Articles by psychologists about raising children. Raising children
Raising children is a complex task that lasts from the moment a child enters your family. Sometimes the behavior of their beloved child confuses loving parents, and it seems that there is simply no way out of the current situation. However, there is always a way out, you just need to think about your actions towards the child, analyze your child’s behavior, find out why he behaves obnoxiously, try to look at the problems of education through the eyes of the child.
Parents should know the basics of child psychology
Communication between parents and child plays an important role in education. Many experts claim that this is the most important and effective way to influence behavior and character in childhood, which will subsequently play a great role in shaping the future personality and outlook on children’s lives.
Trusting relationship between parents and children Below are articles on the topic “child psychology”, “raising a child”, which all parents should read so as not to make mistakes in raising a child.
What is child psychology - definition
An article about how to calm children during conflicts
Most parents have no idea how to convince a child to behave calmly, or how to find an approach in childhood with their child.
Raising teenage children is a headache for many parents. The child’s psychology changes dramatically, his mood often changes. A few minutes ago, communication with the child’s parents was very pleasing; he was telling adults about his studies, his achievements and his life in society, but after a while the child seemed to be replaced. He begins to be capricious, demand to buy him expensive things or ask for a night walk. Don’t let this behavior scare you, since the child’s psyche is changing, this is considered normal behavior in children.
What to do in case of conflict? Keep calm At such a fairly young age, children themselves understand on a subconscious level that they are behaving incorrectly. But still, the stubborn character and stubbornness of the child prevails over reason. Usually in such a situation, parents give up, citing a difficult age. Sometimes they make mistakes in parenting, showing their weakness, giving in to the whims of a teenager. The worst thing is when adults lose their temper due to stress and raise their voices at the child.
A radical change in mood in children, disgusting behavior in childhood can drive anyone crazy, even the most balanced educators.
Children's negativism is a temporary phenomenon To avoid quarrels, you need to follow a number of rules:
- If your child has uncontrollable behavior, try to take matters into your own hands. Give him more time, do his favorite things with him;
- Articles about psychology tell us that it is important for children to have free time. Give him a break from everyone and be alone, take care of his worries and affairs;
- If you do lose your temper and yell at your children, then you need to correct the situation as soon as possible. When the situation calms down a little, the child’s psyche returns to normal, you should explain your behavior.
Punishing a child should not be scary and inadequate An article about what to do if children experience frequent tantrums and endless whims
The psychology of children is structured in such a way that they try in every possible way to please their relatives and please them. They love increased attention to themselves, they want to feel care, love and warmth.
Based on this, we can say that there are no so-called difficult children, there are only not very attentive parents.
Children throw tantrums at any age and even with the most ideal parents. This is unlikely to be avoided. The child's psyche is disturbed when he begins to show pronounced anger. He can roll on the floor, stomp his feet, throw things around, and even try to fight with his parents.
Causes of children's whims In raising a child, it is important to understand the cause of such whims and try to fight them, because they inhibit the development of children and contribute to the child becoming a selfish person. The mental health of children needs treatment. The most effective measure in combating such behavior in childhood is to ignore the child’s demands. You can treat this behavior with humor and hug your child. Stay in a balanced state, the most important thing is not to get nervous. Over time, he will understand that his destructive behavior will lead nowhere.
If a child has a tantrum in a crowded place, for example in a shopping center, and you do not want to sort things out with him in front of strangers, take him out into the fresh air in a quiet place.
There the child can be capricious and cry to his heart's content. The child’s psyche should calm down if he throws out all the anger.
How to respond to the whims of children - tips At a time when children are in a capricious mood, it will not be possible to talk to him. After the child’s condition improves, it is worth having a conversation with him. Tell him that his behavior really upsets you, you can’t be so capricious over every little thing. Tell him that in the future you hope that the baby will behave more prudently. Let your child know that you will love him no matter what. The psychology of children is designed in such a way that after this heart-to-heart conversation, the child will awaken a feeling of guilt.
The main rule is to always remain calm and not pay attention to his provocation.
An article about how to properly encourage a child so as not to spoil him
When children are 3 years old, he is already well adapted to the world around him. They start to think about what they are doing. Basically, all their actions are aimed at attracting the attention of their parents. He does not always manage to achieve what he needs by behaving exemplarily. Sometimes the child’s psyche understands that bad behavior is a sure step towards attracting the attention of adults. You should not immediately scold your child if he has committed a bad act. Better analyze your actions.
How to encourage a child - tips Most children at this age behave impulsively. He can laugh and play calmly, and a minute later start crying for no apparent reason. At an early age, children do not yet know how to control their behavior. Parents should not forget about this. If he does not fulfill the requests of adults, for example, does not put away his toys, he is not demonstrating his harmful character, but is simply busy with his own affairs that are important to him. So far, he still does not know how to instantly think about his actions. The correct reaction of parents in the current situation affects the future development of the child.
Types of rewards in the family The formation of a child’s personality, the child’s healthy and strong psyche, largely depends on the parents’ attitude towards him, as well as the time spent playing in childhood, and the reaction of adults to the child’s bad behavior.
Proper praise and encouragement of children during parenting
It is important for parents not only to punish their child for bad behavior and actions, but also to praise them. You need to learn how to properly praise a child so that he will continue to do good deeds. If you constantly tell your child how good he is at every opportunity, the child will no longer like it. He will take such praise from adults for granted. Therefore, it is necessary to praise your child only for a job well done, for all possible help to adults, for useful actions that he performed, spending his personal time on it. Of course, you should give him compliments, tell him that he did well, that his parents appreciate him very much, but don’t overdo it.
About reward and punishment - when and how to use it Praising children is only worthwhile. In this case, you should talk to him as sincerely as possible, so that he forever understands that doing good deeds for good is great.
You can respond to positive actions from a child by presenting him with desired gifts for this. In this case, you should also not forget about a sense of proportion. You can use not only sweets and expensive gadgets as a gift. Trips to the circus, theater or cinema will bring joy and bright emotions to the little man. Mom and her daughter can bake some goodies for a mini-holiday. It will be much more interesting than just buying sweets in a store, and besides, the joint actions of an adult and a baby will unite the family and help to better understand children and influence their character.
We need to spoil the children A number of mistakes made by parents in the process of raising their children
Sometimes parents insist on their own, forcing them to do things that the child does not like. “Do what they ask you, otherwise your parents will stop loving you” - these words can often be heard from tortured parents when the child is stubborn and does not want to fulfill the demands of adults. According to adults, it is useless to convince a child of something and have a heart-to-heart talk with them. He still doesn't give in to persuasion.
Advice for parents from a psychologist Let's listen to the opinion of psychologists on the words of parents “if you do not fulfill my request, then I will stop loving you.” According to experts, children take this threat very seriously.
- Firstly, deception is not the best method of putting pressure on a child. And such a threat is precisely a deception.
- Secondly, such a statement is unlikely to have a positive effect on your child. It's better not to deceive your child. Try replacing this threatening phrase with another, for example this one: “I will always love you, but I don’t like your behavior, it makes me very sad.”
Parental support is the most important thing for a child Another not very good phrase that is used with children in order to reason with them: “I’m much older than you, I’m dad (mom). It will still be as I say.” Many adults believe that being strict with the younger generation is the best option for upbringing. Parents are much older and more experienced than their children, so they are always right. If you indulge a little person, he will finally “sit on his head” and will not fulfill requests coming from adults.
What will child psychology experts say to this? When completing tasks from adults, motivation is important for children; he must know that his efforts will be properly rewarded. The little person needs to be convinced that he is not trying in vain. If you treat children too strictly, this can lead to a situation where the child will listen and fulfill your requests only in your presence. But when there is no one at home, the baby will engage in sabotage, doing everything to upset the parents. A strict attitude is of course necessary, but you shouldn’t go too far. If you don’t have time to persuade your child, promise that you will definitely reward him for his work later, if he does all the work.
Education of moral health must begin from early childhood. A child should always know that he is loved and that he is welcome in the family. Recently, there have often been cases where parents cannot cope with their child already in preschool age. Typically, parents shift their child-rearing responsibilities to their parents, relatives and their older children. This kind of upbringing is different from parental upbringing. It has several directions in education: right and wrong, secret and obvious, to please the parents of children, to please themselves, and less often in the interests of the child. Raising children in this generation can be ambiguous, the result of which will lead to a breakdown of the child’s psyche. Such a child, instead of joy in his eyes, has melancholy, often gets sick and is capricious. All these are signs of improper upbringing in the family. The child has an internal conflict. In some cases, he may hide something from adults: something that hurts his psyche. This may be a misunderstanding of each other by family members and their older generation, unclear questions to which no answers have been found. The child is afraid to ask questions because he believes that adults will not understand him correctly, or he tried and received the answer: “Still too young!” The child is more likely to have adult problems. The child lives with such a burden of unnecessary problems, and this burden may even manifest itself as stooping. The child “like an old man” tries to somehow help his parents, internally or externally condemns his parents for their wrong life. He sees adult life through the eyes of a child at his own level. If a child is in an internal conflict of disagreement with adults, no recommendations from psychologists, teachers, or doctors will help improve his mental health. Such a conflict can only be cured through re-awareness of the child himself.
Many parents hide their lives from their children so as not to burden the younger generations with adult problems, if they succeed. Children may notice that something is being hidden from them and may misunderstand adults. The best communication between parents and children is at the teacher-student level. Some parents raise their children in a familiar manner at the level of friends. Such relationships “as equals” will subsequently grow into unfair reproaches from the younger to the older. The elder and the younger can no longer be equal. Nature itself determined the age difference. As a result of such equality, there will be no respect for the older generation by the younger, because they are equal. When the younger generation has their own family, this incorrect equality will be greatly felt on both sides.
Many people hear when grown-up children are offended by their parents for not raising them correctly. These are the results of a kind of equality.
Another improper upbringing in the family is hazing. Such upbringing occurred in all generations and occurs today. Instead of proper upbringing and receiving answers to his questions, the child has a “strict” upbringing without answers in the form of ridicule, beatings, reproaches, and accusations for any adult trouble. Such “grandfathers” forget that the little one will become an adult in due time, and these elders can reap the results of the same hazing on themselves. In some cases, raising a child in a “family of grandfathers” will leave a trace of painful grievances. In other cases, a child, having matured, can also restore himself to the rights of a “grandfather”. It is rare that a child himself will correctly understand the upbringing of parents who suffer from hazing and, when he grows up, will not reproach his parents for their illness. Such an adult in his family will not take examples of injustice in raising children as a basis.
Normally, a child should feel happy communicating with his parents and the older generation. Raising children should be joint with proper respect for adults. When a child sees unity in his upbringing, he tries to help adults more. It will be interesting for him to live in his own home with parents who honor their parents.
A child raised by parents is different from the way a child is raised by grandparents. During the period of socialist education in the country, older generations raised their children in strictness. They will raise their grandchildren differently, since they do not consider them their children, and in order not to lose the trust of their children and the younger generation, they simplify a lot in their upbringing, although they internally know how to raise them correctly. Grandchildren who grew up during the period of computer development often consider their parents and the older generation of parents to be backward, extolling themselves above the older generation. They don't want to know that in every period of time there were real heroes and immoral individuals. People cannot be the same. The main thing that needs to be brought up in a child is that the pupil in any conditions be wise and please his parents with his successes in life, at work and at home. Morality in all generations was the same, only the interpretations were different in different periods of time. Those who talk about morality were not always moral themselves. For this reason, children do not want to live in peace with their parents, because when they grow up, they find mistakes in their parents and in their lives and are secretly or openly disappointed, reproaching them for their shortcomings. This error has existed at all times. When children look for mistakes and see shortcomings in their parents, they stop striving for the best, forget that parents have their own experience, their own time, their own life, and children have their own destiny. Every child should know that he will not always live with his parents and must grow up in due time so as not to be a child for his children. Parents cannot live their lives for their children, each child has his own life. A child comes to a family to help his parents become parents; without a child they will not be able to do this. Parents do not always want to learn how to become parents. They believe that they are not ready to have their own children when they already have them. Such adults give their children to others to raise or play at being adults, constantly making childish indulgences for themselves. It is difficult for children in such families to live. Sometimes children take the place of their parents and try to raise their older generation in their own way. Every parent must raise in their child the future wonderful parent-family man, the moral owner of his home, otherwise, as the child grows up, he will have to use his life’s mistakes to “bring up adult qualities” and become wiser. Parents must teach their child to self-educate in any conditions. Being better doesn't hurt anyone. The attitude of children towards their parents has two extremes: they are either very worried about adult mistakes, or they ignore their parents as parents, mistakenly consider themselves independent and live dependent on their parents, at their expense.
Adults living without children are only spouses. With the birth of a child comes a family. The family must also develop as a single organism. First, a young family takes its tentative steps as a child, and then, as an adult, it goes through life and takes better and better successful steps. Everyone should have their place in their family. Incorrect distribution of places in the family leads to illiterate upbringing of the child in the family and to “skewed” steps. Such a family is carried in one direction, then in the other. The family receives blows and stress from the outside due to the incorrect behavior of family members. A family is a collective and you need to learn to live in the family collective in your place, without humiliating yourself and others. Adults should teach this to their children. Broken families are the result of an incorrect attitude towards oneself and others.
There are complete and incomplete families. In families with a full number of family members, there is a father, mother and children. In single-parent families, for some reason, either mom or dad are absent. A single parent takes on the role of the other absent parent and raises their children for two. In any case, parents themselves should not constantly whine if they have single-parent families. Children should not suffer from adult mistakes. To restore a complete family, one must not abandon the absent moral parent and not invent a parent for oneself from the existing environment in which there are no such qualities. The arrival of a real parent into the family will be a surprise for every family member.
Disobedient children at an early age are becoming more common. A child, having barely learned to walk and talk, always tries to educate those around him and his parents. Sometimes this is done unnoticed. Children are affectionate towards their parents, ingratiating themselves in order to achieve their goal. In other cases, children behave violently, unpredictably, and even beatings do not always help. This suggests that the parents or the child’s given environment have ceased to be an authority for him. On the one hand, the child is small, and many believe that he does not understand anything; on the other hand, a person is growing who does not want to obey his parents because of the wrong attitude towards himself. And if the situation is not corrected immediately, the child will grow up disobedient and selfish.
A decline in the authority of parents occurs, in some cases, when the child sees that he is not needed. Do not think that a small child does not see how much the family needs him. Recently, science has discovered that plants and animals always know how loved they are by their owner. A child is not an animal. He may not always express his feelings, but he stands up for his rights and wants to be loved.
In other cases, the decline in parental authority occurs due to an incorrect attitude towards the child. You can hear delightful stories from adults about your favorite flower, your favorite animal, and treat your child with disdain because he doesn’t let you sleep, because you need to take care of the little one, wash diapers, and at this time you can’t go to the hairdresser or see friends. Left alone with a child, some throw him away like unnecessary trash, because the child ruined their figure, ruined their personal life and mood. Such parents try to hit the child for no reason, hurt him, pinch him and “play” in a way that even adults would not like. The first signs of an incorrect attitude towards a child are his painful, tortured appearance. They begin to treat such a child because he is capricious, sleeps poorly, eats poorly and is developmentally delayed.
One girl said that she remembers herself from the age of three. She was constantly in the corner of the room, afraid to appear in front of her father, who called the child and mother names. Any movement of the girl threatened her with, if not physical, then moral harm. Her father called her a freak and treated her worse than an animal. Outwardly, in the eyes of others, the child’s father cared about his family.
Look into the eyes of a child, and you can see in the eyes the fear of a frightened animal, the pain from improper upbringing, the painful appearance of a tortured creature. Sometimes in the look of a child you can find the look of an old man who is tired of living with his parents. No matter how parents say they love their child, their love is written on the child’s face. The love of parents always gives birth to love in the eyes of the baby. The love of parents reveals in the child love for various talents, love for himself, for nature and for the Motherland.
A child growing up surrounded by the love of his parents will grow up happy, successful, and will try to create his own happy family with the birth of children who love their parents. Parents of the older generation will always be members of the family of the younger generation, if they raised the younger generation in love, and will live as a united large family that loves each other.
Bibliographic link
Lenskaya N.P. RAISING CHILDREN IN THE FAMILY // Advances in modern natural science. – 2008. – No. 2. – P. 130-132;URL: http://natural-sciences.ru/ru/article/view?id=9499 (date of access: November 25, 2019). We bring to your attention magazines published by the publishing house "Academy of Natural Sciences"
Article on the topic:
« The role of the family in raising a child"
The modern world, with its economic crises, increasing number of divorces, deteriorating quality of education, constant stress and other “charms” of civilization, exhausts people physically, emotionally and spiritually, so it is increasingly difficult for them to raise children. It is children, who are the most vulnerable and most in need of love, who suffer the most in this world.
Who is raising our children? Of course, first of all we ourselves, parents. At first, this role belongs to us entirely, later we share it with various social institutions, but until the child grows up, our role remains the main and decisive one.
What kind of person a helpless lump of flesh, born without reason and will, will become depends on how his parents raise him, what pedagogical influence they will have on him, and in what family atmosphere socialization will take place.
In the life of every person, the family is the first stable group of relatives and friends who play a dominant role, and is for the child the first step in socialization and the formation of his self-awareness. Here the child acquires skills in communication and mutual understanding; here the moral character and professional self-determination are laid.
Modern society faces many problems, the most important of which is the increase in the number of problem families and the weakening of the educational function of the family. Practice shows that we need to talk as much as possible about the best and friendly families, and promote the experience of kind and respectful relationships. Where to get experience? From communication with talented parents. They can tell us many episodes when banal family conflicts are resolved creatively, revealing unexpected traits and methods in both children and adults.
Preventive work of an educational institution with problem families is aimed at changing the status of the family, interpersonal relationships, moral and psychological climate, and eliminating the shortcomings of family education.
The basis of any human relationship is love. Parental love must be wise and patient. It is not enough just to give birth to a child, to give him physical life, one must be able to open for him the path to love, to inner freedom, faith and conscience, to everything that constitutes the source of spiritual character and true happiness.
Parental love should be built on understanding and respect for the child’s personality, the desire to understand and appreciate the world through his eyes. Only then is a common language found and the contradictions between the two generations are eliminated. To become a wise friend and mentor of your child, to try not intrusively, to gently guide the child’s thoughts in the right direction, without destroying his own initiative - these are the conditions for true parental love.
It is in the family that the foundations of a child’s communication with the people around him are born, character is formed, and rules of behavior are reinforced. Modern research shows that working parents have an average of 17 minutes each day to raise their children. And most often, parents spend them checking lessons or reading notations.
Leafing through the pages of history, we are convinced that folk pedagogy has never allocated special time for family education. At all times, we were brought up with a way of life, a way of thinking.
There are no parents who would consciously ensure that their child grows up callous and rude. Of course, we all engage in parenting to the best of our ability, but it doesn’t always work out the way we would like. Often parents are too hasty to reproach their children for ingratitude, and in children these words only cause aggression.
Family education is not morality and notations, but constant communication with the child, subject to observance of universal morality. “The greatest mistake that can be made in education is to rush too much,” said the famous teacher of the past, Rousseau. He who cannot take with affection cannot take with severity.
It is fundamentally important for parents to know that from birth a child is extremely emotionally sensitive, and his emotional state is determined by how he sees his world: his parents, his home, himself. If his world is hostile, repulsive, unloving, then anxiety affects his speech, behavior, ability to communicate and learn. With his behavior, the child constantly asks his parents: “Do you love me?” And the answer is extremely important to him. It should be dictated not only by the feeling of unconditional love, but also by the behavior of parents who show unconditional love in their actions.
The second fundamentally important concept for parents: every child has an emotional reservoir. In other words, he has certain emotional needs, and the extent to which these needs are satisfied daily (through love, attention, understanding) determines much in the child’s behavior (obedient, capricious, cheerful, withdrawn and what he feels (angry, sad, joyful) Naturally, the fuller the emotional tank, the more positive the feelings and the better the behavior. Only if the child’s emotional tank is full, he will feel the best and develop accordingly. Parents bear responsibility for the fullness of the emotional tank.
Parents must understand that children reflect love: if they receive it, they return it. Unconditional love is reflected unconditionally, and conditional love is returned conditionally (for example, a child only sometimes does what his parents want him to do when they fulfill his demands).
There are four basic transmissions of unconditional love: eye-to-eye contact, physical contact, undivided attention, and discipline. All these points are equally important and do not “work” without one another,
something one at the expense of the other. It is very important not to confuse discipline with punishment: these are by no means synonymous.
Eye to eye contact.
It is important not only for establishing a relationship, but (and this is essential!) for satisfying the child’s emotional needs. The more and more often parents look into their child's eyes, expressing their unconditional love, the fuller the child's emotional reservoir. The biggest mistake is using eye contact to reprimand and punish a child.
Physical contact.
It is not at all necessary to kiss and hug, it is quite enough to pat him on the shoulder, take him by the hand, just touch him, stroke his head, ruffle his hair - all this reinforces the child’s emotional confidence and makes it possible to actually show your unconditional love for him. A child can remember for the rest of his life how his mother and father kissed him goodnight as a child, their lullabies, affectionate words, touches and other manifestations of sincere parental feelings. For boys, direct contact (kisses, hugs) is very important in the first years of life. And for girls at a critical age, when they most need the affection and attention of their parents - 11 - 12 years.
Close attention.
Parents are completely focused on their child (and on each one separately, if there are several of them). This is vital to the development of a child's self-esteem and influences the ability to treat and love others well. Without receiving close attention from his parents, the child becomes overly anxious; he feels that everything in the world is more important to his parents than he is, therefore he lags behind in emotional and mental development, has worse contacts with peers and is more withdrawn. Good parents differ from ordinary parents in that they find time to raise their children, including giving them close, concentrated attention that ensures the child’s emotional balance. Older children require more attention, but this pays off in a quieter adolescence.
Discipline.
Instilling discipline in a child should be understood as training the psyche of mind and character, so that he grows up as a constructively thinking and active member of society who knows how to control himself.
Tips for raising a child under three years old
No one can tell for a small family member what he feels for the first time in his life. The words are still not clear. There are a lot of emotions. Everything is new and unexplored for him. The age of a child from one to three years is the most significant. It is during this age period that the child understands the meaning of life. And he learns many necessary points, which later, in the process of development, will help him get to know the world of an adult better and settle in it without losing his ego. Parents must be involved in this process. And most importantly, do not miss this age of the child in the direction of proper upbringing. Explain and tell the baby everything he needs in a language of emotions and games that he understands. Give the right advice.
From the point of view of psychologists and educators with extensive experience, young mothers and fathers need to know several correct theses. How to properly organize the upbringing of a child aged one to three years.
A few little tricks for parents:
1. Try your best to avoid conflict situations with your child. You must learn to see your child as an equal person and give the child more freedom and rights to self-expression. Try to sometimes give in in difficult situations and be more flexible. As soon as the baby feels that he is being listened to and his opinion has weight, the crisis period will subside.
2. Everyone knows that children love to play various games, so it would be stupid not to take advantage of this. Playing a “game” with your child can achieve a lot. For example, you can tell your child that toothpaste is a brush with white paint that just needs to be used to paint the fence (teeth). Or a phrase like: “I made delicious jelly, but you can’t drink it” - works 100%.
3. Remember that small children love to be capricious, not only out of harm - this is also a kind of signal that the baby does not have enough attention. Perhaps the baby is protesting against something that is incomprehensible to him. And the best way out in this situation is to talk to the baby, try to find out the reason for this behavior, and not spank and scream, as this can separate the child from the parents, and the baby can harbor a grudge.
4. Do not yell at your child under any circumstances, and do not attach labels to him: “bully”, “stupid”, “indulgent”, “slob”! On a psychological level, these labels can be deposited in the child’s head, and his behavior will emulate your nickname. It’s better to express your dissatisfaction with his bad deed with the following phrases: “Last time you helped me clean the kitchen so much that this time I simply cannot do without you!” or “The teacher praised you so much last month that I don’t want to disappoint her!”
5. Try to maintain in your child such a quality as independence. You shouldn’t turn a child into a “mama’s boy” even at a young age; this can have a very serious impact on his adult life. Give your child a choice: “What will you wear tomorrow?”, “What will you eat for breakfast, egg or porridge?” Try to make sure that the child faces the consequences of his actions and choices in his life, and then he will learn to be responsible for his decisions and be independent, which is a very important quality in our world.
But still, do not forget that the main condition in raising a child is love!