Why do girls like to resist in bed? If she does not give it to me voluntarily, I will take her by force Or give free rein to my own passions.

- Why did you get into his car?! Why didn’t you say “no” right away! Why didn’t you run away then?! Until now, when it comes to issues of rape, half the country has such a dense Middle Ages in their heads that you are amazed. Yesterday, for example, my eye caught this letter on the Internet...

“...The fact is that 7 years ago my husband died and I have a child. I work, I earn good money, in short, I’m independent, I don’t need anyone. It so happened that all these years I have not dated anyone, despite the fact that many people like me and look good. One day two weeks ago, at work in the office, we were celebrating my friend’s birthday and an acquaintance came to see us; he doesn’t work with us, but we work in the same field. He sat down next to me and began to look after me, not even touching my hands or legs much, I dodged him as best I could, I didn’t want to swear, especially in front of everyone, he’s just a very influential person. After this evening, he began to often appear exactly where I was. One evening, I was sitting at home, he called and asked to meet, like talk. I went out to talk, got into the car, talked about nothing. I somehow relaxed, evening, day off. He said that he wanted to take me around the city, I agreed. We drove, laughed, talked, felt it, and in the end it turned into something unclear and..... I didn’t understand what it was, he just didn’t let me say his word, he attacked me when I jumped out of the Car, I even started bleeding there was a dress. I took him home calmly, I didn’t say a word and left. And he just disappeared. I haven’t slept for a week, I haven’t eaten, I’m embarrassed to tell anyone, and even whoever you tell, they’ll say it’s her fault and he’s very influential. He just acted like a fool and didn’t even ask for forgiveness. Everyone has always respected me and had a very high opinion of me, but now I have the feeling that since I’ve been single for so many years, it means I’m easily accessible.”

I would like to draw your attention to a few points. The first is the fact that stops the victim from going to the police. This is the same “why did you get into the car if you didn’t want anything?”

Both the criminal and the victim, and you and I understand that this fact will really raise questions, both from the police and from society, if the story becomes public. A woman will definitely be asked this question, insisting that she “wanted it herself.” However, it is important to emphasize one nuance. If the girl really wanted something, then it was definitely not violence.

She might have wanted kisses under the moon. Or confessions. Or marriage proposals. Or a wonderful night in a hotel, full of affection (I admit that she might have had such a thought). Or just a private conversation. What I got was a dirty and painful use of my body, feeling like a thing worse than a doormat. She suffered both mentally and physically, and she did not give consent to this either verbally or mentally.

To think that if a woman gets into a car, then now you can do whatever you want with her because she supposedly agrees - a crime. It’s exactly the same crime as inviting a person for an interview and, on the basis that he showed up there, taking away his passport and using him as a slave. He came himself!

There is no crime in offering sex to a girl who agrees to a car ride. That would be hypocrisy. But rudely and with the use of force, despite the clear refusal to take possession of her body, this is a clear crime.

Why didn’t the “big boss,” an intelligent and influential man who knows his way around society well, talk to the girl, invite her to meet her, and even ask her exactly how she loves, but simply brutally rape her?

Here the ears grow from another myth, which is very tenacious in our society. This is a myth that a woman cannot express her consent, and never expresses it (apparently because she never wants sex). The myth is that a woman needs to be “pushed”, pushed, forced, or at worst simply taken by force, which is what the man did. That is, he could not even imagine that it was possible not to “push”, not to force, but to make love by mutual consent. After all, otherwise, if he really considered himself a rapist, he would prefer to get rid of the victim and the evidence rather than take her home.

The terrifying myth that “no is yes” is sometimes supported by women themselves who are afraid to express their desires openly. But it’s better for a man to remember that it’s better to leave one smart-assed little one without sex than to rape one innocent girl. One can't help but wonder if the controversial mandatory consent laws passed in Sweden, for example, or, more recently, Spain, aren't so controversial after all. After all, some may interpret as consent the fact that the girl does not run away quickly enough. Or he doesn't scream very loudly. A clear “yes” is better.

And the third point that allowed the man to act so basely and vilely was his confidence in his exceptional permissiveness. Still, the voices of feminists and victims of sexual violence are still very weak in our country. Much weaker than the voices whitewashing the rapist. Therefore, the scoundrel knows very well that the majority of society, if anything happens, will be on his side. And the victim will not run to the police - he will be afraid of condemnation. And this is the worst thing.

Let me make the topic a little more specific. This is not about when a potential sex partner delays the moment of rapprochement and plays “cat and mouse” with you, either agreeing to sit on your lap, or suddenly remembering that she has to get up early tomorrow and it’s probably time to call Taxi. And about situations when your regular girlfriend, whom you have already seen many times without panties and from different angles, decides to play hard to get: she starts dodging caresses and kisses, squeezing her legs, etc. Which, frankly, is not such an uncommon scenario. I even had a question on this topic from a reader in the “For Advice” section:

“In my practice, I have met many girls who like to resist in sex. I was even married to one. So, I had to take my wife almost by force. No, without assault, of course, but my freestyle wrestling skills helped a lot. Tell me, where do girls have such a mania? I think a lot of them like it,” Moore wonders.

Moore, of course, slightly bent about “mania” (although in nature there are actually girls who do not like ordinary, peaceful sex, so they make a big deal out of every copulation fighting- but this is the exception rather than the rule). However, there is definitely some truth in the young man’s words... I’m sharing my thoughts on why girls might like sex with elements of resistance, and against the background of what we are usually drawn to such things.

1. From an excess of strength and against the backdrop of internal courage

Surely, you yourself are familiar with this state: when the day is going well, you have a lot of energy, you want to jump, run and do push-ups at the same time (but you’re too lazy to trudge to the gym). In this case, it is not enough just to actively copulate. The soul requires some kind of drive, intrigue, provocation. And in this case, the game “Come on, catch up!” and “Did you catch up? Now, come on, unclench my thighs!” - that's it.

2. As an element of reconciliatory sex

Sex as the final chord of a quarrel is one of my favorite types of sex. But the transition from waving frying pans to waving thongs is usually complicated by the fact that the offended party (in 99.9% of cases - a girl) cannot just immediately capitulate, as if nothing had happened. It’s you who will stop taking her bucking seriously.

Well, or, let’s say, no quarrel has really started yet, but she walks around and furrows her eyebrows with inspiration, purses her lips and mentally calls you cloven-hoofed. You, as expected wise man, you take the first step towards rapprochement - but what should she do? She needs to breed you. Marinate. Push away. As befits a wise woman. Sex with elements of resistance - great way get rid of the accumulated aggression, and at the same time make it clear to you: forgiveness (and with it access to the body) must be earned.

3. A way to feel your genuine passion

If Alzheimer's disease in old age does not threaten everyone, then intimacy, initiated according to the principle: “Well, shall we have sex?” - “Well, yes, you can” - this is what sooner or later awaits every couple. And even if something like this isn’t said out loud, it doesn’t change the essence: there is sex, but it’s somehow... unsexy. It’s as if two lethargic seals decided to rub each other’s tender parts.

And without the research of British scientists, it is clear that the situation is largely explained by the fact that you have satisfied your “hunting instinct”. A woman snoring next to you is not a desired prey, but a given. But as soon as she begins to escape from your lustful clutches, all your instincts instantly come to life. And now, you are no longer a couple of seals, but two lean cheetahs, pouncing on each other with a roar and a roar.

4. Or give free rein to your own passions

The human libido is designed in such a cunning way that many of us, perhaps without realizing it, act out certain “scenarios” from the past in bed. According to psychologists, if a girl enjoys treating almost every intimacy like a martial art, such strange behavior may stem from her first sexual experience.

After all, if you think about it, even the most “peaceful” defloration scenarios, as a rule, contain a certain element of coercion: men insist, persuade, push us to bed, and we, in turn, resist, but ultimately give in. And it happens that a woman literally has this image imprinted in her brain. She can only experience pleasure if she hands over the reins to her partner. “It’s not her fault” - they took her, conquered her, conquered her. And the less such a person supposedly controls the situation, the more bright orgasms they visit her.

5. The desire to play rough sex

Sometimes we girls start playing hard to get because we are asking for rough sex. Few people would dare to say: “I want you to take me by force,” so we are trying to orchestrate the desired situation. And I won’t lie: it turns me on. Sometimes even more than regular sex, when a partner whispers all sorts of endearments in our ears and caresses us as if we were made of porcelain or something even more fragile.

Instead, we want him to push us against the wall or throw us to the floor, bite into the elastic of our panties and twist our wrists so that it hurts even a little. By the way, about pain. In one clever book on BDSM, I came across a mention of the so-called “endorphin theory”, which explains why people, in principle, get high from harsh treatment. It's all about the surge of endorphins (“hormones of happiness”), with which the human body reacts to painful sensations. In short, you may not be a BDSM person, but such games are almost always a flurry of new sensations and a splash of a whole cocktail of hormones.

Elena Malakhova

Sexologist, psychotherapist

Do you know why films with elements of sexual violence are especially popular? “50 Shades of Gray”, “Diaries of a Nymphomaniac”, “Tie Me Up” - the premiere screenings in cinemas were sold out. I myself attended one of them out of professional curiosity. There were people among the spectators different ages, but mostly women. Why is the topic of sexual violence so attractive to them?

While counseling a wide variety of patients, I found that for every second of them, the scenario of sexual violence was relevant and desirable. Why? They themselves could not explain it. It just excited them. But they interpreted the very concept of “violence” differently.

Make-believe violence

50 shades

Women who came to a sexologist’s office with their problems would like to submit to a man both in everyday life and in bed. But their decent, liberal and modern husbands, as a rule, could not give them this. And ordinary sex in the traditional version seemed insipid to these ladies.

Those who like submission in sex have certain characteristics of psychosexual development. For the most part, these are infantile women who specifically go through stages of development of their sexuality and get stuck in the platonic phase (the stage of falling in love, spiritual intimacy). They have no idea what they want from sex and relationships.

Their model of behavior was formed under conditions of strict upbringing in parental family and various taboos. As a rule, these are girls who grew up in conditions of emotional deprivation. Families of this type are called closed. They do not exchange information with other communities, avoid any contacts, reducing them to formal ones, and carefully protect the internal space of the family from outside interference. In such family systems there are rules and a strict hierarchy of power. As a result of numerous prohibitions and silences, the girl does not have the correct model of sexual behavior or it is greatly distorted. The main message from the parents to the child is “be an obedient girl,” which she successfully implements as an adult. She wants to obey, to submit. Pain, pleasure and love are welded into a single conglomerate in such women. No pain means no love.

Secretary

Often women, when fantasizing about violence, confuse the concepts. What they really want is not actual sexual violence, but rough, expressive sex. Remember the Australian film “The Little Death”, where the heroine of one of the stories asked her man to take her by force. And when he hired actors dressed as robbers for this, she got scared and backed down.

What is the difference between sexual violence and rough sex with elements of violence? Violence is forced sex. And when your fantasies come true, even if they contain elements of hardcore, then this is sex by mutual consent.

When we talk about the BDSM subculture, we are not talking about sexual coercion at all. There is even a special sign indicating “stop” - I can’t do it anymore, stop. It's funny that group psychotherapy also has such a stopping sign. And the presenter at the first session must report it. It is used if the participant is not yet ready to talk about something, the topic is too painful for him. There are a number of rules that clearly regulate the behavior of the “master” and the “subordinate”.

How normal is it to have such addictions and preferences in sex? It all depends on the severity of the manifestations. If we're talking about about elements of violence - handcuffs, slaps on the buttocks and other fetish, then this more like a game, which allows you to diversify long-term sexual relationships. If a woman likes to be beaten, tortured in a sophisticated manner, and without real pain she cannot enjoy sex, then we are talking about sexual deviation.

Violence for real

Red Riding Hoods

Let's remember the plot: the mother persistently sends a little girl into the forest alone and puts a red cap on her head so that the wolf will definitely notice her. And the girl walks alone through the dark forest to her grandmother, who lives on the outskirts with the door open, waiting for adventure...

Many psychotherapists, psychoanalysts, and even Eric Berne himself have dealt with the psychological interpretation of this plot. The hidden meaning of this fairy tale is that “Little Red Riding Hood,” violating official prohibitions, provokes a man into aggression and bad deeds, as if asking for punishment. As a result, the man, aka the “wolf,” being led into provocation, himself becomes the victim of the hunter.

The “Little Red Riding Hood” scenario refers to one of the manifestations of victimization. Victimization (from Latin victim - victim) is behavior that automatically puts you in a risk zone, making you a victim of external circumstances. Often this provocative behavior is reproduced on an unconscious level. It is these women who most often become victims of real rape. Of course, blaming the victim is a terrible sin (she had the right to walk at any time, anywhere, even in just a hat), and everyone will condemn and even punish the rapist. But this will not make it any easier for the victim.

The origins of this behavior, of course, lie in the family. As a rule, “Little Red Riding Hoods” are girls who grew up without a father, and the mother was so preoccupied with the organization of her personal life that she did not dream of sending her daughter away to the “forest”. Accordingly, the girl was unable to receive love and attention from the family and form the correct behavior patterns. Therefore, “Little Red Riding Hood” deliberately attracts attention to itself. In her mind, there are two fairly straightforward concepts of love: “to love = desire” and “to love = to regret.” Therefore, this tale could not do without the notorious Karpman triangle: victim, pursuer, rescuer. The victim is “Little Red Riding Hood” (a woman

Think about it, how much of your height in a pickup truck depends on what girls tell you? How often did your behavior in a relationship depend not on your desires, thoughts and plans, but on what the girl inspired in you? Should I ask the girl about her desires and sex in the future? Most of us guys will have to admit with regret that often the reasons for our actions are not dictated by our own desires, but are born in the head of the woman who was nearby at that moment. Most guys have been accustomed since childhood to consider women the same people as we men are. We have been instilled with the habit of obeying our mother, grandmother, and teacher at school, accepting their thoughts and desires as our own, and often even putting them above our own desires or needs.

Don't think that I don't like women or consider them worse than men. Not at all. I love women, I love them very much, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading these lines now. And it is this love that gradually drives a man in his desire to understand the essence of female behavior, to unravel its riddles and secrets, to find out the whole truth. And the sad truth is that those who in relationships obey the fair sex in everything, are considered weaklings by them and very often have big problems in my personal life. Girls will never desire a good boy as much as an independent stubborn guy who plays by his own rules. There are a lot of examples of this.

Women can be smart and stupid, mediocre and talented, just like men. Whatever they say about funny female logic, many women will give any man a head start here. And it's true. But! And here, I hope, I will not reveal the secret for you, but will simply reduce to a single denominator everything that you yourself noticed in women’s behavior, words, and whims. Have you ever noticed that even the smartest and most talented people lose all their intelligence when it comes to the realm of personal relationships? Why did the smart, well-read and logically infallible botanist and his female synonym - the crammer, the girl who is called the “bluestocking”, become a symbol for young people of failure in their personal lives? What I'm talking about now also applies to us guys. But this is especially typical for lovely ladies.

The main mistake of men

One of the first mistakes of a beginning pick-up artist is that he transfers the property of female rationality and equality to the male sex from the sphere of everyday and official relationships to the path of love. To an inexperienced person it seems that the best way finding out a person’s desires, his readiness for this or that action of yours will become directly asked question. In ordinary life - yes. But not in matters of love. This is the reason for many failures in the seduction process. You start asking the girl’s opinion, listening to her answers. At the same time, you rely on logic and think that if a girl went on a date with you and she likes you, then to your natural question, whether you can kiss her, she should answer in the affirmative. What a cruel disappointment awaits you if you do this! In most cases, the answer to such a question will be a categorical “no.” This behavior of yours can become a serious obstacle to sex in the future, for example, after a series of dates you invite a friend to your home and declare that it’s time to have sex. You think that it’s all over, since she’s dating you, and your passion will definitely agree to your proposal to please each other and get even closer. Instead, you receive a resounding slap in the face or hear an indignant exclamation: “What are you doing! I'm not like that! At best, they will reproachfully inform you that it is too early and you will feel like a beggar, over whose outstretched hand they held a hundred dollars, but never tossed them.

At the same time, the girl will want kisses, sex and communication absolutely as much as you do, but in matters of intimate relationships, nature greatly distorts her behavior and logic. Hormones are boiling in the blood, taking the form of pride, inaccessibility, flirting and similar feminine things. In fact, all this is aimed at attraction and rejection at the same time. Nature thereby tests you for strength, the presence of a masculine core, independence, and the ability to overcome obstacles. Strength and determination are expected from the male, but the female in this game is prey. Does anyone in nature ask the victim's opinion? No. By not acting on your own instinct, like a strong male, but by begging for permission to kiss a girl, you put yourself on her level, lowering yours. The owner will not ask permission for anything, but will simply take it.

Don't ask, but do

If you think that your “brazen” attempts to kiss or have sex will anger the girl or make her run away, then I feel sorry for you, you won’t see sex for a long time. Of course, some girls will react negatively to your advances, but if proper preparation soil and beautiful courtship, soon enough the strategy of “acting without asking permission” will lead you to success in seduction. If you walk around with your hand outstretched, begging for sex as handouts, then you will only be lucky by chance.

Well, quickly remember a couple of stories where the heroine would be wildly delighted and excited by a character constantly asking her opinion and begging for kisses. Doesn't work? There are no such stories. The world is full of love stories about guys who made girls feel like real women, awakening all their tenderness, and not once did these heroes of women's dreams ask permission to kiss, undress or touch a lady.

Thus, constantly consulting with your partner about relationships and wondering whether it is possible to do such and such, you will definitely sooner or later fall into the category of those who are unsure of themselves mama's boys, cute boys who make friends and let you carry your briefcase on the way from school. But they will never see you in erotic dreams, they will not whisper about you with their friends. (You can learn much more about seduction by starting to read the book “the game” by Neil Strauss.)

Conclusion

I hope you learned a useful lesson from all that was said. When courting, the main indicator of the correctness of your actions towards a girl should not be her words, but your feeling of comfort and, first of all, you should obey her. In most cases, when you feel good and have fun, the companion next to you experiences very similar emotions. And vice versa, if there is a sour-faced chick sitting next to you, you will not have the desire to kiss her or drag her towards you. Resisting your advances, but not walking away, agreeing to new meetings with you, the woman gives you carte blanche, wants to see your determination, how you want her and whether you can lead her. And if you don’t ask, but confidently lead her along, then she will give you her hand, her heart, and her body.