What to do if a girl falls in love with a girl. My daughter is lesbian
Help me please! 2 weeks ago, my daughter announced that a friend was coming to visit her from another city for a week. I reacted to this quite calmly. The girl arrived, the daughter took on the mission of showing this girl the sights of the city, at first everything seemed calm, but two days before this girl’s departure, my daughter seemed to be replaced, she stayed overnight with this girl (despite the fact that I was against it) , which of course pissed me off, there was a conflict, I forbade my child to accompany this girl to the airport, but she didn’t listen to me, waited until I left for work, went and saw this girl off, of course I was angry, I started calling my daughter on the phone , but she didn’t pick up the phone all day and evening, she just disappeared and that’s it... Then I remembered that I had the phone number of a friend, my daughter, in my address book, I called him and asked him to try dialing her number. He called and his daughter answered the phone. When he asked what happened and why she didn’t answer her mother’s calls, the answer was that she didn’t want to go home because she was afraid that I would scold her and show up at home in a couple of days, bye Mom can’t calm down (the above descriptions are completely uncharacteristic of her, yes, sometimes we quarrel, but in order to leave the house...). The time was already about 11 at night, her friend found out that she was walking along the avenue with her friends. We decided to drive along this avenue to find her and bring her back home, everything turned out that way, we returned home safely, talked, seemed to have discussed everything and measured it out. But something bothered me, this was clearly not typical behavior of my daughter, and something else, I just couldn’t understand what... Yesterday I began to disassemble my daughter’s backpack to wash it and came across a strange object, it was a leather dog leash and not quite, that is, not at all a healthy thought about BDSM flashed through... Later, my daughter came from a walk, I asked her a question: what is it and where is it from? The answer was as follows: they say the girlfriend, the one who came, forgot him. A minute later, my daughter received an SMS message, but I felt something was wrong, as if someone had pushed me and forced me to rip out hundreds of bodies. at my daughter’s, she attacked me in response, you should have seen that embittered look.... then she told me that she was in love with this girl, that they were having role-playing games with spanking, punishments and other perversions. My child had no previous sexual experience... I wrote an SMS message to this girl asking her to leave my daughter alone, but the answer was very impudent, saying don’t meddle in our personal life, and there was also a statement that this girl would take mine daughter to her place in another town. HELP, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVIOR IN THIS SITUATION, HOW TO GET MY DAUGHTER BACK, SHE’S LIKE A ZOMBIE!
Question:
My daughter is 25 years old, already an adult, she used to date young people, but for several years now she has been communicating mainly only with her friends, she did not intend to start a family in the near future, she generally has a negative attitude towards marriage, she said that she will give birth to a child at the age of 27.
In my opinion, I had my first sexual experience early, at the age of 15, then there were several more boys. Her character is quite complex; she parted with everyone very easily of her own free will.
Recently, we started chatting with girls on the Internet. And one fine day she told me that she was going to start a family with her girl, that she was completely disappointed in men and she did not need an ordinary family.
She even wants to have something like a wedding! I tried to talk to her, explain that physiologically she could not be a lesbian, that she decided this with her mind. Because during the period when sexual desire begins to form, she was only interested in boys and during that period she had no hesitations or doubts, and suddenly at the age of 25 something changed in her mind?
I don't know what to do or how to behave. I told her that I couldn’t support her in this, but, of course, I couldn’t interfere. Our relationship remained normal, we didn’t fight, but everyone remained to their own opinion.
I don’t know what to do now, how to behave? Pretending that everything remains the same? I was in shock, for several days it was as if I didn’t exist at all, now I’ve calmed down a little in the hope that this still cannot be her final choice and over time she will understand this and meet a worthy man.
Unfortunately, my family life didn’t work out very well for me, I separated from my daughter’s father when she was 8 years old (he drank himself to death), we lived alone for some time, and then I met a man with whom I decided to create new family. The daughter didn't mind. We lived with him for 10 years, recently he also started drinking and now we are on the verge of a breakup. I think my example family life also had a negative impact on my daughter.
Please help me with advice, what should I do now and how to behave and can my daughter really be a lesbian?
Answer: Hello. You have written so much about your experiences. They are, of course, important. But you never wrote any words or thoughts about whether your daughter is happy in her relationship with the girl or not. What is more important for you: “So that your daughter lives in peace with herself and enjoys life? Or that she conforms to the stereotypes of society?”
What is more important to you, your feelings, or the life and comfort of your child?
Your daughter loves a girl, values the relationship, wants to connect her life with her, and you are shocked that your daughter lives her own life and does not pretend to either you or anyone else. She is 25, she is an adult and she can choose who she lets into her world. When you say that you do not accept her choice, you are telling her that you do not accept her with her choice.
Again, your daughter is not sick, she is healthy and happy. She is loved and is able to make her own choices. What are you worried about?
Despite the fact that she had experience in relationships with men, this does not negate the possibility of being a lesbian.
Whether she is a lesbian or a heterosexual, she does not cease to be your child and love you. And you reject her based on her sexual preferences. This is an inhibitory psychological trauma for her.
Accept your child for who he is. It is not your property; everything that is inherent in it by nature must go through its own path of development and growth. Accept it, let it grow. You resist reality, you slow down its growth and change. You superimpose your experience of relationships with men onto your experiences. You begin to feel guilty for a bad (as it seems to you) example of a relationship between a man and a woman.
Yes, only experience cannot be good or bad. Experience is experience. Life is a journey in which you get to know yourself, others, the world and experience. Experience can bring different experiences. And there is no point in feeling guilty about your experience. Contact a psychologist to go through a program of self-acceptance, then you will learn to accept others and your daughter without judgment. Best regards, Evgenia.
Question from: Guest VK
Larisa Peresypkina, candidate of psychological sciences, psychologist of the highest category, answers:
Dear VK Guest, thank you for such a complex and important question. Indeed, the issue of same-sex love worries many parents, since everyone wants a happy future for their children. So that my daughter has a normal family, children and a husband. Therefore, we cannot accept and understand that our child loves a person of the same sex! This is unnatural for us, especially in our Russian mentality.
Let's look at the reasons for same-sex love in girls and what to do about it in the context of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.
A girl loves a girl
To begin with, it’s worth clarifying one thing important point. Same-sex relationships between women are of a completely different nature than among men. Same-sex relationships among women are based primarily on an emotional connection, namely, love without sexual overtones.
The article was written using materials from online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan
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