The toughest jokes. Comic compliments for men and women (jokes)

Humor is an excellent psychological weapon against bad moods, problems and failures. But point this weapon at loved one- means to weaken it, to take away strength. By becoming a target of ridicule, we spend precious energy defending ourselves from friends, which is necessary for a high-quality attack on our enemies. Of course, you can joke. But it is always worth making sure that such cheerful friendship does not make us weaker.

Story 1: Envy

Marina lost a lot of weight, changed her image and began to promote healthy image life. Men I knew were inspired by the magical metamorphoses: Marina could now be seen more often in beautiful dresses and high heels. But my friends were depressed. And the friends started making fun of the changes. The cup of patience was filled with a drop of oil from pumpkin seeds. At the party, Marina refused cakes in favor of vegetables seasoned with this bright green substance. “Are you now matching the oil to the color of your dress?” - her friend scoffed. Everyone laughed because the shades actually practically matched.

What's happening?

The described situation provides an example of a so-called reverse joke. Unlike others who ridicule shortcomings, the target of the “changeling” changes to the exact opposite - our achievements and virtues. Such humor is quite difficult to accept, because it devalues ​​our results. “With the help of such jokes, a comedian helps himself cope with feelings of envy,” explains psychologist Rina Moiseeva. The following psychological mechanism is at work here: “If I am objective, I will have to admit to myself that I envy someone else’s success, and this feeling will be so strong that it will destroy my self-esteem and self-confidence.” A joke helps to reduce the significance of what is happening and protect oneself by humiliating another.

What to do?

The war against jokes is built on the principle of “like with like.” First, let’s say to ourselves: “My achievements are good, I value them and will not allow anyone to belittle them.” Then we will determine what exactly is the subject of ridicule: appearance, success at work or relationships? And after this, the offender’s message should be formulated: “I’m jealous because you’re slim (beautiful, stylish).” This will be the target of the strike. For example, you can answer like this: “It’s better to have a butter-colored dress than brownie-colored jeans.” A great attack if the offender prefers pink tight pants and avoids the gym. But, you have to admit, he’s a bit rude. It is much better to take the advice of Vadim Petrovsky from his book “Encodes: How to Agree with Anyone About Anything.” Choose any of the encodes given there, but it will work one hundred percent - “it brings you closer together.” He will disarm the attacker with his illogicality.

Story 2: Aggression

Men considered Katya “their boyfriend” - for her love of cynical anecdotes, bold jokes on the verge of a foul, uncompromisingness and harshness. Katya enjoyed honing her sense of humor on those who could not resist her. It all ended when a new girl in the company joked at Katya: “Not only does she have a man’s mind, she also takes after her dad.” To the surprise of those around her, the witty and cheerful Katya did not appreciate the joke.

What's happening?

Any jokes are always an expression of aggression. Its cause could be anything: the struggle for male attention or competition for the title “Queen of Humor”. But in this case, the opponent is not always sincere and can masterfully manipulate the object of jokes. “It’s not customary for us to express our aggression directly and constructively, so it hides behind irony,” explains psychologist Elena Mzhelskaya. “At the same time, it is very convenient to shift the responsibility onto the addressee: they say that he did not understand the joke, overestimated the meaning, and in general is too serious.” It is quite difficult to bring the attacker out into the open: he will simply say that the victim of the joke has no sense of humor.

What to do?

Rina Moiseeva recommends studying the nuances of your reaction to a joke. What do you feel: anger, disappointment, resentment, anger, irritation? Maybe these are the feelings your abuser is experiencing right now. Try asking, without retaliatory aggression or pressure: “Are you okay? Why are you so prickly? But if you have neither the strength nor the desire to practice acceptance, or such a statement has seriously hurt you, you can try to openly sort things out. Say: “Your words offended me very much, please don’t joke like that again.” If the offender is not ready to sincerely admit her guilt and apologize, you can always reduce your relationship with her to a minimum, especially if you are not very close.

Story 3: Rivalry

Alina posted a photo of herself in a microswimsuit on social media and captioned it: “Finally, a perfect flat tummy.” In the first fifteen minutes, the post received 30 likes from men and one comment from best friend Sveta: “Not only has your tummy disappeared, it seems your breasts have disappeared too.” The friends were outraged by such impudence, and Alina only put a smiley face. After all, such situations are normal for relationships between friends.

What's happening?

Relationships between close people are often built on rivalry. “It can be developmental and useful, because it allows you to lose a competitive situation in safe conditions,” explains Rogerian psychologist Tatyana Kapitova. — Friends usually know that if they lose in wits today, they can win back tomorrow. Through these relationships we learn to unconsciously experience the pain of losing control and the triumph of gaining it.” If the participants in the game know the rules, even the darkest and most sarcastic humor is acceptable. But it’s important to tell your friend if her words really offended you.

What to do?

If such friendly sparring is your case, you should look for some truth in the jokes. This technique will work well: reformulate the joke so that it sounds like a positive wish loving person. For example, say in response: “Thank you for your concern, dear, maybe you can lend me your push-up?”

Story 4: Hierarchy

From the first year, the fragile and short Ksyusha was nicknamed Krosich. The girl got used to ridicule about her height and physique, but they were followed by more offensive jokes about her mental abilities. “Silly little thing,” “Today Ksyusha has no meetings, and in principle she has no work,” the friends seriously believed that they were joking with the girl in an affectionate and kind way. She was offended, but soon came to terms with the imposed image of a loser.

What's happening?

Humor often becomes a way to establish hierarchy. It helps you understand who is the “star” among your friends and who is the backup singer. Such jokes are necessary to identify the boundaries of what is permissible. If little Krosic became the big boss, it’s unlikely that anyone would dare to speak out loud about her build and, even more so, her mental abilities. “If a friend began to be ironic about achievements, erudition and intelligence, it means that a theme has appeared in your relationship related to the status and role of each of you,” explains Rina Moiseeva.

What to do?

First, you should find out what is hidden behind such jokes. If a friend makes fun of your failed career, you can ask why she chose this particular topic. Maybe she's sad that she has to go to the office from nine to six, and you can afford to rest. Or she fell in love young man a head shorter than her and now feels the inconvenience of not being able to wear high-heeled shoes? In any case, it is important to verbalize these ulterior motives by asking, “I feel like you’re trying to play the ‘Who’s in charge’ game with me?” And then switch the attention of the “ulcer” to her own life. Or you can put everything in a humorous form: “But I will never grow old: a small dog is a puppy until old age.” Or: “The spool is small, but expensive.”

Heroes who know a lot about sarcasm

• “Pretty girls don’t need to have a sense of humor.”
  Perry Cox, "Scrubs"
• “I thought everyone in this company knew not to make fun of the mistakes of others. If one of your colleagues is incompetent, this is not a reason to constantly remind this idiot that he is a stupid cretin.”
  Louis Litt, "Suits"
• “When I put someone down, I raise them up out of ignorance!”
  Sheldon Cooper, "The Big Bang Theory"
• “You won't hear the world laugh at you if you laugh louder.”
  Jules Cobb, Cougar Town
• “Did I mock you because you are a nurse?” - “We can assume that already - yes.”
  Gregory House, "Dr. House"

TEXT: Olga Denisova

COMPLIMENTS FOR MEN

Oh, are you tough, or was your jacket stolen?

Oh, don't kiss me so much!..

What wine stall do you prefer at this time of day?

And on his mighty chest three hairs seemed like a heap...

How great you blow your nose! You basically don’t have a handkerchief?

Are these your car keys or what?

What a pity that you are finally leaving...

It makes me feel hot when you rub your hands.

Looking at you, I would like to wish you health again!

Are you from the capital? I would never have believed it - don’t swear, don’t be rude, polite...

Do you like me? So make the effort yourself... I won’t run after you for you!

You are so serious and thoughtful - probably from prison?

You make me feel so smart!

You have beautiful lipstick on your shirt.

What is this delicious thing you have left in your beard?

I didn’t even know they made red socks...

Why are you looking at me like that, as if your parents had gone to the dacha?

Is your whole body hairy or just your nostrils?

You are a decent and modest person, but you don’t know how to show it...

Did you intentionally wet your shirt under your arms?

And your coat short sleeve or just old?

Your hands are so rough! You are probably a writer.

How intelligent you are, even the hat is on your head!

Can you drink a second bottle?

You look at me like I'm already naked.

You remind me of the ocean... You make me just as sick.

You are so smart. Doesn't your skull hurt?

It’s so good, reliable, protected with you, and you still have a lot of money left?

COMPLIMENTS FOR LADIES

You know, you are such a household item... like soap.

A girl's legs should be thin, thin, like threads... raised in surprise...

Her kiss was like a sip of warm vodka used to rinse out an ashtray.

Are you a motorist? And your eyes look in different directions - are these, like, turn signals?

I don't understand how a woman can be of interest to a man if she can't take the integral?

You are so beautiful that it’s scary to approach you!

And those plush ear covers give you a mysterious air...

What a wonderful child you have! Is it a cute boy or a scary girl?

Madam, please allow me your pen... otherwise mine doesn’t write...

Madam, don't smile - it's scary.

Girl, you don't wear a miniskirt with a face like that!

With the help of cosmetics you need to emphasize beauty, and not try to create it.

You look great today! You must have been drinking yesterday?

You are, of course, not Venus, but there is something venereal about you.

Doesn't your husband beat you? Or is it your makeup?

Are you flirting with me or just don’t know how to dance?

And you sweat less than any fat woman your age.

You have a wasp-like waist... And your breasts are fake!

I'm not going to grope you at all... I mean, here at the bar.

Have you ever had young people crawl at your feet before?

Girl, let's bet you $100 that I'll invite you to spend the night and you'll refuse?

Oh, girl, where did you get so tanned?.. But you didn’t get tanned here?

Cool perfume... do you really need to marinate in it?

Of all the feminine charms, I see you have only eyes.

Oh, your hair is so wonderful... Just like a wig.

And the legs are like a gazelle! What? Slender? No, they're just as hairy.

And the eyes are like stars... one is higher, the other is lower.

Thank you, everything was very tasty, especially the bread.

What stunning legs! Where did you learn karate?

If it weren't for those charming wrinkles near your eyes, I wouldn't give you more than thirty!

How charmingly your belly button is tied!

Eat and eat, otherwise you’re so skinny, probably no one pays attention to you, you’re so skinny.

Has anyone told you that you are very beautiful? No? Damn, how honest everyone is!

What long legs you have... Especially the left one.

Your beauty can only be compared to your friend's intelligence!

How does this burqa suit you!

Don't be sad, otherwise your breasts won't grow.

You, girl, need to walk on your arms with legs like these!

What size Allways do you wear?

Excuse me, do you believe in love at first sight or should I come back later?

Where did you buy such thin crooked stockings?

So I look at you and think: one more drink, or I already like you...

This hairstyle suits you very well! I can't imagine you being bald at all.

Your linen is so fresh!

Do you brush your teeth with Comet?

You are so flexible! Come on, somersault!

Tell me, is your sister pretty or similar to you?

Girl, your eyes are so big that you could drown in them... And hang yourself on your nose...

Girl, do you speak French?

Madam, you have such perfume... Is it for attack or for self-defense?

No, girl, what are you talking about! You don't seem "a little stupid" to me. You are a little smart!..

Cultural jokes

1. I see you bought new jeans? Finally with a zipper on the front!

2. Did you buy a new cap? It's high time to cover up this mess!

3. Cool haircut! Lost your bet?

4. Are you nervous (angry, sad, dissatisfied, etc.) today? Didn't work out?

5. Cool blouse! Grandma's?

6. I thought that there were only two troubles in Russia, but looking at you I understand that there are three of them!

7. Why are you looking at me like that? Are you hypnotizing?

8. You’re so witty, doesn’t it hurt your forehead?

9. Why are all men such assholes? -Beee...beee...beee-spanyaatiya!

10. How was your weekend? -Go away yourself...

11. Is yours big? -You'll stop fooling around...

12. Can I ask you one question? -Didn’t you just ask it?

13. Why are you so angry? Did you fall off your broom?

14. In line: -Man, will you be the last one? -Are you a girl? Of course I will! Why the last one?

15. Inconvenient is when you beg for it, but you don’t have it.

16. If God had a plan for you, he blew it.

17. To your stomach with cubes, you would also like brains with balls!

18. It’s time for you to get married, but you’re still dating me.

19. You don’t have to take underwear on the train. He lay on one ear and covered himself with the other.

20. Ask Santa Claus for a new brain. You'll still need it, damn it!

21. Only worms admire your inner world!

22. -Girl, why do you eat so much chocolate? Do you think it will help?
23. Call me more often. I am pleased to see your missed one.
24. Thank you, everything was very tasty, especially the bread.
25. You know, you are such a household item... like soap.
26. If I loved annoying people, I would study to be an obstetrician.
27. Girl, are you dressed like this or have you already started undressing?
28. If you were born in Korea, your name would be Kong Jong Eui.
29. - Hey, raw materials for Photoshop...
30. Would you like me to guess what sign you were born under? Stopudovo, under a brick!
31. My friend fell and broke her chin, but it’s not scary, because she has a second one.
32. I see, I see. You're cool! Only steel balls should be in your pants, not in your head. Moreover, they constantly come to you one after another.
33. What beautiful, white teeth you have. Perhaps you rented false teeth from your grandmother?
34. Girl, how much do you weigh? Well, at least tell me the first three numbers...
35. If you were a little smarter, you would choose your interlocutor wisely. And now I would have a nice conversation with a garbage can.
36. Yeah... not everyone was spared by Chernobyl.
37. Did you hit your head against the wall yourself, or did your parents beat you and you got used to it?
38. It looks like your parents were brother and sister...
39. Is your belly so big or did the airbag deploy on it?
40. The bear clearly stepped on your ear... And walked all over your face...
41. You were the most beautiful on your birthday! Did you select the guests specially?
42. It’s time for you to find your prince... Otherwise, only horses go with you.
43. And I see you’re so funny! Are you suffering from a traumatic brain injury? Or bad heredity?
44. There are girls whom you want to go up to, put your arm around the shoulder and say: “What weight are you fighting at, bro?”
45. I look at you and understand that all scientists are lying... Not all dinosaurs have died out yet...
46. ​​I know why you are so angry and nervous. Your girl has a bigger dick than you.
47. Even pigs disdain to eat after you!

Hard lifts

1. Only polish hemorrhoids with your lips.

2. I'll pinch your nose with my cap.

3. You will vomit shit on me.

4. Your tongue only drives away pubic lice.

5. Your tongue only kneads shit.

6. Your brain only filters urine.

7. I'll spit your brain out through my ass.

8. I'll cover your eyes with shit.

9. Your mouth can only suck worms out of your ass.

10. I’ll dig out your pussy with my pussy.

11. I’ll fart in your nostrils so your eyes fly out.

12. I’ll rip out your eardrums.

13. I’ll put a plum on your nose with my buttocks.

14. Your face can only crush cow dung.

15. Only breed maggots in your rotten ass.

16. Only rinse your teeth during menstruation.

17. Your drizzle can only be ridden on a hairy motor scooter.

18. Your nose is only good for burying dog poop.

19. Your tonsils only tickle your scrotums.

20. With your fingers you can only sculpt figures out of shit...

Jokes

You are so smart, do you happen to have an IQ of 150%?

You have such a mentality that you should at least hire a watchman!

Your inner world The only thing that might be of interest is the tapeworm.

Someone came down from the hill, your death is probably coming!

You'll be talking to me for the rest of your life!

I look at you, so healthy and stupid, and I think: at school you probably only taught physical education.

Scumbags