A real comeback: Secrets of returning a departed partner. Leave to come back... and leave again
A real comeback will occur only when certain actions are performed by the driven partner. Precisely a slave. And it is he who, in the event of separation, determines the future fate of the relationship.
Returning Strike Scheme
A comeback begins for almost all separated couples, with the exception of those where the driven partner does not let go of the leading one, but continues to stick together. If the follower calmly let go of the leader who wanted to leave, did it in an environmentally friendly, beautiful way, then, sooner or later, the leader tries to get in touch.
The leading partner tries to assess the condition of the slave without contacting him.
He needs this in order to close the gestalt. Yes, people broke up, but they still had doubts, questions, and sometimes they still had a desire to replay everything and fix it. Moreover, this is the goal of both the one who is trying to return and the one to whom they are returning.
The leading partner wants to free himself from the painful feeling of guilt for leaving, make sure that he left for good reason and calm down.
What can he do? Monitor a page on social networks, find out something about your ex through friends, and the like.
The most correct behavior of an abandoned partner after a breakup is an information vacuum.
There is no need for tearful statuses, sad poems or deliberately cheerful photos. It is better if the pages on social networks remain the same as the departed partner last saw them.
The goal is to prevent your departed partner from learning anything new about you.
He should not understand what state you are in now. What do you think, what are you doing? When the departed partner begins to monitor the situation, he does this in order to make sure that he did everything correctly, and at the same time to make sure that he did not do something “too much”. And his abandoned partner did not “kill himself.”
By not giving him information, the driven partner provokes an imbalance in the leader’s picture of the world. And the leader must remain unbalanced further. If the presenter sees or finds out how much you suffer for him already at this stage, there will be no comeback.
At the same time, as I already said, after a break in relations between partners, the energy channel. I will tell you later how to work with the channel correctly. But certain actions need to be performed already at this stage.
Having not received information, the leading partner makes indirect contact.
He makes "handouts".
A “give” is a small friendly gesture in your direction: a call, an SMS, a like, a comment under your photos or notes, hello and other romantic nonsense.
The purpose of the leader’s “handout” is not to return the relationship, but to get rid of one’s own imbalance.
Therefore, the stupidest thing you can do is to let the leading partner understand something about yourself.
There is no need to respond to “handouts”!
“Handouts” are not timid attempts to win you back, no. This is just one way to twitch the energy channel, gain energy and remain right.
Don't answer!
Let the lead partner think about why you are not responding. You died, you went to the seaside with a new partner, you go on dates, you quietly whining, locked yourself in the apartment and don’t want to see anyone? The lead partner should not know anything about you.
And if he doesn’t know, then, even if he doesn’t want it himself, he will think about it. He doesn't know why you became quiet. And it should remain in the same state further.
Having not received information, the leading partner makes direct contact.
And again, not in order to start a new relationship with you, but only to clarify for myself an incomprehensible state. Therefore, the strategy is the same - no information.
No information means no information. “Fuck you!”, “I’m fine” - this is also information. The presenter is very sensitive to this kind of statement. And he will immediately draw conclusions about your condition, your attitude towards it, confirm some of his internal guesses and leave. He's already made his decision and just wants to make sure he's right. So, don't let him be convinced.
Not letting him be convinced means building a dialogue, all the answers to his questions based on the principle of evasion. Since you couldn’t restrain yourself from answering. Then you need to elude direct answers, give vague answers, try not to give him any obvious reaction. No consent, no refusal.
You were sticky in relationships, even when it seemed like you weren't. When throwing out “handouts,” the leading partner has no doubt that he will receive an answer, waits for this answer, does not wait, and this becomes a hook for him. And waiting for an answer is always attention, and attention is energy directed in your direction. Your importance increases. And the next stage comes.
Having received no information, the leading partner attacks.
Attacks from a state of uncertainty. From the feeling that he is being played with, that he is being rejected. He sets hooks for himself and can no longer get rid of them. He needs to logically end the situation, but his ex-partner does not allow him to do this. The presenter gets angry, and thereby pumps up the channel with energy.
In life, this attack usually manifests itself as an invitation to a “conversation”, to a date. Remember that there must be a direct request!
Here again, it is important for the driven partner not to agree to a veiled invitation, to an “agreement of intent,” thinking out phrases and meanings for the leader, and falling into illusions. A direct voiced invitation, that’s the only way. Again, it is advisable to apply the principle of evasion, not to agree immediately, but also not to give an obvious refusal.
Often the one who has reached this stage fails at it. Relaxes. He is relieved to conclude that the person who left has already regretted leaving. He misses you and you need to reassure him that this is mutual. What if he dreams of returning, but is afraid that no one is waiting for him? Slave partners immediately conclude that the comeback has taken place and they will be made an offer to renew the relationship.
Although they are usually offered friendship. Friendzone. Sometimes friendship and sex.
At the attack stage, the driven partner will hear from the leader both regret, and words of love, and a note of sadness, and assurances that they missed you. And the follower crawls away, takes everything at face value. And the presenter, although he says that he misses and loves, does not offer anything. And this does not mean that he is waiting for an offer from you, it means that the presenter is trying to unhook the hooks, and the maximum that he can offer is communication at a distance.
It is better to refuse the offer to “talk”. Silently, without explanation. But if you have already agreed to a date, then you need to refuse friendship offers.
Even if it seems to you that you have already calmed down and are ready to be friends. Even if you think a friendship would be good for you, don't settle for a friendship if you've recently been dumped. Otherwise, the leading partner will again become the one you cling to, beg and beg for love. And they don’t offer you love, they offer you friendship. The presenter has not forgotten anything, and understands what you want. But he only recently left this, and has no plans to return.
At the same time, the less the leading partner knows about your experiences and thoughts, the better. There should still be the same information vacuum in social networks. Any information for the leading partner is a reason to end the situation in his favor. As soon as the leading partner is convinced of something, he will draw unambiguous conclusions and disappear.
Therefore, you need to remain silent and not express emotions. Avoidance is also an emotion. It is better to stick to the same tactics - evasion. Neither yes nor no.
The driven partner at this stage is still weak to adequately confront the leading partner. Usually the follower is still easy to read and predict. But only because he himself gives the key to his condition to the presenter.
"Proposal" stage
The proposal is to START everything from scratch. Not to continue in order to pay off some old debts, get rid of feelings of guilt, convey something to you and clarify for yourself, namely START. And not just an offer, but a willingness to convince you of this. And the leader himself is the initiator of new relationships, without putting this step on you.
It is important to understand this. If there is a fear that everything will happen again and you will be abandoned again, then it is better to refuse. Because they will quit. Even more harsh and cynical. Because if there is fear, it is again a sticky energy that will take over again.
The follower is still weak, anxious and in need of guarantees and oaths. The leader is the leader because he can leave the relationship when it is required. And a follower is a follower because he is afraid. He is afraid that he will be abandoned again, he is afraid to rush, he is afraid to ruin everything again, he is afraid, on the contrary, that he will do and say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Here you need to understand that if the leader wants to start over, he will be able to convince the follower and will find a hundred ways to do this. But if he is not yet entirely sure of this, the active actions of the follower can again break the situation. Therefore, the follower at this stage does not need to take steps forward, does not need to fuss and take on the role of captain of the ship.
A real comeback: Secrets of returning a departed partner
Often followers do not reach the “Proposal” stage, breaking the scheme at the “returning blow” stage.
Because a real comeback happens when the subjective importance of the former slave partner seriously increases, when the former leader becomes a stable follower. Or the relationship in a couple is balanced so that both partners become equal rivals in strength.
A slave partner can become equal in strength to the leader only if he:
- will become disidentified
- separated from the leader,
- will define its boundaries and learn to maintain them without merging,
- and will also begin to pump up his resources and manifest his Ego.
Scheme of a real comeback. Let's go point by point.
Disidentification.
After the first emotions from the separation have subsided, both the departed partner and the one who was left continue to interact through an energy channel that persists even after the breakup.
In 100% of cases, the driven partner continues to pump the channel with his energy, constantly thinking about the situation and dreaming that the one who left will return to him.
Going against the facts, without recognizing them, the driven partner MAKES PLANS for a life together and a future with the leading partner. The follower is identified with the leader, perceives himself as one with him, as an inseparable being.
Continuing to think and identify himself with the departed, the follower continues to give the energy of attention to the leading partner. And he accepts her favorably. That’s why for one, after breaking up, “things are going uphill,” while the other is in a difficult psychological state.
Therefore, at the first stage, immediately after parting, the main thing is to disidentify.
Accept the fact that non-reciprocal love is normal, it happens to everyone, including you, and it doesn’t mean that you are somehow different, it means that a person needs something different.
Accept the fact that life together it won’t – with this particular person – it won’t.
Understand that you and he are two DIFFERENT people, whose history together has ALREADY ended.
Understand that the main thing you need to do in a situation of a breakup is to maintain self-respect and force the person who left you to respect you.
You can respect a person who does not humiliate himself and does not immediately begin to talk profusely about what tormented him in the relationship, explain some of his actions, blame the leader, or try to show him that he is right that he abandoned him. You can respect a person who can withstand blows with dignity, but parting is always a blow for the driven partner.
You can respect a person who does not rush like a dog at a bone at the leader’s first desire to test the waters. There is nothing surprising in the fact that the departed person wants to part ways as human beings, preferably in friendship. But this does not mean that you immediately need to grab him by the throat again, pull him back and burden him with your emotions.
You can respect a person who does not twitch. Who does not answer at length about how he feels after the breakup with the banal “How are you?” Who got rid of it when he was told to get rid of it.
You can respect a person who clearly understands that in this story, at this stage, he lost. A stronger opponent. That he was abandoned, considered unfit and unnecessary. BUT it is not fatal! This can be corrected if you do not fall into illusions. If you don't get stuck in a situation tightly.
You can respect a person who understands that his partner has left and that he needs to be freed from his image by any means necessary. Otherwise, such “love” will keep him under the plinth for a long time.
Separation.
Imagine yourself in this situation. You've lived for...eleven years and then an incomprehensible appendage grows on you that you can't get rid of. He is constantly with you, he interferes and you feel how he grows more and more and takes more and more from you vital energy. Your immune system cannot cope with the infection, you are nervous, afraid of it spreading throughout your body, and you are thinking about how to get rid of it.
Now imagine that the leader feels the same way when the sticky follower clings to him. In both cases, it helps to “cut off.”
It’s the same in relationships. Correct Behavior after parting - to separate, separate from the leader. Physically. Psychologically. Territorially.
Rip yourself out like a sick tumor from another. And only then will the presenter think about returning.
You can return to the one who accepted the challenge and extracts OPPORTUNITIES from the situation! Instead of shedding snot and tears all day long. There are always opportunities to upgrade your personality after a breakup! Everyone has. Not many people use this. Many feel sorry for themselves and refuse to accept reality.
You can return to the one who is disidentified, separated and is an independent figure, and not an interfering outgrowth. To someone who does not doubt his ability to keep himself from stickiness. He's addicted. From falling into an emotional hole if suddenly something goes wrong. Nothing holds you like detachment.
You can return to someone who does not depend on this person and is not afraid that he will suddenly disappear, to someone who is simply interested in what is happening at the moment. This cannot be done from the slave state.
Therefore it is necessary
Designating your borders and maintaining them without merging.
It means doing the right things again.
After all, what is the reason for the wrong actions of the slave partner? He says “I love” and immediately begins to reproach, blame, ask for something, wait. As soon as he honestly said “I love you,” his pain, his hunger, his melancholy immediately made itself felt. The leader seems to turn to face the follower, but immediately gets hit by him.
But as soon as the follower accepts, as a guide to action, the fact that it is impossible to blame the departed partner and ask him for something, he immediately set boundaries between them.
He does not ask for another, does not demand, and, therefore, does not invade his borders.
But this is not enough. You need to physically leave, that is, completely indicate your own independence.
Don’t stay nearby as a “silent reproach,” don’t wait for something, don’t hope, don’t try to explain and convey something. Do not call or write.
And even if the presenter is active, do not blame, do not put pressure, do not ask, do not burden with claims. All. You are an independent person, you remain within your boundaries and deal with your own problems.
Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of calling their ex to explain that they no longer want something with him and for that reason. Forgetting that their opinion was not asked! And thereby they only make things worse for themselves, provoking the presenter to even greater contempt.
But if you don’t rush, don’t get too excited, then the behavior of the driven partner, who has suddenly regained his boundaries, becomes a hook for the leader. The channel turns towards the slave. The leader, without even wanting to, begins to give the energy of attention to the follower. The image of a follower in the eyes of the leader becomes attractive again.
And the more tightly the follower sits within his boundaries, the greater the chance for the follower to become a full-fledged partner.
But there is one thing. If the follower is seduced by the leader’s small handouts, and constantly creeps out of his own boundaries and violates others’, then a couple of such returns are enough for the leader to leave and not return.
Therefore, if a follower is trying to regain his self-respect, he should not be fooled by the leader’s cheap handouts.
There is no need to imagine that the presenter’s handouts like “Hello! How are you?" or is an emoticon something more than an attempt to test the waters for “Hey, are you there? Am I dead?”
I'll repeat it again. Slipping away. For any question, smiley or like - slipping away. The fear of not answering, remaining silent, not answering right away is the same addiction. The desire to answer and thereby give the presenter certainty is not an understanding of how weak your position is. The desire to be available to the presenter at any time of the day is the belief that you can somehow influence him with such behavior.
Pumping resources.
Instead of whining and self-pity, the follower should start pumping up his resources. Direct energy to what was abandoned during the relationship. Get into work, learn new things that you haven’t gotten around to, go travel. Find an ALTERNATIVE to your former relationship.
An alternative relationship will allow you to draw boundaries between two former partners.
The alternative is to force him to allocate energy to it. Which means taking her away from her ex-partner.
Many people are unable to eat when they are in a state of rupture, much less find something new and interesting to do. But that's exactly what needs to be done. Through force. The simplest alternative is sports. There is no need to invent anything. Put on your sneakers and run.
Manifestation of the Ego.
Many, very many consider the Ego to be something shameful, unnecessary, interfering with life, they fight it in every possible way, just so as not to manifest themselves. Considering yourself to be the lowest person on earth.
I have a different opinion. Ego is our most best friend. It is the Ego that prevents us from becoming psychological slaves (although not for everyone). It is the Ego that protects us from our crazy mind, from the pressure and influence of society. From conflicting desires, from imposed passions.
Only by showing the Ego does a person become attractive and harmonious. And only by beginning to show the Ego can a person return to the relationship.
So what to do if the comeback has gone through a full cycle and the quitter talks about love and proposes serious relationship. It's up to you to decide.
If you have enough internal resources, if you are sure that you won’t slip back into addiction, try it.
There is a high probability that the leader is the leader, that sooner or later he will regain his position, and you will again find yourself in a situation of breaking up the relationship.
There is also a possibility that the shock of leaving for the follower became so strong that he worked very well on the manifestation of the Ego, and then the relationship continues in balance.
Everything will depend on the actions and states of the former wingman.
It's a rare person who hasn't experienced at least one breakup in their life. And few people have not initiated a breakup at least once.
There is such a curious psychological phenomenon. Let's say you leave. You leave and then begin to suffer from feelings of guilt and regret about your former partner. You wander around like this for a while and come back. In order to then, after a day, a week, a month, a year, leave again. This time without sorrow and regret. And never come back again.
What is this?
Psychologically, this phenomenon can be explained very simply.
When a person leaves for the first time, he takes with him memories of all the good things that happened in this relationship. The second time - about everything bad.
The first departure is rarely conscious. More often it occurs “on emotions” of resentment, anger or self-pity. The second care is reasonable.
For the first time, it seems to a person that everything can still be returned. In the second, after an unsuccessful attempt, the understanding comes that this is impossible.
For the first time, a person understands that if everything goes well, he has a chance to return. In the second, even the most self-confident type will wonder whether they will forgive.
And finally, when leaving for the first time, a person leaves the energetic connection unbroken; the second time, as a rule, he breaks it completely and closes the door for himself forever.
It's all the assemblage point's fault!
The assemblage point is a concept invented by Carlos Castaneda and put into the mouth of the legendary Don Juan.
The assemblage point is also a psychological term that denotes the beginning of a path or a key milestone in a person’s life.
During life, the assemblage point shifts several times. The reason is dramatic changes in life or a change in the direction of personal development. For example, for a school student the assemblage point may be September 1, and for a physics and mathematics student it may be the day of choosing a profession. And even after becoming a gray-haired professor, this student will still follow his own path from the day when he said to himself - I will become a great mathematician. The emergence of new desires and goals also implies a shift in the assemblage point. And it’s bad for those who don’t have them at all. It’s the same as not having a home or driving in an unknown direction without remembering where your journey began. And it’s even worse not to realize that it’s high time to change the assemblage point.
A man leaves his first family and creates a second. But psychologically he still continues to consider his first wife his own. That is, his assemblage point regarding the second family still remains where it was before - at the moment of the decision to marry for the first time. He didn't start new life, but simply made the second family a logical continuation of the first.
What does this mean? For him - a colossal loss of energy, a constant feeling of guilt and pity for the first family, emotional infringement of the second, a feeling that you are being torn apart and, finally, a nervous breakdown or psychosomatic illness.
For the first wife - the impossibility of separating herself from this person, becoming internally free, gaining independence, taking responsibility for herself, and therefore creating new family and, ultimately, also start living again. On the physical plane - depletion of the nervous and immune system, due to the fact that the departed husband continues to energetically feed it, and therefore deprives it of the opportunity to develop its own energy potential.
For the second wife - a feeling of inferiority in her marriage, jealousy and claims towards her husband, a lack of understanding of her role and place, and also a probable departure into illness.
The same thing can happen to a woman. In this case, pity for the first husband, increased interest in his personal life, the desire to take an emotional part in it, in a word: “Khobotov, I must give you to good hands" Need I say that such a “set aside, but not completely released” first husband will hope for the return of his wife until the end of his days? Or, he will break off relations with her in an angry and aggressive manner.
What to do about it?
Help a person become aware of their assemblage point. Make you reconsider your life positions and sort out your priorities.
This is most difficult for weak people to do. By leaving the assemblage point where it was, they create the illusion that everything is the same and they are not to blame for anything. This position is more selfish than reasonable. And most importantly, by doing this they doom the relationship with the new partner to the same mistakes that were made in the first marriage.
The most interesting thing is that moving the assemblage point does not at all exclude a person’s responsibility to previous partners (if, of course, this responsibility is objective). It’s just that in one case a person feels obligated in life, and in the second, he simply makes payments on a loan he once carelessly took. Psychologically, you will agree, it is much easier.
Back and forth... back.
And then there are couples that fall apart and come back together all the time. And the logic of the relationship is such that if a person leaves and returns again at least twice, then this is no longer a separation of partners, but a unique form of leisure.
For this couple, life without betrayal, quarrels and separations is as bland and tasteless as soy products. True, in an attempt to diversify their life due to the wedding and divorce drive, they take great risks. After all, while one is walking free, the other may simply not wait for him. Both understand this, but it seems they can no longer cope without the intensity of passions. This behavior is essentially an addiction. In the future, when the couple no longer has the opportunity to maintain this style of relationship, they may slide into mutual reproaches, remembering each other’s old sins, or break up completely. All this would be nice if it did not resemble the relationship between a masochist and a sadist with a constant change of roles.
If you try it on yourself without fear, you are at risk.
Where does this behavior come from? Typically, this is the behavior of infantile and weak-willed people who experienced the trauma of rejection and pathological love in childhood. Most likely, their unrestrained parents grabbed the belt for any offense and severely punished the children, and then felt sorry for them, kissed them, and asked for forgiveness. The child learned that mom or dad are the kindest after acts of cruelty, and was ready to endure this for the sake of subsequent encouragement. In the future, this stereotype manifests itself in relationships with a partner. “He hits – it means he loves”, “the stronger the quarrel, the sweeter the reconciliation” - stereotypes that give rise to such childhood traumas.
Fight this within yourself if you don’t want to turn your life into a battlefield.
Mental departure and return.
Almost all people who separated and created new couples experience it. And if you say that you didn’t have this, you are lying.
One fine day you come home dead tired and see your newly acquired treasure lying on the sofa and watching a stupid cartoon while “Depeche Mode” screams throughout the house. The sink is full of unwashed dishes, and the refrigerator has been destroyed with a three-day supply of food. And in response to your request to give you a massage, he mumbles something about unimaginable fatigue. You pour yourself some tea, go out onto the balcony, look at the moving ribbon of the highway and ask yourself one single question: “Wasn’t it better with the one I left for this scoundrel?”
This is mental departure and return.
Because very soon, after smoking a couple of cigarettes and brushing away the tears that have come, you return from the balcony, meet his loving gaze, full of tenderness, and say to yourself: “God, what a fool I am! Well, of course, it’s not better...”
Leave to return.
And it happens that a person leaves and returns.
And this is a natural and happy ending to almost half of the breakup stories. And this is not a phenomenon, but just life!
But leaving and realizing that it was in vain is half the trouble. It is much more difficult and psychologically traumatic to return without moral losses.
If you're coming back?
Before you go asking someone else for forgiveness, forgive yourself. Every person has the right to make mistakes - you too.
Don't humiliate yourself. It is easier for your partner to forgive and forget your departure than your humiliation. There is nothing worse than a woman or man kneeling and humiliatingly asking for forgiveness. Don’t stoop to this, because you’ll have to live with it in the future.
If your partner sets counter conditions for you, agree, but offer to reconsider them after some time. Resentment makes people ambitious and cruel. It is possible that your partner’s demands are dictated by a desire to punish you. In order not to turn your entire subsequent life into the execution of punishment, postpone the conversation until the passions have subsided.
If your partner’s new demands are completely unacceptable to you, refuse them immediately. Don’t hope that now everything will “endure and fall in love.” Or that when you return you will be able to retract your words. Of course you can, but will it be beautiful? Why lay the groundwork for future conflict from day one?
You are only to blame for acting harshly, and not for all the sins of humanity. And your partner may have a desire to outweigh them on you. So, remember that you had a reason to leave. After all, something pushed you to take this step? And if your partner takes advantage of his position, remind him too.
If you left for a reason, but for another person, make sure that your men do not meet. Try not to talk badly about him, although your partner may insist on it. Don’t stoop to comparisons and stories about how it was there and why you realized it was time to return. An interesting phenomenon - a man is more likely to forgive you for a serious relationship and love for another than for a banal “binge”.
After leaving, life begins again. And this is important for both of you to remember. If your entire future life will be compensation for your wrong action, is it worth returning? Returning is not a reason to continue the conflicts that existed before you left. And in general, you can only come back when you are confident in your ability to correct mistakes and make your life better!
How to leave a second time.
Let's say you came back and realized it was a mistake. Nothing, it happens. Of course, it’s a pity that you didn’t understand this earlier and “go by the feelings” of your partner, but after all, your life is yours and who you live with is up to you. Put aside the guilt. Look at the situation differently - you gave him and yourself a chance, but you failed to take advantage of it. Explain this calmly and this time try to leave completely. If you lived together, collect all your things. If he leaves your house, take the keys and make it clear that this is forever. In the secondary break, it is very important to avoid halftones and omissions. If there is a third person in your relationship, you should not call him before the door closes behind the first partner. Stay alone for a while, put your thoughts and feelings in order. Decide on your future life. Announce to your loved ones, without going into explanations and omitting details, that you have broken up again, and this time completely. Move on with your life and try not to forget the lesson you learned from this situation.
He left, she left, he came, she came...
If your husband or boyfriend leaves you and comes back to you again, accept and forgive. But don't expect it to last forever. Indicate to yourself and to him that this is only an attempt to restore the relationship, which may end in failure. The simpler and calmer you are about what is happening, the easier it will be for both of you. Don’t put pressure on him, don’t demand promises, don’t take revenge with jealousy and scandals. Reflect on your mistakes. After all, something prompted him to leave.
If your man announced his return to his previous family or to your predecessor, do not keep him. Accept it as a fact, but try to stay with it good relations. Ask the offense to be silent and calmly tell him that your home and heart are always open to him. Don't call or seek meetings with him. Don’t go to great lengths and don’t try to immediately find someone else. Wait. It may very well be that he left in order to finally burn his bridges there and return to you.
Well, to finally leave...
The phenomenon described in this article is hardly realized by most people, but everyone subconsciously knows or guesses about it. And this risks the fact that we ourselves begin to provoke our partners to walk in circles.
How do you understand that a man has come to you forever and is not going to return to his previous relationship?
He acted decisively and openly.
- He immediately introduced you to his friends and relatives.
- He doesn't hide anything from you, and his phone is always on.
- He doesn’t remember his first partner in front of you, and you feel that he doesn’t remember about himself either.
- His plans and dreams for the future are dedicated to you, your life together, or at least to him alone.
He can still leave if:
He is tormented by guilt.
- You are not sure that he does not periodically meet with your predecessor.
- He is keeping your relationship secret for now.
- He talks a lot about his former family or girlfriend.
- You don't feel like you're together. And you don’t even feel that he belongs to himself until the end. As if some part of him still belonged to another person.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello! I would be grateful to receive an answer to my question.
I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 8 months. Entering into an alliance with him, I felt sympathy, nothing more, I was pleased to be with him, to receive signs of attention and care from him. But I didn’t feel in love, I remembered my former lover. Therefore, the attitude towards the current guy was rather consumerist: she often took offense at him over trifles, threw hysterics, talked about former relationship on his own initiative, which, as it turned out, was very unpleasant for my boyfriend.
Time passed and I began to develop feelings for him, I began to treat him with special tenderness and care, and tried to do everything for his well-being.
But about 2 months ago, my boyfriend admitted to me that he doesn’t know what exactly he feels for me and whether he has feelings at all. This really hurt and offended me, I reacted negatively to all this, did not want to understand and help him, but only reproached him and pushed him to break up. He asked us not to break up, to try to figure everything out and make it work. I also looked for answers on various forums, read articles about similar situations, convinced that everything can be returned and not part.
I agreed, everything seemed to return to normal, he began to pay more attention to me, making me happy. But I couldn’t forget what he told me; I constantly thought that the person next to me didn’t feel anything.
I constantly reminded him of those words and reproached him. And three weeks ago I felt that he was colder towards me than before. She raised this issue, again reproached, accused. As a result of the conflict, he suggested breaking up, I agreed, but after a short period of time I wrote to him with a proposal to restore the relationship, holding him back with tears, hysterics, and requests. He agreed to return everything.
But less than three days passed and the young man, without taking into account my opinion, independently decided to break up with me, arguing that before, although he did not have strong and vivid feelings for me, he had hope to restore everything, but now his hope is gone under the weight of my reproaches and scandals.
We didn’t communicate for about a week and after this time the guy himself wrote that he didn’t want to be without me, he wanted to get back into the relationship, I agreed.
A week later the story repeated itself, he left me again for the same reason. I don’t know what to do, wait for him to return on his own or do something to push him towards this, is it possible to return his feelings and restore the relationship, because my feelings for him have only grown during this time.
Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Cherkasova answers the question.
Hello, Elena. Your story is clear. Unfortunately, you did not write how old your boyfriend is. But judging by his actions, he is either your age or not much older than you. Now you are in such age period when, through trial and error, you are looking for a person who would suit you for your future life. Your letter is written correctly not only in spelling, but also in presentation style. I think you read a lot. Most likely you have a certain image " ideal man", with whom you compare young people. Probably, the image you came up with changes as you gain life experience (“Time passed and I began to develop feelings for him, I began to treat him with special tenderness and care, I tried to do everything for his well-being”). I think that both you and your boyfriend are “growing” in your relationship, maturing.
You ask what you should do now to push him to return. I think that this is not worth doing, there is no need to artificially create such a situation so that he returns to you. If he doesn't come back, you will feel rejected. If he returns, you will forever have doubts about the voluntariness and sincerity of his action. There is a wonderful Russian proverb: “You can’t be nice by force.” You change, you become wiser in relationships. And either the current young man will see this for himself and return to you, or you will meet someone else who will appreciate you for who you are.
Question for a psychologist:
Good day! My name is Albert. I have this problem. My wife left me two years ago. We have a 4 year old daughter. She left me for my ex-friend. They started living together, he constantly beat her. She returned three times in the first month, he came for her and she ran away again. Then she stopped bothering me for about six months, then she started calling again and wanted to get back together, but I no longer believed her and was very offended. I set the condition that she should wait for me for a year and not date anyone and went into the army to take her mind off everything. At the same time, he hinted in every possible way with his behavior that I would take a look, think about it, maybe. I came back from the army and found out that she was dating someone else, but she didn’t tell me anything. I was jealous, but I slowly got over it, found a girl, I felt good, but then my wife started pestering me again so that I would return to her. I returned, it seems like the feelings are still there, but the resentment does not go away, she is cold with me, although this was not the case before. I’m constantly jealous, we swear, I’m irritated by her cold attitude towards me and her rare intimacy. I want to leave, but I can’t because of my daughter, although I understand that doing so will only cause harm. I can’t figure it out, it’s going crazy, but she doesn’t care and she doesn’t consider herself guilty (well, she doesn’t tell me). Of course, I understand that I need to somehow calm down, maybe I go too far with jealousy and resentment, but I can’t forget, I don’t trust her, I think that she’s cheating on me, she doesn’t perceive me as a man at all, intimacy is rare and that’s in my opinion initiative (this gives the impression of betrayal). I myself have a soft character, but she is strong-willed. We don’t live together, I can’t make up my mind, although I go to see her every day and usually start expressing my dissatisfaction with her behavior and attitude towards me. I am very angry, I have become very irritable and withdrawn, fixated on her. She offers to move in together, but I'm afraid it will be even worse. She says look for a rented apartment yourself, she won’t look for it. She doesn’t invite me to live with her, she says she’s small and it will be cramped for three of us. I want to restore the family, but I don’t want to constantly swear, she believes that everything should be her way, although she doesn’t tell me openly. I have no trust in her, and she is not at all willing to earn it or refute my suspicions. Please tell me what to do, break up with her or try to live together, or maybe I’m already paranoid and need treatment?
Psychologist Valentina Vasilievna Danilchuk answers the question.
Good afternoon, Albert!
Should you break up or try to live together - you must answer this question yourself.
My task, as a psychologist, is to help you look at the current situation more clearly.
Why did your wife leave you two years ago? What pushes people to cheat? Search for the best.
What didn’t suit your wife in your relationship?
When asked why your wife left, answer objectively and be honest with yourself. After all, both are always to blame in any conflict, because each side did not want to hear the other. And in any conflict, both are always right, because each side tried to convey its position to the other.
Albert, from what you wrote, it’s clear that you and your wife still have at least some kind of relationship. What are they based on? You, Albert, apparently still have feelings for your wife, you yourself agree with this. Describe what those feelings are. Love, habit, affection or something else? What are your wife’s feelings towards you? Love, affection, or is she just comfortable with you?
Now the question facing your relationship is: to converge or not?
Do you both want it?
Or is it only you, Albert, who want this?
Or does only the wife want this?
If only one wants to restore the relationship, you must agree, Albert, it’s hard to row against the tide on your own. Even if the second one not only does not help, but, on the contrary, impedes the flow.
If your desires with your wife coincide with regard to restoring the relationship, then you need to sit down at the “negotiating table” and calmly discuss all your wishes and complaints for each other. No raised voices, no scandals. You are on the way to living together, and not on the way to separation!
In order to avoid a scandal that may arise during a conversation, agree to conduct your negotiations as follows: first, one person expresses in a CALM tone everything that worries and is going on in the soul, while the other just LISTENS. DOES NOT INTERRUPT, DOES NOT COMMENT, DOES NOT MAKE JUSTIFICATIONS! JUST LISTEN!
Then the second of you expresses his position according to the same scheme.
Albert, you write that you would like to leave, but you can’t because of your daughter. At the same time, you understand that this can only cause harm.
Of course, it is good when a child grows up in a complete family with a father and mother. And mom and dad love each other, respect each other, support each other, there is a loving atmosphere in the house, and not screams, scandals...
A child cannot be happy in a complete family, while constantly being in the midst of conflicts between parents. It is fraught with neuroses, and not only. All negative consequences may come back to haunt you in the future, already in adult life Your daughter. The mental health, psychological comfort and happiness of the child in general must be taken care of correctly. Remember this! Rating 4.50 (4 Votes)