No, I Can't "Just Calm Down": How I Cope with Anxiety Disorder. I can't handle myself I can't handle myself

At first glance, the concept of discipline may not seem directly related to spiritual life. And this is true if we perceive the relationship with God as something abstract - as “faith in the soul.” But for the Christian life, which is precisely a full life with Christ, discipline is one of the absolutely necessary qualities. AND we're talking about not only about the elementary daily routine, the regime of work and rest, the regularity of prayer, but also about deeper, internal things.

Set trajectory

We often encounter in our lives the fact that we are caught by surprise by certain unpleasant circumstances or temptations, and we fall over and over again under the pressure of these temptations, as a result of which we become discouraged and even sometimes completely despair, because we cannot understand why. This is what happens: after all, we pray, we take into account certain aspects for the future, but nevertheless we absolutely cannot cope with what defeats us. If this is the case, then the reason, most likely, must be sought either in one’s pride, which needs such lessons in humility, in vanity, which can be so difficult to cope with, or... in a lack of internal discipline.

What is discipline anyway? I think different people different but generally similar associations will arise with this word. For example, I imagine young students of the Suvorov Military School walking down the street. They will be in shape, fit, and will have a certain composure that is not so common among teenagers. I don’t want to say by this that the Suvorov School is perfect shape training, but this is a clear example of the fact that an externally disciplined person, over time, internally begins to differ from those who neglect discipline. Therefore, it would be wrong to equate discipline only with obedience to external rules and thereby downplay its importance - this is something that should permeate a person’s entire life: his thoughts, outlook on life, attitude towards people, towards the world, towards God.

In the churchyard one sometimes meets people whose Christian life is nothing more than a chaotic, uncontrollable flow, and they are convinced that this is exactly what it should be by nature. And at the same time, as a rule, one can see that they have great difficulty in achieving the most common things for a Christian. And this is not surprising. Here we can give the following simple analogy: if we, having overslept or for some other reason lost time, fall unprepared into our ordinary everyday working day, as if into a stream - people, events, circumstances - that picks us up and carries us, then, rather Overall, this day will be difficult. And on the contrary: if we forced ourselves to get up on time, got ready, prayed, if we planned a certain sequence of tasks for that day in advance, then those tasks that we need to complete during the day are much easier. Of course, life makes its own adjustments, but nevertheless, when there is a certain given trajectory, this gives us the opportunity to live much more integrally.

Roulette for the mind

Probably, almost every person is taught from childhood basic norms: watch where you are going, don’t turn your head in all directions, don’t wave your arms. In the same way, we should edify ourselves by taking care of this type of discipline called mental discipline. The holy fathers compare the mind to a bird, which cannot remain in one place for a moment and constantly flits from branch to branch, from tree to tree, as if searching for something. Of course, except for the grace of God, nothing can completely curb our mind, give it a complete sense of being here and now and a complete understanding of what it comprehends. But nevertheless, a certain amount of work is still required of man here.

Buy a roulette leash for your mind

Perhaps the most important thing in developing mental discipline is the ability to concentrate it on what we are doing at a particular moment. If we read a book, the main thing for us should be its text; if we are talking with a person, at this moment we need to distract ourselves from everything else and focus our mind on the interlocutor; if we give our mind rest, then during this short period, as a rule, we need to rest. In practice, all this often turns out to be difficult. Therefore, it is necessary - in a figurative sense, of course - to acquire a roulette leash for your mind; There are now these for small dogs: on it the pet seems to walk freely, but can move away from the owner ten meters, no more. In the same way, we need to constantly pull our mind closer to ourselves, allowing it to think freely. Gradually he will get used to this regime, it will become something natural for him, and we will not have to look for him in the “dumpsters” and return him from his “escapes.”

And you also need to keep in mind this regularity: in order to understand something, you need to look closely at it. You need to accustom your mind to peer into what it wants to comprehend, for a long time, intently, to immerse itself in this phenomenon, to discover internal relationships in it. I remember one of my friends, having retired, shared: spending a lot of time at home, he suddenly began to notice what his floorboards were made of, and after some time - what kind of garbage was stuck between these floorboards. And this is a clear example of how to learn to see what is happening in ourselves: we need to accustom our mind to “dwell” in us, and not just look into ourselves for a short time, as a busy person who hardly lives at home looks into the space of his apartment. Then we will not only know what and where we have, but we will also be able to free our hearts from some stuck little things in time.

Don't spill what we have

Besides the discipline of the mind, there is the discipline of the senses. It may be surprising to some that feelings require discipline. But in fact, a person must be able to curb his feelings so that they do not seize power over him. This is an essential skill, including for the Christian life, because a huge number of people become entangled in sin because they cannot cope with their attachment to someone or overcome the feeling of fear that paralyzes their soul.

Feelings need to be nurtured, including by giving them a certain limit

Disciplining your feelings does not mean squeezing them like a spring: this will only lead to a breakdown at some point. But feelings need to be nurtured, including setting a certain limit for them. And if in difficult circumstances we sometimes find it difficult to do this, in simple life moments it is accessible to us and allows us to acquire a skill. We are happy, it’s good - we can be happy, but this does not mean that we need to sing songs or laugh throughout the street. If something irritates us, we can be upset, but this does not give us the right to lash out at anyone. And this is not an emasculation of our life, but in fact a completely natural thing.

There is no need to spill everything that is in us around us. Any feeling must be verified by the Gospel, try to understand whether it is according to God or not according to God, and depending on this, determine its place in your life and your attitude towards it. This skill is difficult to overestimate - after all, it is precisely when carried away by feelings that people make the most serious mistakes, which sometimes lead to tragic consequences.

“What if they were shot for this?”

It happens that a person comes and says: “But I just can’t discipline myself.” What can you say to this?

I am convinced that any capable person can accept for himself certain rules discipline and stick to them. There are, for example, people who are constantly late, and they consider this almost their congenital pathology, which they can only come to terms with. But it is enough to remember the relatively recent and very sad times of the cult of personality for our country to understand: there is no irresistible tendency to be late. In those years, failure to show up for work on time threatened with problems up to and including criminal charges - and people, regardless of their employment, somehow managed to arrive on time. Therefore, when it seems to us that we will never learn not to do something, it is worth asking ourselves the question: “What if we were shot for this?” Most likely, we will answer ourselves that yes, then we could. I in no way approve of such methods, but if we could do it then, then, in principle, we can do it now.

When trials come, learning discipline is already very difficult. We, priests, often have to talk with people who are brought to church by a whole series of misfortunes: they lost their job, they were betrayed by a close friend, one of their family members fell ill... And a disciplined person has every chance of getting out of such a situation: he can radically oppress himself, for example, in expenses, he can increase his working hours and make the most of the remaining time for recovery, he can survive his grief in such a way as to remain active and useful to others - and in the end, in this adherence to reason and prayer to God, his life will straighten out . And if a person previously could not deny himself the pleasure of lying on the sofa to the detriment of business, to the detriment of his whole life, like Oblomov, then in such a situation he will completely retreat into his Oblomov dreams - and die. And if we felt this threat, if we fully understood what the consequences of our relaxation could be, we would never allow it to take possession of us.

It is important to distinguish anxiety from stress. Stress is a reaction to dangerous external factors or threats. With anxiety, you begin to fear the most harmless things.

Anxiety can be hidden behind other problems, such as depression.

Meditation, deep breathing and relaxation techniques can help you cope with an anxiety attack.

It is also important to isolate yourself in time, focus on something or give vent to emotions.

Last weekend I attended Dragon Con, the biggest party in Atlanta for nerds like me. On Saturday, I had to leave the event to panic, feel the futility of my existence and cry until I was exhausted. Then I returned for the holiday. This is my life with a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder.

According to the American Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders represent a fairly broad spectrum of illnesses. Generalized anxiety disorder is the most common disorder.

Anxiety occurs when your brain begins to fear ordinary things, such as socializing or making utility payments.

It is important to distinguish anxiety disorders from ordinary stress. Stress is a spontaneous fight-or-flight response to dangerous external factors or threats. Stress is normal.

Anxiety occurs when your brain begins to fear ordinary things, such as socializing, making utility bills, or going to work after the weekend. Anxiety activates the same parts of the brain that trigger the fight-or-flight response, and you have no control over it. This impairs your ability to make even the simplest decisions and often multiplies the problems you're worrying about. Here are some of the things I've learned while dealing with anxiety.

Anxiety may be hiding behind other problems

As a child, I didn't go to many holidays. I didn't go to my own graduation, or to school parties in general. This is probably why my first “coming out” when I was twenty turned out to be a nightmare. I was invited to a Halloween party. I love this holiday, so I decided that I would have a great time. But I didn’t know how and with whom I would have to communicate.

I was invited by a pretty girl I met at the movies, but I didn’t know anyone else. I was too nervous to talk to anyone, and to everyone present I was a strange guy who no one knew (at least that's how I felt). In the end, I hid from everyone, huddled in a chair in the farthest corner. Not my best memory. Returning home, I tried to understand what had gone wrong and came to the conclusion that my depression was to blame. If I didn't feel so numb, I would have something to discuss with these people glowing with happiness. I was wrong: I had something to talk to them about. I loved Halloween, I was delighted with the costumes and music. I was just afraid to talk to anyone. My anxiety was insidiously hidden behind depression.

My depression and anxiety were two separate but intertwined problems

In reality, my depression and anxiety were two separate but intertwined problems. Due to depression, I avoided socializing because social connections seemed useless to me. Isolating myself, I came to the point where I didn't know how to carry on a simple conversation. Because of this, I began to feel acute anxiety when meeting new people.

I blamed depression for robbing me of the energy to interact with people, and did not realize that in addition to depression, I had a separate problem - social anxiety disorder, which required completely different strategies and treatments.

The relationship between mental health problems is not always obvious. If you have a cold, you know the symptoms. Anxiety disorders can occur either independently or in combination with other diseases.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America notes that anxiety disorders may accompany other mental or physical illnesses, such as eating disorders, sleep disorders, ADHD(attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), chronic pain and even prolonged stress. In my case, anxiety turned out to be something of a bonus for a regular client.

You Can't "Just Calm Down" But You Can Try

The most hated words for those with anxiety disorders are variations of the expression “just calm down.” We can't "just settle down." And if they could, we wouldn’t be talking about an anxiety disorder. I heard “just calm down” so many times that it made me angry.

At the very beginning of my writing career, I lived in a hostel. Someone once wrote a mean comment on my blog. It's generally considered normal to worry about these things, but I was in such unbearable pain that I started crying out loud over the kitchen sink. A friend asked if I should go to my room to calm down. In response, I yelled that I couldn’t calm down, that he couldn’t even imagine what it was like to be under constant stress (which, of course, is complete nonsense, but I really felt that way at the time).

I screamed that everything was terrible and nothing good would ever happen in my life

I bemoaned my poor writing skills and vowed never to write again. I screamed that everything was terrible and nothing good would ever happen in my life. I finally collapsed on the floor in the middle of the kitchen and burst into sobs. My friend, to his credit, stayed with me until I started breathing normally.

The word “calm down” still irritates me, but the kitchen episode helped me realize that my friend didn’t deserve to be treated that way—he was trying to help me. Moreover, he correctly identified that I needed to find a safer place where I could deal with my anxiety. “Just calm down” isn’t bad advice in and of itself, it just doesn’t work for people with anxiety disorders. An ordinary person can “just calm down” by making a deep entrance, counting to ten, or mentally transporting oneself to a corner of paradise. But for us this is not the case.

By practicing relaxation, you train your brain not to reject the “calm down” option as alien.

However, it is also important for us to train our body to respond differently to anxiety, because it leads to an increase in heart rate, rapid breathing and muscle tension. It is worth mastering meditation, deep breathing and relaxation techniques and practicing them every day, regardless of your anxiety level. You should not expect immediate results from the practices, and they will not solve problems once and for all. Anxiety disorders require qualified medical intervention.

Despite this, by practicing relaxation, we train the brain not to reject the “calm down” option as alien. Part of the problem with anxiety disorders is that we cannot move from a state of fear to a state of calm. But the more we practice relaxation techniques, the more natural this state becomes. In my experience, I have learned that even if “calm down” is not something I can tell myself to do, it is still an indication that I am having an anxiety attack and need to do something.

Anxiety has a terrible habit of popping up when you least expect it. When I get emotional and start to freak out and panic if someone tells me to “calm down,” I know it’s time to take decisive action. Of course, I don't count to ten, I just leave the situation and ride out the attack until my anxiety subsides.

Make a plan to deal with seizures

One day, when my hostel friend had guests over, I started having an anxiety attack. I no longer remember what caused it - perhaps it started without a reason.

While I was sitting alone in my room, I began to hyperventilate. I was scared: the attack was more serious than usual, but my fear only worsened the situation. I couldn't call for help because I could barely breathe. Eventually I managed to push the chair against the door and it broke with a bang. This attracted the attention of the friend and his guests. One of them called ambulance, which scared me even more, and the attack intensified. Later we discussed what to do in similar situations in the future.

Anxiety disorder can manifest itself in different ways, but having a plan to manage your attacks can help.

Anxiety is uncomfortable. If an attack happens when you are alone, it is scary. When anxiety strikes you in public, your behavior during an attack can cause misunderstandings among others and lead to problems. Anxiety disorders can manifest in different ways, but having a plan to manage your attacks can help.

It is important to remember that severe anxiety attacks last about 10 minutes, rarely up to 30 minutes. Some people experience difficulty breathing, others experience sudden stress. In most cases, the attack goes away on its own.

What helps with seizures

1. Stop the situation: If you can control the situation, try to pause. Set aside the discussion if you are in the middle of a difficult conversation. Don't continue a fight with someone you care about. Pull over to the side of the road if you are driving.
2. Isolate yourself from the source of stress: try to retire to a quiet place at least for a short time.
3. Focus on something else: this can be difficult due to the nature of anxiety attacks that cause you to dwell on terrible thoughts, but it is still very helpful. If you distract yourself and your thoughts from the subject of anxiety, your body will return to normal faster.
4. Alternative: Release your emotions. Scream. Cry. Sometimes when anxiety overwhelms you, you need to let it out. Your body will soon become tired: it cannot remain in a state of tension forever, and certainly not after five minutes of screaming.

This method is not suitable for every situation. If you have difficulty breathing or are in a public place, this is not the most best way. But if you're alone, it can help you deal with your emotions quickly.

Your problems are usually not other people.

Like most of the world's population, my first romantic relationships were terrible. Now I understand that in many ways it was my fault. My childhood was not typical or normal, and it left me feeling rejected and experiencing a lot of bitterness. Naturally, when I first had a girlfriend, I perceived her as my personal source of approval and support. We studied together in college at the directing department. One day, my friend suggested we go to a local film festival. The idea of ​​going to a loud, crowded place and “meeting new people” sounded terrifying. But I decided, counting on the fact that my girlfriend would support me in difficult times.

I couldn't cope with the situation. I didn't talk to anyone and ended up telling my girlfriend that I'd be waiting for her in the car. She asked how I was feeling, we talked a little, but she left me alone in the car to “rest” and returned to the festival.

The reason we disagreed was because I didn't confront my anxiety disorder.

I felt abandoned and betrayed. How could she leave me alone? When we returned home, we had a big fight. After that, our relationship did not last long. It is now obvious to me that the reason for our disagreement was that I did not resist my anxiety disorder. It wasn't my friend's fault that I was feeling anxious, and by blaming her I was only making the problem worse. The worst effect of such accusations is that it alienates people who want to help.

This was a good lesson for me. I thought that the reason for my problems was the people around me, and I found excuses for myself: “my friend is insensitive,” “my girlfriend doesn’t care about me.” When you are overwhelmed by anxiety, your ability to soberly assess the situation disappears. If we imagine that it’s all because of others, it becomes much easier, but this greatly complicates our relationships with loved ones.

Sometimes the people around you can really seriously ruin your life. If you have a terrible job, it's better to look for another one. If you feel bad after talking with a friend, you should think about whether such friendship is necessary. But still, it is better to postpone making such decisions, waiting until the moment when you are not susceptible to emotions. If you suffer from an anxiety disorder, don't be afraid to seek professional help. The main thing is not to let anxiety take over your life. Appreciate your loved ones, remember that they wish you well. Struggling with anxiety disorders is difficult, but recovery is still possible.

About the author

Eric Ravenscraft– blogger, writes for the Lifehacker portal.

Hello, uv. forum members.

I will soon turn 31 years old and I approached this age as a completely insignificant, broken, unable to cope with myself, perhaps a mentally unhealthy woman. I am not a doctor, so I cannot diagnose myself, but I clearly understand that my condition is not normal. This scares me.

Even though I have already for a long time I’m reading this forum (thank you very much to its creators, as well as to specialists and just ordinary forum users who help people here!), I can’t help myself.

There was a time when I consulted a psychotherapist in person. I only visited him once. We talked for 1 hour, after which I was prescribed some medications. I tried to take them, but apparently they weren’t suitable for me, because... I felt terrible from them - I could sleep for days, and when I didn’t sleep, I didn’t understand anything at all, everything was in a terrible fog - I could go out into the street for some business and halfway forget where and why I was going. I was very frightened by this condition, I called the doctor, told how these drugs acted on me (since the effect was supposed to be the opposite), he suggested that I take them for another week, but I did not do this. I was scared. In addition, I have a child who was 3.5 years old at that time and I simply could not be in such an inadequate state, I was afraid for the child, and there was no one to help me with her. I didn’t go to my next appointment with the psychotherapist. And I stopped taking medications.

I know that it is customary to indicate your request here... I would like to somehow get out of my current psychological state. And I don't know how to do it. I tried it myself. many times, but it doesn’t work out for me, after each “jerk” I slide lower and lower. This makes my attitude towards myself worse and worse.

The state itself: complete apathy, complete lack of interest in life, a constant, unbearable, corrosive feeling of guilt for the fact that I so idiotically destroyed my life, my family, self-loathing for my weakness, lack of will, stupidity. Actually, I'm disgusted with myself right now. No physical strength. Severe weakness and walking pains throughout the body. I don’t sleep normally, I can and do eat, but I almost don’t feel the taste - it’s like I’m chewing cotton wool.. when I try to do something, to somehow pull myself together, I run out of steam literally in half an hour.. I’m physically tired so much that I go to bed. bed and lying down. My head, back, and stomach begin to ache. Now I can’t cope with basic household responsibilities - cleaning, cooking, washing, caring for the child. I don’t do even half of it, and what I do I do with all my might. The worst thing I can do now is to show attention, love, and warmth to my daughter. I love her very much, but now... I’m like a shell, and inside there is a gaping emptiness and blackness. She tells me something, but every time I can’t concentrate on her words, I don’t catch the conversation at all, then I ask again, she sees that my mother is nearby, but it’s as if she’s not there. It happens that I read her a book at night, and, having finished reading it, she can immediately tell me something about what she read, but I don’t even know, I don’t remember, I didn’t catch what kind of fairy tale we read.

I constantly read any topic on this forum. Everything. You could say binge drinking. For a long time I couldn’t understand why. Then I realized that this was how I was running away from my reality. I read and my thoughts are in the situation of the author of the topic. If I don’t read, then I start thinking about myself, about my life... despair, pain, panic, fear, and a terrible feeling of guilt fall on me.

I don’t know what else would be useful to write now...
When I read the forum, I identified some of my psychological problems... or characteristics... Sorry, it’s difficult to express my thoughts correctly now.
I have a very rigid oral fixation. I read the topic “I am not a cat...”, but I couldn’t read the whole thing. It was hard for me. When I read it, I cried a lot, some parts of the topic literally opened up some internal wounds, it resonated strongly, sometimes I cried out loud. I reached about halfway. And I couldn’t do it anymore. Even physically it was difficult - I had a headache, felt sick... But from the topic I realized that I was 100% screaming, and very hopeless. This led to despair.

Yesterday I read from uv. Kreslava in her diary about masochists. And I also saw myself in the description.

I also have a terrible predisposition to addictions. Sorry if the wording is not correct. I suffer greatly from psychological dependence on other people. Alcohol has never been a problem. But I smoke. Now - a lot. And it scares me too. I know that I am causing serious harm to my health, but I cannot quit.
My brother has an alcohol addiction. We are somehow... dysfunctional... Although we grew up in a complete, prosperous family, no one drank.

I used to think that I had problems with self-esteem - that it was low. But now I understand that this is not so. I rate myself quite adequately. And the low assessment of oneself is fair.

To put it simply, I feel worthless. I hate myself. And I’m scared... After all, my daughter is growing up. And in my current state, I simply cannot give her the proper example and education. It's horrible.

I wasn't always like this. Previously, I was a completely different person, although much, very much of my current state, my psychological problems, have been there since early childhood. However, this was in the light version, so to speak, and did not greatly prevent me from living quite well. Now everything has grown to gigantic proportions and has supplanted life itself. I don't live.

Last time edited by Chalykushu; 03/08/2015 at 12:24 pm.

Good afternoon, Olga! So you think that I don’t need to seek help from a specialist? Treat this condition. But it may never go away. Moreover, now our communication has resumed, we regularly call each other. When we talk on the phone, I feel so relaxed, so calm. If he calls in the evening, I fall asleep normally that night. It's like a drug. (I even stopped being angry with him for his betrayal. Well, yes, the guy is furious, he’s trying to run away from old age, or maybe he’s just confused, he can also be understood. After all, if I suddenly fell in love, well, how can you tell your heart... something else a matter of moral standards, but this is a separate topic). I can’t bring myself to refuse communication at all, but I don’t want to suffer either. And even if he gets mad and comes back, I don’t want to depend so much on this relationship. But how to do this?

1. Yes, I really like everything I do. I have been drawing and embroidering for many years and it has always given me great pleasure. Although there was a moment when my hands gave up so much that I couldn’t even do this. But they forced life situations- birthdays of relatives and friends. It was necessary to give gifts. I forced myself, then I got the taste again and now I work with great pleasure. Well, so as not to lie, I’ll probably say that yes, to some extent, it helps me to distract myself. Although, you know, I noticed that when I do something new job, I always think about how Sergei would comment on it, what he would say, that is, when I work, I still think about him. Therefore, this is not a way to get distracted, it is a really pleasant and favorite activity.

2. Regarding the apartment and dacha. I can’t avoid going to the dacha, because... I need to help my mother, again my daughter and granddaughter are vacationing there, they need help. But it’s so hard for me there, because there’s a lot of communication with my family and different worries, there’s no time to really think about it. But in an apartment it’s more difficult. Yesterday I went out onto the balcony, there was a piece left unfinished. I remembered how we fussed around on this balcony together, how we discussed how to make it more beautiful and more comfortable for cats (I have six of them, all handpicked, four of them were brought to me by Sergei). I think: now I’ll never finish it, if only Seryozha were here now, he would finish it... Then suddenly such anger came over me, because “I’m lazy,” it really couldn’t be finished right away. And then immediately tears, they didn’t finish it then, because they rushed off to the bedroom... and then they didn’t get around to it.

3. I don’t know what to say here. I really don't understand yet...

4. As for sex... I have great confidence. Never in my life had anything worked out with any man until Sergei appeared. My mother always said, you don’t need him, he’s not your man, you’re only attached to him because of sex. But I will say this: because of sex too! When a year and a half passed, after he left, at the insistence of friends, I tried to meet men. And (I won’t lie), there were a couple of contacts. After which, I mercilessly broke up with them, because I didn’t feel anything...at all!!!