Condolences on the death of your daughter in your own words. How to briefly express sincere condolences in your own words

We often lose loved ones. How to express condolences about death in order to move on with your life? helps to compose a eulogy. Words cannot fully convey feelings, because everyone experiences pain in their own way. But it is in conversation that peace is found. It is important to remember how to express condolences about a death to make your soul feel better.

Mistakes when expressing condolences

Often at funerals people forget who is at the center of the event, albeit sad. This is a deceased person. Words of condolences on this day are spoken in his honor. But some are sure that others are interested in their experiences. “I almost died when I too was left without a mother” - your experience is sad, but how will it help the grieving person?

The search for culprits (“The doctor overlooked”) or benefits (“But you will receive an inheritance”) is beyond the bounds. A question like: “How did this happen?” will show not your condolences over the death, but curiosity. Phrases reminiscent of the future (“Have another baby,” “Everything will be fine”) are not suitable for consolation. They do not distract, because there is no strength to think about the prospects.

Poetic epitaphs found on the Internet are not an interesting solution at all. Reading rhymed phrases, behind which the fate of a real person is not visible, breathes indifference. The finished epitaphs will show that there were no personal words to remember the deceased. Sometimes it is better to silently approach and hug the bereaved person than to try to be original.

How to Express Condolences on a Death

Condolences on the occasion of death are offered in person or by telephone. You won’t be able to get away with a short SMS: “Condolences” or “Accept my condolences.” Messages are used for quick exchange of information if it is not possible to call, and not for condolences.

Universal condolences on death (words in short)

It is common to first say “My condolences,” “Accept my condolences,” or “Accept our condolences” if you are speaking on behalf of other people. Standard phrases: “The news of death... is a blow,” “It is impossible to comprehend this news and describe our grief in words,” “I still can’t believe it.” In conclusion they add: “We mourn with you,” “We sympathize with your grief,” or “We sympathize and regret the grief that has befallen you.”

Use condolences on the occasion of death in your own words if you knew the deceased and relatives closely, so you can predict their reaction. Briefly describe the person's salient characteristics and influences. A careless word can cause an outburst of anger. Religious formulations (“For God all live,” “Rest with the saints”) will cause controversy if condolences are heard by agnostics and atheists.

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It should be understood that at a funeral a funeral speech is made, which is addressed to the entire circle of guests. A funeral is a rather difficult event and relatives choose a person with good diction and who knew the deceased well.

If you are reading a memorial speech, then you should not rely on improvisation; there is nothing wrong if you record the speech. Optimal speaking time up to 5 minutes. You should not retell the entire biography of the deceased. The speaker must select the brightest, most important, good moments that highlight all the best qualities of the deceased.

Since you personally knew the deceased, you can remember a good deed, good words, or moments, and also emphasize how significant this person was to you. At the end of the speech they usually talk about what the deceased taught us, what benefits he did, that he did not live his life in vain.

In a funeral speech, you cannot recall the shortcomings and bad deeds of the deceased; remember that bad person good things to say. For example, if a person was greedy, then we can say that although he did not always know how to share joy with others, he is an example for us of how to be happy ourselves and achieve everything with our own work! Thus, guests learn about the deceased, about his rich life, good things to do.

Warm words warm the souls of guests and relatives, thus making the loss easier to bear.

An example of composing a speech:

1. Appeal:

Dear guests [Name]!
-Dear relatives and friends!
-Dear family and friends of our beloved [Name]

2. Who are you:

I am the husband of our revered [Name].
-I am the sister of [Name] whom we remember today.
-[Name] and I have worked/served together for a long time/in recent years.

3. About how it all happened:

My mother was ill for a long time; we understood what would happen, but when we got a call from the hospital...
-When I found out that [Name] died, that evening I couldn’t think about anything else.
-Although grandfather lived long life, the death message shocked me.
-Today is 9 days since my mother left us.
-A year ago we said goodbye to [Name], a respected and worthy person.

4. A few words about best qualities deceased:

Grandmother was the kindest person, often receiving guests in her cozy house in the village.
-She was very generous, and her smile gave everyone a good mood.
-He was known as an optimist and a person with whom it was easy to go through life.
“He was a support for all of us; you could always rely on him in difficult times.

Remember that the eulogy at a funeral must come from your heart, just take a pen and write about what is in your soul, describe the deceased. It’s better if your speech is not formally correct, but sincere, which will touch the hearts of the guests.

Example of a funeral speech There are few facts from life here, but the speech was spoken from the heart:

Dear relatives and friends! I am the husband of our revered [Name]. Having learned about the tragedy, I could not believe what had happened for a long time, I could not think about anything all evening and it still seems to me that this was just a dream.
Not many people know how pure and bright a person [Name] was. Already at the age of 18, she made her first journey, and this passion for seeing new things remained forever in her heart. We met on one of these trips; it was an unforgettable month in an unforgettable city.
We both considered ourselves free as birds, and did not want to tie the knot, but this acquaintance turned everything upside down. She was an incredibly kind and sympathetic person. Always helped strangers, always took into account the opinions of others and avoided conflicts. I’m glad that, although for so little, I was with her and was able to enjoy the purity, tenderness and feelings that [Name] gave me. I will always remember you [Name], your warm smile will forever remain in our hearts!

What do they say at funerals?

At the wake, everyone can show their respect to the deceased. If you want to honor the memory of a loved one, prepare in advance, come up with a nice toast or poem to stand at the memorial table and honor the memory dear person.

Before sitting down to the table, the deceased is honored with a minute of silence. Orthodox Christians begin the commemoration by reading Psalm 90 and the Lord’s Prayer. The owner of the house invites guests to the table and people sit down without sitting in the empty place allocated to the deceased.

First word given to the owner of the house: -Today we saw off our loved one on his last journey (calls him as was customary in the family). May he/she rest in peace and may his/her memory be eternal. (Bows to the portrait or empty space of the deceased).

Everyone drinks (according to tradition, jelly). Without clinking glasses. Then the word is given to the presenter. The presenter also makes his speech, concluding it with the words: - May the earth (says the name and patronymic of the deceased) rest in peace, and may the memory be eternal!

Then the leader gives mourning words to everyone from seniority to minority: As a rule, these are toasts, at the end of which they say May [Name] rest in peace, and may the memory be eternal!

In memorial words, the use of aphorisms, favorite expressions of the deceased, and stories from life is allowed. Any negative words, conversations about bad character traits, or showdowns are not allowed.

Example: Friends, today is a day of sorrow. There was a time when we had fun and rejoiced with someone who left us. But today you and I drink this cup of sorrow ourselves, seeing off a person close to us on their last journey. Not everyone in the world was honored with the Dormition, like the Mother of God and other holy people. But we will keep in our hearts the good memory of our friend, having hope for the resurrection and new meeting in a new place. Let's drink to the dregs the wine of sadness!

Example: We are sad and sad and there are no other feelings. Let's remember all the parents, Let's remember all the relatives! Let us remember all those who have passed away, In the prime of their years, Brothers, sisters of the dead, Acquaintances and strangers! They once lived and made us happy, laughed and loved, took care of us. For a long time or recently They are no longer with us, And we reverently bring a bouquet to the grave!

Or just incidents from life, someone will remember how well he drew, someone will remember how well they worked together, and someone will talk about his good deed.

Example: “Our grandfather was very kind and good person. His path was long and difficult. He perceived all the difficulties that befell the country as his own. He worked and raised children without complaining about the lack of benefits, lack of food or amenities. He raised children and was a support for his grandchildren. This magnificent man will be greatly missed by all of us. May his memory be blessed!”

The funeral words must be said while standing. After your funeral words, the head of the family must end your words with the phrase - May the earth (says the name and patronymic of the deceased) rest in peace, and may the memory be eternal! Or for the believers the Kingdom of heaven and eternal peace for him/her.

When everyone has spoken, the head of the house thanks everyone for kind words, once again wishes everyone to be strong, to survive the bitterness of loss, to remain firm at all times. Everyone gets up, drinks, bows and sits down again. According to tradition, the last toast is made by the eldest woman in the family, or the eldest relative. She also thanks everyone for coming and honoring the memory of the deceased and, if necessary, invites everyone to the next commemoration. After the last toast, they do not say goodbye, but bow to the portrait of the deceased (or an empty place at the table) and on the way out they offer words of condolences to the relatives.

How to express condolences over a death?

What should you not say? Often on such difficult days, it is very difficult for us to formulate our thoughts and express our condolences correctly. We begin to speak in general phrases, instead of simply supporting people dear to us in difficult times. Let's consider what it is better not to say when expressing your condolences:

2. God judged, everything was God’s will, God took it away. You cannot say such a phrase to a mother who has lost a small innocent child, thereby you seem to be saying that God did this to them. It is better to say that now a person is in a better world.

3. How are you? There is no need to dryly ask relatives how they are doing; if there is a need to maintain a conversation, it is better to ask how you are feeling? What's on your mind? However, if you are not a loved one, then just inquire about the funeral itself and ask if there is anything I can do for you.

4. Everything will be fine, don't cry! You should not try to cheer up the relatives of the deceased with such expressions; after all, this is mourning and these days relatives most often want to think about today, and not about the future.

5. Future-oriented wishes do not belong to words of condolences: “I wish you to come to your senses quickly after such a tragedy”

6. It is considered bad form to find positive aspects in a tragedy and devalue the loss. No problem, give birth again! He was very sick and finally got over it! Remember that people here have gathered to honor the memory of the deceased.

7. You’re not the only one, it can be worse, that’s what happened with…..Such statements are tactless and do not help in any way to alleviate the pain of loss.

8. You can’t look for someone to blame. We hope this driver goes to jail! We hope this killer will be punished. Such statements also do not apply to words of condolences.

9. “You know, he drank a lot and was a drug addict, people like that don’t live long.” Such statements are also tactless, about the deceased it’s either good or nothing.

10. Questions “How and where did this happen?” and others, it is also not appropriate to ask when expressing condolences.

Verbal condolences to the loved ones of the deceased

The most important thing is that your words of condolences are sincere and from the heart. For example, if you did not know the deceased and his relatives well, then a simple handshake or hug with words of condolences for your loss will be enough. The same applies to people who simply have no words or only two words, I sympathize with you. You can simply hug, take your hand, put your hand on your shoulder, thereby showing that you sincerely sympathize and share your grief with the relatives of the deceased.

It is considered good form to offer your help, ask if there is something I can do for you? Most often they will politely answer you, no thanks, no need. But if help is really needed, then it can be help in preparing dishes for the funeral, in submitting notes to the church for conducting church liturgies for the deceased, and even financial assistance.

How to find words of condolences for a death?

To make it easier to express your condolences, think about the deceased, who he was to you, remember good incidents from life, his actions and joint affairs. Also think about the feelings of your loved ones, how hard it is for them, how they feel. This will help you choose words for your condolences.

If you feel guilty about something before the deceased, your sincere apologies will be good form, because condolences are both forgiveness and reconciliation. There is no need to squeeze words out of yourself, if there are none, then just come up and sincerely say how you condole, everything will be visible in your eyes. Below are examples of words of condolences:

He meant a lot to me and to you, I mourn with you. Let it be a consolation to us that he gave so much love and warmth.

Let's pray for him. There are no words to express your sorrow.

She meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget...

It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.

I'm very sorry, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad.

I would like to offer my help. I would be happy to help you...

Unfortunately, in this imperfect world we have to experience this. He was a bright man whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.

This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, it’s harder for you now than anyone else. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her.

Please, let's walk this path together. Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my bickering and quarrels with this bright and dear person were.

Forgive me! I mourn with you. This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.

It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our differences are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry with me throughout my life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

Funeral speech at a funeral text - farewell words spoken in memory of the deceased by his family and friends. They are pronounced over the grave of the buried with all their hearts. The speaker talks about important and significant events associated with this person, his achievements, and also speaks on the good side about the character and personality of the deceased. It is advisable if he says this orally, and not reads it from a piece of paper.

Funeral speech

Quite a lot of people attend funerals and wakes. Mostly these are relatives and friends of the deceased, but there are others - colleagues, acquaintances, school friends and others. As a rule, it is the head of the family or the eldest who is the first to pronounce the funeral words. to a loved one. If he is in a strong emotional state, then others present can speak at the wake.

Funeral speech example:

“My grandmother was a wonderful person with a difficult but interesting life. Her along with three younger brothers and her sister were raised by her mother alone in the difficult post-war years. To say that they lived poorly then would be an understatement. She had to endure many difficulties and hardships, but she never lost her optimism and presence of mind, constantly helping her mother and taking care of the younger members of the family. And later, having married her military grandfather, she steadfastly endured all the hardships of service. In any circumstances, she always maintained exemplary order at home and taught all family members to do so. Grandma was sometimes strict, but fair. I am glad that I managed to learn from her neatness and order, the ability to organize my life. And her famous apple pies were simply incomparable, no one else could do them! I will always remember you, my dear, beloved grandmother! Your warmth, love and care will remain with us forever.”

If others don’t know you well, then at the beginning of your speech you should introduce yourself and explain under what circumstances you met the deceased. The funeral speech should contain words of gratitude towards the deceased and reflect his positive qualities. You can mention any significant moment that occurred with the participation of the deceased.

Funeral words for 40 days:

“I’ll introduce myself for those who don’t know me: my name is (name). We have worked together with (name of deceased) for the past few years and I would like to say a few words in memory of him. He was a true professional in his field, a Specialist with a capital S. Many of our colleagues, young and not only, learned the basics of their craft from him and often used his advice and help. He was very patient and responsive, he could always listen to everyone who turned to him for support, advise something, help out, and never refused anyone’s requests. He could perfectly lift the spirits of anyone who was upset, confused or depressed about something. The countless funny stories, toasts, jokes and anecdotes he told could amuse anyone. We will all greatly miss him at our dinner gatherings and corporate events, where he invariably shone at the table, lifting our morale. There is no other person like him in our team. And maybe it won’t be in my memory anymore. We will all miss him greatly. Until the end of his life, he will remain in my memory and the memory of all our colleagues as an example of perseverance, sparkling cheerfulness, activity and professionalism! Rest in peace, dear colleague!”

It is advisable if you prepare the words for the wake in advance and memorize them. Because a well-formulated text will sound good and be perceived by others. And sluggish, boring speech with hesitations can be regarded as disrespect for the deceased and his family. If you are afraid that you will forget the words, you can take with you a piece of paper with a sample of the funeral speech. You need to pronounce words clearly and slowly. You need to speak confidently and so that others can hear you, but not too loudly.

Speech at a wake examples

Funeral words on the anniversary of death (from a colleague):

"Friends! The deceased worked honestly at the (name) enterprise for more than twenty years. We all knew him as a decent, honest and modest person. They were valued for their skillful hands and reliable character. We will miss his many invisible but irreplaceable contributions to the work! The bright memory of him will remain in our hearts!”

Speech at the wake 1 year (from friends):

“Friends, the best of us has gone to another world. We are all deeply saddened. Our souls are bleeding from untimely loss. The deceased was a support to all of us. He was the first to help and did not wait for requests or complaints. His kind heart and wide soul were always open. He was a clear light and guide in a difficult and dangerous world for all of us, his friends! May the soul of this magnificent man rest in peace! We will always remember him with a feeling of light sadness mixed with secret melancholy!”

Memorial speech for 40 days (from relatives):

“All his life, our father was a worthy example not only to his children, but also to those around him. In everyday life, he demonstrated a wise understanding of true values, kindness and devotion. Any person left him with an enlightened soul. And to us, his children, our father instilled a love for people, a high sense of responsibility and devotion to the Motherland. We consider his departure unfairly early. Eternal, blessed memory to him!”

“Our grandfather was a very kind and good person. His path was long and difficult. He perceived all the difficulties that befell the country as his own. He worked and raised children without complaining about the lack of benefits, lack of food or amenities. He raised children and was a support for his grandchildren. This magnificent man will be greatly missed by all of us. May his memory be blessed!”

Words of condolences are expressed not only during funerals, but also on days of remembrance of the deceased. They say a speech at funerals 40 days later, a year from the date of death, as well as during Parents' Saturdays and other Orthodox holidays. Speeches can be made both at the cemetery and during funeral dinners.

What do they say at funerals? At this event, all deceased relatives and friends are remembered. They remember what they were like during life, what they were interested in, what they loved. Words of condolences are spoken and the blessed memory of the deceased is honored. It is forbidden to say anything bad about the deceased or to recall old grievances. It’s either good or nothing, says the popular saying.

Funeral poems

In addition to the funeral speech, condolences can be expressed in poetry or toasts. These options are more suitable for a wake than for the funeral itself. For example, memorial poems are read on the anniversary of death. They can be written with your own hand or taken ready-made. If you do not have the opportunity to personally attend the wake, you can express your condolences by posting memorial poems in the newspaper.

***
Two tears fell into the flowers,
In two big ones, pink roses!
From my tormented soul
Hopeless tears rolled out!
They see my wet eyes
Something they don't believe in at all
What you can never change
What is measured with pain and tears!
My heart beats stubbornly
And desperately doesn't want to know
That you can no longer see your beloved eyes,
And you can no longer hug your dear ones!!!

***
You have always been an example to us,
As a person with a pure soul.
And the memory of you is alive
In the hearts and souls of your loved ones.

***
People close to us are leaving.
Do not realize that - forever,
Do not exhaust all the pain of separation,
And he hits backhand - never.

We won't see them, we won't hear them,
We won't ask, we won't talk,
Although, as before, we breathe them,
We love them, we wait for them, we adore them.

Ridiculous, strange, impossible,
That dawn has come again,
Call, scream or cry heart-rendingly,
And there are no more loved ones nearby.

***
We cannot understand or comprehend
Can't survive, can't overcome,
That the chariot of life circles,
As it was before, exactly the same.

The sun is shining and the air is so fresh,
What are the days, but very sad.
Gone is the beautiful hope from hopes
And again my heart is sad and empty.
There has been silence in the apartment for six months now,
Everything there is yours and it’s hard to believe in it.
I would drink the cup of grief to the dregs,
But it still cannot be measured.
I really want to come to you again,
Kiss and just be with you.
With hope to resist in the fight,
Argue with illness and disease.
The further you go, the more immeasurable the depth
The abyss that has come between us
Like you now, like in childhood, I need you,
But it is impossible to beg with tears.
I'm strong, you know I can do it
After all, you and I have been through so much.
I am forever in your debt,
You are an eternal piece in my world.
I'll bring you flowers and stand
And the heart will touch with its wound.
And you will feel how much I love you
My beloved, only mother.

***
Memorial verses for 1 year:
You died too early
Words cannot express our pain.
Sleep, dear, you are our pain and wound,
The memory of you is always alive.

***
We come here
To put flowers,
It’s very difficult, dear,
We can live without you.

***
The Great Tribulation cannot be measured,
Tears won't help my grief.
You are not with us, but forever
You will not die in our hearts.

***
Where do all the dreams go?
And why don't they return?
How we experience pain
After all, they were happy once.
Like waking up every day
Understand that this is all reality,
How painful it is to remember that day
When everything in life changed.

***
My soul is worried without you,
You don't need girlfriends or friends.
Why is it possible without millions?
Why is it impossible without one?

***
I don't rock you in your crib
I come again to the cold fence
I will fix the fallen wreath
And I will sing to you, dear son...

***
They usually leave without saying goodbye,
Without whispering my last words,
Perhaps without going on a long journey,
On that long road of dreams and dreams.
Just yesterday they smiled sweetly at us,
Their eyes emitted a bright light,
And as always, waiting for us to visit,
We dreamed of giving our friendly advice.
They, like all of us, really wanted to live,
And every moment brought them joy,
We didn’t have time to do everything we wanted to do,
They still had so much strength.
At some point, everything broke off,
Someone from above told them their deadline,
The soul rushed about in confusion,
That she didn’t even have time to tell us a few words.
Even if they are not with us, we love them,
And we remember joyful days,
And our heart will never forget them,
It’s as if they are somewhere nearby.

***
We are sad and sad
And there are no other feelings.
Let's remember all the parents,
Let's remember all our relatives!

Let's remember all those who have passed away,
In the prime of his life,
Brothers and sisters of the dead,
Friends and strangers!

They once lived
And they made us happy
Laughed and loved
They took care of us.

A long time ago or recently
They are no longer with us
And reverently to the grave
We bring a bouquet!

In fast-flowing time
We don’t remember other things,
But you are family to us
More alive than all the living!

We ask You, Lord,
About mercy alone,
Forgive their sins, Lord,
May their souls rest!
***
Among those who love there is agreement
Among the lonely there is only pain
Among those deceived by love - revenge
And among the dead - memory and separation

***
Death took you away on a path of no return
And brought me beyond the boundaries of existence.
Here I dissolved in the quiet echo of the alarm
A life lived “in Russian” is yours.
And all that was in the heart before was pain and rage,
Dreams, hopes, faith and love -
In the space of space it suddenly invisibly disintegrated,
But maybe it will be reborn in someone again.
And there are white-trunked birches near the grave,
When the moon is silent in the night,
Tears and dew fall before the clear dawns of the earth,
That the mother's eyes did not drain to the bottom.

***
Your watch has stopped. how you didn’t want to leave!!!
But the heart has stopped beating, and we can’t bring you back,
You've been through a lot in your life,
War and famine, but you survived in spite of everyone.
Your clock ticks in your friends' houses, everyone loved you! you've always been lucky!
Giving life to your family’s watches, you poured your breath into them.
You lubricated their hearts and eased the hours of suffering.
But you couldn’t help yourself, and it’s useless to lubricate your heart.
I didn’t win this fight, I gave it all, I gave it all for free.
We gave you the warmth of our hearts, and we were always with you,
Our dear grandfather, father-in-law, father and father-in-law,
You were so afraid to be alone, you were so afraid to be with yourself.
But the black hag came to you, swinging her scythe and hitting you right in the heart.
The clock has stopped, but the soul
Stayed with us, we are always with you, we are together.
February, frost, trees without leaves, and we haven’t learned to live without you.
You wanted to be with us so much, but alas
Your watch has stopped...

Funeral toasts

Funeral toasts at a wake are usually said at the table. They do not necessarily specify the identity of the deceased. You can express general condolences to all the deceased:

The grandfather sat in heaven and wept bitterly. A boy came up to him and asked why he was grieving. The old man answered him:
- There is a custom on earth - to drink for the repose of our souls. And then we are always full and with a full jug of wine. We are glad that the children remember us. And now I have an empty jug and that’s why I’m sad.
So let's drink to those who are not with us!

Friends, today is a day of sorrow. There was a time when we had fun and rejoiced with someone who left us. But today you and I drink this cup of sorrow ourselves, seeing off a person close to us on their last journey. Not everyone in the world was honored with the Dormition, like the Mother of God and other holy people. But we will keep in our hearts the good memory of our friend, having hope for resurrection and a new meeting in a new place. Let's drink to the dregs the wine of sadness!

In a wolf pack, the leader suddenly died without leaving a will. The wolves announced a meeting to elect a new leader. For three days they argued and squabbled, because each was afraid that the new leader would begin to take revenge on those who voted against him. When they were already hoarse from screaming, the old wise wolf stood up and said:
- Let's choose someone from outside our pack to be an impartial leader.
Everyone agreed and asked who. Then the wise old wolf suggested choosing a goat as leader. The wolves began to be indignant:
- We just didn’t have enough goats yet!
But the wise old wolf explained:
- Even though he is a goat, he has one advantage: if he starts causing chaos, he can always be bullied.
The wolves agreed with a laugh and called the goat. When they brought the goat trembling with fear, they said to him:
- Listen carefully! We will choose you as our leader if you don’t act like a jerk.
The goat became even more frightened and replied:
- I'm a goat. But I renounce my asshole past. I swear I will never be an asshole again.
The wolves made an approving noise and dedicated the goat to their leader.
“Now you are our leader,” said the old wise wolf. - You can order us whatever you want, and we will obey. Our fate is in your hands.
All the wolves, with their tails between their legs, nodded affirmatively and asked the goat to make a speech. The goat quickly jumped onto the rock, spread his legs wider, fluffed out his beard, stuck out his horns, looked around the silent flock with a slow gaze and bleated sternly:
- Well, which one of us is the goat?
So let's remember our glorious leaders!

Also, toasts at a wake can be expressed in poetic form:

Blessed memory of those who have left us,
Let's drink to this now.
Let it be like granite in our hearts,
Preserves the memory of loved ones who have passed away.
Let all the good things that happened to them
A damp grave will not bury you.
No matter how long we keep the memory,
He will live with us for that long.

Funeral notes

You can also honor the memory of the deceased with the help of memorial notes. In churches there is a special table where there is a sample memorial note on which you can write it. A cross is placed at the very top of the sheet and marked “for repose.” Then the full names of the deceased are written in the genitive case and in church spelling (for example, Ivan - John), neatly and legibly. Usually about ten to fifteen names are written. Moreover, everyone who is written there must be baptized in the Orthodox Church.

In addition to the names, the note indicates which deceased person is: newly deceased - deceased for forty days after death or ever-memorable (worthy of constant remembrance) - deceased who has a memorable date on this day.

When going to a funeral or wake, it is important to remember etiquette. You need to behave delicately and tactfully. It is worth preparing words of condolences, which can be expressed through a funeral speech, memorial poems or toasts. An appropriate and competent speech will be appreciated with gratitude by the family and friends of the deceased.

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Words of grief or condolences are intended to provide moral support to people who have lost their loved ones. A brief and succinct expression of your sympathy is preferable to long and florid phrases. It is not recommended to pronounce words of grief for the deceased several times, so as not to open the emotional wound. It is better to simply calmly listen to the family members of the deceased if they are overwhelmed with emotions. Sometimes silence and handshakes will provide great support to a person in grief.

Words of grief and condolences regarding death

If it is not possible to express words of grief and condolences to the relatives of the deceased in person or over the telephone, they express their sympathy in writing. Nowadays, condolences for the death of a loved one are most often sent by e-mail, less often by regular mail. This is due both to the speed of message transmission and the widespread availability of the electronic mailbox.

Short words of sorrow and memory

A postcard containing words of memory for the deceased is symbolic in itself. Family members of the deceased will be pleased to receive the support and sympathy expressed in in writing. Words of grief can be short - their meaning and the attention shown to inconsolable grief are much more important.

Words of sorrow in verse

Words of grief in verse are used in obituaries, on mourning ribbons, and as an epitaph.

• He gave a wonderful, bright, kind world to those around him.
• We are in this time, he is further. He left without saying goodbye to the universe.
• For a friend we are untimely pressing. Lord rest his soul.

Words of sorrow in prose

Words of grief in prose are most preferable. Such phrases look more sincere, coming from the heart.

• We mourn with you.
• Please accept my sincere condolences.
• We are sorry for your loss.

Words of grief to relatives

A close acquaintance with the relatives of the deceased suggests a more detailed message. In it you can indicate a personalized attitude towards the deceased or his household. It will be gratifying for the relatives of the deceased to re-read words of sympathy that convey your personal feelings.

Words of grief for father

• We empathize with your grief. Losing a father at any age is difficult.
• We will remember for a long time... as courageous and kind person. We mourn with you.
• ... has always been an example for us. I sympathize with such a great loss.

Words of grief for mother

• We remember her good nature and thriftiness. May your mother rest in peace.
• ...always found kind word and advice in difficult times. Following her example, we would like to wish you patience and perseverance to endure this loss.
• Your mother was a very bright person. I can't imagine my life without her. I grieve deeply.

Words of grief for a daughter/son

• The best always leave too early. Be strong.
• Sometimes the young should wait and let the old pass. Sincere condolences from us.
• He may not have lived long, but we will remember every day we spent next to him. May the Lord help you bear the burden of inconsolable grief.

Words of grief for a friend

• True friends do not die - they remain in our memory forever. Remember this.
• As long as we remember our friends, they remain alive for us. Your friend deserves a long memory.
• When friends leave us, warm memories remain from them. May they always warm your soul.

Words of grief for a sister/brother

• You have always been attached to each other. I sincerely sympathize with your grief.
• It is not easy to cope with the loss of a brother (sister). Now you have to live for two.
• I will not forget the good that he did for our family. We are deeply saddened by this loss.

We remember, we love, we mourn - words of sorrow

The unexpected news of the death of a loved one often leaves a person in a stupor. He does not have the words to express his sadness or express words of sympathy. While in mental turmoil, remember the universal words of grief: “We remember. We love you. We mourn." Just say them - and you yourself will feel how capaciously they can convey your condolences.

Words of Grief for 40 Days and Anniversary

It is customary for Orthodox and Muslims to remember the deceased for 40 days. Words of grief expressed to household members should be restrained. It should be understood that your overly emotional statements can disturb the peace of mind of the relatives of the deceased. They had just realized the irreversibility of the loss they had suffered.

As on Sorokovina, words of sorrow on the anniversary of death can rather be considered parting words for the deceased:

• Kingdom of Heaven!
• May the earth rest in peace to him (her).
• May God rest his soul.
• Peace to his ashes.
• Lord, grant... eternal peace.
• May Allah forgive the deceased.
• Let the Eternal Light illuminate his (her) soul.

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A man has a grief. A man has lost a loved one. What should I tell him?

Hold on!

The most common words that always come to mind first are:

• Be strong!
• Hold on!
• Take heart!
• My condolences!
• Any help?
• Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

What else can I say? There is nothing to console us, we will not return the loss. Hold on, friend! It’s also not clear what to do next - either support this topic (what if the person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to neutral...

These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the person who has lost life has stopped and time has stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how could it be otherwise? It’s scary to hear about our grief, but life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with loss comes the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”

We should be happy!

The second group of valuable advice to the grieving is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”

• “You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
• “Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
• “Yes, he finally got over it! How he suffered here and that’s it – he doesn’t suffer anymore!”

I can't be happy. This will be confirmed by anyone who buried a beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Mother Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, all last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends didn’t see her that often—a couple of times a year at best. Most had only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned...

Death is not something to be happy about at all.

Death is the most terrible and evil evil.

And Christ defeated it, but for now we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.

By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he cried when he heard about the death of Lazarus and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.

And “death is gain,” the Apostle Paul said to himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is gain.”

You are strong!

• How he holds up!
• How strong she is!
• You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry, does not groan or be killed at a funeral, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most severe phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress is passing, and he feels a little better.

There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”

That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense.” On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.

“We’re going to see Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” What's the name? Vladimir Nikolaevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

Are there those who hold on well and do not plunge into this black and white world of grief? Don't know. But if a person “holds on,” it means that, most likely, he needs and will continue to need spiritual and psychological support for a long time. The worst may be ahead.

Orthodox arguments

• Thank God, you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
• Your daughter is now an angel, hurray, she’s in the Kingdom of Heaven!
• Your wife is now closer to you than ever!

I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend’s daughter. A non-church colleague was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who was burned out from leukemia: “Can you imagine, she said in such a plastic, harsh voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a beautiful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!”

The thing here is that we, believers, really see that it is not “when” that matters, but “how”. We believe (and this is the only way we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose mercy from the Lord. That it is scary to die without God, but with God nothing is scary. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can himself tell a lot of things that are theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. “Closer than ever” - you don’t feel it, especially at first. Therefore, here I would like to say, “Can everything be as usual, please?”

In the months that have passed since my husband’s death, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from a single priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how difficult it was, how difficult it was. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel has appeared.”

Only a person who has gone through grief can probably say about this. I was told how Mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of her most beautiful sons within a year - Archpriest Theodore and Bishop Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there.” But only she herself could say that.

Does time heal?

Probably, over time, this wound with meat throughout the soul will heal a little. I don't know that yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone goes on with their own lives - how could it be otherwise? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the most difficult. As I was told wise man Having experienced a loss, after forty days you only little by little understand what place the departed person occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it stops seeming like you’ll wake up and everything will be as before. That this is just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.

It is at this time that you need support, presence, attention, work. And just someone who will listen to you.

There is no way to console. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the deceased. And the Lord can still comfort you.

What can I say?

In fact, it is not so important what you say to a person. What matters is whether you have experience of suffering or not.

Here's the thing. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.

Sympathy- We sympathize with the person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is suitable here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words will most likely not have any meaning for a person. Even if he listens to you out of politeness, the thought will be in the background: “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”

But empathy- this is when you have compassion for a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child experiences empathy and compassion, supported by experience, for another mother who has buried a child. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly, here is a living person who also experienced this. Who feels bad, just like me.

Therefore, it is very important to arrange for a person to meet with those who can show empathy towards him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost a child!” Unobtrusively. Carefully tell them that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums online to support people experiencing loss. On the RuNet there is less, on the English-language Internet there is more - those who have experienced or are experiencing gather there. Being close to them will not ease the pain of loss, but it will support them.

Help from a good priest who has experience of loss or simply a lot of life experience. You will most likely also need the help of a psychologist.

Pray a lot for the deceased and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also invite the person himself to travel to churches together to serve magpies around him and pray around him and read the psalter.

If you knew the deceased, remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, that’s what wakes are for—to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, one day we met at a bus stop, and you had just returned from your honeymoon”….

Listen a lot, calmly and for a long time. Not comforting. Without encouraging, without asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times. Listen. Just help with the housework, with the children, with chores. Talk about everyday topics. To be close.

P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief and loss are experienced, we will add your advice, stories and help others at least a little.