Litvak psychology of family life read online. Mikhail Litvak: “Our women have three sexual disorders

I wrote my first book, Psychological Aikido, which immediately became a bestseller. I was so happy that I immediately wrote the next one - “The Psychology of Management”, and then three dozen more books appeared one after another. Today it's time to write a book about the highest form psychological relationships– about relations between the sexes. This form is considered the highest, because the union of a Woman and a Man leads to the birth of children. And children must be born, and smart and healthy.

The whole world is structured this way. First, the leaf sprouts, then, when the stem becomes strong, a flower appears, and then the fruit. We humans are also structured according to the principles of nature: first we need a trunk, leaves, branches to appear, and then we can bloom and bear fruit.

But why are we born? In order to become the very first! This is our responsibility and our duty. All living beings on Earth are striving for primacy. And that's right. And we are capable of this. Remember when you were sperm, you had 15 million competitors, and you had to be first. And you became them! Then something happened in the first years of your life. Something knocked you off the right way, but the duty to be first remained. And when they tell me: “I am the most unhappy person in the world,” I pay attention to the word MOST. And I must help you get ahead - to happiness, success, health, because I know approximately how this is done. The first rule in these natural competitions is to develop your mind. The second rule: you must know that the main person in this life is yourself. Therefore, you must constantly think only about yourself and your development. The higher your development, the better partner you will find, with whom you will give birth to the best, the smartest and the most healthy child. After all, the first always seek and find the first. This is the law of life.

But why does every person need a partner? If only we could all live alone and not know grief! But no - we are all in search of our soul mate with whom it would be comfortable to live together. The fact is that our lives are structured in such a way that we humans cannot survive alone. After all, we are weak animals with simple needs: three instincts - food, defensive, sexual, and a sense of self-importance. Basically, everything is fine with our food and defensive instincts: we have food, an apartment, clothes. Yes, and there is some kind of position. All this does not require much effort and money. But sometimes we spend our entire lives satisfying the sexual instinct. Because this instinct is associated with several types of psychological hunger.

So, each of us is hungry for communication in the same way that our body is in need of proteins, fats, and carbohydrates, which it receives from various foods. If there is not enough of one ingredient, the body will feel unwell. We expect the same from communication: we want to come into contact with different people, then our “hunger” will be satisfied.

In fact, it is possible to live alone, but for this you need to have very good preparation.

We have been doing psychological training for astronauts, and I know that loneliness is the worst thing for them. They were locked in a closed room for a week and their mental state. It happened that many astronaut candidates had a breakdown, they developed psychosis, they began to hear voices and talk to these voices. A person can live without food for almost two months. And without communication, like without water, it’s only a few days.

We are herd animals, social creatures. If there are no people nearby, we begin to feel sad, and some may even die from sadness.

We are herd animals, social creatures. If there are no people nearby, we begin to feel sad, and some may even die from sadness. I live in a 14-story building where a lot of pensioners live, many of whom are widows. They have a pension, an apartment - what else do they need? Communication! And they go out into the street and sit on benches all day long, sharpening their swords. Those who find it difficult to move sit on the balcony, watching people scurry about below. This is how they stimulate their “hunger” so that there are irritants.

And which of the provincials found himself alone in big city, for example, in Moscow, he knows the feeling of being lost - among the crowd you somehow feel uneasy. You can also feel lonely among a bunch of people. Therefore, to feel comfortable, you need someone’s close participation, someone’s at least a moment’s interest in you. Once, while on a business trip in Moscow, I accidentally met a professor I knew in a crowded metro. How glad I was for him! A familiar face in a faceless crowd! Although before that we had only a casual acquaintance, I rushed to him as if I were my own. We hugged, talked, found out who was doing what in the capital, and even to celebrate, we planned joint scientific work.

The second type of psychological hunger is hunger for recognition. This is when a person gets into new company, for example at a resort or during a refresher course. And he immediately wants to meet someone, so that tomorrow he can recognize this person, so that he can feel that he is not alone! But if a person slowly comes into contact, takes a long time to warm up, then he will remain alone. In a holiday home, for example, after three days everyone already knows each other. And whoever has not made friends with anyone during this time remains alone. Therefore, you need to be able to quickly get acquainted, then you will satisfy your hunger for recognition.

And each of us also wants to satisfy our hunger for events. So you came to your birthday, you were given the opportunity to make the first toast. What is the first toast you will tell? Of course, for the birthday boy. Although, maybe you can't stand him. But what to do? Once you get to the holiday, you must follow all the prescribed rules. Besides, nothing is decided on these holidays. For example, if your boss wishes you success in labor activity, this does not mean that the next day he will increase his salary and position. Congratulations and toasts are simple rituals. It’s another matter when an event occurs at the holiday that goes beyond the scope of ritual actions. For example, if people got into a fight, there will be something to talk about tomorrow. Or often events related to sexual life occur there. For example, a modest, shy employee has a chance to approach a girl he has liked for a long time and confess his feelings to her. Or the hidden alcoholic will finally show himself in all his glory - and get drunk, and pester the boss, and beat up the guard... Such a holiday is remembered for a long time, because people satisfy their hunger for events.

Another type of psychological hunger is recognition hunger. This is when a person finds himself in a new company, for example, at a resort... And he immediately wants to meet someone, so that tomorrow he can recognize this person, in order to feel that he is not alone.

Other types of psychological hunger are hunger for achievement and recognition.

Have you learned music and now play complex pieces? This is your achievement. Do you lift weights? Previously I squeezed 40 kg, but today it’s 80 kg? Yes, this is an achievement. But don’t sit still – go to the competition. Now you need to satisfy your hunger for recognition. And there you will go - first category, second, master of sports... Everyone recognized you.

But it often happens that achievements do not lead to recognition. For example, you have been working at a factory for a hundred years, but you are sitting in the same position and on the same salary - which means you are not recognized. Or do you want to produce new aircraft? But their production cycle is quite long: you need to take out a loan, build a factory, create a design bureau, and come up with a new aircraft. But you finally came up with it, and the next bureau invented a better plane a day before you. And you didn't receive recognition. Even such nonsense as defending a dissertation may also not lead to recognition. You prepared for several years, went out to defend yourself and did not defend yourself. Although your scientific work may have been good, people did not recognize it.

You see, everything revolves around people: you want to talk to them, and get to know them, and make friends, and fight... But the main thing is that you want to find a person who would want to create a family union with you. He singled you out from the crowd, appreciated you, recognized you and gave you his hand and heart. For life!

By the way, one husband and one wife is enough for a happy and peaceful life. If there are two or three partners, you will get into bad things. You are lucky in love one time out of ten. But naturally, if family life is not successful, you need to get a divorce and make a new attempt. This is what Frankl wrote in the last century. Science is moving forward. Now by the third time you can make the final choice.

When can a man start a family? When he can feed himself, his wife and children. When does a woman have the right to start a family? When he can feed himself, his children and his husband if something happens to him. When you are well-fed, clothed, and wearing shoes, then you need to make love and give birth to children. It's better to start a family at 25. And if you fail, then immediately start searching. Otherwise, you will look at other people's families and envy them.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER.

ABOUT DIFFERENT LOVE

A little about love. I like Fromm’s definition: “Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love.” It follows from this that there are no tragedies in love. There are sorrows in love. In our country, love is necessarily associated with sex, and sex is one of the types of love, erotic, the most highest level love for which you need to prepare yourself.

We all need love, but we don't get enough of it. When a baby is born, he needs mother's love. She can be infantile and mature. The motto of infantile love is “Do what you want, I love you anyway!” But in our country, they are often brought up in such a way that the child gets the impression: in order to be loved, you need to do something for this, not be yourself. And in the end, if he didn’t receive parental love, his life will not work out.

Then comes the time of fatherly love. The motto of fatherly infantile love is “Do as I do.” It teaches self-care skills: they are extremely important. And then comes mature fatherly love, the motto of which is “Do what you want.”

When a person received all types of love in childhood, everything will be fine with erotic love. And in erotic love the same rule applies - active interest in the life and development of the object of love. It would be better if it came to erotic love, the partners would be well trained and educated: this will help them develop each other. Unfortunately, instead of love there is often latent prostitution, that is, the desire to get married so that a man can feed and clothe him. I was once invited to a beauty school where girls aged 12–16 studied. They were taught there how to wag their butts and how to set the table. I asked them: what is the purpose of your life? They tell me: find a rich man. I answered them: “Or maybe you should become rich yourself?” After all, in essence, women and men differ from each other in sheer nonsense: a woman has two X chromosomes (XX), and a man has one X chromosome and one Y chromosome (XY). The only difference is in this pair of chromosomes. I recently came up with an aphorism for women: “Learn to earn good money - and you will sleep with whomever you want.” If you don’t learn, you’ll sleep with whoever you have to.” We all must and must grow to our limit and become a Human being - rich, successful, healthy, happy.

Return of matriarchy

Who is in charge today - a man or a woman? Let's turn to history. The first human society had matriarchy. And animals still have matriarchy. Bees, after mating with drones, drive them out of the hive. The female karakurt spider eats the male after fertilization as unnecessary. In nature, everything is arranged rationally. And patriarchy now reigns in human society. Why? Because in the process of development of homo sapiens, meat began to serve as the main source of nutrition. And our distant male ancestors were better hunters than women. And when meat was not yet part of the human diet, women better than men They collected herbs and roots for food. And since they were breadwinners, they dominated at that time.

But everything changes and everything returns to normal. There is a law of philosophy: all development occurs in an upward spiral. Therefore, willy-nilly, even when patriarchy blooms magnificently, one can count on the fact that matriarchy will return. And I already see the sprouts of its origin today. After all, now it is not physical strength that provides us with food, but the head, the mind. Today, those who are smarter eat better, and, accordingly, those who earn more. And according to numerous studies, women are 5% smarter than men. If a woman does more stupid things, it is only because of her emotionality. Therefore, they need to train their psyche.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER.

ABOUT USELESS EMOTIONALITY

Some people boast: “I am an emotional person.” There's no point in boasting: it means you're a fool. Emotionality is a flaw. When do we have emotions? When we don't think well. Remember, this happened to you: you got off at the wrong stop on the subway, you were confused - where did you end up? Then they figured it out, understood what to do, and calmed down. That is, you began to think only when you mastered your feelings.

In general, your mind, my dear reader, is all right, you just need to know how to use it. And, unfortunately, we use them the least. Moreover, we subject it to various prejudices. Just as in sports you need to train your body, so to develop your intellect you need to improve and train your brain.

A person either develops or degenerates. If he degrades, if he does not specifically engage in personal growth, then it will only get worse for him. At first, the forces of development push us up, and the forces of degradation pull us down. At first a person walks in a circle, and after some time the process of degradation gains power - and the person stops developing. During this period, as a rule, he complains about everything. By the way, listen carefully to what the person is complaining about. With his claims, he characterizes himself. You can even judge a person by the level of his complaints. For example, one complains that he does not have a car and has nothing to buy it with. And another complains that he cannot buy a garage. Who has a higher level of complaints? Who is more developed? Who doesn't have a garage? If you buy a garage, you will need something again. So, thanks to complaints and failures, we can move up. The laws of development themselves will pull you upward. And people themselves often wonder how it all worked out so well for them? It should have been worse, but it got better – and a new level of complaints appears.

I had an assistant, Lika. She came to me with a 4-month-old baby in her arms. At that time she was divorcing her husband and considered herself the most unhappy person. She came to me because someone advised her to contact me. She told me about her misfortunes. I looked at her and was surprised: a beautiful young woman, and even a child, which I consider a great achievement. And she complained then that if she left her husband, she would not be able to feed her family, she needed to learn something. She thought that her story would make me cry, but I laughed. He probably did the right thing: it hurt her, she pulled herself together and soon solved all her problems herself. In general, at that time Leakey had one level of complaints, and now he has another. She recently called me and cried about something else. She had to talk with an oligarch who was going to open a restaurant, and she had to select personnel for him. Because of this, Lika was very worried. I answered her: “What are you worried about? It’s not you who need him, but he who needs you, let him worry about making you like him.” Complaining, of course, helps you grow, but it clogs your soul. Therefore, you need to cleanse, cleanse and cleanse your soul all the time!

Family is the most difficult enterprise

I used to treat patients with neuroses. Thus, a person with neurosis understands that he is sick, but he does not rage and therefore can be among healthy people. Compared to psychotic patients who hear voices and see monsters, neurotics are harmless. But when does neurosis begin in a person? In early childhood and usually develops after psychotrauma. Where can we get psychological trauma? At work and in the family. Which relationships are more difficult? Family. By the way, if everything is fine in a person’s family, then he can immediately be promoted to a leadership position. And if there are difficulties in the family, then not everything will be all right at work.

In general, family is the most complex enterprise, which can only be. In the family economic activity There is? Eat. Is there a production facility? Eat. Is there a pedagogical one? Eat. All types of activities are available. Plus, the family provides specific products - children. Plus, there is still sexual relations between husband and wife.

Both school and production are all preparation for what? Besides family life. One scientist, Berne, even argued that education is the teaching of sexual ethics.

Both school and production are preparing for what? To the same family life. One scientist, Berne, even argued that education is the teaching of sexual ethics. After all, the goal of education is to turn a boy into a man, and from a girl into a woman. And what is all this for? To create a family. The family lays both a person’s future and the foundation of health. If things don't go well between spouses, their child will grow up to be neurotic. But even at work we get on our nerves. Where are we going with frayed nerves? To my family.

For example, you had a fight with your boss. Who will win the argument? The boss, of course. And when a subordinate is defeated, he feels bad. Dejected, he leaves the boss’s office and thinks: “Eh, I should have said that, then I would have said that, he said that, and I said that...”. Obsessive thoughts are one of the symptoms of neurosis. The subordinate goes outside. What should you react to? On the street itself, on the cars, on the passers-by. And he still “lives” with the boss in his head. I came home. There is a wife and children, to whom he also does not react in any way: he is still talking to his boss in his head. And at night he “goes to bed” with his boss. Family troubles begin with the children and the wife. In the morning he wakes up lethargic, in a depressed mood, with a heavy head. Has this happened to you? Surely it was. This is not yet a disease, but a manifestation of symptoms, that is, neuroticism first develops. I helped such patients: I prescribed autogenic training, conducted hypnosis sessions, and prescribed medications. It helped a lot of people. But happiness, as a rule, did not last long. People were discharged and returned to their normal environment. There they again quarreled either with their boss or with their wife - and again they ended up with us doctors. As a rule, neurotics blame everyone around them for their troubles. But you have to blame yourself, because when you had a fight with someone, it was you who provoked the behavior of your offender, but you don’t notice it.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER.

ABOUT THE BEST SOLUTIONS TO CONFLICTS

We began to teach how to behave in conflict. What principle was proposed? Depreciation: no need to argue with anyone. If a person calls me a fool, then I am a fool. And usually people begin to be indignant and attack: “You yourself are a fool!” A collision occurs. And you have to agree: “Yes, I really am a fool.” This is the first and most important principle of depreciation.

True, there are also methods of attack: “Yes, you are smart, life is unfair, and I, a fool, communicate with a smart person.” But usually this is not required: if you agreed with the offender, he is already at a loss. I called this technique Aikido because there are no offensive techniques in this sport. There is only defense, struggle: a person attacks, and I simply move away from the blow. For example, I’m standing on the edge of an abyss, the attacker rushes at me with all his might, I retreat just half a step, and he flies past - straight into the abyss. And I had nothing to do with it - he fell himself.

When my patients learned the principle of “psychological aikido,” things got better for them, and their illnesses went away. Although, as I noticed, neurotics are especially smart people. They think for a very long time, but quickly grow as individuals when they get rid of neuroticism. I've known bosses who led poorly because they were neurotic.

But when they trained in “psychological aikido,” they became excellent directors. Some even went into politics.

By the way, often alcoholic husbands provoke their wives into antisocial behavior. One woman came to my seminar, her name was Lisa. She lived with an alcoholic for seven years. He wanted to leave her. And Lisa, in order to keep her husband, began drinking with him. Only with our help did she return to normal life: divorced an alcoholic, opened her own company, does advertising and writes a book “The Adventures of a Former Alcoholic.” Although she did not have alcoholism. But when a person drinks once a week or more often, sooner or later he will become an alcoholic. And Lisa decided to quit on time. And recently she even got married successfully and gave birth to a child.

In general, the wives of alcoholics are formed in early childhood. If a girl lives in a family where her father drinks, then day after day she observes the ugly relationship of her parents. And, for example, when she plays with dolls and one of them falls, the girl, as a rule, begins to scold the toy in the same way as her mother did to her father: “Bastard! Got drunk again and rolled around in the mud.” As a result, when she grows up, she will know how to live with an alcoholic, but not how to live with a teetotaler. And therefore, without even realizing it, in search of a groom, every time she will stumble upon an alcoholic. I even know why women like alcoholics: they express their love beautifully and are very purposeful. True, they have one goal - to drink. I wrote an article on this topic, “Why women love alcoholics.”

And remember, there are no dramas in love, there are sorrows in love.

Quite recently released new book M.E. Litvak “Man and Woman”. And today we decided to talk about relationships. We publish an interview with Mikhail Efimovich Litvak.

1. Mikhail Efimovich, you always say that we are all born to be the first. In terms of self-realization, this is, of course, true, but how can a man and a woman get along when each of them strives to take a leadership position?

Well, everyone is a leader in their own business. And you can complement each other. A man can be a writer, and his woman a translator, or she can be a lawyer, he can be a builder. Thus, everyone is busy with their own business. On the contrary, it helps the relationship.

2. What is love? How do you understand that this is not just a hobby, falling in love, but that very real feeling?

I use the definition of E. Fromm - “Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love.” We often use the word “love”, and by this we mean anything but this feeling. But if you think about this definition, you will understand that the main thing here is not that there is no one to love, but something else, do you know how to love.

And remember, there are no dramas in love, there are sorrows in love. You accepted my love - that’s good, I can develop you, if you didn’t accept it - it’s worse for you. By the way, all trainings are based on love. I love my listeners, I talk about how they can become better. If they take my advice, everything will be fine. If not, then what should I do? I don’t force or hold anyone to anything.

3. You often use the term “addictive love.” Explain the meaning of this concept.

Addictive love is a disease. Drug addiction is a painful addiction to something. For example, alcoholism. The person understands that this is harmful, but he is drawn to it.

It’s the same in relationships. It is very easy to cure this disease. You need to develop yourself and acquire the qualities you need so as not to depend on another person.

4. In your new book there is a chapter “The Art of Choosing a Partner”, please tell us again about the criteria for this choice. When we choose something, we must calculate everything. What needs do we have?

There are five main ones: food instinct, defensive instinct, sense of self-worth and sexual instinct. Your partner must satisfy all of your needs.

Let's take a break from love and talk about the cost of the painting. Well, for example, there was such an artist Modigliani, he sold his paintings for half a liter of vodka, and now they are worth millions. Only the cost of the painting was the same then and now. They just didn’t understand it at first.

Regarding connections, I emphasize that this is not cronyism, this is what binds us hand and foot. Well, the future. In general, how much does a person cost? This is determined by the availability of an apartment, a car, the level of material wealth, and connections, the fewer of them, the better. After all, connections are all our prejudices, racial, class, etc. And if they are involved in choosing a partner, in building a family, nothing good will happen.

5. Well, after all, you probably need to listen to your heart when choosing a partner?

If you listen to your heart, you will make a mistake. Emotions never really tell you anything. An emotional person is a stupid person. Well, for example, I got off at the wrong stop, everything around me was unfamiliar, I was confused, but I immediately pulled myself together and got into the next transport, and if I’m emotional, it means I’m not thinking well, which means I won’t be able to calm down and understand what to do next.

6. But we touched on the topic of interethnic relations. What are the pros and cons?

If you have prejudices, they can ruin everything.

7. Mikhail Efimovich, now modern man I can no longer imagine myself without the Internet, here we can find everything: various self-education courses, books, and the contacts we need. And even your soulmate. How do you feel about online dating and is it really true? good place to start a relationship?

I have a negative attitude towards such acquaintances. Because you won’t recognize a person on the Internet, but he can write anything. You need to meet during collaboration. There you will recognize the person in action.

8. It turns out that examples of happy relationships that began with dating on the Internet are simply exceptions to the rule?

In my opinion yes. I know more negative examples dating on the Internet.

9.Tell me what factors bring a man and a woman together, and what factors push them away from each other?

What brings a man and a woman together are, first of all, common interests and worldviews. In second place are general gastronomic tastes. In third place is sex. On the fourth – the desire to stroke. All these 4 factors are very important. But the most important thing that comes first is common interests. Then two people look in the same direction. And this is very important.

10. Expand the meaning of such a term as “ psychological divorce”.

It's like this psychological technique, which was invented by me. The gist of it is that I am internally divorcing my wife. But I don't tell her anything. It was born from practice. One woman, a resident of a small town, was so worried about her husband’s infidelity that she ended up coming to my clinic with a nervous disorder. She didn’t want to get a divorce, thoughts of “what will people think”, shared apartment, etc. Well, I offered her a “psychological divorce.” I told her: “Consider your mistress as your wife and yourself as your mistress. Only he goes to his wife 2 times a week, and to his mistress 5 times. He brings a salary to his wife and gifts to his mistress.” In general, she took my advice and stopped pestering him. And he stopped leaving home. Then I thought that “psychological divorce” is the norm of life.

I must understand that at any moment my wife can tell me:

“I don’t love you anymore and I want to break up with you.” What needs to be done? Wish her happiness. And thank you for the years of life that she gave. Grieve a little and look for someone else. And let her be happy. Many people dream of eternal marriage. But nothing is eternal. Everything is updated every time.

As Heraclitus said, “It is impossible to step into the same river twice.” I paraphrased - it is impossible to spend the night with the same woman twice. And live with her all my life. Those. every time we change, we are already different. And in fact, every day I live with a different woman, if I think well and see these changes. If I don’t think well, then it seems to me that I’ve been living with the same one all my life, and this is torture.

11. That is, using the “psychological divorce” technique, our claims against our partner disappear, and, accordingly, the relationship becomes stronger without mutual reproaches. But does this technique always work?

Of course always. This is the law of nature. Live for yourself. Basic love is self-love.

The children will grow up, you can separate from your wife or husband, you can quit your job. A there is no escape from yourself. He who does not love himself has no chance of mutual love . Is it possible to impose something bad on a loved one? A loved one only needs to give himself to his loved one.

12. Is friendship possible between a man and a woman?

What can I say. There is no friendship at all as such. Pushkin also wrote: “Everyone in the world has enemies, but God save us from friends.” There is no friendship. And even more so between a man and a woman. There is cooperation. When there is a common cause.

13. You always say that in order to meet a worthy partner you need to be an individual yourself. Please name three components of personality in your opinion.

These are three factors. Your earnings, health and spiritual development. Read books, think, attend seminars, learn logic, philosophy.

14. If you could give one piece of advice to both men and women, what would it be?

Take care of yourself. And your man will find you. As you grow up, you will be more visible from distant places.

Mikhail Efimovich Litvak is a famous psychologist, internationally registered psychotherapist, corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, candidate of medical sciences. His bestsellers “The Sperm Principle”, “Psychological Aikido” and many other books have been translated into major world languages. The circulation of his books exceeded 15 million copies. Thanks to the author’s original psychoanalytic techniques, such as “Script Reprogramming”, “Correction and Forecasting of Fate”, “Modeling Emotions”, “Intellectual Trance”, thousands of people got rid of complexes, fears, depression and became healthy, successful and happy. A new book by Mikhail Litvak about the most mysterious creatures living on Earth - Woman and Man. Nature created them so different that for thousands of years they could not agree on which of them was more important, smarter, stronger, they could not find common language, understand each other. The author reveals the main rules for creating the right happy family and options for solving problems that arise between wives and husbands, lovers and mistresses, brides and grooms.

Other books on similar topics:

Litvak, Mikhail Efimovich

Litvak, Mikhail Efimovich- chief psychotherapist of the Rostov region, candidate of medical sciences, corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences, author of more than 20 books on popular psychology, author of a method of psychological defense in conflicts (psychological aikido). founder of the CROSS club. Author of more than 20 books devoted to current issues of psychology and psychotherapy. The total circulation of books is more than 1 million copies. Books "Psychological Aikido", , "The Sperm Principle", "Psychological Vampirism", "Psychological Gambits and Combinations" became bestsellers.

Regularly conducts psychological seminars and trainings in Russia, Germany, USA, Latvia, Lithuania and Kazakhstan.

Corresponding member of the Russian Academy of Natural Sciences. Member of the European Association of Psychotherapists.

Books

• "The Sperm Principle" M.E. Litvak
• “Psychological gambits and combinations. Workshop on psychological aikido" M.E. Litvak
• “How to find out and change your destiny” M.E. Litvak
• "Psychological vampirism" M.E. Litvak
• "If you want to be happy" M.E. Litvak
• “Don't whine! Workshop on psychological aikido" M.E. Litvak
• "Sex in the family and at work" M.E. Litvak
• “To command or to obey? Psychology of Management" M.E. Litvak
• "Psychological Aikido" M.E. Litvak
• "Psychological Aikido" M.E. Litvak (book “Psychological Aikido”, translated into English)
• "From Hell to Heaven" M.E. Litvak
• "Adventures of the Eternal Prince" M.E. Litvak
• “Bandaging mental wounds or psychotherapy” M. E. Litvak, M. O. Mirovich, E. V. Zolotukhina-Abolina

Links

• Official website of M.E. Litvak: cross-club.ru
• Website of the Moscow club CROSS:

I wrote my first book, Psychological Aikido, which immediately became a bestseller. I was so happy that I immediately wrote the next one - “The Psychology of Management”, and then three dozen more books appeared one after another. Today the time has come to write a book about the highest form of psychological relations - about relations between the sexes. This form is considered the highest, because the union of a Woman and a Man leads to the birth of children. And children must be born, smart and healthy.

The whole world is structured this way. First, the leaf sprouts, then, when the stem becomes strong, a flower appears, and then the fruit. We humans are also structured according to the principles of nature: first we need a trunk, leaves, branches to appear, and then we can bloom and bear fruit.

But why are we born? In order to become the very first! This is our responsibility and our duty. All living beings on Earth are striving for primacy. And that's right. And we are capable of this. Remember when you were sperm, you had 15 million competitors, and you had to be first. And you became them! Then something happened in the first years of your life. Something led you astray from the right path, but the obligation to be first remains. And when they tell me: “I am the most unhappy person in the world,” I pay attention to the word MOST. And I must help you get ahead - to happiness, success, health, because I know approximately how this is done. The first rule in these natural competitions is to develop your mind. The second rule: you must know that the main person in this life is yourself. Therefore, you must constantly think only about yourself and your development. The higher your development, the better partner you will find, with whom you will give birth to the best, smartest and healthiest child. After all, the first always seek and find the first. This is the law of life.

But why does every person need a partner? If only we could all live alone and not know grief! But no - we are all in search of our soul mate with whom it would be comfortable to live together. The fact is that our lives are structured in such a way that we humans cannot survive alone. After all, we are weak animals with simple needs: three instincts - food, defensive, sexual, and a sense of self-importance. Basically, everything is fine with our food and defensive instincts: we have food, an apartment, clothes. Yes, and there is some kind of position. All this does not require much effort and money. But sometimes we spend our entire lives satisfying the sexual instinct. Because this instinct is associated with several types of psychological hunger.

So, each of us is hungry for communication in the same way that our body is in need of proteins, fats, and carbohydrates, which it receives from various foods. If there is not enough of one ingredient, the body will feel unwell. We expect the same thing from communication: we want to come into contact with different people, then our “hunger” will be satisfied.

In fact, it is possible to live alone, but for this you need to have very good preparation. We were engaged in psychological preparation of astronauts, and I know that loneliness is the worst for them. They were locked indoors for a week and their mental state was monitored. It happened that many astronaut candidates had a breakdown, they developed psychosis, they began to hear voices and talk to these voices. A person can live without food for almost two months. And without communication, like without water, it’s only a few days.

We are herd animals, social creatures. If there are no people nearby, we begin to feel sad, and some may even die from sadness.

We are herd animals, social creatures. If there are no people nearby, we begin to feel sad, and some may even die from sadness. I live in a 14-story building where a lot of pensioners live, many of whom are widows. They have a pension, an apartment - what else do they need? Communication! And they go out into the street and sit on benches all day long, sharpening their swords. Those who find it difficult to move sit on the balcony, watching people scurry about below. This is how they stimulate their “hunger” so that there are irritants.

And any of the provincials who have found themselves alone in a big city, for example in Moscow, know the feeling of being lost - among the crowd you somehow feel uneasy. You can also feel lonely among a bunch of people. Therefore, to feel comfortable, you need someone’s close participation, someone’s at least a moment’s interest in you. Once, while on a business trip in Moscow, I accidentally met a professor I knew in a crowded metro. How glad I was for him! A familiar face in a faceless crowd! Although before that we had only a casual acquaintance, I rushed to him as if I were my own. We hugged, talked, found out who was doing what in the capital, and even to celebrate, we planned joint scientific work.

The second type of psychological hunger is hunger for recognition. This is when a person finds himself in a new company, for example at a resort or on an improvement course. And he immediately wants to meet someone, so that tomorrow he can recognize this person, so that he can feel that he is not alone! But if a person slowly comes into contact, takes a long time to warm up, then he will remain alone. In a holiday home, for example, after three days everyone already knows each other. And whoever has not made friends with anyone during this time remains alone. Therefore, you need to be able to quickly get acquainted, then you will satisfy your hunger for recognition.

And each of us also wants to satisfy our hunger for events. So you came to your birthday, you were given the opportunity to make the first toast. What's the first toast you'll tell? Of course, for the birthday boy. Although, maybe you can't stand him. But what to do? Once you get to the holiday, you must follow all the prescribed rules. Besides, nothing is decided on these holidays. For example, if your boss wishes you success in your work life, this does not mean that the next day he will increase your salary and position. Congratulations and toasts are simple rituals. It’s another matter when an event occurs at the holiday that goes beyond the scope of ritual actions. For example, if people got into a fight, there will be something to talk about tomorrow. Or often events related to sexual life occur there. For example, a modest, shy employee has a chance to approach a girl he has liked for a long time and confess his feelings to her. Or the hidden alcoholic will finally show himself in all his glory - and get drunk, and pester the boss, and beat up the guard... Such a holiday is remembered for a long time, because people satisfy their hunger for events.

Another type of psychological hunger is recognition hunger. This is when a person finds himself in a new company, for example, at a resort... And he immediately wants to meet someone, so that tomorrow he can recognize this person, in order to feel that he is not alone.

Other types of psychological hunger are hunger for achievement and recognition.

Have you learned music and now play complex pieces? This is your achievement. Do you lift weights? Previously I squeezed 40 kg, but today it’s 80 kg? Yes, this is an achievement. But don’t sit still – go to the competition. Now you need to satisfy your hunger for recognition. And there you will go - first category, second, master of sports... Everyone recognized you.

But it often happens that achievements do not lead to recognition. For example, you have been working at a factory for a hundred years, but you are sitting in the same position and on the same salary - which means you are not recognized. Or do you want to produce new aircraft? But their production cycle is quite long: you need to take out a loan, build a factory, create a design bureau, and come up with a new aircraft. But you finally came up with it, and the next bureau invented a better plane a day before you. And you didn't receive recognition. Even such nonsense as defending a dissertation may also not lead to recognition. You prepared for several years, went out to defend yourself and did not defend yourself. Although your scientific work may have been good, people did not recognize it.

Quite recently released new book by M.E. Litvak “Man and Woman”. And today we decided to talk about relationships. We publish interview With Mikhail Efimovich Litvak.

1. Mikhail Efimovich, you always say that we are all born to be the first. In terms of self-realization, this is, of course, true, but how can a man and a woman get along when each of them strives to take a leadership position?

Well, everyone is a leader in their own business. And you can complement each other. A man can be a writer, and his woman a translator, or she can be a lawyer, he a builder. Thus, everyone is busy with their own business. On the contrary, it helps the relationship.

2. What is love? How do you understand that this is not just a hobby, falling in love, but that very real feeling?

I use the definition of E. Fromm - “Love is an active interest in the life and development of the object of love.” We often use the word “love”, and by this we mean anything but this feeling. But if you think about this definition, you will understand that the main thing here is not that there is no one to love, but something else, do you know how to love.

And remember, there are no dramas in love, there are sorrows in love. You accepted my love - that’s good, I can develop you, if you didn’t accept it - it’s worse for you. By the way, all trainings are based on love. I love my listeners, I talk about how they can become better. If they take my advice, everything will be fine. If not, then what should I do? I don’t force or hold anyone to anything.

3. You often use the term “addictive love.” Explain the meaning of this concept.

Addictive love is a disease. Drug addiction is a painful addiction to something. For example, alcoholism. The person understands that this is harmful, but he is drawn to it.

It’s the same in relationships. It is very easy to cure this disease. You need to develop yourself and acquire the qualities you need so as not to depend on another person.

4. In your new book there is a chapter “The Art of Choosing a Partner”, please tell us again about the criteria for this choice. When we choose something, we must calculate everything. What needs do we have?

There are five main ones: food instinct, defensive instinct, sense of self-worth and sexual instinct. Your partner must satisfy all of your needs.

Let's take a break from love and talk about the cost of the painting. Well, for example, there was such an artist Modigliani, he sold his paintings for half a liter of vodka, and now they are worth millions. Only the cost of the painting was the same then and now. They just didn’t understand it at first.

Regarding connections, I emphasize that this is not cronyism, this is what binds us hand and foot. Well, the future. In general, how much does a person cost? This is determined by the availability of an apartment, a car, the level of material wealth, and connections, the fewer of them, the better. After all, connections are all our prejudices, racial, class, etc. And if they are involved in choosing a partner, in building a family, nothing good will happen.

5. Well, after all, you probably need to listen to your heart when choosing a partner?

If you listen to your heart, you will make a mistake. Emotions never really tell you anything. An emotional person is a stupid person. Well, for example, I got off at the wrong stop, everything around me was unfamiliar, I was confused, but I immediately pulled myself together and got into the next transport, and if I’m emotional, it means I’m not thinking well, which means I won’t be able to calm down and understand what to do next.

6. But we touched on the topic of interethnic relations. What are the pros and cons?

If you have prejudices, they can ruin everything.

7. Mikhail Efimovich, now a modern person can no longer imagine himself without the Internet, here we can find everything: various self-education courses, books, and the contacts we need. And even your soulmate. What do you think about online dating and is it really a good place to start a relationship?

I have a negative attitude towards such acquaintances. Because you won’t recognize a person on the Internet, but he can write anything. You need to get to know each other while working together. There you will recognize the person in action.
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