of giving easily and giving through force. During perestroika, learn to refuse adequately, even lie a little, but not put yourself in a humiliated state.

Stop improving the lives of others, because no one can stop time... Every time you say “yes” to people through “I don’t want”, you with my own hands you ruin your destiny by working for someone else. But then, no one will accept the claim. Remaining unnoticed and being a “convenient person” is your own choice. So, think about whether you can believe in your inner potential and take care of your destiny, or will you spend your whole life working for someone else’s dream. The choice is yours...

I wish you to make the right decision!

Marchenkova Veronica

Watch video lessons from psychologist Oksana Tumadin: Am I in charge in my life and boundaries in relationships

Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon. I am 29 years old, but my personal life still hasn’t worked out. There were men, but it all ended with them leaving me. I'll start from the very beginning. At the age of 19 I met a guy. He was my first, and as I thought, he would remain the only man. Feelings overwhelmed me. Emotions were in full swing. And passion and jealousy and love. I have never experienced such strong feelings again. Of course there were quarrels over different situations. We argued violently, but also violently made up. They tried to break up several times, but after a while they returned to each other. We dated for about five years. The young man also loved me, it seemed to me. They could not legitimize the relationship. Then they both studied, then they searched suitable job. Together we made plans for the future. We dreamed of starting a family. Our views on family life coincided (we often discussed how we would live together). And finally the long-awaited day has arrived. He proposed to me. We got married and started living together. Everything was perfect. But only a month. A month later, my husband said that he should not have gotten married, saying that I persuaded him. He is still very young and has everything ahead of him. He said his friends think so. This remained only in conversations and we continued to live together (before that we each lived separately). But my husband changed before our eyes. He stopped giving me flowers (he used to do this every week), began to disappear after work and came home drunk (he could sometimes drink before, but not so often and not in such quantities). He tried not to talk to me again, only about business. Yes, and intimate life came to naught. I thought we satisfied each other. But he began to forbid me everything: communicating with friends, dressing nicely, going to the pool. I had to sit in the cleaned house and wait for him with dinner. I tried to solve everything and ask him what didn’t suit him, but every time it all ended in a scandal. As if this was completely different from the person I loved. I endured this for a year, in the hope that he would come to his senses. Then she couldn’t stand it and filed for divorce. It was very difficult to come to my senses. Then I met a man. He looked after me beautifully and I thawed. I moved to live with him in another city. As soon as I arrived, he immediately became rude to me. But I couldn’t return (I quit my good job at home). I had to wait for the right option. But I didn’t live with him for long, 3 months. He left me alone in a rented apartment. As soon as he was offered a promotion in another city. The day before, I packed my bags and left. Without even worrying that I am left alone in a foreign city. Then I met another man. It was sharply different from the previous ones. He always backed up his words with actions. And I decided that maybe this time everything will work out. But after I got pregnant, he left me. Perhaps I am attracting the wrong men into my life? I hear from them that I am affectionate, kind, gentle and they feel good with me. And this is exactly the phrase I heard from each of them. As soon as I become uncomfortable, they leave me. What am I doing wrong? How to change yourself and your life to meet a sincere and honest man?

Psychologist Olga Nikolaevna Glazunova answers the question.

Irina, hello!

I really want to support you in your desire to meet your man and find female happiness!

What you described was your experience, although not the most pleasant, but an experience! In my answer I will comment important points, in your opinion, and perhaps you will think about it, and some thoughts and realizations will come.

You had three men, and each time they left, and therefore each time you felt abandoned, betrayed and lonely. Let's try to start from the first young man, whom you met at age 19.

You mention strong emotions, passion, violent quarrels and reconciliations. It looks like a story from a novel when feelings overwhelm you, and this already becomes the basis of the relationship. After reading your story about the young man, I got the impression that this relationship was built on emotions, on mutual feeding of each other, interest and passion. You mention that you had the same views on family life, that you often discussed how you would live together, but you never tried it, but only theoretically imagined how it would be. Romantic image life together collapsed after a month. In fact, it turned out that it is not so simple, that there are also responsibilities, and somehow you need to get out of conflicts, there is nowhere to go... Your young man could not stand this situation, apparently, there were a lot of illusions about living together.

The question arises - during the time that you met with him, how did you get out of conflicts together? How were disagreements resolved? How was it for you in this relationship? If you have seen that it is impossible to reach an agreement, that you have constant stressful situations in a relationship that there is no experience of living together, then why immediately go to the registry office? You were afraid of something, something is missing here in this story... Namely, your view of the situation. There were signals before that it would not be easy, and it is not yet clear what is happening, why all this emotional tossing and eternal swing - good and bad. Why can’t it be calm and good without any emotional outbursts? What am I missing? Why do I like this? But for some reason you ignored these thoughts. Think about it.

You write that you tried to resolve differences, ask what didn’t suit you, but it all ended in a scandal. Here it is important for yourself to understand how you sort things out, so that on your part you do not slide into accusations and personalization. This will help in the future to maintain the climate in the family, but at the same time express your opinion, and with respect for yourself and your partner. Think about what you can improve here. Read Nikolai Kozlov’s book “How to Treat Yourself and People.” It can be downloaded on the Internet for free. At the end of the book there is a “Family Agreement” questionnaire that will help clarify many points before starting family life and how to properly sort out relationships is also in this book.

If you still don’t let go of your first relationship, then you need to rethink it, understand what you can take from it that’s best and how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. One gets the feeling that you did not draw the necessary conclusions, since the situation continued to repeat itself.

If we take the second man, then the second sentence about him sounds like “he looked after me beautifully and I thawed out.” You pay attention to how a person cares, you fall in love with the image of a romantic hero who is ready to move mountains for you with words, throw the moon at your feet, etc. You immediately believed him and moved to another city, leaving good job, and did not take care of their comfort and safety. It turns out that you simply throw yourself into a relationship, losing your individuality and completely surrendering yourself into the hands of another person without a trace and without understanding that you also need to take care of yourself. Have you asked yourself questions: How will you live together? Where will you work? What if it doesn’t work out, what will you do? I think not. You can also take note of this.

And about the last man. You write that he confirmed his words with actions. It is not very clear what you mean and how you understand this. Unfortunately, there are no examples to analyze whether this is indeed the case. What responsibility did he initially take in the relationship, how did he show his attitude towards you, what actions did he take, how did you resolve conflict situations? Unfortunately, there is nothing about this.

Was the desire to have a child together mutual? Or is this an unplanned pregnancy? There is no information about this either.

You also write that all your men spoke of you as affectionate, kind, gentle and that they felt good with you. Of course, good! Have you shown other sides of your character? Do you disagree with something? How do you defend your interests and generally overcome yourself in a conflict? Can you afford to be uncomfortable in a relationship when it starts?

Based on your story, I got the impression that you behave well and maintain the image of a good and comfortable girl almost always, smoothing out the rough edges, and completely give your life into the hands of another person, forgetting about yourself, your desires, dreams, and think about the consequences. More precisely, you prefer not to think about it, completely entrusting yourself to your partner. This is similar to the image of the heroine Tatyana in the novel “Onegin” - “From now on I entrust my destiny to you.” Maybe it's time to change something and come to your true self, without fear of losing the relationship and clearly understand what is happening between you? Think about it.

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If you look around your surroundings, you will probably find a person who would be defined as “good”. This is a non-conflict person, responsive, always polite and friendly. And you often want to be the same. Why and what is the cost of this behavior?

CAUSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF "GOOD" BEHAVIOR

1. You will sacrifice your interests for the sake of others.

Politeness and the desire to avoid conflicts can lead to the fact that at some point we begin to sacrifice our interests for the sake of others. This occurs due to the fear of being rejected (by friends at school, colleagues). It's important for us to feel like we're okay and loved because that's what makes us feel safe.

The desire to please everyone around us forces us to maintain our brand always and everywhere, to be good in a taxi, in a store, in the subway. We automatically want to do something to please the driver, and so we tip more than we should. And we do it completely unexpectedly for ourselves. Or we start entertaining the hairdresser with conversations, instead of just relaxing in the chair. Or we don’t reprimand the manicurist who applied the polish unevenly - this is our favorite salon, why spoil a good impression of yourself?

We harm ourselves by doing things we don't like or by remaining silent when our interests are violated.

As a result, our focus shifts from internal to external: instead of directing resources to work on ourselves, we spend all our efforts on external signs. It is more important to us what they think and say about us, and we do everything in order to be appreciated and approved.

We are no longer even interested in our own well-being: we harm ourselves by doing something we don’t like, or remain silent when our interests are violated. We deny ourselves for the sake of others.

Sometimes this is precisely the reason for a sharp change in mood, when a person in the family who is conflict-free and polite in public becomes a real monster. It’s quite easy to be nice to strangers, but at home we take off our masks and lash out at our loved ones - we scream, swear, and punish our children. After all, the family already loves us and “will not go anywhere,” we can not stand on ceremony, relax and finally become ourselves.

Everyone needs to wean themselves from such behavior - a big boss or a small clerk, a child or a parent. Because it is a matter of balancing our lives, what we ourselves give and receive. And if we don’t respond in kind to our loved ones who give us so much, our life can take a turn: the family will fall apart, friends will turn away.

2. You will become dependent on other people's approval.

This model of behavior forms a painful dependence on the approval of others. From morning to night we need to hear compliments, recognition of talent or beauty. This is the only way we feel confident, inspired, and able to do something. It works like an energy dope. We begin to need it to cover the inner emptiness.

The external becomes important, and internal values, feelings and sensations fade into the background

This pattern leads to a categorical perception of everything that happens to us. A striking example is a person who reacts painfully to any comment, even to constructive criticism. In his model, any feedback is perceived in only two ways: “I’m good” or “I’m bad.” As a result, we cease to distinguish where is black and where is white, where is truth and where is flattery. It is becoming increasingly difficult for people to communicate with us - because in everyone who does not admire us, we see an “enemy”, and if someone criticizes us, there is only one reason - he is simply jealous.

3. You will waste your energy in vain.

Your friends quarreled and you want to stay good relations with both? It doesn't happen that way. In the words of the poet, “you cannot be with both of them without betraying both.” If you strive to be good in both places, or always take a neutral position, sooner or later this will lead to a feeling of emptiness. And most likely both friends will feel betrayed, and you will lose both.

There is another problem: you try so hard to be useful to others, do so much for them, that at a certain point you begin to demand the same attitude towards yourself. Internal anxiety and resentment appear, and you begin to blame everyone. This addiction works the same way as any other addiction: it leads to destruction. A man loses himself.

The feeling of wasted effort, time, and energy does not leave you. After all, you have spent so much effort, but there are no dividends. And you are bankrupt, energetically and personally. You feel lonely, irritated, and it seems to you that no one understands you. And at some point they really stop understanding you.

You don't have to do anything special to earn the love of your parents, teachers, or classmates.

Of course, everyone wants to be surrounded by " good people" But for real good man- this is not someone who always follows the lead of others and agrees with other people’s opinions in everything. This is someone who knows how to be honest and frank, who is able to be themselves, who is ready to give, but at the same time defend their interests, beliefs and values, while maintaining their dignity.

Such a person is not afraid to show his dark sides and easily accepts the shortcomings of others. He knows how to adequately perceive people, life, and does not demand anything in return for his attention or help. This self-confidence gives him a feeling of success in work and in personal relationships.

Learn to appreciate yourself for what you are. Very often it is very difficult for women to realize their own worth. They are accustomed to downplaying their merits, do not take into account daily exploits, and many things they do are taken for granted.

If this applies to you, then look for support outside, learn to listen to praise and compliments, and don’t brush them aside. Communicate more with your husband, wife, children, parents, with everyone who truly appreciates you and constantly talks about it.

In addition, you can keep a diary, let all your achievements for the day be recorded in it. The main thing is not to miss a single day, notice everything that you have done well, what you are happy with, what you can be proud of.

Put yourself first in your own life

Learn to see your needs and not neglect them. Women's self-confidence is usually inferior to men's; in boys it is cultivated from childhood, but in girls, on the contrary, it is carefully leveled out. Gradually return to yourself, learn to accept and love yourself, listen, fulfill your desires and dreams.

Change your priorities. You no longer want to please everyone, but want to please yourself. And look for the paths in life that will lead you to your goal.

Develop self-esteem

It should be your starting point in any relationship.

Learn to say "No"

This is perhaps the most important and effective way to stop being convenient for everyone, but to start living in comfort with yourself. At first, it is very difficult to refuse, so try to at least start. Imagine saying no. What will you see in response? What scares you about this reaction?

Think about how they will persuade you, promise yourself that this time you will not give up, and defend your point of view. Try to always take a time out before agreeing to any request. If you are not satisfied with her for any reason, refuse, no matter what. Be firm in your decision, value your time and your desires.

Learn to delegate

Stop being nervous about anything and allow yourself to rest when everyone around you is working - that’s your goal. By learning to assign tasks, both at work and in life, you will free up more time for yourself to spend on yourself.

AND MORE

1. First of all, you need to recognize the problem. People are not always aware of what they are doing. Being good to everyone is in most cases a very flawed strategy that can lead to abuse by those around you. Do you need this?
2. Remember and write down several recent cases when you expected the approval of others and acted in such a way as to be good for them, but in reality you wanted to act differently, but stepped on the throat of your own song. Analyze these cases and draw appropriate conclusions.
3. Think about it, if you expressed your position and defended it, how dire the consequences would be. It is quite possible that those around you did not act as they wanted, but will accept your position. But if suddenly, after you start standing your ground, they start to perceive you with hostility, then perhaps you shouldn’t communicate at all with people who don’t take your interests into account?
4. Familiarize yourself with what manipulation is and learn to recognize manipulation. It is quite possible that you succumbed to such a game and became someone's puppet due to a lack of awareness.
5. Often in the current situation, when you are trying to be good, and several people are already successfully riding on your neck, it is usually not the environment or anyone else who is to blame. In this case, you allowed others to use you for selfish purposes. Perhaps it is worth reconsidering some habitual patterns of behavior? Having a strong character and the ability to defend your interests can be liked by other people much more than when you behave like a spineless creature. Helping other people as much as possible is definitely a good thing. But this is good only when you know when to stop.
6. When you do what you want, and not what you are forced to do, then you will do it with more motivation and interest. This is why entrepreneurs are more satisfied with life than employees. Get rid of the desire to please everyone around you. This is simply impossible. Do something for others within reason and when you really want it.
7. Many people don't know how to say no. It can be inconvenient to refuse other people or you don’t want to offend a colleague or loved one. Psychologists advise you to overcome your habit and still start refusing people from time to time. And you shouldn’t look for any excuses. You have every right to refuse another person.
8. State your interests clearly and unambiguously. Other people need to hear your opinion on this or that issue, and in their eyes you should be a person with your own opinion. However, it is not enough to have your own opinion. You need to learn to express it to the people around you. After all, they can't read minds.
9. Try to do something for yourself instead of the usual service to other people. Selfishness is not always a bad thing and from time to time it is useful to do something personally for yourself and your interests. Listen to your feelings. What would you like to do this weekend?
10. Balance is important in everything. If you suddenly start refusing everything to your own boss, you will soon be asked to leave your job. Being spineless is just as bad as being overly aggressive and self-centered. It is important to find a balance when you take into account the interests of other people in reasonable quantities and when they also take into account your opinion. You must be confident in yourself and be adequate to the situation. Don't go out of your way to please others, but don't be nihilist or antisocial either.