How to quarrel correctly so as not to destroy the relationship. How to get out of a quarrel with a man in order to save the relationship? The benefits of quarrels

All people quarrel. When women quarrel, there is nothing special about it. We are the same, we speak the same language and subconsciously understand each other. And if we don’t understand right away, then we eventually come to mutual understanding. Because they are the same.

But in quarrels with men, everything is much more complicated. As you know, men not only speak a different language, but they also decipher ours completely wrong. That is why it is very important to learn how to argue correctly.

But first, it’s worth understanding what the causes of conflicts are. Because knowing “where the legs come from”, you will be able, if not to avoid quarrels, but to reduce their number to a minimum.

Causes of conflicts

Mutual misunderstanding, due to the difference in perception of the surrounding world. Women perceive everything that happens with the help of their feelings, and men with the help of their mind. Sometimes a man's worldview is called physical.

Excessive requirements partners to each other or the discrepancy between reality and expectations. This is due to the fact that everyone has their own ideas about relationships, life together, mutual assistance and other things in which both partners participate.

The presence of significant personal flaws from a partner, disrespect from a partner, insults, actions and words that offend feelings self-esteem.

Lack of romance or a boring, monotonous life, lack of interesting leisure time together. The lack of strong emotions is often the cause of conflicts.

Incompatibility of interests. You want to watch melodrama, but he wants to watch football. Everyone probably knows how the quarrel develops further.

When the conflict is at its height

Don't forget that a quarrel is a natural process. But, despite this, you should not go beyond certain limits. The word is not a sparrow, so sometimes you have to pay for a long time for some words. To come out of a conflict as friends, but at the same time with self-esteem, you need to know how to quarrel with a man correctly:

Rule #1

Under no circumstances should you humiliate or offend your partner. He is your loved one, you know him weak points. It is worth remembering that he did not trust you so that you would then hit the same places.

Rule #2

Never compare your partner with other men or criticize his parents. These are some of the most painful points for absolutely any man.

Rule #3

There's no point in trying to win. To get out of a quarrel good relations, it is necessary to ensure that no one is left humiliated or a loser. Your victory is his defeat. Therefore, there is no need to discuss who is to blame. You should immediately look for what caused the misunderstanding and how to resolve it.

Rule #4

It is foolish to hope that the conflict will resolve on its own. Therefore, you should not demonstratively leave the house, lock yourself in a room, or do any other actions to “leave”. If you feel like you need to take a breath, peacefully offer it to your man. In any case, a little break will be beneficial. But “leaving” can lead to a disagreement that will last several days, or even weeks.

Rule #5

Learn to admit your mistakes. If you feel that you are wrong, you do not need to defend any of your rights to the last. Find strength in yourself and admit your mistakes. The man will be immensely grateful to you for such an outcome of the quarrel.

Exists a few secrets, how to calm down your ardor and come out of the conflict as friends. For example, in old Russian intelligent families there was an interesting custom. As soon as the spouses began to quarrel, they switched from a friendly “you” to a coldly official “you”. This treatment cooled the ardor a little and made it possible not to resort to base insults.

Another secret to managing a quarrel is even simpler, and also fun. During a quarrel, as soon as you feel it’s time to make peace, go to the bathroom. Go to the tap and take some water into your mouth. Look at yourself in the mirror, carefully and calmly, and... start making a face! Gradually, the ardor will subside and it will be much easier to make reconciliation. You can even go out to your partner with water in your mouth, then you definitely won’t be able to say any more nasty things to him and maybe you’ll even make him laugh.

Unfortunately, modern life does not exclude scandals. Communication with others often forces you to be able to stand up for yourself. Surely, everyone in their life has thought about how not to cross the line beyond which a person ceases to be a social being and turns into an evil monster. Therefore, the problem of how to swear correctly is very relevant.

First of all, you need to learn to control yourself. Keep in mind that any violent scandal may sooner or later lead to a point after which it will be difficult for you to manage your actions. Therefore, you need to learn to control yourself and interrupt the scandal in time. Any situation will be resolved most effectively only when passions subside and negative emotions will become less obvious.

Learn not to harbor resentment. Accumulating as a heavy burden, they will sooner or later result in a huge scandal. A much greater effect can be achieved by discussing the problem immediately after it arises in a calm environment.

Always try to choose the right time and place to sort things out. This is of particular importance because otherwise, the desired result will not be obtained. For example, a husband who is late for work will not hear your requests for help, no matter how convincing they may be.

The right words

It is equally important to use the right words and phrases. Try to choose individual words and sentences carefully. Your goal in any disagreement should be the ability to ensure that further events occur in the direction you want. Therefore, it is worth thinking about the fact that insulting a person will lead to the opposite result, because an offended person will most likely do everything against you.

Your speech should be calm. Do not persistently prove that you are right and avoid using phrases that provoke a scandal in conversations. For example, very often phrases such as “there’s no point in talking to you,” “what an egoist you are,” or “you’re not good for anything” lead to a scandal. Try not to move away from the main topic of the conversation; you should not remember past grievances. Otherwise, everything will be intertwined and, as a result, the conversation will not lead to anything good.

Never mention third parties during an argument. Relatives and friends should not become the subject of a showdown. This is due to the fact that you will make peace, and the involved relatives will still for a long time They won’t be able to forgive you for this.

Dedicated to loving and married couples.

Can a person not swear? - Maybe, why not? But he may not argue with himself. Try to imagine a person arguing with himself. Strange picture, isn't it? And funny :)

To have a fight, you need at least one more person! As a rule, and often happens, this person turns out to be someone from a close circle: husband, wife, mother, sister, etc.

Thus, when a second person appears, misunderstandings and clarification of relationships are a normal thing.

Some might object by citing examples of people who don’t swear “at all,” but they are most likely just taciturn or the exception to the rule. And who knows what is going on inside them? Sooner or later, these “quiet” or “exceptional” people take over and show themselves if “someone” goes too far in something important to them.

In general, there is not much good in the fact that we swear and get into arguments, but this is a process that is present in everyone’s life and sometimes there is no escape from it.

The question of disputes and abuse is this: is it true that truth is born in dispute? Yes, if the truth is born, but what if a dispute gives birth to a series of other disputes and proceedings? And how can you make a dispute productive if it cannot be prevented?

Let’s define right away that by a dispute between two people we mean: a difference of points of view on one issue, the absence of a single general picture of the vision of the situation, where everyone wants to show the correctness of their side. The greater the differences between arguing people, the stronger their emotional reactions, which develop into swearing. Thus, if we define a dispute as a difference of points of view, then in order to reconcile the parties it is necessary to find something in common that both disputants agree on.

However, disputes and curses can not only be a consequence of different views, but also result from bad mood one of the partners, character traits, etc.

Let's try to derive some conditions for “how to swear correctly”:

1) Finding a way not to swear is the best joint decision! If you can avoid swearing, don't swear, spend this time productively!

2) When you are in a normal, ordinary mood, think about what you are usually offended by, because of which disagreements can arise more often (as if anticipate events with thoughtful steps that will allow you to get away from conflicts in time), in the same way, it is advisable that you understood your partner's side. Set the rules of communication in your family in advance, not at the moment when the argument has already begun.

3) Find a separate place to sort things out, don’t do it in the bedroom or a place that is pleasant for you, otherwise you will create a bad attachment, called an “anchor” in psychology, to the place (then, when you are in a good position in this place, unpleasant memories may emerge).

4) If it happens that you decide to debrief your partner, do it in private, why do it so that children, neighbors or someone else listens and hears you? Unless you deliberately create the image of an “Italian temperamental family.”

5) If you feel that you are starting to lose control - your emotions are getting out of control (it does not matter whether you are the initiator of communication or your partner) - go to another room for a couple of minutes, then return, having cooled down a little. You will never come to a healthy decision in an emotional outburst.

6) If the initiator of an unpleasant conversation is your partner (due to his bad mood, disagreement with you or character traits), speak openly, for example: now I’m not ready/ready for discussion, let’s reschedule the conversation, we’ll talk in two hours (during this time the person may cool down and/or forget about the subject of the conversation). Talk about your feelings if you hear something you don't like. Use the appeal, as for example, wrote A.S. Furry to his wife: “What a fool you are, my angel.” Those. If you can’t restrain your expressions, soften them: “What an inattentive, selfish person you are, Vanechka”! Use different voice intonations and facial expressions.

7) Communicate productively, clarify what you don’t understand. Don’t speculate for your partner: what he meant, might have thought, etc. Speak in short sentences and specifically, avoid ambiguity in answers and unclearly formulated desires; when emotions flow over the edge, it is not enough to hear you, especially vague arguments. Ask by asking the question: “what do you want”?

An instructive parable:

A knight walked through the desert. His journey was long. Along the way he lost his horse, helmet and armor. Only the sword remained. The knight was hungry and thirsty. Suddenly in the distance he saw a lake. He gathered all his remaining strength and went to the water. But right next to the shore sat a three-headed dragon. The knight pulled out his sword and with his last strength began to fight the monster. He fought for days and days. He cut off two dragon heads. On the third day the dragon fell exhausted. A powerless knight fell nearby, no longer able to stand on his feet or hold his sword. And then, with the last of his strength, the dragon asked:

Knight, what did you want?

Drink some water.

Well, I would drink it anyway...

8) “Love is the head of everything.” If people swear and quarrel, communication will be less painful if there is love. The presence of love does not free you from misunderstandings or any difficulties. We are all not perfect, but with respect and love for to a loved one, the desire to understand him, being interested in his opinion, you can find joint right decisions. And then: “The truth is born in a dispute.”

9) If there is a third person in the dispute, then the third is always superfluous, leave such a dispute, you risk becoming a victim, a savior or a persecutor, where an “endless”, meaningless interpersonal game is launched through conflicting roles.

P.S. Communicate correctly and love each other!

9 useful tips how to swear correctly.

4.2 Rating 4.20 (5 Votes)

The technique I’m going to talk about was invented by the founder of productive communication and communication programs, psychologist Haim Ginott. Fifty years ago, this American scientist discovered a simple formula for constructive complaint:

• X - reason;
• Y - emotions;
• Z is the solution.

Let's imagine the situation.

The wife had a fight with her parents, and her husband did not support her in difficult times and went to meet friends.

The phrase that the man might hear upon his return would probably be: “You are a selfish and arrogant bastard who only cares about yourself!”

The woman will be right in her own way, but this approach will not lead to a solution to the problem. And here’s what the solution would look like from XYZ’s perspective:

When I had problems with my parents, you didn't stay with me to support me (X). At this moment I felt lonely and abandoned (Y). I would like you to immediately support me next time (Z).

The scheme looks easy to use. But in order to get used to using it, you need to understand what exactly you did wrong before and what you should work on now. To do this, we will analyze each element separately.

X- reason

Very often we throw accusations without even explaining what exactly is the reason for our anger. Many people are familiar with the comical female phrase “think for yourself why I was offended.” Moreover, oddly enough, no matter how many stories I have heard about misunderstandings in relationships, women were the first to want to figure out what the root of the problem was.

Nevertheless, most people who do express the reason for their dissatisfaction often stop and believe that one statement of fact is enough to solve the problem: “I said that I am not satisfied, and she will sort it out on her own.”

This is where the second point should come into play.

Y- emotions

In mine, I briefly mentioned the paradox of vulnerability. We need support, but we are afraid to talk about our feelings because we don’t want to be vulnerable. The point is that these two concepts are inseparable from each other.

To get support and understanding from another person, you need to be absolutely sincere with him, even if at first you feel out of place. If this person is truly dear to you, you can say what feelings you are experiencing, and have no doubt that he will treat them with the utmost attention, because he is well aware of what this step cost you.

Just when we say What exactly because of what happened, you felt that all the negativity will disappear, because it will show how much you trust this person.

In a letter to his son, actor Yevgeny Leonov wrote: “Is there a person in your life in front of whom you are not afraid to be small, stupid, unarmed, in all the nakedness of your revelation? This person is your protection!” Be prepared to be open about your feelings if you are truly committed to solving the problem. There can be no other way out.

After experiencing emotions, the heat of battle always subsides, but the problem may return again, and therefore you need to consolidate your success in a simple way.

Z- solution

To prevent the situation from happening again, propose a solution that - and this is the most important thing - will satisfy both of you. It's quite easy to say what you want, and much harder to compromise. Therefore, you need to prepare in advance for the fact that something will have to be sacrificed in order for the problem to be resolved completely.

We are all different, each with our own history and the baggage of the past behind us. Even people who have lived together for a very long time cannot always take the place of another person, let alone those whose relationships are just beginning.

But it is very important to try. Find a solution together and immediately agree that you will both be ready to make concessions. It’s not in vain that you two did such a job, right?

Finally

This simple approach to quarrels takes a lot of practice, but if brought to automaticity, it will help improve any relationship. The most important thing is to understand that you cannot get rid of problems, but you can learn to benefit from them.

A wise man once said:

Storms can be useful for a person: they will shake your soul a little, but they will also take away all the dirt.

Don't be afraid of storms, clarity always comes after them.