Creating strong and joyful relationships is not an easy task. Only mature, formed people who are capable of taking responsibility can do this. And mama's boys do not fall into this category at all. They are stuck in childhood, although their age may exceed 35-40 years. What can we say then about very young husbands who are only in their thirties? If the husband is mama's boy, what to do then? The answer is to start behaving correctly. But this is just in words.

How to understand that your husband is a mama's boy

If a boy or young man decides to get married, he must develop a mature outlook on life. This does not mean that he is obliged to immediately turn from a cheerful hooligan into a diligent father of the family. No, he may well maintain a light and even cheeky demeanor. But a mature look means that the husband has already begun to take responsibility for his own decisions and adhere to his independent opinion. This is what mama's boys lack.

Before you do anything, you should make sure that your spouse is immature. You can call him a real mama’s boy if he has such “symptoms.”

1. The husband does not solve common family problems, but tries to shift them onto his wife and other relatives. For example, a banal situation - something broke household appliances. Instead of calling a technician or trying to fix the thing yourself, a mama's boy asks his wife to do it. Ultimately, he may forget about the problem altogether. Detachment from difficulties - characteristic feature immature individuals.
2. Complaints to parents, especially to mother. Of course, heart-to-heart conversations with mom or dad are very important. Parents give useful tips or at least just moral support. But “talking” and “complaining” are completely different things. If a husband comes to his parents to complain, especially about his wife, this is not a very good signal. Only mama's boys do this.
3. In family relationships, the husband constantly cites his mother as an example. Again, the mother’s authority has the right to remain unshakable. There is nothing wrong with the fact that for a husband his mother is the main and most valuable person. But a mature man differs from a mother’s boy in that she does not reproach his wife for any shortcomings and does not compare her with her mother, at least openly.

It's not a particularly pleasant portrait, is it? However, such features can be noticed in many modern men. Mama's boys, accustomed to being spoiled and not wanting to become adults, is one of the main social problems Now. What is the reason and what to do about it? By answering the first part of the question, we will receive tools for “re-educating” our spouse.

Why does a husband remain a mama's boy?

There are many reasons. The main ones are worth finding out in order to try to compensate for them. After all, if the husband is a mama’s boy, this is the only way to understand what to do. By eliminating the cause of personality immaturity, you can improve family life. It's worth trying. My husband remains a mama's boy for the following reasons.

1. From an early age he was brought up in conditions of excessive care. One of the most common cases is total attachment to the mother. IN preschool age the boy was constantly under the care of his caring mother. At school he was also protected from any shocks. As a teenager future spouse I’m used to devoting my mother to all my hobbies... In general, there has been no independence and an isolated personal life since childhood. A strong bond is formed that is incredibly difficult to break. Especially if parental family lives somewhere near you. We need to get rid of this connection. How will be discussed later.
2. There is not enough support and care. Various troubles between husband and wife are inevitable. Some men are used to allowing them within the family. Others seek outside help or drown their grief in alcohol. And, by the way, it’s good if the husband goes to his mother for support, and not to his mistress... In fact, support and understanding should come from the wife herself. Problems must be solved without involving parents in this if possible. It’s not for nothing that there is a saying “they don’t wash dirty linen in public.”
3. Disappointment in the wife (or in family life in general). A man may simply not be ready to take on the responsibilities associated with family life. For this reason, marrying spoiled boys who are used to getting everything easily is the worst mistake. Such a person, yearning for freedom and permissiveness, will very soon begin to find fault with everything. He will humiliate his wife and specifically use his mother as an example. For him, this is just a reason to quarrel and once again show how poor and unhappy he is.
4. Problems with self-esteem. Oddly enough, men love to gossip. To some extent, gossip for them is a way to raise their own self-esteem in their own eyes. The husband, coming to his mother and washing his wife’s bones, tries to prove to himself and his mother how important he is. He is “the best representative of his generation,” and he got a “so-so” wife. By complaining, by exaggerating a woman’s shortcomings, he begins to feel better.

These are not all the reasons why a husband can act like a mama's boy. But perhaps these are the situations that occur most often. So what to do? Now we can move on to answering this question. There are also many methods of “compensating” for such behavior.

What to do when your husband is a mama's boy

There is no one way to immediately make your husband an adult and mature, to wean him off complaining and crying. Therefore, you will literally have to use trial and error to select tools and methods of behavior that will help you cope with your mama’s boy. Next, recommended actions will be presented.

1. Find out the real reason for “childish” behavior

Correctly determining the motivation for your husband’s actions is already a big step. The reasons themselves were described above. It remains to find out which of them most encourages the husband to remain a mama's boy. We need to learn more about childhood - how the spouse grew up, whether he was surrounded by care. Inadequate self-esteem or spoiled behavior is very easy to figure out. And these unpleasant features, in principle, are visible even before marriage. Or maybe the husband lacks support and warmth? For example, his calm confidence and feigned indifference may turn out to be a mask.

2. Find the most acceptable option for communicating with your husband

You can often see advice like this: “communicate with your husband from the position of equals, do not give orders, but do not try to curry favor with him.” Of course, for theoretical psychology this is very smart advice. But in practice, it is the directive (commandatory) tone of communication that may be the most effective in communicating with mama’s boys. If the husband is accustomed to his mother solving all his problems for him since childhood, then it will be extremely difficult to come to an amicable agreement with him.

Returning to the example with the same broken household appliances. With a man who is pampered and always lives “under the hood”, only one way will work - literally order him to deal with the problem. Otherwise, he, again, will try to blame everything on the woman and get away.

And the opposite situation is a spouse with high self-esteem who does not want to recognize his wife as an equal. With him, ingratiation and currying favor work well. He needs to show that he is the best, that he is the only one, that no one else can cope with problems except him. These please the vanity, it increases the affection of the mother’s son’s husband for his wife. Great way strengthening relationships and gradually moving away from the parental family.

3. Maintain a good relationship with your spouse’s mom and dad

For a mama's boy, as we found out earlier, the authority of his parents is very high. And parents who don’t like their daughter-in-law can turn their dear son against her. So what will happen? Nothing good for sure...

There is no need to give reasons not to love yourself. If you are invited to visit, you should refuse only in the most extreme case - when you can’t go at all. It is necessary to communicate with your husband’s parents, especially your mother, as often as possible. This does not mean that you have to live with them as one family. Naturally, isolation and boundaries must remain. But congratulating you on the holiday, at least by phone, stopping by for a minute and presenting some kind of gift (purely for attention) is not only useful, but also necessary.

4. Don’t emphasize that you are better than your husband’s parents

Any open attacks against the parents of a mama's boy should be excluded. What you better than mom, it is necessary to prove not with words, but with deeds. If you stoop to insults (even if your parents deserve it), nothing good will come of it. Since the authority of mom and dad is higher for your spouse in any case, you will only fall in his eyes. The result is a deterioration in relations.

And, of course, you shouldn’t forget that sometimes you raise a mama’s boy yourself. When you leave your husband without the care he needs, when you don’t try to listen to his problems, you don’t appreciate his efforts and don’t respect his parents. When trying to understand what to do if your husband is a mama's boy, you will also have to take this into account.

A mama's boy can become a wonderful husband

Despite all their shortcomings, mama's boys have one positive trait - they know how to love a woman. Let it be theirs initially own mother. But, nevertheless, they know this feeling. At the right attitude this love can be directed towards yourself. And then the spouse will become more than just a mama’s boy. He will already be caring, loving and able to share his experiences. So, don’t despair too early and curse fate. Madame Georgette guarantees that everything will work out. You just need to be patient and move in the right direction.

Being the wife of a mama's boy is an unenviable fate. It’s good if a woman, even before the wedding, understood with whom she was connecting her life, and her choice was made consciously and out of love. But it often happens that the husband manifests himself in the role of a mama's boy under the influence of stressful situations - the birth of a child, a personal or professional crisis. And now, instead of a husband, you get another capricious child, and in addition - his mother (or her bright image). In the end family life turns into a never-ending competition that you will never win.

Unfortunately, this problem is familiar to too many women. And in today’s article I will tell you what to do if your husband is a mama’s boy.

Why doesn't a man grow up?

The formation of personality is influenced by two energies - maternal and paternal. Both of these energies are equally important. But for a number of historical reasons, fathers often do not take part in upbringing, or are even completely absent from the child’s life.

Approximately up to 7 years old the boy is very attached to his mother and is strongly influenced by it. But the older a boy gets, the more active masculine energy awakens in him - aggression, pressure, stubbornness, hot temper, which he still does not know how to handle carefully and for the good. In this matter best teacher maybe only an older man.

A wise man can teach a boy how to cope with his fears and be strong, how to stand up for himself, achieve goals, but not hurt loved ones. How to handle your aggression so as not to hurt. The man will show that there is no shame in experiencing weakness, fear and powerlessness if you know how to cope with it and move on. He will teach the boy to take responsibility, protect and protect loved ones.

If such a man is not around - it is difficult for a boy to break free from female influence, his “mother complex” can become insurmountable. And then the question of how to handle your masculine energy is unconsciously solved in one of two ways.

Active aggression

Such a man is irritated by everything emotional and sentimental; he tries to suppress all manifestations of feminine energy, intensively manifesting masculine energy: through pressure, submission and criticism. This is his way of resisting the all-consuming influence of his mother and maintaining a sense of his own integrity.

When a boy becomes a man, he retains his usual pattern of behavior. Only now he is fighting not with his mother, but with his wife. Such a man is physically unable to endure children's whims and manifestations of emotions - he does not know how to cope with them, so he harshly suppresses these manifestations. If you criticize this behavior, the husband does not listen, does not draw conclusions, but begins to criticize in response. When the situation gets out of his control, he loses control of himself: he screams, swears and demonstrates in every possible way who is in charge.

The truth is that behind a man's aggressiveness lies incredible vulnerability. A man is “destroyed” by the mere thought that there may be any doubts about his dominance and strength. Attack, submission and power become his defense - a way to preserve the integrity of the fragile inner “I”.

Passive aggression

The second way a man copes with his mother complex is through passive aggression. Everything looks good: your husband verbally supports you, is ready to help and take an active part in family matters. But when the time comes for real action, he ignores requests, merges, does not turn on, does not understand what you want from him and distances himself. He does not know or understand what is happening to the child because he spends too little time with him. He doesn’t know how to cope with children’s whims and emotions, so he simply distances himself and avoids responsibility. The same mechanism underlies addictions - psychological (from mom, for example), alcohol, gaming or drugs. All this is a way to suppress anger and distance yourself from the reality that causes it.

How does dependence on mother affect family life?

When a boy grows up and gets married, he hopes that everything will be different with his wife, not like with his mother. But in stressful situations he continues to fight feminine energy in the usual way. Our subconscious is designed this way: reactions are automatically issued when the body thinks that we are in danger. For a man who has not psychologically separated from his mother, doubt about his masculinity is already a reason for self-defense. Therefore, even the most innocent remark can be perceived as criticism, and now your husband criticizes in response (often completely inappropriately), and a moment later you find yourself in the midst of a scandal, and you don’t understand why it started again.

It is difficult for a mama's boy to realize himself in the role of a father. He doesn’t know what it’s like to care for, protect, love and protect his own children. He had no example of normal family relations, and only a wife can stimulate the development in her husband of a desire to be a different father for his children. But to do this, a woman must understand how her behavior affects her husband.

The influence of a woman on the masculinity of a mother's son

Your husband's behavior and reactions are certainly influenced by your habitual behavior pattern. After all, a family is a system in which each element influences the other. Therefore, if your behavior changes, then the man’s reaction to him becomes different. This means a more conscious participant family system can rebuild it simply by changing his role in it.

There are several models of female behavior that have an extremely destructive effect on relationships and activate the worst qualities in a man. I will list them.

Amazon. This is the embodiment of female independence. When a woman in a family feels injustice towards herself and her children, it deeply hurts her and gives rise to resentment. In order not to experience pain, she alienates herself and begins to rely only on herself, trying to get rid of any manifestations of her own dependence and vulnerability.
The Amazon does not negotiate and does not forgive, she simply distances herself, relying on her strength and independence. She may leave physically, cutting her husband out of her life forever, or she may remain married for years “for the sake of the children,” while remaining emotionally unavailable to her husband.

Witch. This is female rage, the image of a bitch who can allow herself to manifest anything negative emotions. This is a state of “carrying”, and until all the steam comes out, it is impossible to stop. The witch does not choose expressions, says what she thinks, and does what she wants. It's a hurricane the most powerful force, which must be survived if you have enough strength and experience.

Mommy. The negative shadow side, thanks to which a woman exercises authoritarian power over men. In this model there is no respect for the husband; he is perceived as immature, less than a man.
Mommy mentally castrates, devalues, finds fault with, “saves” her husband from his failure. A man cannot be close to such a woman - he either begins to resist or moves away. This is the most traumatic behavior model for men in relationships.

These patterns manifest themselves unconsciously and uncontrollably, but when a woman is influenced by them, she unwittingly undermines the fragile male ego. A man is forced to defend himself, and such a conflict destroys the intimacy between spouses. If a woman does not control the manifestation of these behavioral patterns, they will only aggravate the manifestations of her husband's alienation and irresponsibility.

How to increase the husband’s level of responsibility and involve him in parenting?

A woman can help a man become good husband and father, but exclusively from his own female role- when she does not play the role of mommy for her husband and does not force him to constantly defend himself. But if she is a wife - fragile, tender, conscious and wise, then she will have in her arsenal ways to awaken in her husband the desire to take responsibility.

To influence the development of male potential, you need to unite with your husband against the problem, and not fight the problem in the person of your husband. To be a good father means to accept the child’s emotionality, your powerlessness, your fear. Being a good husband means being responsible, making decisions, protecting, preserving and helping. A man can do this when there is someone nearby who respects him.

And here you need to give the man credit. This means treating him as if he already possesses the qualities you expect from him. This very perception, known respect and trust can move many people off the ground and make them want to justify this trust.

However, this may not be completely enough. What then? In this case, my system of awakening the paternal instinct and sharing responsibility with your husband, which I teach step by step in the course, will be useful to you.

This system consists of four stages.

Acceptance of husband. Acceptance is impossible without understanding, so work always starts with research. You study your husband's history - what kind of relationship his parents had, what his childhood was like. This way you will understand the motives of your spouse’s actions, his typical defense mechanisms, recognize his pain points and stop stepping on his “sore calluses”, provoking conflicts.

Self acceptance. It was no coincidence that you got into a relationship with such a husband, and if the reasons remain unexplored for you, it will be difficult for you to get out of the state of victim and resentment. You have to understand what attracted you to this man, what problems you psychologically need to solve. After all, when attracting this or that partner, we are looking for a person who will help us heal and become more harmonious. This is a chance and an impetus for development that should not be ignored. By developing yourself, you develop both your husband and your relationship.

Strengthen the bonds in your couple. There are very simple, but very effective ways to maintain an emotional connection in a couple so that your husband is always on your side, and you fight together against the problem, and not with each other. Thanks to these methods, you will make your husband want to help you and actively participate in solving family problems. During the course, you will see results within 2 weeks. Follow the link if you want quality results.

Daily work strategy. Train yourself to do something every day to improve mutual understanding in your couple. The art of small steps is that you learn how and what to say, how to react, how to behave. And after a while, the husband no longer disappoints, but offers help himself.

Of course, not everything always depends on the woman. But when at stake is the opportunity to make your child, yourself and the whole family happier, this motivates you to at least try. Either way, working on your relationship is a win-win investment. After all, you change yourself, which means you automatically influence the whole world that lives around you. Use the recommendations in this article to start making changes!

Do you think a mama's boy can change with the help and support of the woman he loves?

Question from Victoria:

Hello, Marina. Help with advice, please! Having been married for 10 years, it dawned on me that my husband is a typical “Mama’s boy.” In the past, I defended him, justified his attachment to his parents (this is sacred), but after reading mountains of literature, listening to a bunch of lectures and soberly delving into myself and my life, I came to this conclusion.
1) We live with his parents and he is happy (his parents adore him, but everything is always my fault) typical situation.
2) He doesn’t want to move out, and when I start the topic of moving, he feeds me “breakfasts” and promises, or a scandal just breaks out.
3) We work and can take care of ourselves and the children, but my husband is afraid to leave his parents without us and their grandchildren. He talks timidly to his parents, and when they say something bad about me or I complain that they are offending me, he remains silent or says that my parents are old and are making things up, etc.
4) My husband’s dad is just as timid, and my mom keeps everyone and everything under control and says that we won’t survive without her and we won’t get the children on their feet - I resist (I don’t swear, but quietly do it my way), but my husband thinks, what mom wants is best. She constantly gets involved in all our and other people’s affairs, talks everyone down and can openly humiliate (and does not think that this is bad); She simply hates the female gender. I understand that she is a deeply unhappy woman, obsessed with her son, who has no personal life, but I want freedom and love.
They say that you can see a mother’s boy as soon as you start communicating with him, and that’s true. Usually such men are attentive, kind, flexible, but they will never stand up for themselves and their family; this is the lot of the woman who is nearby - a mother or wife. When I was young, I thought that a husband should be so calm, but now I see that he is a weakling. It's a pity that I was so stupid before...
The question is: what should I do, or can nothing be changed?

In this article, I propose to consider the question of how you can behave with your husband, who is a mama’s boy, and whether it is possible to change something in your life and his.

Answer from Marina Danilova:

Mama's boy psychology

Victoria, the question is of course very interesting, but I think it’s unlikely that anything will change.

First, let's figure out where this type of man comes from.

Well, first of all, this is his family. Unconditional authority of mom and weak dad. Mom keeps everything in her hands and does not accept any resistance.

The child, in this situation the son, looks at this all his life. He considers this behavior normal. Dad is always weak, mom is strong. He hasn’t seen it any other way and doesn’t know it. This means that in his worldview this is a standard picture, and the only true one; his mother convinced him of this well.

IN adolescence a boy must find authority in a man in order to develop masculine qualities in himself, this is at best a father, but sometimes this is a sports coach (an older friend), who may have significant authority and who teaches him to behave like a man.

If this does not happen, then the boy basically does not know how to behave a real man and does not develop confidence and masculinity.

There is no such image in his life and worldview, and as a result he cannot become like that.

In later life, this man is under the supervision of his mother, and the mother of his mother’s son believes that she is the only one who can guide him on the right path, because the son himself is not able to. And because she deprived him of responsibility for his life, he really cannot be the one who builds his own life.

The depth of the problem is determined by the wisdom and intelligence of the mother. But from your description, I realized that this is not the case, which means there is a serious problem here.

Mama's boy, what should I do?

There are actually few options, but they exist.

1) Change your attitude towards this issue

Stop worrying about this and play your game in your own interests, not paying attention to his mother’s attacks. Don't try to destroy their picture of the world. Find some benefits for yourself in this.

2) Move away from parents

In this case, it will, of course, be easier for you, since you will intersect with this woman less often. But it is unlikely that in this case you will be able to overcome total control over your son. She will also be present a lot and often in your life. Phone, guests, turning him against you or anyone else. With any important decisions, he himself will run to her for advice.

3) Change husband

This option, of course, is one of those fabulous ones, but it does exist. Only with his strong desire to change and understanding of his problem will he be able to do this. But... of course, this must be done away from his mother, who will constantly return him to the right path. Such changes occur in 1% out of 100.

4) Leave your husband

This option is in case you cannot put up with the life that you have and are ready to take a radical step.

5) Change yourself

As they say, we attract those men who we need for development. Look at yourself, perhaps you behave the same way in some situations or like to control men. Look at your family. You may find many answers there. And when you solve all your internal problems, your husband will change or you will meet a worthy man.

And this is the most important option for changing your environment.

Start with yourself and observe in your surroundings how it goes inner work. Everything around us is our mirror.

Well, now the choice is yours. You decide for yourself what to do.

I hope I was able to answer your question.

If you still have questions, write them in the comments to this article, and we’ll figure it out together.

Dear readers, if you have your own opinion on this issue, write it in the comments.

You can also ask your question to the Help Desk here

Other answers to various questions You can read in the section

With love to you, Marina Danilova.

Valeria Protasova

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Your image of the ideal, yourself best man every woman develops in childhood. Growing up, one girl sees her future half as a macho man from the coast of Italy, another as a Russian hero, a third as a sensitive knight, etc. But everyone wants her man to be self-confident, courageous and strong. Read. Of course, when it suddenly turns out that your half is a mama's boy, there is little joy. How can you tell if a man is a mama's boy or just a caring son? And what if this is still the first option?

Who is a mama's boy?

How to determine whether a man is a mama's boy or just a good son

Unlike simply caring sons, mama's boys always put their mother on a "pedestal" idealizing her in every sense and maintaining complete dependence on her.

What to do if, by all indications, your man is a mama’s boy?

What to do if a man is a mama's boy?

• If you decide to connect your life with this person, be prepared for the fact that you must become the best replacement for the golden hands of his mother. Read also: .
• Tell him about the “three pillars” of your family happiness: that is, he must respect you, not put mother’s principles above your family, not interfere with her in your life.
• Explain your position in advance - what you need a real man, and not a muslin young lady.
• Try to solve all problems and issues in the family “without delay”- before he turns to his mother for help.
• Limit his communication with his mother as much as possible.. As far as possible. Not by requirement, but by circumstances. Go away and travel more often by unplugging mobile phones. Move to live “closer to the sea” because “the climate there is better, but your health is poor,” etc.
• If you have children - leave him alone with the children more often. Let him learn to look after them on his own.

If you cannot change the situation and are not able to come to terms with it, then there is no point in tormenting yourself and hoping that the man will grow up or the mother-in-law will leave you behind. Pack your things and leave. If you really occupy an important place in his life, then he will do everything to get you back and fix the situation .

Valeria Protasova

Psychologist with more than three years of practical experience in social psychology and pedagogy. Psychology is my life, my work, my hobby and way of life. I write what I know about. I believe that human relationships are important in all areas of our lives.