She left her husband and regretted it. I left my husband

My name is Anastasia, I am now 33 years old, I want to tell my story. Please don’t judge me harshly, even though I deserve insults and stones. I got married for the first time at the age of 18, he is 2 years older than me, a wonderful, purposeful person, I married for love. A year later, our daughter was born, my husband switched to part-time work, worked day and night so that we would not need anything, was attentive and caring. After 10 years, my feelings for Dima dulled a little, but I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, I wasn’t even looking for entertainment on the side, because I was happily married and what happened came as a surprise to me, as if it was beyond me . All women, if they have another man on the side, say that both are to blame, they try to shift most of the blame onto their husband: he didn’t pay attention, didn’t appreciate him, left him alone for a long time. Yes, he had business trips, representative offices of the company where he works as a top manager are located throughout Russia and even abroad, but they were not long, from one week to a maximum of a month. He always came with gifts for me and my daughter, everything about sex was great, I don’t think he was to blame for anything, I’m the only one to blame.

I was already 28 years old at that time, I worked as a graphic designer. I met my future lover at an exhibition, his name was Anatoly, he was 14 years older than me, divorced, apparently with life experience. He was the general director of a company competing with his husband. After the exhibition, we went to a cafe, he turned out to be a very interesting conversationalist, he knew how to look after me beautifully, it turned out that we had a lot of common topics, we exchanged phone numbers, I gave him my number as if hypnotized. And then everything started spinning, it didn’t stop him that I was married, that I had a daughter, he was very assertive. In the end I gave up. First, communication, walks in the park, first and subsequent kisses. I hated myself, I wanted to stop all this, I loved my husband and still love the site, but not the same feelings as before. There was no spark that I felt for Anatoly at that time; for me, my husband was like a dear, beloved, caring person, the father of my daughter, but there were completely different emotions for the new man.

When my husband went to St. Petersburg for a few days for a congress, Tolik invited me to spend the weekend at his dacha. I already guessed what exactly was going to happen there, but that didn’t stop me. On the contrary, curiosity was bursting; I had been dating Dima since I was 16 years old; physically, he was my first and only man to this day. Trying not to think about my husband, I took my daughter to my mother-in-law, and I called Tolya, and he sent a car for me. I decided that this would be our last meeting and the last stupid thing that would be done on my part. When I arrived there, it seemed to me that I was in a fairy tale, in another world. There was a luxurious table, exotic fruits, a sauna, a swimming pool, and a jacuzzi. Expensive cognac went to my head and that’s where everything happened for the first time. Anatoly surpassed my husband both in experience and temperament, it was as if he read my thoughts and knew all my points, or so it seemed to me, because with Dima everything was somehow ordinary and familiar, he always knew what I wanted, and Tolya knew me just surprised.

It seemed to me that once this would be last time, then I decided to have a blast. He gave me a gorgeous ring, said that in his life he had never loved anyone as much as me, and suggested that I divorce Dima and marry him. I simply did not expect such a turn of events, but he said that he understood me, that he knew how difficult it was for me to make a choice, he said that he knew what it was like to be afraid of hurting a loved one, so he would not rush me or put pressure on me. But if the answer is positive, I am ready to provide a wonderful future for me and my daughter. At home, sobering and insight came. For the first time, I cheated on my husband, my beloved and dear person. I lay in the bathroom for three hours, stood in the shower for two hours, and cried until the evening. My daughter took the site. The next day Dima arrived, happy, with gifts, hugged me, and I hid my eyes and my conscience gnawed at me from the inside, I would even say, tore me apart. Dima didn't deserve this. It even seemed to me that he felt something. I deleted all Anatoly’s numbers, all calls and messages, hid the ring he gave me in my locker, tried to erase Tolik and the episode at the dacha from my life. I tried to pay as much attention and affection as possible to my husband, daughter, in general, to my family, but I couldn’t help but think about him. It’s like withdrawal, like a drug, I remembered every touch of Tolya, having sex with my husband, I imagined Anatoly and those hours at his dacha.

At first I ignored his calls, but then I couldn’t stand it and called myself. She said that I wanted to meet, so that I could rent a hotel room and wait for me there, and warned that this would be the last time, because I couldn’t leave my husband. She returned the ring to him in the room and asked him to get straight to the point without saying a word. I endured the second betrayal of my husband on the site more easily, even my feelings of conscience were not as gnawed at, although I still felt disgusting and disgusting. Tolik didn’t want to take his gift back, but I insisted and said that God forbid, my husband finds it, let him stay with him until I make a decision. He joked and said that he didn’t clean it far. I decided that the next meeting would be the last for sure. Then again, and then again, and in the end our meetings became regular, we met anywhere, in a hotel, at the dacha, in his apartment, I didn’t bring him to my house, and he didn’t really ask for it. I lied to my husband, I lied to my daughter as best I could, then I was detained at work, then my car broke down, then my friend’s, in general, I got confused in my own lies, but I didn’t care anymore, I realized that I was in trouble and come what may. I don’t know how long this would have lasted if chance hadn’t helped. It was summer, my daughter was on vacation from school. My husband happily announced that he was going to have a long business trip to Germany to develop some kind of joint project, and he was even ready to take my daughter and me with the site. About two months somewhere. I refused, citing the fact that I had a major design project, but my daughter could go. The husband was upset. After seeing them off, I called Anatoly right there at the airport.

These two months we literally lived like husband and wife. I completely forgot that I even had a husband, a family, I even forgot about my daughter. She answered their calls and messages sluggishly. And literally a week before they were supposed to return, I felt the first signs. After all, lately Tolya and I haven’t even taken any precautions. I secretly took a test and the result was positive. This child is Anatoly, not her husband. My legs just gave way. I decided not to say anything to anyone for now, Tolya said that I needed to go home, tidy up and prepare for the meeting of my husband and daughter. He understood me, I said that I would make a decision in the near future. My first thought was to have an abortion and break off relations with Anatoly, then I remembered that Dima had spoken more than once about a second child, but I kept dragging on the site. Then I thought about giving Tolya’s child to her husband as his own, but how could she then live with that? I wanted to give up everything and run away from both of them, I had a breakdown and almost had a miscarriage. My husband and daughter arrived. When I looked at Dima, I realized that I was looking at him with completely different eyes, like stranger, towards a stranger to me, and realized that I no longer had the same feelings for my husband. No, I still loved him, but as just a person close to me, as a friend, as a brother, as a worthy father of my daughter. But those feelings that a woman experiences for a man fell asleep, lay at the bottom of my heart, and the rest of my heart was occupied by Anatoly, because under him I was carrying a child, his child - Tolya. I was at a loss and didn't know what to do. Still, she plucked up courage and confessed to Anatoly. Words cannot express how much delight and joy he had, he demanded to talk to his husband or he would talk to him like a man. But I didn’t even know where to start the conversation, there was simply no reason, I became irritable, snapped at Dima and my daughter over trifles, got confused, plus the pregnancy was taking its toll, which I hadn’t told Dima about yet.

I wasted time while I was thinking that it was too late to have an abortion, my belly was starting to grow, and the pregnancy was becoming more and more difficult to hide. I tried to talk to Dima several times, but something kept breaking down. And so I chose the moment and said: “Dima, we need to talk.” Then the words got stuck in my throat. But it was clear from his facial expression that he understood what the conversation would be about. “Speak! Don't know where to start? Do you want me to help you? It turned out that he knew everything. He knew, he suffered, he was tormented, but he was silent. I thought and hoped that I wasn’t serious about this, that I would come to my senses, until the last I hoped to save my family and love. He asked: “Do you know when I realized that I had lost you completely? When you refused to go with us to Germany, and I, as a death row inmate, was expecting this conversation. Well, I won’t hold you back by force, but I won’t give you my daughter. She is all I have left, I ask you, don’t take away my last meaning in life.”

You can’t even imagine what was happening to me at that moment. I fell to my knees, asked him to forgive me, not to blame myself for anything, that I myself didn’t know why everything went wrong in our relationship, that he was not to blame for anything, said that I was unworthy of him, that I would pray that everything was good in his life. We talked with my daughter, she firmly decided to stay with her father, and this is not even discussed, I also decided that Irishka would be better off with her dad. Both took off the rings, I went into another room and dialed Anatoly, he said that he had sent a car, the driver would help load my things. To this day I remember the tear on my husband’s face and my daughter’s angry look when they saw me off, she got into the car and burst into tears. We were quickly divorced; the daughter’s place of residence was assigned to her father, taking into account the wishes of both spouses and the child.

Tolya and I got married, the wedding was modest, only close relatives and some work colleagues, my parents loved Dima very much and did not even send congratulations. Our son was born, a wonderful boy, they named him Sasha. Occasionally I saw my daughter, she seemed to come to serve her military service, and with all her appearance she showed that I was unpleasant to her. When I tried to make comments to her, I snapped at her, although I know that Dima is not the person who will turn his daughter against me. Life with Anatoly never worked out for us, and our family idyll lasted three years. No, don’t think about it, he’s a nice man, he surrounded me and my son with care, Dima, ex-husband helped him make a leap in his career, but he really has no idea at whose instigation. But we somehow burned out on each other, and again it’s about me. Perhaps what I felt for him was love, passion, admiration, affection, anything, but not love. I loved Dima, truly loved him, and if I had not become pregnant with Tolya, I would never have left him.

After the divorce, Anatoly bought me an apartment in a good prestigious area, furnished it tastefully, bought everything for it, assigned me and my son a decent salary, hired a housekeeper and nanny himself, and I went back to work, otherwise I would simply go crazy. I often think about Dima, about how despicably she treated him, both him and her daughter. Recently I asked Irishka how he was doing. “Is this so important to you?” - was the answer. She asked if she would like mom and dad to be together again? And then she began to become hysterical. She said that he was alone for two and a half years, practically turned into a vegetable, if not for his daughter, he either committed suicide or drank himself to death. That he has been dating a young girl for six months now, and they are planning a wedding. She said that Angela was like her older sister that dad blossomed again, began to live, a joyful light appeared in his eyes, and that they would not allow their lives to be ruined again. She ran away. I found out everything about that girl - some kind of student, she works part-time at Dima’s company. I know that he will not be happy with her, that he still loves me. Every day I cursed myself more and more for doing this to Dima. The only thing that makes me not regret this is my son, Sasha, I love him very much. I really want to be with Dima again, so that he will accept me and my child.

Is this possible? Will he forgive me? Is it worth fighting for, and is there any point in restoring the family or is there no need to bother? Will my daughter be able to forgive me? Please advise me. This girl doesn't love him, she only uses him. Please, I didn’t write the story to be judged, I myself know that I made a lot of mistakes, I destroyed everything myself. Please advise how to approach Dima and how to start a conversation

She left her husband herself. In despair and pain. When you spend several years trying to understand a person, to be closest to him, you try
to reach through coldness and emotional closeness, you want unity of souls and warmth, but you come across accusations,
discontent and reproaches. His betrayal was the final point. When they tell you: “It’s my own fault, I didn’t create an atmosphere of warmth and
home." I left so as not to go crazy from pain. And now, three months later, I regret that I didn’t fight, didn’t
began to save the family. I'm stifled by longing for my husband, my soul yearns for him and cries.
She made an attempt to restore the relationship, saw her mistakes, is ready to change, build a family in a new way: maturely and with
respect. I wrote to my husband, begging him to forgive and understand me. She came with an open mind, but... He said that he needed to think,
it takes time. He feels power over me, his superiority. Accuses of a difficult character and the breakdown of the family and behaves
very arrogant.
It really hurts me, how is it possible: we were together for 6 years. He is a difficult person - self-confident, touchy, vindictive. Very
vulnerable. But he achieved a lot in life, in fact, he made himself. I'm not very self-confident, I'm emotionally dependent, but...
kind and sympathetic. I always tried to be wiser, more tolerant, looked into his eyes, trying to guess his mood,
tried to be a good wife. But often in his eyes she was not good enough: I don’t live like that, I don’t raise my daughter like that,
That's what I said, I didn't think so...

I love him with all my heart, I know his good sides and I don’t remember any grudges. I always forgave everything. I want to let him go in my heart,
I wish you happiness. I understand that I am waiting in vain and hoping for his return... I am ready to change. I'm very sad
to realize that, apparently, she is no longer needed, that she is unloved...
Hellish torment and guilt are simply devouring, I have lost my happiness! With my own hands I ruined everything with my character,
the desire to receive a drop of love. After all, he once chose me...
Help please!

Support the site:

Eva, age: 44 / 04/06/2017

Don’t regret anything, Eva...Your first task now is to stop blaming yourself. Don’t give him this power over you that you write about. You wanted love, understanding, but you had to beg for it, is this really what you wanted? You left him a chance to save his family and relationships. You did everything you could, what depended on you and what you considered right at one time or another. Living in pain that is impossible to endure...many women did this on this site, it did not save their marriage, but drove them into an even greater abyss, and took away the last strength to live and be. Well done for not putting up with it, God willing, your husband will return and you will start again. If not, don't beg or humiliate yourself. It doesn’t happen that only one person is to blame, don’t let him crush you. Only yours own strength and independence will allow you to become happy. And you will, since you were able to get away from pain, then you will be able to go to happiness. Hold on, please hold on... we are all so wounded here, and we are all trying to hold on, pray and experience our pain together with the pain of those who write here, together with those who share it with us. And you know, it helps when you know that you are not alone... that there are people who rose up after terrible tragedies, read this site, and wait... time will put everything in its place, you need to survive, you just haven’t had much time yet, so that the pain will recede at least a little, but it will recede.

Julia, age: 36 / 04/06/2017

Eva, hello. Our stories are surprisingly similar; today I also decided to break up with the man I had been dating for about two years. According to the description, he is your husband exactly. Yesterday our conversation on the phone seemed to start quite innocently, then I told him that I had been accepted to new job and away we go... There was no such sarcasm, humiliation of me in my life from anyone, and especially from him, I was simply in shock. And he is also emotionally cold, closed, etc. Eve! I've been fighting for two years and I'm tired. IN last year I fell into depression, gained a lot of weight, I just didn’t want to leave the house... And I realized yesterday that I was putting an end to it. I respect and love myself. I won’t allow anyone to communicate with me in such a tone, even if it’s supposed to be a joke. Yes, it hurts me very hard - because I was disappointed... But I can handle it and I wish it for you. Why am I talking about myself? just to support you, so that you also understand - they don’t fight for love... and they don’t win it... And it has no measure: it either exists or it doesn’t.

Maria, age: 43 / 04/06/2017

Darling, you did the right thing by leaving. He asserts himself at your expense.
You write that the last point was his betrayal, after which you left, and now you are to blame for this and ask for forgiveness for his betrayal? It’s not your fault that your man cheated on you, it’s his act and he has to live with it. And you need to raise your face, there must be pride. If there’s anything you’re guilty of, it’s that you put up with everything for so long. You can “beg for forgiveness” - but then what? He no longer respects you, and he never will. If he needs you, he will come on his own and seek you, no, that means he’s not your man - no matter how bitter it may sound. Don't be humiliated. I went through this myself, my husband kicked me out, and then I ran after him to get back, do you know the result? There is no respect, and I’m sick of this relationship myself, I realized how lowly and meanly the person acted, and I became disgusted with myself. But the result is the same, he still filed for divorce. Get through it by gritting your teeth and sobbing, but you don’t have to force it back.
Everyone has characters, he knew it when he met with relish, you can change it for a while, in defiance of fate, realizing that you did it wrong, and what will he understand from this?! King! I can do anything! They still run after me. When you understand how humiliating this is, everything will fall into place...

Ksyusha, age: 34 / 04/06/2017

Eva, do you really want to get back to the person who cheated on you? To the person who constantly criticized you: “she said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, is raising her daughter wrong...”? It may be difficult for you to realize now, but you are not loved, this is obvious. Why are you so drawn to a person who doesn't love you? Do you like to suffer, or do you think that you don’t deserve better treatment? Answer these questions for yourself, Eva. Look at the situation from the outside and begin to respect yourself, love yourself, and then a worthy person will come into your life. Relationships are created for happiness, not for suffering and humiliation.

Maria, age: 36 / 04/06/2017

Dear Eva, there is so much pain in your message... It’s especially offensive that you blame yourself for everything. It doesn't happen that only one person is to blame. Both are to blame for family problems, and betrayal is your husband’s personal choice, and his attempts to shift all the blame onto you are simply manipulation and deception. Did you get him drunk and put him to bed with another woman? No, of course, he wanted to and changed it. You should not write to him, but run far away from him. There is a very good forum here - there are smart, I would even say wise, people who sort the situation out, write there if you want to figure it out. Especially with your dependence on your husband (and not your love for him!). You just don’t love yourself, and you’ve made an idol out of your husband, just like I once did. People don’t forgive this, they really start to behave like native gods - they turn up their noses and wipe their feet on you. And yet, you don’t have to beg for love, in a normal family it is given freely and received with interest in return. May God grant that you and I can build a family after rethinking past mistakes. Don't blame yourself, you are very sensitive, kind person. Happiness will definitely smile on you!!!

Miss Naivety, age: 32 / 04/07/2017

Eva, I read your letter as a very young woman and was surprised to see your age. 44 years old. This is wonderful! It's time to start new life. Change. For myself and my daughter. You forgot about yourself, guessed HIS desires. Now guess yours. Be wise - for yourself. And the fact that the torments of hell - yes, everyone on the site knows this. And everyone survived. The emptiness in the soul yearns to be filled. And you need to fill it with love for yourself, as the image and likeness of God. Don't be humiliated. And don't expect a return. If it does take place, it will not be your person who will come, but a stranger. And everything will be new. If he wants to repent and make himself and his family again, let him do it. But it’s up to you to decide whether you will accept it and if you accept it, then under what conditions.

Heartfelt thanks to everyone who responded! This was my first time asking for help on this site. I read and cry, how many strong
worthy women go through the crucible of suffering! I'm still at the beginning of my journey. .. Why am I so scared? Why does it hurt so much? Family,
this is not trash that can be thrown away.. I didn’t have the patience and wisdom to understand loved one. Everyone has one behind them
marriage.. This is the second attempt. We met as mature, adult people. He always dreamed of a family, was very responsible,
cared. He has his own life values and my views: he is the head, my daughter and I (from my first marriage) are his support. He
a little despotic, a house-builder, but he loved my daughter like his own, and me at the beginning of the relationship. I am grateful to him for this. A
then... It was as if he was disappointed.. He pulled away and was offended like a teenager. If you didn’t agree with him on something or had something else
opinion, he really didn't like it. He called me selfish and listed how much he had done for us. Now he says that I'm broken
trough... I was completely confused.. No, I’m not a weak-willed weakling, I myself have achieved a lot in my work, I have a smart daughter (16 years old),
wonderful friends., I don’t look my age, I take care of myself, I have a lot of hobbies, yoga. , a sociable person.. And
only for my husband - me; wrong woman." He had several attempts to start a family, but everyone ran away. It seemed to me that I was the one
the one with whom he will be happy... She herself was alone for a long time and also dreamed of a real family. Not fate?

Eva, age: 44 / 04/07/2017

Eva, again. You write, and again the impression is that you are not 44 years old. And your husband too. He has some kind of teenage immaturity. Several attempts to start a family, and everyone ran away. Maybe that's why they ran away? You wrote exactly - he is offended like a teenager. And the woman is to blame. And who is the broken trough here? He? Maybe this is how a hidden complex manifests itself? Well, he (or better yet, you) needs to see a psychologist. For a psychologist, these are not tears, this is work. And you will calm down. And what attracts attention is the desire to be the head of the family at all costs, and everyone is his assistant. On parcels. Don't remind yourself Goldfish? Well then, go free. That's what you did!

Pella, age: 55 / 04/07/2017

Good afternoon, Olga! Like many other women, I am turning to you with the hope that you will help me look at my situation from the other side and figure it out. I have always been a rather secretive person, I never shared my most secret things with anyone for two reasons: 1. so as not to traumatize or burden my family and friends with my problems, 2. for fear that my secrets could be used in some way against me. But now psychological help is simply vital!The fact is that, having been married for 18 years, I met another man and left for him. My husband and I have 2 daughters, 12 and 17 years old, the eldest is graduating from school this year. I can’t say whether I loved my husband or not - I just married him nice guy. I liked that he listened to me in everything, as I say, so it will be. It so happened in our life (and this is my fault) that I made all the main decisions - where we will live, what purchases we will make, what school the children will go to, etc. Relations with my husband were generally normal and respectful. But something was still missing in the relationship... I don’t know what. I didn’t feel happy, although I was interesting work, house, car... Sometimes I really wanted to feel like a Woman, and not a perpetual motion machine and energizer who plows both at work and at home, but at the same time I was afraid to entrust the solution to any problem to other family members, because . I thought they would do everything wrong in the best possible way. Over time, I developed an inexplicable dissatisfaction with my personal life.When I met Vladimir, I never even thought about leaving my husband for him. We lived in different cities, he had a family - a wife, with whom the relationship was already close to breaking up, and adult children. But Vladimir surrounded me with such attention, care and love that it was impossible to resist. My only argument against our union was my minor children: it would be stressful for them to divorce their parents, and my husband has always been a wonderful father to them... and outwardly we had an ideal family. My leaving my husband will be a bolt from the blue for everyone!Still, Vladimir managed to convince me: the children will grow up and live their own lives, and there may not be a second chance to change my life. But I really wanted to change it! And I made up my mind: I announced to my husband that I loved someone else, I was leaving (we lived in a small provincial town) to live with him - in the Moscow region, I was taking my youngest daughter with me so that I could give her a better education, the eldest would stay with him for now to finish her school. It was a shock for my husband. I won’t describe all this in detail, but he said that I was a rod for him, a pusher - I always directed what and how to do, and now he has lost this support...I left, but I didn’t have the courage to explain to my daughters what and why I was doing, hoping that time would put everything in its place. I just said that I was leaving to look for another job and the opportunity to give them a good education. My husband is taking our breakup very hard, he asks me to come back, I caused him terrible pain and I feel enormous guilt before him and the children.Vladimir got divorced, now we live together, and I feel very good with him! After my eldest daughter’s final exams, I plan to file for divorce (officially, I’m still married). I like living in big city, where everything is close; We rent an apartment with the prospect of earning money for our own housing, I found a good job, Vladimir works two jobs. Our youngest daughter lives with us and studies at new school. When asked why we live with D. Vova, I could only answer that it was necessary, and then I would explain everything to her. The youngest daughter hates Vladimir, believes that he destroyed her world, and says that he is on his way. academic year will return to live with his father... Vladimir is trying to make friends with her, but so far to no avail. Eldest daughter does not express his attitude to what is happening in any way, because lives with dad. But I hope that after entering university she will live with me. I understand that it’s my own fault that I didn’t immediately explain to the children why I did this, but I couldn’t find the right words... I’m very tormented by the fact that I destroyed my family, caused pain and suffering to my husband and children.But I also want to be happy! How to explain this to children, what words to find so that they understand and forgive me??? Or should I still return to my family so that my children and husband can feel good? Olga_Taevskaya : Dear Galina! My opinion: We treat one thing and cripple another. You patched up one “black hole” (lack of happiness and love), but another one, no less painful, immediately formed. Let's look at your family from this side: you were the head of this family, like a husband, you pulled the load for 18 years, and now you have decided to leave. Men in your position, leaving for another woman, lose their children, having the opportunity only to help financially and see the children periodically. But you took advantage of the Russian 100% privilege of a mother to take her children for herself (only half so far, but you also plan to place your second daughter with you). Your husband is certainly in a very unenviable position. If he were a woman, he would at least have children left. We can say that an infantile, impractical and weak man pays twice. It is not surprising that you are tired in such a marriage. Perhaps this is where we need to start the conversation with our daughters, with fatigue. What have you done, you need a breath of fresh air to survive. So ask: do you want to see me alive? Then they must understand. But in fairness, you need to give your daughters the opportunity to choose: with whom to live and which parent to prefer. You are used to doing everything your own way, give others a chance to have their own opinion. And respect their choice.

Galina: Good afternoon, dear Olga! It was very important for me to speak out and get an answer, thank you very much! I have become your regular reader. Your wisdom, kindness, desire and ability to support in difficult times evoke admiration and respect, thank you very much again! I sincerely wish you good health for for many years, vital and creative energy, good mood, happiness, peace and goodness! And to all women readers Women's magazine I wish that every day of their life would certainly be bright from the smiles of the people they meet, warm from wonderful relationships and pleasant because they easily achieve everything they want...

Best regards, Galina