When a woman cheated. Female infidelity: causes and characteristic signs

While a lot has been written about male infidelity, female infidelity is associated with a certain secret and it is not particularly customary to talk about it...

The obsession of female infidelity

I considered myself a good wife. She took care of her husband as expected - breakfast, lunch for work, neatly packed in plastic container, in the evening dinner in the oven; always clean shirts and ironed trousers... Other men were not interested in me, even in my worst nightmare I could not imagine that someone else could interest me. I believed that betrayal occurs only when feelings go away and there is emptiness between people. My relationship with my husband was bright and complete. Me and him... we truly loved each other, and most importantly, we trusted each other very much. I never even thought that someone could be better than him.

But... one fine day a 40-45 year old man came to work with us. He just recently divorced his wife. He was very sweet and charming. We began to communicate, and imperceptibly our contacts grew into gatherings over a cup of coffee in a cafe. Everything that happened between us frightened me very much and at the same time attracted me. I understood that I shouldn’t communicate with him, that it would lead to something that I didn’t need. I felt terrible shame in front of my husband, and it seemed to me that he already suspected something. But I couldn’t stop and forbid myself from this relationship.

I was drawn to a new acquaintance. And one day, instead of the usual coffee, a glass appeared guilt…

...And I cheated on my husband. Ask why? I don't have an answer to this question. My husband loves me, we have very good relationship, and I'm not going to divorce him. But…

After the betrayal, my life turned into a nightmare. I can't look my husband in the eye. It seems to me that he feels everything. I became nervous and irritable. I have cut off contact with my new acquaintance, but I cannot erase from my memory that one and only meeting when I allowed another man to enter me.

I don’t know how I can continue to live with my husband - I feel like our relationship will never be the same as before. Something has gone irrevocably, and the most unbearable thing is to realize that it was with my own hands that I destroyed the atmosphere that we had in our family.

If a lot has been written about male infidelity, and we are all sort of accustomed to this fact, then female infidelity is associated with a certain secret and it is not particularly customary to talk about it. If a woman is faced with her husband’s betrayal, then, overcome by emotions, she tells everyone about it... Both her mother and her friend, complaining about what a bastard her husband turned out to be. To which the mother may say: “I’ve always told you about this...”

A man, having learned about a woman’s infidelity, as a rule, keeps everything to himself. Cheating on your wife is perceived in society as something shameful. And about your shame strong half humanity prefers to remain silent.

Reasons for female infidelity

Why does a woman cheat? This happens for various reasons.

In one case, the woman’s tender self is constantly in need of attention and love. And no husband can satisfy the feeling of constant emotional hunger of his wife. And so she looks for proof of her beauty and usefulness in other relationships. She needs this vitally. At the same time, some find excuses for themselves and the pangs of conscience are unknown to them. And someone cheats, feeling guilty, realizing that this is wrong, but cannot refuse the attention of other gentlemen. And it is not at all necessary that the husband is doing something wrong. A woman just wants a holiday and love, passions. And in family life this is not the case - this period has already passed, it is being replaced by other stages. And no less interesting.

Such betrayals occur due to the fact that in the family a woman’s feelings are protected, and in a quiet, monotonous environment they fall into “hibernation.” What causes a feeling of melancholy and boredom. Of course, this speaks of certain women’s fears of going into the depths of their experiences and relationships. True love begins when the stage of boredom and emptiness is overcome. And you have to go through it one day. You will not immediately find what you dreamed of, but by living this feeling of longing hidden in the depths over and over again, you will discover the ability to love in yourself. And then there will be no need for numerous affairs on the side.

Other women cheat out of suffering. Desperate to receive love and understanding from their husband, they commit adultery out of anger and hatred, or perhaps out of revenge. You can hurt your husband this way, but how will it help you? This “adventure” will not change either you or your life. And if you really want to find your happiness, then the pain that your husband causes you must be endured. Treason in this case is like a painkiller. It temporarily relieves pain, but does not eliminate the cause.

There is another category of women - these are ladies, like the one who wrote the letter. She loves her husband, and betrayal for her is like an obsession, an affair without continuation, but this act turns her world upside down and begins to undermine her from the inside, destroying relationships and former peace. Why does betrayal occur against the backdrop of a prosperous family life?

It's difficult to answer this question. We are all human, and, of course, temptations arise along the way for each of us, which can be difficult to refuse. That’s why it’s a temptation... But the most unpleasant thing is when conscience and guilt begin to torment you. There is a fear that your husband will find out everything and leave you. Many women cannot withstand such tension and tell their spouse about everything. But think for yourself, does he need such truth? What will he do with her? This truth can destroy relationships irrevocably.

It all depends on the situation. If you cheated, and your husband always behaved well with you, then think about whether this will be a blow for him?

Fragile male "I"

The male “I” is much more vulnerable than the female one. And a man experiences a woman’s breakup and betrayal more intensely. He is faced with a choice: leave you or forgive and continue to live with you? Will he be able to forget everything and forgive you? And will he still treat you?

Your husband is not a psychotherapist or a priest, I think there is no point in telling him the truth just to ease his soul. There are other “pillows” to whom you can tell about what happened.

And in order to forget everything and continue to live together, you must, of course, accept yourself and forgive. Don't judge yourself or judge yourself. As soon as your level of self-perception is lowered, your demands on people and expectations will also decrease.

It also happens that a man, having learned that his wife is cheating, reconsiders his behavior and begins to treat his wife differently. Or maybe he will leave without even trying to forgive. And someone, guessing about everything in their souls, behaves as before and does not say anything for fear of changing their life - let it be so, let it be betrayal, but it is comfortable, predictable. There are as many reactions as there are men.

The worst situation is when a woman cheats with her husband's friend. This is truly a low blow. Double betrayal.

If , and it doesn’t matter who cheated, a man or a woman, this event came into your life to awaken you from your spiritual sleep. So that you turn to your depth. Think about your relationship.

Before cheating on your husband, ask yourself: how will you feel later? Do you value relationships? Maybe it’s worth solving some difficult problem in the family, and not running away from it into the arms of another man?

It all depends on what you want in this life. Convenient marriage and love in fits and starts on the side? Or close, deep and trust relationships in the family?

With love,

Irina Gavrilova Dempsey

IN modern world Cheating is a common occurrence. Both male and female infidelity are quite common. It would seem, what pushes men and women to want to cheat on their other half?! After all, once upon a time these two halves were united by feelings and bonds, but, alas, a period came when one of them decided to take a step that could turn their whole lives upside down.

Female infidelity has a number of characteristic reasons. Statistics show that more than 30% of girls and women cheat on their boyfriends or husbands. Most often, infidelity in women occurs between the ages of 30 and 40. The main reasons are:

• revenge is one of the main reasons. The desire to take revenge on her husband for infidelity and indifference pushes the fair sex to cheat;
• dissatisfaction - in this case, both physically and spiritually;
• the eternal feminine principle takes its toll - to please the stronger sex, to evoke admiration among its representatives;
• disappointment with existing relationships, family structure, life in general;
• a thirst for new sensations, a desire to get rid of boredom and routine.

Female infidelity has other reasons that can push a representative of the fair sex to infidelity. In addition, it should be noted that not every girl or woman is capable of cheating. For many, this is a very serious step - and the reasons must be very, very compelling. Many female representatives “allow” to commit such an act in their thoughts much more often, which is also characteristic feature infidelity of women. Those who commit it in reality often repent and do not always repeat it.

And, nevertheless, female infidelity is a fact that is quite real and not uncommon, especially recently. And many male representatives rack their brains and question female fidelity. After all, by nature, all men are owners and they are not at all indifferent to whether there is cheating in the family. This ambiguity can torment them for a long time, pushing them to look for an answer to exciting question: - how to find out?! In this case, we can recommend paying attention to a number of characteristic signs that may suggest that betrayal in the family is a fait accompli:

• the telephone as a means of communication can be a clear clue. In this case, it would not hurt to pay attention to the following: the wife tries not to leave the phone in places where it could become accessible to others. Often tries to be alone when talking, especially if this has not happened before. An unpredictable reaction follows from the fact that the husband shows curiosity and a desire to find out who is calling his wife or writing messages.
• Internet resources, in particular e-mail - tip No. 2. Previously, the spouse who did not hide anything seeks privacy and does not allow prying eyes into her mailboxes; the effect of an unexpected appearance can take her by surprise and push her to try to hide and minimize the mail window.
• The image of the wife has recently changed radically. New hairstyle, makeup, new perfume, “passion” for updating the wardrobe, including periodically appearing erotic underwear, as well as an intensified desire to always keep oneself in shape and look great - all this may indicate that the wife has an object for which she is trying to look great.
• Frequent absences from home and delays at work, which can be explained simply: sitting with friends (previously it was not really noticed that the wife had many friends and common interests with them), rush jobs at work, parties with colleagues and the same friends and Ave.
• A clear reluctance to fulfill one’s “marital duties” sexually, and sometimes new, previously unusual, preferences of the spouse for affection and sexual relations in general.

These characteristic signs are a reason for a man to think and “keep his eyes open,” just as a reason to look at his family life and relationships from the outside, so as not to miss the chance to change and preserve his bonds and his soul mate.

One of the most difficult topics in the relationship between a man and a woman is betrayal, which was committed by a representative of the fair half of humanity. Because this is the most painful blow to a man’s pride and almost always the collapse of their relationship. Let's talk about female infidelity - its reasons, psychology, differences from male infidelity.

Men for the most part do not forgive infidelity; they cannot share a woman they consider theirs with someone else, either physically or emotionally. Therefore, female infidelity is sharply condemned by society, practically taboo. What motivates a woman, how does she “get to life like this” and is it possible to prevent her infidelity? We will figure it out in this article.

The difference between male and female infidelity

According to their psychological characteristics, a man can separate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy, and quite often this happens. A man, having sex with someone other than his beloved, can remain loyal only to her in his soul. It is difficult for women to understand this, which is why they bear it so hard. Precisely because they themselves are structured differently.

For a woman, sex with another man is always emotionally charged. It doesn’t matter if it’s a casual relationship, serious love, revenge or something else. She does not separate the body from the soul, and if physical intimacy occurs, it will in any case be a strong emotional experience for her.

In addition, if a woman feels that she “belongs” to a man, she simply cannot cheat, since these things are so connected within her. I want to immediately emphasize that exceptions are possible, but if we talk about the physiology and psychology of female infidelity, in women without psychological trauma and others individual characteristics this is how things are.

If a woman chooses a man and is in love with him, she does not cheat on him. If she cheated, then this is no longer the case. And in general, there is no point in trying to figure out who is to blame for this happening, because in most cases this is not a signal that something is wrong in the relationship (as in the case of male infidelity), but about the fact that there is no longer a relationship.

Men understand this well, which is why they are so sensitive to this issue. Because they know (although they refuse to admit) that in female infidelity there is always a share of their responsibility, and an equal share. Because if they themselves can cheat almost by accident, succumbing to a momentary impulse, a woman’s betrayal for her partner always means that he missed her.

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Reasons for female infidelity

Why does a woman decide to cheat, despite the fact that she knows that everyone will judge her, including herself? Sometimes to replace faded feelings in permanent relationship new love comes, because a holy place is never empty. And if a woman’s need for emotional intimacy is not satisfied, sooner or later this love will flare up.

But this is far from the only reason. The motive of revenge is no less popular. If a man periodically cheats on his beloved, and she cheats on him time after time, he should not create illusions - it is quite possible that sooner or later she will even the score. Even if he thinks that everything is fine, and she conveys this to him with all her appearance.

It's not so much revenge as it is balance. If a man brings her in and convinces her and himself that this is normal, the woman will subconsciously internalize this as the norm, or sooner or later she will consider it the norm for herself.

If we talk about the physiological reasons that usually justify male infidelity, then in the case of female infidelity they also work. If a man by nature strives to impregnate as many partners as possible, and this leads to polygamous behavior, then the female task in this sense is to find the best, strongest male for her protection and maintenance of offspring.

This reason is triggered when the relationship in which she is involved begins to collapse. And if initially her chosen one was the best for her - he loved, cared, and so on - and then relaxed and stopped thinking about how well he did all this, the woman instinctively experiences this as a signal that he ideal partner is no longer, therefore, you need to look for another.

Physical and spiritual female infidelity

In the case of female infidelity, dividing these concepts makes virtually no sense. If a woman in a relationship is emotionally attuned to another man, she is already cheating. Even if physical betrayal has not yet happened, this man supports her, consoles her, and occupies a significant place in her mental space.

If someone has taken on part of the functions of emotional support and protection of a woman, which were previously performed by her regular partner, sooner or later the other part of them will also leave him. Not to mention the fact that she could fall in love with that man at any moment, or has already fallen in love, she just doesn’t realize it.

Is it possible to prevent female infidelity?

Unlike male infidelity, preventing female infidelity is as easy as shelling pears. Again, I emphasize, if we are talking about a couple that was created on the basis of mutual emotional attachment, in which both the man and the woman were in love with each other, treated each other with respect, and intended to maintain and develop these mutual feelings.

It is the fact that this sad development of events could have been avoided without much difficulty that touches men to the core. A woman does not betray her man and is not carried away by someone else if in her relationship she receives as much warmth and love as she needs. If her emotional needs are satisfied.

If she feels loved and needed, she will move mountains and solve any problems that get in the way of her relationship, no matter what areas of life they concern. And in order for her to feel this way, you don’t need to throw the whole world at her feet.

You need to listen to her when she asks for it, feel sorry for her when she is upset, help when she needs it. Those little things that make everything come together. It’s a rare woman who goes to someone else’s bed for dizzying sexual sensations (although we shouldn’t forget about this need). Most often, she goes there for the simplest attention and warmth, which she has ceased to receive with her beloved and which she does not know how to get from him.

Unconscious reasons for female infidelity

There is no point in justifying betrayal, neither female nor. Again, if a woman no longer feels needed and loved, cheating is far from the only option. You can and should work on relationships, but if it seems that all means have been tried and nothing helps, they need to be ended. And then look for new ones.

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But life is much more complicated than reasoning about what is right and what is wrong. In most cases, when a woman cheats, she is also very offended by her beloved man, although she may not even realize it. After all, she knows that this will cause him severe psychological trauma if he finds out about it.

But he still changes. In a sense, female infidelity is always revenge. When she crosses this internal barrier, a woman feels entitled to do it, thinks that her man deserves it. He wants to deal a strong blow to his pride and does it.

In conclusion

The subject of this article was female infidelity - reasons, psychology, differences from male infidelity. It is important to consider that we were talking about relationships based on emotional attachment. This is far from the only type of relationship between a man and a woman, and in other types, female infidelity is a slightly different concept, is interpreted differently, occurs differently, and has other consequences. But this is a subject for a separate discussion.

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Oddly enough, female infidelity happens quite often. Of course, betrayal, be it male or female, is a marker of trouble in the family, but this trouble is not always associated, as many believe, with sexual dissatisfaction or incompatibility of characters.

Where do legs come from?

The most common reason for female infidelity is indifference in the family. It is so arranged by nature that men are less emotional than women. They are less likely to delve into themselves, cry less often, do not chat with friends about personal problems and, most importantly, are less likely to express their feelings in a way that would be enough for us women.

Remember the period of falling in love: it seems that you even guessed each other’s thoughts. It seemed to you that no one could understand you better than your loved one. Domestic psychologist V.A. Polikarpov notes that young people fall in love, as a rule, with one of the states of their beloved (oh) and extend this to the whole person. Therefore, after a certain period of time, when the pink fog of love dissipates, the ideal begins to surprise with its thorns.

A woman's disappointment in marriage can also be caused by a man's lack of expression of love and refusal to participate in household chores and raising children. Thus, a woman begins to perceive marriage as a series of responsibilities. And the lack of emotional intimacy with her husband forces a woman to look for it from another partner. Many women note that new relationships gave them the joy of communication.

Often, indifference in the family is caused by elementary laziness. Over time, spouses have fewer and fewer points of contact:

they sit back and perceive each other as before, or immediately after, the wedding, forgetting that people tend to change their beliefs, tastes, habits and needs. Spouses simply do not want (or forget?) to track these psychological changes in each other and lose what connected them, including intimately.

Thus, the most common reason for female infidelity is the lack of warmth and understanding in the family.

But in second place, or rather ONLY in second place, as the reasons for female infidelity, is sexual dissatisfaction. In this case, female infidelity is more of a “male” character: often men try to justify themselves by saying that “it was all just physiology, I don’t have any feelings for her...”. In this case, the same thing happens: a woman loves and respects her husband, she feels good with him, but he may be too conservative for her, or does not suit her anatomically and physiologically. Then she tries to complement the almost ideal picture of her life with someone from the outside. Although, in fairness, it is worth noting that very often you can establish a sexual relationship with a specific person if you thoroughly understand the peculiarities of the mistakes made or sexual scenarios. There is a well-known case when a woman who went on business trips “in the wilderness” cheated on her sensitive husband there with a “boorish, rude man.” This lasted until she accidentally saw the scene of her delicate and intelligent husband scolding a subordinate, especially without bothering to choose expressions. She saw in her husband that wild, barbaric strength and rudeness that she lacked in their intimate life. When they figured this out, the need for “business trips” disappeared.

Revenge, as a reason for female infidelity, was placed only in third place. Very often, a woman makes a decision spontaneously, under the influence of an acute feeling of resentment and out of a desire to repay her partner in the same coin. Having failed to establish family life after her husband’s betrayal, to accept and forgive him, she will look for a new life partner.

Another reason can be called the intrapersonal problems of a particular woman. There can be a great variety of these problems. For example, a person’s unpreparedness for serious relationship or lack of self-confidence. Very often, with the help of a large number of sexual relationships, a woman, although this method is more typical for men, increases her self-esteem, proves to herself and the whole world that she is a superwoman. It’s out of the ordinary to go to the mirror and make sure “that I’m still nothing” (or even “wow”).

There are also a whole bunch of reasons for female infidelity, “right to left”: the husband’s inability to have children, the partner’s constant jealousy, the husband’s addictions, lack of respect from the husband, domestic violence. However, as you know, often not only the finger presses on the trigger, but also the trigger on the finger.

In order not to push a woman into an adventure, after a fight they don’t wave their fists and it’s worth finding the positive in what happened. Moreover, there is a positive side to treason!

What does a woman gain?

Firstly, of course, there is simply an explosion of emotions: the level of adrenaline rises, the woman experiences stress, and one cannot do without “hormones of happiness” - endorphins. This has a beneficial effect on the overall well-being of a woman. “A love affair provides a woman with the pleasure and romance that has evaporated from marriage. She becomes prettier, her eyes begin to shine, which cannot be said about men who have mistresses... The woman is transformed, blossoms. Two-thirds of women consider their extramarital affairs to be very pleasant and romantic,” writes D. Brothers.

Secondly, a relationship with a stranger allows you to reconsider your relationship and life with your own person, who in most cases has become your own. Such “business trips” make it possible to understand what is missing in the seemingly happy life, what you want and it is possible to improve relationships.

Thirdly, cheating almost always stimulates a woman to keep herself in good shape - to look good, learn something new, and, what’s more, to lie masterfully. In short, we can talk about some kind of development. Moreover, thanks to a relationship with a new person, a woman sees herself through the prism of his worldview and can discover completely new facets and qualities in herself.

Fourthly, often the betrayal of one of the spouses allows... to save the family. For example, if the spouse is a lousy lover, or is not physiologically suitable for a particular woman.

And finally, female infidelity can make it clear to a woman that she has chosen the “wrong person”, she reconsiders her relationship and leaves.

Consequences

However, we should not forget about the sad consequences of female infidelity. Many men manage to improve their lives by cheating. They will cheat on their legal spouse, calm down, stabilize their neurosis, and sometimes even with great zeal will continue to take care of the family hearth. But for women, such tactics, as a rule, do not work. Or female infidelity becomes a lifestyle, which, however, pleases a woman’s pride rather than really pleases her. Or female infidelity turns out to be a reason for emotional distress, self-recrimination, melancholy and other psychological troubles.

Let's see how a woman who decides to cheat feels. As we have already found out, sexual relationships on the side produce an explosion of emotions, but emotions always act according to the law of the pendulum: if there was an upswing, a downturn will definitely occur. So it happens that after an emotional uplift, or euphoria, the mood of the woman who cheated is characterized by dysphoria - a low mood, which can be accompanied by such emotions as sadness, shame, guilt, self-disgust, and is also characterized by ease of aggression.

Sadness arises as a consequence of experiencing loss. In this case, the woman is worried that she has lost, as it were, a part of herself - something that “belonged” to her husband, even if he is hated at the moment. Actually, she loses the self that her husband saw, she loses her peace of mind, and often her family. When a woman cheats, she usually feels happy and irresistible. But after sexual intimacy with another man, she may feel disgusted with herself that she has “been defiled by a stranger.” Most often this happens to women who are accustomed to the patriarchal way of family life: “not a husband for a wife, but a wife for her husband.” She subconsciously views herself as her husband's property and views herself from her husband's point of view, so she rejects herself as a "damaged" object.

A woman feels inadequate, strives to be alone, or, on the contrary, tries to be “in sight” so as not to encounter temptation.

“I understand that all the blame lies with me, I’m very sorry that everything turned out this way, and I’m more worried about my husband’s psyche than about myself...” you can often hear this. A woman’s cross is not carrying a child for nine months and not giving birth in pain, but a woman’s punishment is caring. In women it is developed much better than in men; a woman strives to take care of everyone and considers herself guilty of causing pain to her loved ones. In our society, there is a moral and ethical standard that “cheating is not good,” so a woman who has cheated, no matter how she justifies her act, she repents and blames herself, she has a desire to correct the situation, but self-destruction often only strengthens the internal conflict.

The best way to defend is to attack. And the woman begins to bite and scratch, without even explaining the reason to her husband. And how can she explain it when it’s taboo, when the husband can’t know about it under any circumstances? This is even more annoying. Thus, the consequences of betrayal may result in even greater problems in the family. A woman wants to speak out, but she cannot tell this to the most important person.

What to do after a woman's infidelity?

Now let’s deal with the eternal question of what to do when everything has already happened?
Probably the most common question that torments people after a woman’s infidelity: should she or should she not tell her husband? To do this, you need to understand yourself and answer some questions:

· Why did what happened to me?
· Do I agree to pay such a price for the pleasure received?
· What did I miss in my family life?
· Will I be able to find an opportunity to get in family life what I lack in it and what I was trying to get with another man?
· What do I want from life in general and from family life in particular?

Next, it will be easier to decide whether it is worth discussing the current problem with your husband, if you do not forget that betrayal is a marker of some kind of trouble in the family, and in family problems there is always more than one person to blame.

If you do decide to tell, this should be done without shouting and accusations, using mainly I-technology: i.e. not “you don’t give me enough warmth and understanding,” but “I lack warmth and understanding.” However, you have a difficult mission to convey to your husband the idea that he is also involved in this action. And remember: what is more important now is “not who is to blame,” but “what to do next.”

As for future prospects, everything will be decided when you understand the motives of your own behavior, in your relationship with your husband, then you can decide whether to rebuild the relationship or the best way out is separation.

If you decide not to tell your husband everything, but to keep a “little secret” for yourself, you will have to make sure that the secret remains a secret and remember that the secret has the unpleasant feature of becoming obvious. But for yourself you can solve the problem of the formation of neurosis with catharsis, i.e. cleansing. Everyone chooses this for themselves personally - it can be confession in church, or cleansing themselves and their home according to the rules, it can be the ritual burning of everything that reminds of the “incident”. You can tell a friend you trust unconditionally, no matter what gender that friend is.

And modern technologies allow you to create an anonymous online diary and write everything there without concealment, and even discuss what happened with visitors. Remember that in such cases you risk getting a slow-growing “tumor”, which may make itself felt after some time.

And finally, information rather for men, in one of the Chinese provinces matriarchy and free marriages are still preserved. In this village, men consider themselves special if their wives have lovers: the wife turns out to be a desirable woman, but she chose him for the honorable role of her life partner.

For some this is unacceptable, but for others it is easy. Women who decide to cheat describe their feelings with words ranging from “enchanting” to “disgusting.” Cheating often provides an opportunity to understand the value of a marriage. It can be a cure for depression and even the beginning of a new life. Or it can destroy everything that has been built over the years...

16:27 23.01.2013

If society has long come to terms with male infidelity, it continues to condemn female infidelity. This is understandable: after all, most of us were raised in families with traditional foundations. And we in no way promote treason. But to say that this is not the case is to turn a blind eye to obvious facts. In big cities, the percentage of female infidelity is almost equal to that of men.

Psychologists assure that in extramarital affairs, ladies seek primarily emotional intimacy, support and warmth, and not new sexual experiences, like the stronger sex. If a man may not even remember the name of the girl with whom he “committed a sin,” then a woman, as a rule, decides to commit adultery only when she has feelings for her chosen one. This means that female infidelity or thoughts about it are evidence family crisis. “By entering into an extramarital affair, you essentially do not solve the problem in your relationship with your husband, but, on the contrary, complicate it even more,” insists psychologist Yanina Zelichenok, who has been working with women who find themselves “between two fires” for 10 years. - You create a convenient illusion for yourself that everything will be different in the new union. But this is not always the case. Close relationships require trust and frankness.

If you find yourself unable to do this in your own family, then it is not a fact that you will be able to create more open relationships on the side.” Cheating is not a sign of sexual unbridledness and lack of moral standards, but a sweet self-deception. This is a compromise with yourself: not to divorce your husband, not to ruin your old life, but also not to deny yourself the pleasure of being loved. This is an attempt to create a situation in which “both the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe.” But how long can a “triple” relationship last? “All my life,” one of our heroines is sure. “Until you are ripe for another union,” says the second. “Until you understand what is really valuable to you,” says the third. We do not take upon ourselves the responsibility to find out who is right and who is wrong. Let a psychologist comment on their stories. And you decide for yourself.

“Lovers don’t bother my family!”

It’s hard not to pay attention to this well-groomed young woman! Huge hazel eyes, light red curls, slim figure. Asya (she asked to change her name) is 27, family experience - 5 years. To the question “How do you feel about adultery?”, she just smiles mysteriously. And then the person he meets asks: “What do you understand by “adultery”?

This woman has everything: a wealthy husband, a big house. “My husband is twenty years older than me, he loves me very much. I also really... appreciate him and would never trade him even for handsome man, continues Asya. - For us, family is a serious long-term project. And lovers don’t interfere with my family union at all!”

Yes, a year after the wedding, Asya had another man. Her legal husband practically lived at work: he didn’t come before 10-11 pm, often traveled abroad, and was busy even on weekends. “My girlfriends were jealous of me. I could go to expensive beauty salons and boutiques without counting money. And I... envied them. They and their husbands went on picnics, went to movies and bars, and could lie in bed all day. And I fell asleep alone, and woke up alone too. I suffered from melancholy and loneliness. The moment came when I realized: either I’m divorcing my husband, or I’m going to find a lover.”

Asya chose the second one. Her boyfriend was her former classmate Kostya, the guy with whom she had an affair before marriage. They met several times a week in Kostya’s apartment, sometimes went out to cozy cafes, and even went to the sea for a couple of days. “And then something happened that I didn’t expect,” continues Asya. - Kostya fell in love with me and wanted to tell my husband about everything. I had to break up with him. I threatened that my husband, having learned about the betrayal, would not spare Kostya - he would ruin both his life and his career. I wasn’t exaggerating at all: my husband is an influential person.”

And the gray days dragged on again. But Asya already knew how to cheer herself up. “Now I have become smarter and more careful. I will never date a bachelor, lest he become jealous and begin to take revenge on me. Married men more reliable and do not require anything. I also reject gigolos - I cannot allow my lover to live at the expense of my husband. Although I rented an apartment to one of my boyfriends while his family lived in another city.”

Asya calls her lovers “younger husbands.” Maybe it would have been easier to get a divorce than to live with such a busy husband? However, the young woman had already considered this possibility. “I see my friends. One counts pennies and constantly quarrels with her husband over a hundred hryvnia. Another husband is an alcoholic. The third lives more or less normally, but her husband works two jobs to pay off the loan for an apartment. Tell me honestly: if you were me, would you get a divorce?”

Her husband really did a lot for her. Helped me get a higher education. Thanks to him, Asya saw the world, learned French and English languages. Among their acquaintances there are many famous people. “When I say that a family is a project, many people smile sarcastically. No need to be ironic! It was my husband who helped my brother get on his feet: now he has a small company. I can’t complain about him: not once in 5 years has he raised his voice at me, much less raised his hand. I really appreciate him."

Yes, he appreciates it. But he also deceives. Although Asya does not believe that she is doing anything illegal. “I don’t take care of my husband; perhaps he also has intimate relationships on the side. But he and I are husband and wife. And lovers are a way to unwind and not feel lonely. That’s why I change them, so as not to get attached and get used to it.”

This beautiful woman considers herself happy. It seems that she managed to derive the formula for her happiness. “There are no African passions in our marriage - everything is clear and logical. Yes, I have other men - so what? After all, a good leftist strengthens a marriage, remember? But I know that for sure!”

Now she is going to open her own business - a beauty salon. And in 3-5 years give birth to a child. “My husband really wants children. But he and I agreed that this would happen after my thirtieth birthday. I don’t know what will happen next, but now lovers for me are a way to brighten up everyday life and have fun.”

Commentary by psychologist Yanina Zelichenok

She doesn't know how to love

Asya has atrophied such concepts as decency, honesty, morality, ethics, she has no family values. She doesn’t know how to build relationships with men, how to love - she “has” them. The roots of this perception are in childhood. Most likely, Asya was not loved, and therefore she herself did not learn to love. What is there to love: after all, she does not respect her men - neither the feelings of her husband, nor the feelings of her lovers. At the same time, she herself does not feel any discomfort: there is no point in giving her any advice, the situation suits her if she is truly honest. Everyone has the right to live the way they want. If the demonstration of satisfaction is a mask, and in fact Asya is unhappy and wants changes, she and her husband need to contact an experienced consultant in the field of family psychotherapy. Perhaps they can achieve harmony. And if not, she should get a divorce and look for a new husband, while reading books on family psychology and interpersonal relationships and attending relevant seminars.

“We will be together. Not now"

Dima was not Ira’s first man. But it was he - economical, calm, reasonable - who seemed to her a worthy candidate for a husband. “I can’t say that I somehow fell madly in love with him,” admits this short, pretty brunette of 30 years old. - I saw that we are different, often looking at the same things from opposite sides. But then I thought it was good for marriage. Moreover, his practicality was captivating: Dima always knew how to earn money, he already had an apartment bought on credit, and his own car. And... he loved me very much. He was ready to do anything for me. Yes, he never wrote poetry to me, but he could give half his salary for a trinket that I liked, or with a temperature of 38 go to meet me on the other side of the city... No man treated me the way he did.”

They became a good couple. The loan was gradually paid off and a son was born. But... for some reason Ira didn’t feel truly happy.

“I was always missing something. It would seem loving husband, the house is a full cup, what more do you need? The problem, probably, was that with Dima I felt comfortable, safe, but... bored. He did not share my interests - he did not read the books that I delighted in, did not watch the films that I liked, did not understand my musical preferences. I dreamed of traveling, and Dima dreamed of his own summer cottage. We got along great in everyday life, but... we had nothing to talk about except about our son’s health and upcoming purchases! The saddest thing is that, as it turns out, many couples live this way. My girlfriends were saying the same thing! There are small family joys. But at the same time you are alone.”

It was her friend who told her about her way of dealing with family melancholy. “You go into the chat,” the lively Lena taught, “you hide behind some romantic nickname like Wanderer in the Night and communicate with men for your own pleasure. Maybe you want to meet someone - well, great, you can have dinner for free. As a rule, the relationship does not go further than this. You look at them all and you begin to appreciate yours. Take a risk!

Ira took a risk. I talked to one and another, nothing interesting. And then he came into her window. And from the first words it became clear that this was exactly what she had been waiting for all this time. “It's hard to explain. I've never experienced anything like this. It's like he's my reflection. His thoughts are my thoughts. He begins the phrase - I finish... We corresponded for a month. And we immediately agreed on everything: he has a family, I have a family. We won't have anything serious - just communication. Why! I called him first. I wanted to hear his voice. But I didn’t dare open the photo for a long time. And when I looked, I was rather surprised - it had nothing in common with the man of my dreams. And when I went to the meeting, honestly, I was sure that I would be disappointed. I was even happy about it: as they say, out of harm’s way. But... He took my hand, looked into my eyes... It’s energy beyond words. And, as the song says, one short meeting lasted for several years.”

Ira talks very openly about this relationship. How I slept with Igor for the first time - and cried with happiness, because I didn’t know before that a woman could experience THIS. How she later went to bed with her husband and despised herself, calling herself in the very last words: “It would be better if he beat me or offended me - at least then I wouldn’t feel so guilty.” How I cried at night for love for Igor, unable to stifle this desire, this passion. More than once I tried to tell Dima everything and put an end to this “vile story,” but at the last moment I remembered: I remembered that Igor also has a wife and daughter. How the two of them took time off from work and had a stunning time in rented apartments. “One hour with him is worth more than a month without him. It has everything I need. He's tailor-made for me. Created for me. It's a mistake of fate that we didn't meet before. And now everything is so complicated...”

One day they went to Odessa together under the pretext of a business trip. For the first time, we walked around hugging each other, without fear of meeting someone, and openly kissed on the embankment. Freedom, romance, happiness! And when they returned home, such melancholy covered both of them, such depression began that it became clear: this could not continue. And then they decided to leave.

“I spent a month without him. I don’t know how I lived through this time. And then I wrote him a letter, I couldn’t stand it. And, believe me, when I pressed the “send” button, I received his letter - with the same text. In general, everything went anew. Meetings, partings, tears”...

Over the course of three years, there were fewer tears. They accepted the rules of the game. Ira finally let go of the feeling of guilt - she allowed herself to be happy. And I was surprised when I realized that they began to treat Dima warmer. “Gradually we got used to such love,” she says with a bitter smile. “His wife became almost a relative to me. We support each other during family troubles and problems. When my son is sick, Igor’s dad, a pediatrician, consults us. I always give his daughter gifts for the holidays. We are very respectful of each other's families. Do you think we don't understand that this is not normal? We've thought a thousand times about what's next.

Both seem ready for divorce. But every time something doesn’t work out: when one matures, the other stops. And the children are small. Dimka adores his son. It’s scary to imagine what a blow the thought of divorce will be for him. How will a little girl grow up without a dad? And I understand Igor: leaving his wife with a six-year-old daughter, who is also very sick, just for the sake of his “I”? No, he will never do that. And we can’t live without each other either. It doesn't work, we tried. Life loses taste and meaning. Once upon a time alone smart person He told me: you can’t kill love. I know for sure that Igor and I will be together. Just not now - we have to wait a little. Let the children grow up at least a little."

Irina's phone rings off the hook. “Yes, Dim, I’m on my way, I’ll be there for dinner.” And half a minute later - a new call. “It’s okay, don’t worry, I kiss you.” Pause. Smile. “I love you too”...

Psychologist's comment

Complete self-deception

Ira shouldn't deceive herself. Differences in interests, tastes, lifestyle, passions cannot be unimportant! After all, for partners to have a close life, love alone is not enough - psychological compatibility is also necessary. A serious problem has arisen in the relationship between Ira and her husband, which she ignores. The self-deception doesn't end there. Ira believes that her affair with Igor is true love which has a future. But this is an illusion: like most family men, Igor, having an excellent mistress, is not going to divorce his wife.

It’s convenient for him to live like this: twice as much affection, twice as much sex. And Ira shouldn’t hope that when her daughter grows up, he will go to her. There are many other excuses: your daughter needs to do something, she doesn’t find language with her boyfriend and leaving her now is the height of selfishness, etc. In fact, this is how Igor covers up his dishonesty. Just like Ira, actually. She came up with a sad fairy tale about great love and difficult circumstances - and with it she justifies her fear of obligations and responsibility. This situation can last for years. It seems convenient: a husband for stability, a lover for the soul. But is she happy in it? Apparently not, because the lover will always put his wife’s feelings above the Irins.

How to unravel this tangle? I would recommend the method of the American psychotherapist Barbara de Angelis. Tough, but effective. Ira needs to immediately break off her relationship with Igor and turn her attention to her marriage, which is going through a deep crisis. Let him try to do everything to save him: after all, if she and her husband have not divorced yet, it means there is something that unites them! If nothing works out, then Ira should break up with her husband, understanding at the same time that she is not leaving for Igor, but ending an unfulfilled relationship. And then everything is possible: Igor will still leave his family, and he and Ira will be together. Or she will meet a new love.

“A random affair almost ruined my life!”

Olya got married early - at the age of 18 and, of course, out of great love. And if they had told her then that she would cheat on her precious Volodya, she would never have believed it! “For some reason, everyone here thinks that a woman finds a lover only as a last resort - when life with her husband is unbearable,” says this plump 36-year-old blonde and looks at the floor. - But this is not always the case. Sometimes cheating is accidental. We lived a normal life: we raised Marinka, furnished our home, and sometimes quarreled. But after a few years of marriage, the relationship became routine. I was missing tender words, madness, romance. My Volodya either disappeared in the garage, or went fishing, or spent the whole evening watching TV with a newspaper. I stopped feeling like an attractive woman, although I knew that men liked me. But believe me, the thought of a lover never occurred to me.”

Now Olya calls that story “an obsession.” She went on vacation to Crimea with her sister and daughter: her husband was unable to take a vacation on time. We rented 2 rooms in a house by the sea. We lived with the owner and her adult son. “As soon as I saw him, I realized that I couldn’t live,” says Olga. - Tall, slender, tanned, blue eyes, white sideways bangs and a facial expression - you know, a slightly contemptuous grin. He immediately looked at me like that - they say, is it weak? And a hot wave ran through my body. He had just turned 26. I was 32. But I didn’t care about everything - that I was older, that I had a child, that my husband was at home. And he understood it immediately. I realized that all he had to do was want...”

That evening Sashka went for a walk somewhere. He was not there the next day either. Olya was shaking. She wanted to see him at all costs! And I was embarrassed to ask the hostess where her son was. I put my sister and daughter to bed and sat in the kitchen, waiting, pretending to be watching an old TV. The gate creaked. Olya imagined him entering the yard. She closed her eyes. And she opened at the touch of his hand on her cheek. He looked at her, smiled and stroked her - on her cheek, on her lips, on her hair... “He seemed like an angel to me. When I touched it, I felt dizzy. I was choking with happiness. That vacation flew by in a blur. And when I returned home, I realized: without Sashka I would suffocate.”

“You’re a fool! - Olya’s sister shouted. - He's a simple electrician! And you teach at a university! He can't put two words together! What are you going to do with it? Come to your senses!” But Olya didn’t hear: “It was breaking me. I needed his eyes, his hands, his body. It seemed to me that he was a god from some unknown country. In reality, of course, I saw that Sashka was an ordinary provincial guy, and, my sister was right, I had nothing to talk about with him. What is it... He had never seen the metro, he used cases incorrectly. But I was unable to resist this passion, it was as if my mind was clouded.” Olya came up with some kind of business trip - and again went to Alupka for a few days... And when she returned, one “small” trouble occurred: a delay in her period. Olya bought a test, but - strangely - it didn’t show anything! She couldn't find a place for herself. Suddenly it became really scary: what if she got pregnant? What kind of father will Sashka be? What to do next? Is she really ready to leave her husband to live with this guy who is essentially a stranger?..

“I plucked up courage and called Sashka.

I just wanted to say that this is the situation, to hear some words of support. And instead of a greeting from the mobile phone, it sounded: “Well, why are you calling?” Music and girlish laughter came from the receiver. I imagined this picture so vividly: he was standing in an embrace with some young girl, and here I was with my problems. But I still squeezed out: “Sasha, I think I’m pregnant.” And do you know what I heard in response? “Are you sure it’s from me? You never know who else you were with...” This brought me back to reality. It was as if a tub of cold water had been poured on my head. I have never felt so humiliated before... I hung up.”

After this “conversation” with Olga, hysterics began. When her husband returned from work, she sobbed and asked him for forgiveness. “What’s wrong with you?” - Volodya didn’t understand. “I’m a bad wife,” Olya cried. “You are a good, good wife,” he reassured, and he himself thought that PMS had never manifested itself so clearly in his beloved.

Thank God, the worries about an unplanned pregnancy turned out to be false. “Words cannot express how relieved I was when my period finally started. And for how long I blamed myself for what happened. Yes, I got a thrill, but in addition - lies, guilt and humiliation. Who was I to my lover? A random partner, someone else's cheating wife. He didn’t have any feelings for me, I didn’t mean anything to him... Now I think with horror that I could have lost my Volodya forever - kind, devoted and loving. For what? A short and dubious pleasure! Before you start a relationship on the side, think about the fact that you can ruin both your life and the lives of your loved ones.”